Love is Evil, Spell is Backwards,I'll show ya ... EVOL

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship lately. Both the one I'm currently in, and what's gone wrong with the previous ones. Obviously I can't speak for anyone other than myself, so let me do that ...

Not to make excuses ... but I have had a lot of bad experiences in my life. Nothing detrimental, of course. I've never been REALLY abused, I wasn't adopted, etc. Sure ... I've been verbally abused, cheated on, left by boyfriends, and things of that nature.

But here's where I start analyzing ... I think I nit pick. I KNOW I do. Entirely too much. I think it comes from my perfectionistic nature. And the more I love someone, and the more I want the relationship to work, the more I nit pick. I think I nit pick because I'm happy and when I'm happy, I think that "This can't really be true. There has to be something wrong" is what I'm thinking.

My flaws and imperfections seem to be putting a tremendous strain on my current relationship. Out of every relationship I've had with anyone, I want this one to work more than anyone. Its a hard thing to explain when you have such strong feelings about someone, but Im sure somebody out there understands what I mean.

I have trouble trying to say things to him. For example, I have issues with HOW I say things. Sometimes, the tone of my voice and the WAY in which I present certain things can be taken as being condescending. I dont mean it (obviously), it just kind of comes out that way. But there's no excuse for it, and we are both tired of me saying sorry. Or worse ... NOT say it, because I don't even realize that that's how it comes out.


Im think too much sometimes and dont think enough other times. For example, I tend to dwell on mistakes Ive made, and my past, rather than look to the future. Because I've been cheated on so much, and I've been left more than once, I tend to view certain situations in the most negative way possible. In that sense, I tend to be overly pessimistic and paranoid. It's not necessarily that I don't trust him, or that I consciously think he would cheat on me, my mind just automatically goes into the thought process of ... "That doesn't seem right ..." Like when a text goes unanswered, or he stays at work long after he should have gotten off, or if I haven't seen him in days, or something of that nature. I realize that these aren't normal thought patterns, but I can't seem to control these negative/obsessive thoughts. Other times I simply DON'T think, and things just seem to pop out of my mouth at random. Its driving me mad that no matter how much I try, I continue to question the possiblities of what's going on, and what he wants, when he's contintually telling me all he wants is me.

My constant battle of INdependence vs DEpendence. I am a VERY independent person ... MOST of the time. I want to do my own thing, and do things my way, and be in control. MOST of the time. But at the SAME time, I am just as DEpendent on my mate. I CRAVE attention, love, and companionship. I need to know I'm loved, and that you need me, and want me, and appreciate me. I don't want to walk through this battle of life without you by my side. There's so many battles that we face alone already, with work, and everything else, that I need to know that my lifeline is there. That I can text you when I'm having a bad day. That when I'm freaking out, you will know how to calm me down. That when the day is over, you will WANT to be there by my side, to talk about the day, and do ... naughty things :) I don't want to go to bed alone. I want you to be there. By my side. Call it selfish. Maybe it is. But I like waking up next to you. Even if it DOES take me hitting the snooze button for 45 minutes to finally get you to wake up.

I just want the relationship we used to have. The one we say we want together. The little white house, the picket fence, and the family. I want us to trust each other. I'm so attracted to him for all the qualities I saw in you before we were even together. For your self-assuredness, and all the love he showed me before I began to drive him insane. I want Bora-Bora back. Before we drove wach other crazy. When we did our own things, and still wanted to come together at the end of the day, because we love each other so much that we need to complete the day with one another.

I want YOU.

for those of you with nothing better to do ...

than talk about me, and dissect every aspect of my life, and every relationship i've ever had ... i'm sure you're rather entertained by all that there's been. but let's get a few things straight. yes. i've been through a lot. yes. there's been a lot of ups and a lot of downs. yes. i've made some poor decisions. i've picked some less than stellar mates. yes. i've had my heart broken. but do you all REALLY have nothing better to do than sit around and talk about me and my love life? do you REALLY have nothing better to do than critic every aspect of my life, and judge that which you *think* were the downfalls of each relationship? well ... let's consider the factors that you DON'T know.

hmmm ... yes. i used to be engaged. to a man i thought i was madly in love with. we were both young, and liked to party. i mistook his love for partying for his alcoholism. i grew out of partying. his alcoholism turned into more hardcore things, like abusing drugs. once those things took over every aspect of his life, the substances took control of HIM. he started stealing (from me). lying when he got caught. it all cycled out of control. i thought our love could fix it. i kicked him out of the house. we tried to make it work without living together. it wasn't fixable. he still lied, stole, and probably cheated. we were broken. and couldn't be put back together. and for someone to even pose that he "realized that he made the right decision to get away from me" is simply preposterous. since the day i told him i never wanted to talk to him again, he has done nothing but realize that i was the best thing that ever happened to him. and i never want to speak to him again.

and then there's the next love of my life - the man that couldn't live without his children. the two children he made with a woman that he was with for nine years, but would never marry. and in the year that we were together, we had already moved in together, and were talking about marriage - something he had never considered with the mother of his two children. yes. he left me out of nowhere to move to another state, to go back to her (where she had picked up and moved away with the children), so that he could finally be with his kids again, and see them everyday, and try to make it work with her. and i will never fault him for trying to be the best father that he can be. but for people that call themselves BOTH of our friends, to tell him that he's finally back with his "family" and "back where he belongs," and for others to say that I was only with him because he was a manager for the company I worked for (hey ... reality check ... SO WAS I!), or that I got a big head because i was dating him, etc, etc, etc ... is absurd.

And now ... these same people want to start telling my current boyfriend about how I'm such a slut because i've dated these people (apparently being engaged to a person that youve been with almost 3 years, and dating someone else for a year means you get around ...???) ... and that everyone was so right to have left me and moved on. ok ... first of all, not that i have to defend myself in the LEAST ... but for one, i left my fiance, and for COMPLETELY justifiable reasons. And yes, my most recent ex left me. could it be for the kids? maybe. for her? who knows. but regardlgess ... my point in all of this is ... why is it that people have NOTHING better to do than sit around and discuss someone else's relationships/life? have you REALLY got nothing better to do than try to ruin someone else's happiness? i mean ... damn ... i'm sorry your life sucks ... but mine doesn't. in fact ... im QUITE happy with my life, AND my boyfriend :)

build a bridge, and get the hell over your jealousy and miserable life. because i'm not the source of your misery.