emotional mumbo jumbo ...

there's different types of emotional pain, that i feel that everyone can identify with ...

there's the kind where, you feel like you've done absolutely nothing wrong, and you just feel sorry for yourself and blame everything on everyone else.

there's the kind where you let the emotional scars of your past, affect your future, because you can never seem to let the wounds fully heal.

and then there's the kind where, you accept the blame for the actions that you've taken, and realize that you have brought some of the repercussions upon yourself. this kind is the hardest to achieve, and we can never get there all the time. yet it seems to be the epitome of emotional growth. if we can achieve this level of understanding and acceptance only a fractional amount, then we are better off for it. better off ourselves, for we have reached a level of peace, acceptance, and understanding, and better off with the world, for we are no longer placing blame on one another - be it for the past, or the present.

i also believe there's different types of doubt, that everyone can identify with.

there's doubt of ourselves. when we don't believe we can do anything right. we have no faith in ourselves, in our abilities, our capabilities, or in what we deserve. we have no value of self-worth, because we feel as though we are less than first-rate. i don't want me, so why would anyone else?

there's doubt in one another. we don't trust anyone - what they say, what they do, what they look like, what their intentions are, etc. everyone is always "up to something." there is no such thing as an "honest person." no such thing as "good intentions."

i believe that there's different types of people.

there's the optimist. this is the person that is always overly enthusiastic about everything. the "glass is half-full" person. the overly energetic, happy-go-lucky, positive outlook on life, type of person. this person has a tendency to take a favorable or hopeful view of the future.

there's the pessimist. this is the person who is always cynical about everything. the "glass is half-empty" person. the overly gloomy, negative outlook on life, type of person. this person has a tendency hold a state of mind in which one perceives life negatively.

there's the realist. this is the person who has the systematic tendency to predict the most likely outcomes, be it positive OR negative. it's also the excuse that a lot of pessimists use when they don't want to admit that they're pessimists. "I'm not a pessimist, I'm a REALIST!"

but let's take it one step further - the uber-pessimist. this is the person that, rather than seeing the glass half-empty, says that they never even had a glass at all. "Glass? What glass?" this person ... no matter what you do or say ... everything is wrong. don't try to rectify the situation, because it won't matter. it's still wrong.

the main personality types ... and then some ...

Type A - twould be me ... DUH! there's usually very independent, direct, and to the point. they're focused on what they're doing, and almost always relatively insensitive to others that might be around them. they are very decisive and persistent in getting what they want and need.

Type B - the socializer. loves to be the center of attention. they love excitement and are often impatient and demanding as a result of being a "high-energy" type.

and then there are the lesser-known ... types C&D.

Type C - this person thrives on details and accuracy. they want facts - information from which they can verify the details and make a decision. they are consistent in everything they do, because everything has an order or procedure. they are deep, thoughtful, and usually very sensitive.

Type D - this type doesn't like change. they are very supportive of others and are often the type that others turn to when they have a problem.

there's a lot of different types of people in this world. and we all need to learn to love and appreciate all of the differences amongst ourselves. no one is the same. nor should we expect them to be. if we were all cookie-cutter with one another, this world would be an awfully boring place. so once we learn to realize these things ... and move on ... and accept things for that which they are ... and the blame for our own actions ... and fault for our own wrongs ... and appreciate one another for who we are ... things will start to be a lot more ... favorable.

life is a little weird ...

I can hardly remember, the days when I felt free
Never searching, cause it all made sense to me
I will always remember, that point when I found out
All my own plans may never come around
Still we go on, never asking why

I can feel this strange life, leading to a great life
Where everything begins, where everything makes sense
Somebody take this fake life, save me from this plain life
So everything begins, so everything makes sense
And nothing ever ends

life's weird. all of it. you never know what's coming. things are great, and then out of nowhere, this bomb hits you, and you think you'll never come out of it alive. and then ... everything's great again. out of nowhere. and it's scary. because you don't know what to do with it all. it makes you question everything. and wonder why things are great. and where all the good came from. and what to do with it all. especially when you're still kind of broken. you're just apprehensive. about everything. you dont know what to do, or what to say. who to trust. you dont ... really ... know anything. all you know is youre happy again. and you like it. and you dont want it to go away.

isn't it ironic ...?

as so many thoughts are incessantly running through my head ... it's like an ever-constant record, being consistently edited ... always overlaying new sounds, adding new tracks ... overdubbing new musical instruments and tones. it's an on-going project. one that will never end. one that always draws your attention elsewhere. one that will never allow me to stop thinking. never allow me to focus on one thing. and then when i get to the last song ... it starts over. goes back to the beginning. never letting me forget the first track.

It's like Alanis said ...

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

It's a traffic jam when you're already late
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...

It's like ... when someone introduces you to your favorite band. And you start listening to their cd. Over, and over, and over again. Because it's your new favorite. And then ... out of nowhere ... it starts skipping. Because you've listened to it so much. But you don't care, because you still love it. You start skipping over that song, to the next one, so you can keep listening. But then, behind you, your friend starts playing a different cd. Another one, that you start to love too. And now you have another favorite. But instead of having two separate favorite cd's, it's like one big conglomerate ... and you can't separate the two. And most of the time you're focused on one, but other times, your focus drifts. You can't help it, because there's still two tracks being played.

Maybe it just takes time. Maybe the other track will always keep playing. I don't know. How do you ever know?

it's the truth ...

things people say, but we never really listen to ...
but maybe we should, because honestly ... it's the truth ..

1) "Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flickered somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is ... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with." ~ Gillian Anderson

2) "Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves." ~ Henri Frederic Amiel

3) "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one, which has been opened for us." ~ Helen Keller

4) "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is ore important than fear." ~Ambrose Redmoon


Therefore ... what does all of this mean? move on from the past. don't look back. don't be afraid. take it one day at a time. as it comes. embrace life. appreciate the good things.

why should i ...

put my life on pause for you?
question what it is im doing, and where im going?
deprive myself from having fun, or having someone be there for me?
... especially when you already have that for yourself.
constantly be in a state of doubt about everything?
i dont actually doubt anything.
i shouldnt doubt my thoughts, my actions, or my intentions ...
i should move on. and have fun. so i will.


and i wont question anything. not anymore.
i will move on with my life.
and see where it takes me.

like they say ...
never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

no matter how you feel about them. <-- that's my own personal addendum.
because ... quite frankly ... we deserve better than that. at least ... i do.