Standing Up

We all know all of the typical quotes. Or quotations, if you really and truly want me to be grammatically correct.

"Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody is going to know whether you did it or not."

-Oprah Winfrey

"Nothing is at last sacred but the inegrity of your own mind."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul and a trait of a true coward. There is nothing intelligent about not standing up for yourself. You may not win every battle. However - everyone will at least know what you stood for - YOU!"

-Shannon L. Adler

"If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything."

Gordan A. Eadie

"Stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone."

Sophie Scholl

These quotes are all different ways of essentially saying the same thing. Always do what your heart leads you to do. Even when it's hard. Even when it goes against the grain. Even when society may not want you to do it. Even when you may not have anyone by your side. Because when you genuinely know, in your heart of hearts, that what you're doing is the right thing, then that will always eventually come to light in the end ... whether your intentions are to protect the innocent in the future, or to help bring justice to the guilty in the present. It is not our right, as people, to judge ANYone. That is God's right, alone. However, it IS our right to help protect our fellow brothers and sisters. And if we do not speak up and bring these situations to light that need to be spoken about, and continue to avoid them, or sweep them under the rug, so to say, then our world will continue to become more and more corrupt, and continue to become a worse and worse, and less safe place to raise OUR children. We must stand up for what we KNOW is right. And refuse to accept anything less!

So ... I know right about now, you are all wondering what in the craw-fish I'm talking about and/or referring to. Well ... As one of the quotations says above ... I'm not writing all of this so that everyone knows WHY I am doing what I'm doing. If you should come to find out, well, then good for you. You know. Just know that the REASON I am doing is NOT because of me. It is so that it will not happen to anyone else. And if you DON'T know what I'm talking about, then that's just fine and dandy too ... because I still personally think that it's great advice ;)

So stand tall. Stand firm. And stand confident, in knowing that even if you are standing alone ... you are doing the right thing.

When the voice is only a faint whisper ...

For those of you that seem to be finding yourself in a place where you think you are lost, and you don't know what to do ... where you think things are hopeless ... let me tell you ... I've been there. It doesn't matter what the situation is. Has a person most near and dear to your heart died? Have you lost the love of your life, for one reason or another? Do you feel like everyone that you ever trusted, or that everyone you SHOULD be able to trust, has betrayed you in one way or another? Do you find it difficult to open up your heart to anyone else, due to these circumstances? Have you been plagued with illness, and wondered how you were ever going to be able to get yourself out of bed each day? Do you feel so alone in this world, that you wonder if anyone will ever come along to fill that void in your heart? Have you ever lost your job, and done everything you could to make ends meet? Raking leaves, cutting coupons, and transferring perscriptions from one pharmacy to another, just to get a few dollars to spend at that store? Have you lived off of food stamps? Worked 2 or 3 jobs at a time, just to make ends meet? Friends ... I've been there. Everything I just said ... I've been in each and every one of those situations. Lived through every single one of them.

You know that they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. They say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

There's the story about the person who had the terrible day, and then later asks God why everything went wrong.
He says, "God, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise."
"Why did you let so much stuff happen to me today? I mean ... I woke up late, my car took forever to start, at luch, they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait ... On the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call, and on top of it all, when I got home, I just wanted to soak my feet in my new foot massager and relax. But it wouldn't work! Nothing went right today!! Why did you do that?"
God answered, "Let me see ... the death angel was at your bed this morning, so I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. So I let you sleep through that. I didn't let your car start, because there was a drunk driver on your route, that would have hit you if you were on the road. The first person that made your sandwich today was sick, and I didn't want you to get whatever they had, because I knew you couldn't afford to miss work. Your phone went dead, because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, so I didn't even let you talk to them, so that you would be covered. Oh ... and that foot massager ... it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think that you wanted to be in the dark."
He responded, "I'm sorry God."
"Don't be sorry. Just learn to trust me. In all things - the good times and in the bad."
"I will trust you."
"And don't doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan."

Now while everything said above is true ... and it's true, that God won't give us more than we can handle ... that doesn't mean that we won't struggle with it. And sometimes, we won't just automatically know what we are supposed to do. It doesn't mean that there won't be hard. There will be times that we have to fight tooth and nail. And even when we try SO hard to listen, and try to hear what God is telling us to do, or what the right thing is to do ... sometimes that voice is just a faint whisper. Sometimes we have to simply trust our instincts, and figure that out for ourselves. Sometimes we have to push ourselves to go outside of our comfort zone, and try something that maybe we don't know if we are ready for. Something we might not have done before. Sometimes we have to take a chance. And sometimes, we might fail. But sometimes ... taking that chance will be the greatest thing that ever happens to us. And if we don't ever take that chance, we would have never known what the world was like, on the other side of that mountain we had to climb. It's like a rainbow, after a stormy rain. Even though the sun hasn't quite come out from behind the clouds, the rain has stopped, and you begin to see the rainbow. And sometimes ... that one brave soul will follow that rainbow to the other end, to reach the pot of gold. And that's the person that reaps the biggest reward. That person that takes the biggest risk, is the one that gets the biggest benefit. But it's not without challeneges. It's not without facing fears. It's not without staring adversity in the face. But sometimes in life ... to get what we want, we have to stand up against what may seem uncomfortable. What may seem scary. What may seem different, or what we think could have the potential to hurt us. Because sometimes ... it just might be worth it.

beyond my level of comprehension

things i will never understand ...

ill never understand why ...

you would leave the one person you have ever truly been in love with, in order to attempt to settle for someone else that you know you won't be happy with, no matter what the justification.

any self-respecting woman would tolerate being with a man, KNOWING full well that he is in love with another woman.  regardless of any delusional fantasies she has that he still might have some inkling of desire to be with her.  regardless of any games that she is playing, and just the fact that she doesn't want him to be happy without her, therefore he simply must be with her instead.  SOME part of her knows that he is in love with me.  And that will never make sense to me.

how you can just completely turn off ALL emotions.  even those towards me.  How you can just leave for a week, come back, and seem to just not care about me at all.  I know you do.  Because when you sit down in front of me, and talk, you break down.  And I know that's why you are ignoring me.  And I know that's why you HAVE to shut down.  So you're capable of doing what you think is best.  I just don't know how you can do it.  I don't know WHY you do it.  I don't know why you're so dead set on leaving.  I don't know why you're so dead set on thinking this is what's best for the kids.  I disagree.  SO wholeheartedly.  This will, without a doubt, be the biggest disagreement we have for the rest of our lives.  And, yes, I say it like that, because I refuse to believe that the rest of our lives is over.  We care too much about one another for it to be over.  I'll continue to talk to a brick wall, and share my opinions, and be the loud, obnoxious, opinionated, stubborn girl that YOU fell in love with.  But I'm not giving up on you.  I care too much about you, and too much about us, to just roll over.  So ... as you think ... or don't think, as you be with her ... ok ... i'm not going to think about that, because it makes me want to throw up.  Let's start over.  So ... as you think, and spend time with the kids, and hopefully realize what I'm telling you about there being ways that we can spend just as much, or at least, ALMOST as much, but more QUALITY time with the kids ... TOGETHER ... until you realize that ... i will continue talking your brick wall.  And enduring the pain of you ignoring me everyday.  I'll bear that burden for us for now.  Just spend time with the kids.  Because that's what you need the most in your life.

I love you.  As always.

From SelfiSH to SelfLESS

So I'm sitting in the shower this morning. Having my thinking time. As I do every day. Today, my thoughts turn to how frustrated I am, by the fact that in my 30 years of life, I feel like all I have done is spent my life trying to make everyone else happy. And now what? I am 30 years old, and have seemingly nothing to show for it. So what did I decide? Screw this. I am going to live for me. I am going to say eff the rest of em, and just look out for me. Just do what makes me happy.

Immediately, God spoke to me, and said ... No, Ann. I made you this way for a reason. There is a reason that you are the way that I made you. I made you this way, because there aren't enough people that look out for others. Philippians 2:1-7 says,0 "So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,"

Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

I am supposed to continue being the person that I am. Continue doing everything that I can to make my friends and family and all of those around me happy. And eventually ... one day ... someone will come around that will do the same thing for me.

Aunt Ann

OK. i just need to vent about a few things real quickly. No. I have never been pregnant. i have never been through 9 1/2 months of carrying a child within myself, and going through the actual pains of childbirth (even though that I liken my pains of endometriosis to that of having contractions). So, no. I do not have children that are ACTUALLY my own. I do not have children that I have raised from day one, that live with me 24/7, and that I put up with 365 days a year. I will be the first person to admit that. I will also be the first person to tell you that I would cry from PURE JOY to see a plus sign, or two lines, or whatever other form of "positive" there is on that damn pee stick, to show that I AM pregnant, and would be able to experience all of these things. I want my own children. SO incredibly badly, that there is absolutely NO way that I can express it to you in mere words. none. whatsoever. there are ABSOLUTELY no words to express to you how badly I want children of my own.

However ... and this is a BIG however ... that does NOT mean that I do not know what I am talking about when I am talking about children. Why is that, do you ask? That is because, due to my love of children, I take my love for children to a level that most people would describe as ridiculous or extreme. The children of my best friends, those of whomever I am dating, and even those of my employees ... I treat as if they were my own. I have an entire baby room at my house - with a crib, a glider and ottoman, and a dresser. I have clothes, diapers, wipes, ointments, baby Tylenol, shampoo, bath mats, bath toys, a diaper bag, bottles, baby plates and silverware, food and snacks, and every possible other thing that you could imagine that any "typical parent" might need. I don't know how else to explain to you ... I LOVE KIDS. Everyone aforementioned ... their children have known me since they were in the womb. They all call me Aunt Ann. more than half of them come to my house on a REGULAR basis. 2 or 3 of them have lived with me for various amounts of time, and I have actually RAISED. I woke up with them i the middle of the night, I fed them 3 times a day plus snacks, I did nap time, I sang and rocked them to sleep, I clothed them, I changed the shitty diapers, I did bath time ... I. raised. them. They called me "mommy."

So for someone to tell me that I don't know what I am doing with a child, just because I didn't push one out of my vagina, or because there isn't one that lives in my house 24/7/365 ... I do actually take as an insult. because, quite frankly, I feel as though I'm a better mother than a pretty large percentage of those who have pushed that watermelon out of their vagina. It's just like when a mother adopts their child. Does that mean that they're not their mother? no. same thing here. Just because I didn't push a watermelon through a tennis ball doesn't mean that I don't know how to take care of a tiny human. It's about love. and intuition. and experience. And I can guarantee you one thing ... I have all three. Ask all of the mothers (or fathers, may it be the case), in my Facebook album entitled "My Kiddos."

that is all. end rant. F the rest of you that want to believe otherwise. quite frankly, i really just don't give a shit what you think. you can be as close minded as you want. but when we have to make a surprise stop at my house, because someone doesn't have something for their OWN child, and ... oh wait ... Aunt Ann does ... yeah. That's what I thought. Go fuck yourself.

When one week feels like 3 years ...

If one week is 7 days, therefore 24 hrs X 7 days, therefore 60 min X each hour, and 60 sec per min ... each week = 604,800 seconds in a week

If you say one week feels like 3 years, and one year is 52 weeks, that is 94,348,800 seconds in those theoretical three years.

There is a whole lot that you can cover in that amount of time. And if you consider that one week is the equivalent to three years, then one second is the approximate equivalent to 2.5 minutes. So you're definitely going at lightning speed. And while most of that is perfectly ok with you (albeit, insane to the rest of the world), there are still things left to be covered that there simply isn't enough time to have been covered yet.

Sure ... you can establish within 23 minutes that you've found your soulmate. That ONE person in the world that accepts you for who you are, and loves you no matter what. The one who makes your heart beat faster, and you can never stop thinking about. The one you trust your whole life with. The one you WANT to make a life with ... spend the rest of your life with. Make a family with.

You can easily (or relatively easily, for the purposes of this case)decide on all of the easy things. ie, if youre sure its right, when you move in, when you get married, when you start the family, what furniture to keep, move, etc, etc, etc

But there are so many things that are so much harder ... like accepting each other's baggage, and all that comes with it. Like the fact that I have been broken up with in terrible situations more than once ... and two of them, you are theoretically both of the two guys, rolled into one. Do I want to be jealous? Do I want to worry? Hell no. I don't want to think about this bull shit at ALL! But it's there. It's always there. I can never stop thinking about it. For one, yes, of course your son is the number one person in your entire life. And therefore his mother will be there, whether I like it or not, for the next 18 years. But you want to know the truth? I fucking hate it. Know why? Because I've been there. When mother and father sit there and text or call and talk incessantly, and it always "about the kids," and it's always "so important," and half the time it doesn't have to do with shit except mom trying to get back with dad, or one trying to piss off the other one, and I'm just supposed to sit there with a damn smile on my face like everything is fucking peachy? Well guess what? It's not. Know why? Because for one, I don't even know what the hell yall are talking about, and for two, the whole time I am feeling like she is more important than me. Not your son ... her. Because it isn't "ok, here's the deal with your son," and it's over. It's always some long drawn out hour or more conversation. And you, self admittedly, have stated that you "love us all equally" ... whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.

What else bothers me? sex. and you already know it, and you already know why. I think we've officially beat this subject to a dead horse.

Last but not least. This subject is the hardest for me to talk about, and will probably be the hardest for you to read. Your mom. Now am I trying to replace her? Hell no. My mother is my OWN best friend. Am I trying to tell you not to be there for her? Hell no. I know that she needs you to be there for her. But again, if we are discussing planning a life together ... then does not that make her MY mom too? OR are WE going quickly, but you and your MOM are on an entirely different level? Just like when we talked before. How to me, I am most important, but to her, she is most important. I'm not trying to take any mother/son time away from you and her. But I also don't want you to wait until 3 months before we're supposed to get married, when you finally decide to tell her. I don't want you to be living with me, but NOT be living with me, unless mother has given you the approval for the night. And I know a lot of this sound harsh. And I don't mean for it to sound that way. And that's why I haven't said any of it yet. Because there is no easy way to.

But then there is everything else:

1) how do we want to raise our children (crying, spanking, discipline, etc)

2) how many do we want?

3) how often and honest are we going to be?

4) when we get married, and even essentially now, seeing as we have supposedly already promised the rest of our lives to each other, at which point, the two people are to become one, why is it that I am "equally loved, along with 4 other people?"

5) how do we manage our finances? what is most important? bills? private school? going out?

we have both been through shitty relationships. and we have both very recently ended some. and we both are old enough that we have figured out exactly what we want. and to the best of both of our knowledge, that is each other. we want a family. we want marriage. we want people we can trust. we just want EACH OTHER! But we have to start doing more of your favorite word (communicating) and less of your favorite activity (ummm .... duh!), and make sure we are doing what we are both sure is right. And we know that we're doing everything we can, to make it the last time. for both of us.

The 6 Month Roller Coaster Ride From Hell

WARNING:

Must be at least 48" Tall to Ride this Ride

No Pace Makers, No Pregnant Women, and no one that is easily disturbed my motion sickness

No one that has any head, neck or back injuries, or may be disturbed by sudden jarring movements

Rated NC-17 for Violence, Foul Language, and Sexual References

And last but not least, let us remember ... "Thou shalt cast no judgement, lest ye be judged."

Let us begin ...

Now I am about to take you on the longest, crazies, most insane roller coaster ride that you can ever imagine. One that is so long, and so hellacious that you will just keep hoping, and praying that the end is somewhere in sight. There will be the slow, climbing ups, where you can hear the cranks turning, and you just know the top is eventually going to get there, and then once it does, the bottom is so far down, and you start falling so ridiculously fast, that your heart jumps into your throat, and you can't breathe, or think, and the only reaction you can make is to scream bloody murder. There will be the slow, steaming, curvacious turns, as if you were strolling along the lazy river, and then all of the sudden, you'll wind up on the of the circle wheels, that I was always afraid of when I was a kid, because I didn't want to do anything that would make me go upside down, because I couldn't decide if I was going to barf all over someone, or fall out of my seat.

And this ride ... this never ending, hellacious ride that I am describing to you ... this ride, has been my life since June 1st, 2013. One, giant 8 1/2 month roller coaster ride from HELL.

June 1st - 6 weeks before I am about to get married. All monies already invested. I find out that my fiance has been cheating on me. For ALMOST A YEAR. Approx 2 weeks later - I get "fired" for the purposes of the story from my job. No reason, at all, whatsoever. Approx 1 week later - my Maid of Honor, Matron of Honor, and 1 of 2 Bridesmaids decide to still go on my Bachelorette trip, which has been renamed, "Cheaper than a Divorce" party. We get home, at which point, My Bridesmaid and Maid of Honor/Best Friend of 16 years decide how much of a "selfish, wretched person I am," (which, at least in my own eyes, as well as the Matron of Honor, has absolutely ZERO merit), and neither one of them has said a single word to me since.

July 20 - day of my supposed wedding - mother and I travel on my honeymoon (as it has already been paid for). We re-dub it the "Mommy-Moon". At some time during this trip, my fiance (we called ourselves engaged, however we never actually did any sort of planning of a wedding, so call that what you may), finds me on facebook. We haven't spoken in over 5 years. Apparently, he has fixed some of the demons that were the cause of our demise, and has recently had a son (6 months old, at the time). We text a little while I am back in town. We decide to meet up when I get back, because apparently he is back in school and living at his sister's house, which is like a block away. When we meet up, we say, "hey, this is like old times, but minus the shitty part, we can try this again. plus, i LOVE your son."

Throughout July, Aug, Sep - I have a friend/coworker living with me. She, also has a son. The joke between us, is that I am her mother, and her son, Hunter, is my grandson. He calls us both Mom. I am still unemployed at this point, although I am applying for jobs. It's just that nothing is coming up.

Somewhere in here, my dad comes over, and talks about how trashy people with tattoos are (FYI, I have 6), they're all bad news, how dare my roommate have a biracial child, etc, etc, etc. In general, old school thinking. Get with it dad. I call my mom, and tell her I'm not talking to him anymore, because he is racist and judgmental, and can't dictate my life. We also have a family wedding coming up, to which he tells me I can't bring my boyfriend to, because he has tattoos, and that would bring shame upon the family (bc clearly, tattoos mean you are going to hell, and you can't dress up for a wedding and put on a damn long sleeve button up shirt). This then causes Mom to make the three of us (Ann, mom, and Dad, go to counseling, at which point dad pretty much admits that he doesn't see a point in going, bc he's going to do what he wants to do, and that's just all there is to it.) However, I do finally bust out and tell him that I, do in fact, have tattoos. I tell my father, who has been telling me, for 15 years, that if i ever got tattoos, he would disown me, that I had 6 tattoos. One for when my grandmother died. One for when my grandfather died. One to get me through grad school. A Bible verse. And did I go to jail? Do drugs? Become a delinquent? No. He couldn't really say much, but DAMN! Did it feel good. I also told him that for the past 10 years, how every time he mentioned something or someone with tattoos, I felt like his derogatory remarks were pointing straight at me. I told him that he was racist, and judgmental, and that I didn't appreciate any of it. And you know what? That felt good too.

>A few months later, I notice several of my belongings missing. I question roommate about it. The minute i even attempt to ask her, she flips out, and decides she is moving out, and starts packing. Guess what? Now she's gone, and so is my grandson. Another child gone. No Christmas for me and Hunter either. And then, of course, she starts sending me a million texts about how I am a terrible person, and I better watch my back, etc,etc, etc ... so I am forced to get a restraining order. Because I ... simply put ... I just aint got time got that bull shit.

A few months later, back pops up boyfriends demise. Therefore, break up with him, again, I do. And I lose my "son." Child #3, near and dear to my heart, lost in less than 6 months. And these things may seem simple, and not mean much to you ... but when you love kids as much as I do, and you WANT them as desperately as I do, and you have been putting yourself through hellish pain for 7 years, just for the mere HOPE, that you MAY be able to have your own one day, and you are used to being able to see them every day ... even thinking about it again is absolutely heart-wrenching and tear jerking.

I spend Christmas and the next few weeks by myself. In a really deep, dark place. My dad has once again, reared his ugly head, shown his true colors, and cussed me like dog shit, until the sun set. All while I a preparing to go to a job interview. Because, of course, that would be the most appropriate time to tell your daughter how worthless she is, and that she needs to get her shit straight (and yes ... that was very much so, the PG version). Until finally, I talk to my OTHER Bridesmaid, and she helps me realize ... throughout all of this bullshit, and this shitty ass, crotchety old roller coaster that needs to be torn the fuck down ... I have lost sight of me. Of who I am. The Ann that used to always walk around with a smile on her face, and joke around, and be optimistic about everything, and make everyone laugh at the stupid, retarded jokes she would make ... "Oooorrrrrrange you glad I'm not a banana???" Yes. Stupid things like that. I've lost sight of myself. Of the things I stand for. Of the kind of life I want to live.

So what do I do? I say fuck this roller coaster. I pull the emergency breaks, and I jump the hell off! Because I'm not riding this bull shit ride anymore! I'm going to find me again. The goofy, stupid, optimistic, generous, Ann that is deep inside me, trying to crawl out from this shell, otherwise known as hell, and find her way back into the sunlight. Oh, new friend, that I have never actually met. You don't have any food, because you just moved here, and you're running a tab at work to eat? That is unacceptable. Let me be slightly creepy, find out where you work, and come put a bunch of groceries in your car. Oh, new friend, that has very quickly become a very good friend, your daughter is acting inappropriately, and not listening to you? You just wait ... because she is GONNA listen to me, whether she likes it or not. oh, recently made ex boyfriend, you're finally admitting you need to go to rehab and asking for a ride? yes, by all means, let me drop what i am doing and get your ass OUT there! Therefore ... my new superhero name has become Princess Annabelle :)

But do you know what the best part about ALL of that is?!?!? As soon as the real ME started coming out ... the rest made an immediate follow. The puzzle pieces starting putting themselves together. And at such a rapid rate, that I couldn't even keep up. It's like, literally, my entire life's plan that I had in my head, but playing out in seconds rather than days, months or years.

Ex: Meet future husband online ... exchange 3 sentences each ... give him my phone number (never, ever done in my entire life)

start texting ... agree on every subject or thing we talk about. i mention that I had actually posted that same day, hours earlier about either getting in vitro, or a surrogate. He says no, we can wait on that. 23 minutes from the first text, i say, "so when are we getting married?"

he responds with a date ... only a few weeks away. so yes. he is just as insane as i am.

text another 15 minutes. we went to high school together.

we decide we must meet up. right this second. he tells me he will be waiting outside, to meet his future wife.

we establish that i have to write everything down for both of us in my day planner, bc we both have terrible memories. i say thats fine, you just have to listen to what i say, damn it!

We establish that love is like a dream, that finally comes reality.

but most importantly ...