When one week feels like 3 years ...

If one week is 7 days, therefore 24 hrs X 7 days, therefore 60 min X each hour, and 60 sec per min ... each week = 604,800 seconds in a week

If you say one week feels like 3 years, and one year is 52 weeks, that is 94,348,800 seconds in those theoretical three years.

There is a whole lot that you can cover in that amount of time. And if you consider that one week is the equivalent to three years, then one second is the approximate equivalent to 2.5 minutes. So you're definitely going at lightning speed. And while most of that is perfectly ok with you (albeit, insane to the rest of the world), there are still things left to be covered that there simply isn't enough time to have been covered yet.

Sure ... you can establish within 23 minutes that you've found your soulmate. That ONE person in the world that accepts you for who you are, and loves you no matter what. The one who makes your heart beat faster, and you can never stop thinking about. The one you trust your whole life with. The one you WANT to make a life with ... spend the rest of your life with. Make a family with.

You can easily (or relatively easily, for the purposes of this case)decide on all of the easy things. ie, if youre sure its right, when you move in, when you get married, when you start the family, what furniture to keep, move, etc, etc, etc

But there are so many things that are so much harder ... like accepting each other's baggage, and all that comes with it. Like the fact that I have been broken up with in terrible situations more than once ... and two of them, you are theoretically both of the two guys, rolled into one. Do I want to be jealous? Do I want to worry? Hell no. I don't want to think about this bull shit at ALL! But it's there. It's always there. I can never stop thinking about it. For one, yes, of course your son is the number one person in your entire life. And therefore his mother will be there, whether I like it or not, for the next 18 years. But you want to know the truth? I fucking hate it. Know why? Because I've been there. When mother and father sit there and text or call and talk incessantly, and it always "about the kids," and it's always "so important," and half the time it doesn't have to do with shit except mom trying to get back with dad, or one trying to piss off the other one, and I'm just supposed to sit there with a damn smile on my face like everything is fucking peachy? Well guess what? It's not. Know why? Because for one, I don't even know what the hell yall are talking about, and for two, the whole time I am feeling like she is more important than me. Not your son ... her. Because it isn't "ok, here's the deal with your son," and it's over. It's always some long drawn out hour or more conversation. And you, self admittedly, have stated that you "love us all equally" ... whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.

What else bothers me? sex. and you already know it, and you already know why. I think we've officially beat this subject to a dead horse.

Last but not least. This subject is the hardest for me to talk about, and will probably be the hardest for you to read. Your mom. Now am I trying to replace her? Hell no. My mother is my OWN best friend. Am I trying to tell you not to be there for her? Hell no. I know that she needs you to be there for her. But again, if we are discussing planning a life together ... then does not that make her MY mom too? OR are WE going quickly, but you and your MOM are on an entirely different level? Just like when we talked before. How to me, I am most important, but to her, she is most important. I'm not trying to take any mother/son time away from you and her. But I also don't want you to wait until 3 months before we're supposed to get married, when you finally decide to tell her. I don't want you to be living with me, but NOT be living with me, unless mother has given you the approval for the night. And I know a lot of this sound harsh. And I don't mean for it to sound that way. And that's why I haven't said any of it yet. Because there is no easy way to.

But then there is everything else:

1) how do we want to raise our children (crying, spanking, discipline, etc)

2) how many do we want?

3) how often and honest are we going to be?

4) when we get married, and even essentially now, seeing as we have supposedly already promised the rest of our lives to each other, at which point, the two people are to become one, why is it that I am "equally loved, along with 4 other people?"

5) how do we manage our finances? what is most important? bills? private school? going out?

we have both been through shitty relationships. and we have both very recently ended some. and we both are old enough that we have figured out exactly what we want. and to the best of both of our knowledge, that is each other. we want a family. we want marriage. we want people we can trust. we just want EACH OTHER! But we have to start doing more of your favorite word (communicating) and less of your favorite activity (ummm .... duh!), and make sure we are doing what we are both sure is right. And we know that we're doing everything we can, to make it the last time. for both of us.

The 6 Month Roller Coaster Ride From Hell

WARNING:

Must be at least 48" Tall to Ride this Ride

No Pace Makers, No Pregnant Women, and no one that is easily disturbed my motion sickness

No one that has any head, neck or back injuries, or may be disturbed by sudden jarring movements

Rated NC-17 for Violence, Foul Language, and Sexual References

And last but not least, let us remember ... "Thou shalt cast no judgement, lest ye be judged."

Let us begin ...

Now I am about to take you on the longest, crazies, most insane roller coaster ride that you can ever imagine. One that is so long, and so hellacious that you will just keep hoping, and praying that the end is somewhere in sight. There will be the slow, climbing ups, where you can hear the cranks turning, and you just know the top is eventually going to get there, and then once it does, the bottom is so far down, and you start falling so ridiculously fast, that your heart jumps into your throat, and you can't breathe, or think, and the only reaction you can make is to scream bloody murder. There will be the slow, steaming, curvacious turns, as if you were strolling along the lazy river, and then all of the sudden, you'll wind up on the of the circle wheels, that I was always afraid of when I was a kid, because I didn't want to do anything that would make me go upside down, because I couldn't decide if I was going to barf all over someone, or fall out of my seat.

And this ride ... this never ending, hellacious ride that I am describing to you ... this ride, has been my life since June 1st, 2013. One, giant 8 1/2 month roller coaster ride from HELL.

June 1st - 6 weeks before I am about to get married. All monies already invested. I find out that my fiance has been cheating on me. For ALMOST A YEAR. Approx 2 weeks later - I get "fired" for the purposes of the story from my job. No reason, at all, whatsoever. Approx 1 week later - my Maid of Honor, Matron of Honor, and 1 of 2 Bridesmaids decide to still go on my Bachelorette trip, which has been renamed, "Cheaper than a Divorce" party. We get home, at which point, My Bridesmaid and Maid of Honor/Best Friend of 16 years decide how much of a "selfish, wretched person I am," (which, at least in my own eyes, as well as the Matron of Honor, has absolutely ZERO merit), and neither one of them has said a single word to me since.

July 20 - day of my supposed wedding - mother and I travel on my honeymoon (as it has already been paid for). We re-dub it the "Mommy-Moon". At some time during this trip, my fiance (we called ourselves engaged, however we never actually did any sort of planning of a wedding, so call that what you may), finds me on facebook. We haven't spoken in over 5 years. Apparently, he has fixed some of the demons that were the cause of our demise, and has recently had a son (6 months old, at the time). We text a little while I am back in town. We decide to meet up when I get back, because apparently he is back in school and living at his sister's house, which is like a block away. When we meet up, we say, "hey, this is like old times, but minus the shitty part, we can try this again. plus, i LOVE your son."

Throughout July, Aug, Sep - I have a friend/coworker living with me. She, also has a son. The joke between us, is that I am her mother, and her son, Hunter, is my grandson. He calls us both Mom. I am still unemployed at this point, although I am applying for jobs. It's just that nothing is coming up.

Somewhere in here, my dad comes over, and talks about how trashy people with tattoos are (FYI, I have 6), they're all bad news, how dare my roommate have a biracial child, etc, etc, etc. In general, old school thinking. Get with it dad. I call my mom, and tell her I'm not talking to him anymore, because he is racist and judgmental, and can't dictate my life. We also have a family wedding coming up, to which he tells me I can't bring my boyfriend to, because he has tattoos, and that would bring shame upon the family (bc clearly, tattoos mean you are going to hell, and you can't dress up for a wedding and put on a damn long sleeve button up shirt). This then causes Mom to make the three of us (Ann, mom, and Dad, go to counseling, at which point dad pretty much admits that he doesn't see a point in going, bc he's going to do what he wants to do, and that's just all there is to it.) However, I do finally bust out and tell him that I, do in fact, have tattoos. I tell my father, who has been telling me, for 15 years, that if i ever got tattoos, he would disown me, that I had 6 tattoos. One for when my grandmother died. One for when my grandfather died. One to get me through grad school. A Bible verse. And did I go to jail? Do drugs? Become a delinquent? No. He couldn't really say much, but DAMN! Did it feel good. I also told him that for the past 10 years, how every time he mentioned something or someone with tattoos, I felt like his derogatory remarks were pointing straight at me. I told him that he was racist, and judgmental, and that I didn't appreciate any of it. And you know what? That felt good too.

>A few months later, I notice several of my belongings missing. I question roommate about it. The minute i even attempt to ask her, she flips out, and decides she is moving out, and starts packing. Guess what? Now she's gone, and so is my grandson. Another child gone. No Christmas for me and Hunter either. And then, of course, she starts sending me a million texts about how I am a terrible person, and I better watch my back, etc,etc, etc ... so I am forced to get a restraining order. Because I ... simply put ... I just aint got time got that bull shit.

A few months later, back pops up boyfriends demise. Therefore, break up with him, again, I do. And I lose my "son." Child #3, near and dear to my heart, lost in less than 6 months. And these things may seem simple, and not mean much to you ... but when you love kids as much as I do, and you WANT them as desperately as I do, and you have been putting yourself through hellish pain for 7 years, just for the mere HOPE, that you MAY be able to have your own one day, and you are used to being able to see them every day ... even thinking about it again is absolutely heart-wrenching and tear jerking.

I spend Christmas and the next few weeks by myself. In a really deep, dark place. My dad has once again, reared his ugly head, shown his true colors, and cussed me like dog shit, until the sun set. All while I a preparing to go to a job interview. Because, of course, that would be the most appropriate time to tell your daughter how worthless she is, and that she needs to get her shit straight (and yes ... that was very much so, the PG version). Until finally, I talk to my OTHER Bridesmaid, and she helps me realize ... throughout all of this bullshit, and this shitty ass, crotchety old roller coaster that needs to be torn the fuck down ... I have lost sight of me. Of who I am. The Ann that used to always walk around with a smile on her face, and joke around, and be optimistic about everything, and make everyone laugh at the stupid, retarded jokes she would make ... "Oooorrrrrrange you glad I'm not a banana???" Yes. Stupid things like that. I've lost sight of myself. Of the things I stand for. Of the kind of life I want to live.

So what do I do? I say fuck this roller coaster. I pull the emergency breaks, and I jump the hell off! Because I'm not riding this bull shit ride anymore! I'm going to find me again. The goofy, stupid, optimistic, generous, Ann that is deep inside me, trying to crawl out from this shell, otherwise known as hell, and find her way back into the sunlight. Oh, new friend, that I have never actually met. You don't have any food, because you just moved here, and you're running a tab at work to eat? That is unacceptable. Let me be slightly creepy, find out where you work, and come put a bunch of groceries in your car. Oh, new friend, that has very quickly become a very good friend, your daughter is acting inappropriately, and not listening to you? You just wait ... because she is GONNA listen to me, whether she likes it or not. oh, recently made ex boyfriend, you're finally admitting you need to go to rehab and asking for a ride? yes, by all means, let me drop what i am doing and get your ass OUT there! Therefore ... my new superhero name has become Princess Annabelle :)

But do you know what the best part about ALL of that is?!?!? As soon as the real ME started coming out ... the rest made an immediate follow. The puzzle pieces starting putting themselves together. And at such a rapid rate, that I couldn't even keep up. It's like, literally, my entire life's plan that I had in my head, but playing out in seconds rather than days, months or years.

Ex: Meet future husband online ... exchange 3 sentences each ... give him my phone number (never, ever done in my entire life)

start texting ... agree on every subject or thing we talk about. i mention that I had actually posted that same day, hours earlier about either getting in vitro, or a surrogate. He says no, we can wait on that. 23 minutes from the first text, i say, "so when are we getting married?"

he responds with a date ... only a few weeks away. so yes. he is just as insane as i am.

text another 15 minutes. we went to high school together.

we decide we must meet up. right this second. he tells me he will be waiting outside, to meet his future wife.

we establish that i have to write everything down for both of us in my day planner, bc we both have terrible memories. i say thats fine, you just have to listen to what i say, damn it!

We establish that love is like a dream, that finally comes reality.

but most importantly ...