I've been thinking a lot about my relationship lately. Both the one I'm currently in, and what's gone wrong with the previous ones. Obviously I can't speak for anyone other than myself, so let me do that ...
Not to make excuses ... but I have had a lot of bad experiences in my life. Nothing detrimental, of course. I've never been REALLY abused, I wasn't adopted, etc. Sure ... I've been verbally abused, cheated on, left by boyfriends, and things of that nature.
But here's where I start analyzing ... I think I nit pick. I KNOW I do. Entirely too much. I think it comes from my perfectionistic nature. And the more I love someone, and the more I want the relationship to work, the more I nit pick. I think I nit pick because I'm happy and when I'm happy, I think that "This can't really be true. There has to be something wrong" is what I'm thinking.
My flaws and imperfections seem to be putting a tremendous strain on my current relationship. Out of every relationship I've had with anyone, I want this one to work more than anyone. Its a hard thing to explain when you have such strong feelings about someone, but Im sure somebody out there understands what I mean.
I have trouble trying to say things to him. For example, I have issues with HOW I say things. Sometimes, the tone of my voice and the WAY in which I present certain things can be taken as being condescending. I dont mean it (obviously), it just kind of comes out that way. But there's no excuse for it, and we are both tired of me saying sorry. Or worse ... NOT say it, because I don't even realize that that's how it comes out.
Im think too much sometimes and dont think enough other times. For example, I tend to dwell on mistakes Ive made, and my past, rather than look to the future. Because I've been cheated on so much, and I've been left more than once, I tend to view certain situations in the most negative way possible. In that sense, I tend to be overly pessimistic and paranoid. It's not necessarily that I don't trust him, or that I consciously think he would cheat on me, my mind just automatically goes into the thought process of ... "That doesn't seem right ..." Like when a text goes unanswered, or he stays at work long after he should have gotten off, or if I haven't seen him in days, or something of that nature. I realize that these aren't normal thought patterns, but I can't seem to control these negative/obsessive thoughts. Other times I simply DON'T think, and things just seem to pop out of my mouth at random. Its driving me mad that no matter how much I try, I continue to question the possiblities of what's going on, and what he wants, when he's contintually telling me all he wants is me.
My constant battle of INdependence vs DEpendence. I am a VERY independent person ... MOST of the time. I want to do my own thing, and do things my way, and be in control. MOST of the time. But at the SAME time, I am just as DEpendent on my mate. I CRAVE attention, love, and companionship. I need to know I'm loved, and that you need me, and want me, and appreciate me. I don't want to walk through this battle of life without you by my side. There's so many battles that we face alone already, with work, and everything else, that I need to know that my lifeline is there. That I can text you when I'm having a bad day. That when I'm freaking out, you will know how to calm me down. That when the day is over, you will WANT to be there by my side, to talk about the day, and do ... naughty things :) I don't want to go to bed alone. I want you to be there. By my side. Call it selfish. Maybe it is. But I like waking up next to you. Even if it DOES take me hitting the snooze button for 45 minutes to finally get you to wake up.
I just want the relationship we used to have. The one we say we want together. The little white house, the picket fence, and the family. I want us to trust each other. I'm so attracted to him for all the qualities I saw in you before we were even together. For your self-assuredness, and all the love he showed me before I began to drive him insane. I want Bora-Bora back. Before we drove wach other crazy. When we did our own things, and still wanted to come together at the end of the day, because we love each other so much that we need to complete the day with one another.
I want YOU.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
for those of you with nothing better to do ...
than talk about me, and dissect every aspect of my life, and every relationship i've ever had ... i'm sure you're rather entertained by all that there's been. but let's get a few things straight. yes. i've been through a lot. yes. there's been a lot of ups and a lot of downs. yes. i've made some poor decisions. i've picked some less than stellar mates. yes. i've had my heart broken. but do you all REALLY have nothing better to do than sit around and talk about me and my love life? do you REALLY have nothing better to do than critic every aspect of my life, and judge that which you *think* were the downfalls of each relationship? well ... let's consider the factors that you DON'T know.
hmmm ... yes. i used to be engaged. to a man i thought i was madly in love with. we were both young, and liked to party. i mistook his love for partying for his alcoholism. i grew out of partying. his alcoholism turned into more hardcore things, like abusing drugs. once those things took over every aspect of his life, the substances took control of HIM. he started stealing (from me). lying when he got caught. it all cycled out of control. i thought our love could fix it. i kicked him out of the house. we tried to make it work without living together. it wasn't fixable. he still lied, stole, and probably cheated. we were broken. and couldn't be put back together. and for someone to even pose that he "realized that he made the right decision to get away from me" is simply preposterous. since the day i told him i never wanted to talk to him again, he has done nothing but realize that i was the best thing that ever happened to him. and i never want to speak to him again.
and then there's the next love of my life - the man that couldn't live without his children. the two children he made with a woman that he was with for nine years, but would never marry. and in the year that we were together, we had already moved in together, and were talking about marriage - something he had never considered with the mother of his two children. yes. he left me out of nowhere to move to another state, to go back to her (where she had picked up and moved away with the children), so that he could finally be with his kids again, and see them everyday, and try to make it work with her. and i will never fault him for trying to be the best father that he can be. but for people that call themselves BOTH of our friends, to tell him that he's finally back with his "family" and "back where he belongs," and for others to say that I was only with him because he was a manager for the company I worked for (hey ... reality check ... SO WAS I!), or that I got a big head because i was dating him, etc, etc, etc ... is absurd.
And now ... these same people want to start telling my current boyfriend about how I'm such a slut because i've dated these people (apparently being engaged to a person that youve been with almost 3 years, and dating someone else for a year means you get around ...???) ... and that everyone was so right to have left me and moved on. ok ... first of all, not that i have to defend myself in the LEAST ... but for one, i left my fiance, and for COMPLETELY justifiable reasons. And yes, my most recent ex left me. could it be for the kids? maybe. for her? who knows. but regardlgess ... my point in all of this is ... why is it that people have NOTHING better to do than sit around and discuss someone else's relationships/life? have you REALLY got nothing better to do than try to ruin someone else's happiness? i mean ... damn ... i'm sorry your life sucks ... but mine doesn't. in fact ... im QUITE happy with my life, AND my boyfriend :)
build a bridge, and get the hell over your jealousy and miserable life. because i'm not the source of your misery.
hmmm ... yes. i used to be engaged. to a man i thought i was madly in love with. we were both young, and liked to party. i mistook his love for partying for his alcoholism. i grew out of partying. his alcoholism turned into more hardcore things, like abusing drugs. once those things took over every aspect of his life, the substances took control of HIM. he started stealing (from me). lying when he got caught. it all cycled out of control. i thought our love could fix it. i kicked him out of the house. we tried to make it work without living together. it wasn't fixable. he still lied, stole, and probably cheated. we were broken. and couldn't be put back together. and for someone to even pose that he "realized that he made the right decision to get away from me" is simply preposterous. since the day i told him i never wanted to talk to him again, he has done nothing but realize that i was the best thing that ever happened to him. and i never want to speak to him again.
and then there's the next love of my life - the man that couldn't live without his children. the two children he made with a woman that he was with for nine years, but would never marry. and in the year that we were together, we had already moved in together, and were talking about marriage - something he had never considered with the mother of his two children. yes. he left me out of nowhere to move to another state, to go back to her (where she had picked up and moved away with the children), so that he could finally be with his kids again, and see them everyday, and try to make it work with her. and i will never fault him for trying to be the best father that he can be. but for people that call themselves BOTH of our friends, to tell him that he's finally back with his "family" and "back where he belongs," and for others to say that I was only with him because he was a manager for the company I worked for (hey ... reality check ... SO WAS I!), or that I got a big head because i was dating him, etc, etc, etc ... is absurd.
And now ... these same people want to start telling my current boyfriend about how I'm such a slut because i've dated these people (apparently being engaged to a person that youve been with almost 3 years, and dating someone else for a year means you get around ...???) ... and that everyone was so right to have left me and moved on. ok ... first of all, not that i have to defend myself in the LEAST ... but for one, i left my fiance, and for COMPLETELY justifiable reasons. And yes, my most recent ex left me. could it be for the kids? maybe. for her? who knows. but regardlgess ... my point in all of this is ... why is it that people have NOTHING better to do than sit around and discuss someone else's relationships/life? have you REALLY got nothing better to do than try to ruin someone else's happiness? i mean ... damn ... i'm sorry your life sucks ... but mine doesn't. in fact ... im QUITE happy with my life, AND my boyfriend :)
build a bridge, and get the hell over your jealousy and miserable life. because i'm not the source of your misery.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
thoughts running rampant
i'm tired of people that have nothing better to do than talk about me. than to run their mouths about things they know nothing about. that start rumors, just because they THINK they know something. than people that think they have the right to tell me how many things they think i'm doing wrong, or how im a terrible person, or a terrible friend, or how im breaking so many rules.
who are YOU to judge? really? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." no-one is perfect. and i'm the first to admit that i am FAR from it. but i will say one thing ... i try my damndest TO be. i try my damndest to make everyone happy. and YES. that DOES include myself. pardon me, if i want to be happy too. there's plenty of ways that i follow the rules. and there's plenty of ways that i don't. i'll admit that too. i pick and choose which ones. ill pick them based on relevance and relative levels of importance to me and the situation at hand. i'm a rebel. i can admit that too.
but i will not accept blame for wrongs i have not committed, or guilts for sins that are not mine. i will not sit by, idly, while those around me tarnish my name, or try to say that i am the sole reason that the world is coming to an end.
PLEASE world ... grow up. act your age. mellow out. GEEZ!
who are YOU to judge? really? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." no-one is perfect. and i'm the first to admit that i am FAR from it. but i will say one thing ... i try my damndest TO be. i try my damndest to make everyone happy. and YES. that DOES include myself. pardon me, if i want to be happy too. there's plenty of ways that i follow the rules. and there's plenty of ways that i don't. i'll admit that too. i pick and choose which ones. ill pick them based on relevance and relative levels of importance to me and the situation at hand. i'm a rebel. i can admit that too.
but i will not accept blame for wrongs i have not committed, or guilts for sins that are not mine. i will not sit by, idly, while those around me tarnish my name, or try to say that i am the sole reason that the world is coming to an end.
PLEASE world ... grow up. act your age. mellow out. GEEZ!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
emotional mumbo jumbo ...
there's different types of emotional pain, that i feel that everyone can identify with ...
there's the kind where, you feel like you've done absolutely nothing wrong, and you just feel sorry for yourself and blame everything on everyone else.
there's the kind where you let the emotional scars of your past, affect your future, because you can never seem to let the wounds fully heal.
and then there's the kind where, you accept the blame for the actions that you've taken, and realize that you have brought some of the repercussions upon yourself. this kind is the hardest to achieve, and we can never get there all the time. yet it seems to be the epitome of emotional growth. if we can achieve this level of understanding and acceptance only a fractional amount, then we are better off for it. better off ourselves, for we have reached a level of peace, acceptance, and understanding, and better off with the world, for we are no longer placing blame on one another - be it for the past, or the present.
i also believe there's different types of doubt, that everyone can identify with.
there's doubt of ourselves. when we don't believe we can do anything right. we have no faith in ourselves, in our abilities, our capabilities, or in what we deserve. we have no value of self-worth, because we feel as though we are less than first-rate. i don't want me, so why would anyone else?
there's doubt in one another. we don't trust anyone - what they say, what they do, what they look like, what their intentions are, etc. everyone is always "up to something." there is no such thing as an "honest person." no such thing as "good intentions."
i believe that there's different types of people.
there's the optimist. this is the person that is always overly enthusiastic about everything. the "glass is half-full" person. the overly energetic, happy-go-lucky, positive outlook on life, type of person. this person has a tendency to take a favorable or hopeful view of the future.
there's the pessimist. this is the person who is always cynical about everything. the "glass is half-empty" person. the overly gloomy, negative outlook on life, type of person. this person has a tendency hold a state of mind in which one perceives life negatively.
there's the realist. this is the person who has the systematic tendency to predict the most likely outcomes, be it positive OR negative. it's also the excuse that a lot of pessimists use when they don't want to admit that they're pessimists. "I'm not a pessimist, I'm a REALIST!"
but let's take it one step further - the uber-pessimist. this is the person that, rather than seeing the glass half-empty, says that they never even had a glass at all. "Glass? What glass?" this person ... no matter what you do or say ... everything is wrong. don't try to rectify the situation, because it won't matter. it's still wrong.
the main personality types ... and then some ...
Type A - twould be me ... DUH! there's usually very independent, direct, and to the point. they're focused on what they're doing, and almost always relatively insensitive to others that might be around them. they are very decisive and persistent in getting what they want and need.
Type B - the socializer. loves to be the center of attention. they love excitement and are often impatient and demanding as a result of being a "high-energy" type.
and then there are the lesser-known ... types C&D.
Type C - this person thrives on details and accuracy. they want facts - information from which they can verify the details and make a decision. they are consistent in everything they do, because everything has an order or procedure. they are deep, thoughtful, and usually very sensitive.
Type D - this type doesn't like change. they are very supportive of others and are often the type that others turn to when they have a problem.
there's a lot of different types of people in this world. and we all need to learn to love and appreciate all of the differences amongst ourselves. no one is the same. nor should we expect them to be. if we were all cookie-cutter with one another, this world would be an awfully boring place. so once we learn to realize these things ... and move on ... and accept things for that which they are ... and the blame for our own actions ... and fault for our own wrongs ... and appreciate one another for who we are ... things will start to be a lot more ... favorable.
there's the kind where, you feel like you've done absolutely nothing wrong, and you just feel sorry for yourself and blame everything on everyone else.
there's the kind where you let the emotional scars of your past, affect your future, because you can never seem to let the wounds fully heal.
and then there's the kind where, you accept the blame for the actions that you've taken, and realize that you have brought some of the repercussions upon yourself. this kind is the hardest to achieve, and we can never get there all the time. yet it seems to be the epitome of emotional growth. if we can achieve this level of understanding and acceptance only a fractional amount, then we are better off for it. better off ourselves, for we have reached a level of peace, acceptance, and understanding, and better off with the world, for we are no longer placing blame on one another - be it for the past, or the present.
i also believe there's different types of doubt, that everyone can identify with.
there's doubt of ourselves. when we don't believe we can do anything right. we have no faith in ourselves, in our abilities, our capabilities, or in what we deserve. we have no value of self-worth, because we feel as though we are less than first-rate. i don't want me, so why would anyone else?
there's doubt in one another. we don't trust anyone - what they say, what they do, what they look like, what their intentions are, etc. everyone is always "up to something." there is no such thing as an "honest person." no such thing as "good intentions."
i believe that there's different types of people.
there's the optimist. this is the person that is always overly enthusiastic about everything. the "glass is half-full" person. the overly energetic, happy-go-lucky, positive outlook on life, type of person. this person has a tendency to take a favorable or hopeful view of the future.
there's the pessimist. this is the person who is always cynical about everything. the "glass is half-empty" person. the overly gloomy, negative outlook on life, type of person. this person has a tendency hold a state of mind in which one perceives life negatively.
there's the realist. this is the person who has the systematic tendency to predict the most likely outcomes, be it positive OR negative. it's also the excuse that a lot of pessimists use when they don't want to admit that they're pessimists. "I'm not a pessimist, I'm a REALIST!"
but let's take it one step further - the uber-pessimist. this is the person that, rather than seeing the glass half-empty, says that they never even had a glass at all. "Glass? What glass?" this person ... no matter what you do or say ... everything is wrong. don't try to rectify the situation, because it won't matter. it's still wrong.
the main personality types ... and then some ...
Type A - twould be me ... DUH! there's usually very independent, direct, and to the point. they're focused on what they're doing, and almost always relatively insensitive to others that might be around them. they are very decisive and persistent in getting what they want and need.
Type B - the socializer. loves to be the center of attention. they love excitement and are often impatient and demanding as a result of being a "high-energy" type.
and then there are the lesser-known ... types C&D.
Type C - this person thrives on details and accuracy. they want facts - information from which they can verify the details and make a decision. they are consistent in everything they do, because everything has an order or procedure. they are deep, thoughtful, and usually very sensitive.
Type D - this type doesn't like change. they are very supportive of others and are often the type that others turn to when they have a problem.
there's a lot of different types of people in this world. and we all need to learn to love and appreciate all of the differences amongst ourselves. no one is the same. nor should we expect them to be. if we were all cookie-cutter with one another, this world would be an awfully boring place. so once we learn to realize these things ... and move on ... and accept things for that which they are ... and the blame for our own actions ... and fault for our own wrongs ... and appreciate one another for who we are ... things will start to be a lot more ... favorable.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
life is a little weird ...
I can hardly remember, the days when I felt free
Never searching, cause it all made sense to me
I will always remember, that point when I found out
All my own plans may never come around
Still we go on, never asking why
I can feel this strange life, leading to a great life
Where everything begins, where everything makes sense
Somebody take this fake life, save me from this plain life
So everything begins, so everything makes sense
And nothing ever ends
life's weird. all of it. you never know what's coming. things are great, and then out of nowhere, this bomb hits you, and you think you'll never come out of it alive. and then ... everything's great again. out of nowhere. and it's scary. because you don't know what to do with it all. it makes you question everything. and wonder why things are great. and where all the good came from. and what to do with it all. especially when you're still kind of broken. you're just apprehensive. about everything. you dont know what to do, or what to say. who to trust. you dont ... really ... know anything. all you know is youre happy again. and you like it. and you dont want it to go away.
Never searching, cause it all made sense to me
I will always remember, that point when I found out
All my own plans may never come around
Still we go on, never asking why
I can feel this strange life, leading to a great life
Where everything begins, where everything makes sense
Somebody take this fake life, save me from this plain life
So everything begins, so everything makes sense
And nothing ever ends
life's weird. all of it. you never know what's coming. things are great, and then out of nowhere, this bomb hits you, and you think you'll never come out of it alive. and then ... everything's great again. out of nowhere. and it's scary. because you don't know what to do with it all. it makes you question everything. and wonder why things are great. and where all the good came from. and what to do with it all. especially when you're still kind of broken. you're just apprehensive. about everything. you dont know what to do, or what to say. who to trust. you dont ... really ... know anything. all you know is youre happy again. and you like it. and you dont want it to go away.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
isn't it ironic ...?
as so many thoughts are incessantly running through my head ... it's like an ever-constant record, being consistently edited ... always overlaying new sounds, adding new tracks ... overdubbing new musical instruments and tones. it's an on-going project. one that will never end. one that always draws your attention elsewhere. one that will never allow me to stop thinking. never allow me to focus on one thing. and then when i get to the last song ... it starts over. goes back to the beginning. never letting me forget the first track.
It's like Alanis said ...
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face
It's a traffic jam when you're already late
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...
It's like ... when someone introduces you to your favorite band. And you start listening to their cd. Over, and over, and over again. Because it's your new favorite. And then ... out of nowhere ... it starts skipping. Because you've listened to it so much. But you don't care, because you still love it. You start skipping over that song, to the next one, so you can keep listening. But then, behind you, your friend starts playing a different cd. Another one, that you start to love too. And now you have another favorite. But instead of having two separate favorite cd's, it's like one big conglomerate ... and you can't separate the two. And most of the time you're focused on one, but other times, your focus drifts. You can't help it, because there's still two tracks being played.
Maybe it just takes time. Maybe the other track will always keep playing. I don't know. How do you ever know?
It's like Alanis said ...
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face
It's a traffic jam when you're already late
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...
It's like ... when someone introduces you to your favorite band. And you start listening to their cd. Over, and over, and over again. Because it's your new favorite. And then ... out of nowhere ... it starts skipping. Because you've listened to it so much. But you don't care, because you still love it. You start skipping over that song, to the next one, so you can keep listening. But then, behind you, your friend starts playing a different cd. Another one, that you start to love too. And now you have another favorite. But instead of having two separate favorite cd's, it's like one big conglomerate ... and you can't separate the two. And most of the time you're focused on one, but other times, your focus drifts. You can't help it, because there's still two tracks being played.
Maybe it just takes time. Maybe the other track will always keep playing. I don't know. How do you ever know?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
it's the truth ...
things people say, but we never really listen to ...
but maybe we should, because honestly ... it's the truth ..
1) "Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flickered somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is ... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with." ~ Gillian Anderson
2) "Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves." ~ Henri Frederic Amiel
3) "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one, which has been opened for us." ~ Helen Keller
4) "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is ore important than fear." ~Ambrose Redmoon
Therefore ... what does all of this mean? move on from the past. don't look back. don't be afraid. take it one day at a time. as it comes. embrace life. appreciate the good things.
but maybe we should, because honestly ... it's the truth ..
1) "Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flickered somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is ... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with." ~ Gillian Anderson
2) "Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves." ~ Henri Frederic Amiel
3) "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one, which has been opened for us." ~ Helen Keller
4) "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is ore important than fear." ~Ambrose Redmoon
Therefore ... what does all of this mean? move on from the past. don't look back. don't be afraid. take it one day at a time. as it comes. embrace life. appreciate the good things.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)