I. Too keep or not to keep ... that is the question
A. I started my facebook when it was just beginning, and you had too have a college email address to join (as they were adding universities, one at a time). The original purpose was two fold - to get a hold of our classmates if we had questions about anything, and didn't have their number, and so that as we graduated,, we would be able to keep in touch with one another, as we all move to various cities, states, and even countries.
When Facebook began to expand its crowd, and allow everyone to join, I was simultaneously excited, whilst also afraid. I new that it meant that I would also be able to keep in touch with my out of town friends and family, as well as work acquaintances, or class mates who had graduated early, or not at all. But, on the negative side, there are always those people that you feel obligated to "friend," ie, coworkers, people from school that you know but you really didn't like, family members that you know never liked you, or the dreaded in-laws (no, that does not imlpy that everyone's in-laws are terrible. it's just a fact of life. they exist. some people hate their inlaws.)
B. Pro's
1) Keeping in touch with old friends
2) Benefits of community - ie, local crafters, lost&found, supporting local businesses in general, first word on wrecks, concerts, etc;
3) Birthday and Anniversary Reminder!
4) it's like a digital diary, that all of your friends can write on and you can look years and years back, and see life events, pictures, and all those embarrassing things you wish you could forget. Not to mention all of the different haircut, style trends, etc. And then now, people are starting to keep FB accounts for their kids when they are born, which I personally think is an AWESOME idea ... they can see who all is in their life, have a digital diary of their ENTIRE life from the day they are born, with pictures, comments from friends, family, and loved ones ... i mean ... how freaking could is that?!?!?!
5) It's an outlet, and a release of your freedom of speech, without having to blast it across the world. If you don't want to read it, keep scrolling.
C. Con's
1) People that are two faced, and pretend to be nice to your face, and then either intentionally not invite you to something that you should be invited to, or worse yet, post a nice comment about me, and then you read something that you either don't like, or you disagree with, so you delete the nice comment you comment that you posted the other day.
2) Filtering through all of the new adds and suggestions to join candy crush, mob mafia, blah, blah ...
3) To go through through all the scammers that send you friend requests, and who know don't know who the hell they are, or the people that hack your account, and then send crazy emails to your friends, etc
4) The drama it causes, with all of the young (or old) petty facebookers out there. They see a post, call a friend and start a game of telephone (which of course, we call know, means that it changes a bit, with every additional phone call). "OMG, Girl! Did you see what Ann just posted! I can't believe it! I'm sure she was talking about me. And how bitchy was that? And you KNOW she was lying!" etc, etc, etc. How about this ... GET a life. If you don't like what i post, don't read it. But let's get real ... i dont like or agree with half of what is out there, but that doesn't mean I have to act like I'm 12 and start a drama fest. Just keep scrolling, and get over it. Nobody is forcing you to read it OR agree with it.
II. i will not delve TOO much into my personal life, bc it is just that - my personal life. I know that all of you except one (those of you that matter, is it) , know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And I'm sure that the one that does not know, WOULD know if he/she would not being so judgmental. So I'm not even going to take the time to tell you here, on a public forum, all that I am doing to rectify a problem that I DID NOT START. THAT I NEVER STARTED. THAT I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT EVER TRY TO FIX. I shouldn't have to defend myself to you. I should not have to tell you that I am the ONLY one dong ANYTHING right now, and the absolute final law has been laid down. and You, of all people, should know that, I would never leave my love to drown. And to the rest of you, that think I'm a freaking idiot for believing that fairy tells come in all shape, sizes, colors, vehicles, and houses, and pets ... screw you all. i'm not Cinderella, or Belle, or the Little Mermaid, or any of the rest of them. i like black and hot pink. on my clothes, AND in my hair. I'm not 5'6", and I don't weigh 120 lbs. I have curves, tattoos, and lots of earrings. I don't want to ride off in a horse and Chariot. Just maybe a really cool Jeep Wrangler or a Tahoe. Or if I miraculously become ridiculously rich in the next 10 years, maybe a hummer or an escalade limo. and I want cupcakes instead of a real cake. I want either one of my friends kids or one my kids (god willing, one day) to be the flower girl and ring barer. I want to wear chuck taylors- the whole wedding party. Every girl has her own idea of a fairy tail, and what a fairy tail princess is , and she sees who she's walking towards at the end of the aisle. As tattooed, as atypical, or as any other "strange" word you may wish to choose.
Cliff's note's version - Yes. I am a moron. He is a moron. We are moronically in love. Dr Seuss has a quote about it. look it up. We lost each other for over 5 years, because he was being a giant moron, and wouldn't let me help him fix his moronic ways. we found our way back together. this time, he is actually listening on the things that matter. and no. that doesn't mean that im a dictator, and i rule his life. it means that i do what i have to do, to ensure i can do as much as possible (which still isn't everything), to make sure he isn't a COMPLETE moron. And yes. we fight. because we're both very stubborn. And we both always want to be right. And neither of us want to be told what to do. And when either of feel like shit, we're in TERRIBLE moods. But if one of feels good, when the other feels bad, we will jump up and over the moon and back, to do any and everything we can to make it better. To the extent last night, that I kept asking him so many thing, "Can I do this? Do you want this?," that he finally told me to just be quiet and leave him alone. But let's be honest ... what relationship is perfect? None. thats which one. And if it is, it's because you don't know that he has been cheating on you behind your back for 10 months. Annnddd ... a far as I'm concerned, I would LOVE for all of our friends and family to be involved in our lives. But only in a supportive manner. We both have a lot of very serious stressors in our lives. if you don't know what they are, you either aren't very observant, or you don't listen very well. So if the support isn't there for one or both of us, don't prepare to see one or much of the other. We are a team. And we support each other(note ... yes, i am speaking for myself only as he is currently asleep, and unavailable to consult, and i don't want to attach his name to anything without his permission, although i am about 99.9% sure he would agree). The main goal of my life, at the moment, is to delete as many unnessesary BS as possible, and aim for as much simplicity as possible. I already have a ton of UNavoidale BS, so let's gert rid of as much as I can.
III. Solutions
A. Delete facebook all together
B. Do a SERIOUS deleting session of about 80% of my friends list
C. Any other brilliant ideas that you all might have. I'm up for suggestions ...
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
When life gives you lemons ...
Hell. I dunno. I have a whole damn lemon forrest in my back yard right now. I could probably open up a market and sell them as fresh produce. At least then, I could make some money off of all of my misfortune!
Anyways ... Let me tell you all the Cliff's notes version of my life since about June.
1) I find out my fiance has been cheating on me. I knew something fishy was going on, so I went through his phone in the middle of the night, one night. As soon as I opened it, there were two new texts. I opened it up to a picture of some other female's ass. After a few weeks, much fighting, and much ado, I find out he has apparently been doing this for almost 10 months. Almost 1/2 of our relationship. All the while telling me to buy my dress, buy the invitations, pay the non refundable deposits for the reception site and ceremony site, coming to tastings with me, having me purchase the groomsmen outfits, having the girls order their dresses, having me spend almost $800 on our bridal party gifts. Etc, etc, etc. you get the point. By the end, I (well, my parents and i) were out a good $20K. Am I glad I found out before the wedding? Of course. Am I still pissed? You can bet your britches. Does he help me pay for anything (including the credit card bill he helped run up, or the car he had me cosign/be the main signee for? Of course not.
2) I get fired. For absolutely no reason at all, whatsoever. For the second time within a year. (which of course, in turn, makes me look like a terrible employee, and therefore, in the following months, makes it damn near impossible to get a job. For two reasons. One, I just got fired twice in a row. For two, I can't seem to work at one job for even a year.) but back to why I got fired. First, I must explain why I got hired. This particular restaurant had only been opened for maybe 4 months when I got there. They had already been through two GM's. They had yet to make a profit. Why, you may ask? They were only serving breakfast and lunch, only open 6 days a week, gave discounts to everyone under the sun, and paid 3 separate managers to work 6 am-3 pm. They brought me on to turn a profit. Plain and simple. I added a breakfast bar (cappuccino and espresso and pastries), I added dinner, and I started doing private events. I also cleaned up our downstairs area, hung tv's, and did a lot of marketing with the local hotels, and downtown businesses. Anyways, after about 6 months (as I was promised that if I completed all of these things, and if we started making money), I was terminated. The only explanation that I got was that the owner wanted to "go in a different direction." they gave me a months severance pay, and sent me on my way. I had never received any verbal or written warnings or write-ups. Just, ok, thanks for doing all the hard stuff. Now we are done with you.
3) not a week or so after that, my bridesmaids and I decided to continue our plans and go on my bachelorette trip, even though I wasn't getting married. We called it the "cheaper than a divorce" party. The very first thing i do, is give every girl their present for being in the wedding that they were now not going to be in - a personalized (by them, and therefore every pair was different) pair of Chuck Taylor tennis shoes. Each pair cost between $70-80 apiece, plus tax. But I still wanted them to have them. After getting off to a rough start, and me having to personally drive, and on top of that, drive my own 2004 car (for excuses such as "only my dad can take out my child's car seat" in a brand new accord, or " we won't be comfortable in my car bc it's too small" in a two door, almost new car, we left. In the oldest car of the 4. While noone else offered to help drive. The weekend went relatively well. Obviously, when you put 4 females alone together for 48 hours, something is bound to happen. But like I said ... It was mostly good. I wanted everyone to be happy, and get to do what they wanted to do, and they did, except for one thing. The only thing I put my foot down on ( and I wouldn't even say it like that, bc that's not how it happened), was that I didn't want to go to the City Museum. Yes, of museums, this is the least "museum-like," but it was still a bachelorette party, and the goal was to get out of Memphis, spend time together and have fun. I felt like we had gotten to do this, and I didn't want to do to a museum an hour before they closed, and pay $15 to get in. We had some issues with the hotel (which I solved, and even ended up getting the hotel room for free). But even after I had paid my own way through the whole weekend (which, let's admit ... Code and etiquette says I was not supposed to do, however I did not have a problem doing, and gotten the hotel room for free, I had people that were bitching about pitching in to pay for gas money. Really?!?!?! WTF?!?!? Then, as we are driving home, one of the girls attempts to confiscate my phone from me (because I am driving and looking at pictures, and it was so unsafe). Not offer to drive. Just steal my phone, like I am a 3 y/o. Then, when we got home, some actions occurred by the two girls I've known the longest ... Since the 6th grade. So, about 15 Years. I was told how selfish I was, how all we did was what I wanted to do, etc, etc. and then they promptly left. And I haven't talked to either of them since that day in mid June.
4) After my fiance and I had broken up, i had a friend and her son move in with me. I had worked with her for a while, and thought I knew her relatively well, and she didn't have anywhere else to go. So I thought I was doing what was right. But as a roommate, she never cleaned. She hardly ever did the dishes. She YELLED at her son to go to sleep, at ALL hours of the night. And she thought that because she had an EBT card, and helped buy groceries, (emphasis on the world helped, because it was still 95% her and her sons), that all she had to buy was food. For the longest, she didn't even buy her own toilet paper. And I'm about 99% sure that the entire time she lived here, the only thing she ever bought was laundry detergent (and that was about 1/2 way through). She NEVER bought drier sheets, paper towels, dishwasher soap, trash bags, or anything like that. ..... we will revisit her later.
5) my Mom and I go on my "Mommy-moon." that just kinda was what it was. Towards the end of it, out of nowhere, my OTHER fiance from like 6 or 7 years ago, that I havent said a single word to, in over 5 years, finds me on facebook, and randomly sends me a message, asking me how I am. We proceed to catch up, he tells me he has gone to rehab, has had a son, is in school ... all sorts of things. It seems as though he has finally gotten his shit together. When I get home, we get together and hang out (as friends). We realize that we still care about each other, and the reasons that I was forced to break up with him, he has seemingly fixed, so we try to give this whole thing another shot. Things started off almost perfectly, between us. And, I fell in love with his son the exact moment that I met him. However, the roomate preferred the all female style house. That's when trouble started brewing. My medicine started disappearing. My money started disappearing. Roomate started being a super bitch. Obviously roommate started causing a rift b/w boyfriend and myself, not to mention that he wasn't quite as "remade" as he made himself out to be. After the second time my medicine was gone, I had to file a police report, or my dr (a pain management OBGYN) wouldn't see me anymore. As soon as I called the police, and they showed up, she flipped her lid, and pretty much kicked herself out of the house. Then, she started sending me threatening text messages, such as "dumb bitch, you better watch your back," and things of that nature. Therefore, I was forced to get a restraining order against her. As for the boyfriend, even after she left, money and pills still ended up missing. His only excuses were that I "must have spent it somewhere and I dont remember" and that "I either hid it from myself, or I took 22 pills, and just don't remember." Now, I don't know if he thinks I'm a complete moron, or what, exactly makes him think I'm going to believe some bologna like that, but out the door, he went to. While his excuse to his family was, "She just thinks she's too good for everybody. No one is good enough for her."
6) Admist all of this, my father (who was worried about me dating him again, due to what happened the last time we were together) pretty much gave me the ultimatum of, I either choose him and the rest of my family, or I choose someone who could potentially BE my family, when the rest of my family is dead. Insert decision of a lifetime.
7) And, then there are the reasons why I will randomly tell you that I am having a bad day, or I don't feel good. For those of you that don't know much about me, or much about these words that I'm about to use, here goes:
a) I have endometriosis. I have had it as long as I can remember. The dr's have been wanting me to have a hysterectomy since I was about 23. I've had surgery twice, and gone through fake menopause twice. I'm hoping to have surgery again before the end of the year. And I've decided to try to have a child on my own in 2014. If it doesn't happen by then, I'll go on and take it out, and go the adoption route. But, here's info on endo:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/endometriosis/DS00289
b) I have lupus. Incredibly bad joint pain and stiffness, headaches, memory loss. If I do too much, too fast, without any break, anywhere in the middle, or I forget to take my medicine, I am worthless. I might as well find somewhere, anywhere to just go on and lay down, because I'm going to go to sleep. In bed, in the office, on the floor wherever I am ... it doesn't matter.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/lupus/DS00115
c) severe migraines. We're talking about the kind of migraines where you can hear every sound. Like the leaves rustling in the backyard. And the cars driving down the road. And the dog breathing. And your watch ticking. But you hear them all at once. And any slight bit of light, makes your head hurt even more. Put the two together, and you are running to the bathroom to throw up. That's why my bedroom is painted DARK purple, and the only two windows have wooden slat blinds that STAY closed, AND curtains over the blinds. It's like a cave.
d) Irritable Bowel Syndrome - caused by stress and all the meds
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/irritable-bowel-syndrome/DS00106
e) panic attacks, OCD, arthritis ... you know ... only about 1/2 of the medical dictionary.
So ... that's me. that's my life. that's why i bitch and moan sometimes. errr ...a lot.
Anyways ... Let me tell you all the Cliff's notes version of my life since about June.
1) I find out my fiance has been cheating on me. I knew something fishy was going on, so I went through his phone in the middle of the night, one night. As soon as I opened it, there were two new texts. I opened it up to a picture of some other female's ass. After a few weeks, much fighting, and much ado, I find out he has apparently been doing this for almost 10 months. Almost 1/2 of our relationship. All the while telling me to buy my dress, buy the invitations, pay the non refundable deposits for the reception site and ceremony site, coming to tastings with me, having me purchase the groomsmen outfits, having the girls order their dresses, having me spend almost $800 on our bridal party gifts. Etc, etc, etc. you get the point. By the end, I (well, my parents and i) were out a good $20K. Am I glad I found out before the wedding? Of course. Am I still pissed? You can bet your britches. Does he help me pay for anything (including the credit card bill he helped run up, or the car he had me cosign/be the main signee for? Of course not.
2) I get fired. For absolutely no reason at all, whatsoever. For the second time within a year. (which of course, in turn, makes me look like a terrible employee, and therefore, in the following months, makes it damn near impossible to get a job. For two reasons. One, I just got fired twice in a row. For two, I can't seem to work at one job for even a year.) but back to why I got fired. First, I must explain why I got hired. This particular restaurant had only been opened for maybe 4 months when I got there. They had already been through two GM's. They had yet to make a profit. Why, you may ask? They were only serving breakfast and lunch, only open 6 days a week, gave discounts to everyone under the sun, and paid 3 separate managers to work 6 am-3 pm. They brought me on to turn a profit. Plain and simple. I added a breakfast bar (cappuccino and espresso and pastries), I added dinner, and I started doing private events. I also cleaned up our downstairs area, hung tv's, and did a lot of marketing with the local hotels, and downtown businesses. Anyways, after about 6 months (as I was promised that if I completed all of these things, and if we started making money), I was terminated. The only explanation that I got was that the owner wanted to "go in a different direction." they gave me a months severance pay, and sent me on my way. I had never received any verbal or written warnings or write-ups. Just, ok, thanks for doing all the hard stuff. Now we are done with you.
3) not a week or so after that, my bridesmaids and I decided to continue our plans and go on my bachelorette trip, even though I wasn't getting married. We called it the "cheaper than a divorce" party. The very first thing i do, is give every girl their present for being in the wedding that they were now not going to be in - a personalized (by them, and therefore every pair was different) pair of Chuck Taylor tennis shoes. Each pair cost between $70-80 apiece, plus tax. But I still wanted them to have them. After getting off to a rough start, and me having to personally drive, and on top of that, drive my own 2004 car (for excuses such as "only my dad can take out my child's car seat" in a brand new accord, or " we won't be comfortable in my car bc it's too small" in a two door, almost new car, we left. In the oldest car of the 4. While noone else offered to help drive. The weekend went relatively well. Obviously, when you put 4 females alone together for 48 hours, something is bound to happen. But like I said ... It was mostly good. I wanted everyone to be happy, and get to do what they wanted to do, and they did, except for one thing. The only thing I put my foot down on ( and I wouldn't even say it like that, bc that's not how it happened), was that I didn't want to go to the City Museum. Yes, of museums, this is the least "museum-like," but it was still a bachelorette party, and the goal was to get out of Memphis, spend time together and have fun. I felt like we had gotten to do this, and I didn't want to do to a museum an hour before they closed, and pay $15 to get in. We had some issues with the hotel (which I solved, and even ended up getting the hotel room for free). But even after I had paid my own way through the whole weekend (which, let's admit ... Code and etiquette says I was not supposed to do, however I did not have a problem doing, and gotten the hotel room for free, I had people that were bitching about pitching in to pay for gas money. Really?!?!?! WTF?!?!? Then, as we are driving home, one of the girls attempts to confiscate my phone from me (because I am driving and looking at pictures, and it was so unsafe). Not offer to drive. Just steal my phone, like I am a 3 y/o. Then, when we got home, some actions occurred by the two girls I've known the longest ... Since the 6th grade. So, about 15 Years. I was told how selfish I was, how all we did was what I wanted to do, etc, etc. and then they promptly left. And I haven't talked to either of them since that day in mid June.
4) After my fiance and I had broken up, i had a friend and her son move in with me. I had worked with her for a while, and thought I knew her relatively well, and she didn't have anywhere else to go. So I thought I was doing what was right. But as a roommate, she never cleaned. She hardly ever did the dishes. She YELLED at her son to go to sleep, at ALL hours of the night. And she thought that because she had an EBT card, and helped buy groceries, (emphasis on the world helped, because it was still 95% her and her sons), that all she had to buy was food. For the longest, she didn't even buy her own toilet paper. And I'm about 99% sure that the entire time she lived here, the only thing she ever bought was laundry detergent (and that was about 1/2 way through). She NEVER bought drier sheets, paper towels, dishwasher soap, trash bags, or anything like that. ..... we will revisit her later.
5) my Mom and I go on my "Mommy-moon." that just kinda was what it was. Towards the end of it, out of nowhere, my OTHER fiance from like 6 or 7 years ago, that I havent said a single word to, in over 5 years, finds me on facebook, and randomly sends me a message, asking me how I am. We proceed to catch up, he tells me he has gone to rehab, has had a son, is in school ... all sorts of things. It seems as though he has finally gotten his shit together. When I get home, we get together and hang out (as friends). We realize that we still care about each other, and the reasons that I was forced to break up with him, he has seemingly fixed, so we try to give this whole thing another shot. Things started off almost perfectly, between us. And, I fell in love with his son the exact moment that I met him. However, the roomate preferred the all female style house. That's when trouble started brewing. My medicine started disappearing. My money started disappearing. Roomate started being a super bitch. Obviously roommate started causing a rift b/w boyfriend and myself, not to mention that he wasn't quite as "remade" as he made himself out to be. After the second time my medicine was gone, I had to file a police report, or my dr (a pain management OBGYN) wouldn't see me anymore. As soon as I called the police, and they showed up, she flipped her lid, and pretty much kicked herself out of the house. Then, she started sending me threatening text messages, such as "dumb bitch, you better watch your back," and things of that nature. Therefore, I was forced to get a restraining order against her. As for the boyfriend, even after she left, money and pills still ended up missing. His only excuses were that I "must have spent it somewhere and I dont remember" and that "I either hid it from myself, or I took 22 pills, and just don't remember." Now, I don't know if he thinks I'm a complete moron, or what, exactly makes him think I'm going to believe some bologna like that, but out the door, he went to. While his excuse to his family was, "She just thinks she's too good for everybody. No one is good enough for her."
6) Admist all of this, my father (who was worried about me dating him again, due to what happened the last time we were together) pretty much gave me the ultimatum of, I either choose him and the rest of my family, or I choose someone who could potentially BE my family, when the rest of my family is dead. Insert decision of a lifetime.
7) And, then there are the reasons why I will randomly tell you that I am having a bad day, or I don't feel good. For those of you that don't know much about me, or much about these words that I'm about to use, here goes:
a) I have endometriosis. I have had it as long as I can remember. The dr's have been wanting me to have a hysterectomy since I was about 23. I've had surgery twice, and gone through fake menopause twice. I'm hoping to have surgery again before the end of the year. And I've decided to try to have a child on my own in 2014. If it doesn't happen by then, I'll go on and take it out, and go the adoption route. But, here's info on endo:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/endometriosis/DS00289
b) I have lupus. Incredibly bad joint pain and stiffness, headaches, memory loss. If I do too much, too fast, without any break, anywhere in the middle, or I forget to take my medicine, I am worthless. I might as well find somewhere, anywhere to just go on and lay down, because I'm going to go to sleep. In bed, in the office, on the floor wherever I am ... it doesn't matter.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/lupus/DS00115
c) severe migraines. We're talking about the kind of migraines where you can hear every sound. Like the leaves rustling in the backyard. And the cars driving down the road. And the dog breathing. And your watch ticking. But you hear them all at once. And any slight bit of light, makes your head hurt even more. Put the two together, and you are running to the bathroom to throw up. That's why my bedroom is painted DARK purple, and the only two windows have wooden slat blinds that STAY closed, AND curtains over the blinds. It's like a cave.
d) Irritable Bowel Syndrome - caused by stress and all the meds
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/irritable-bowel-syndrome/DS00106
e) panic attacks, OCD, arthritis ... you know ... only about 1/2 of the medical dictionary.
So ... that's me. that's my life. that's why i bitch and moan sometimes. errr ...a lot.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
The Tears behind the Shadow of a Smiling Girl
Behind my smile is a broken heart
Behind my laugh, the truth is ... I'm falling apart.
Behind my smile, there are tears every night.
Behind my smile, I am always having an internal fight ... just to stay alive.
Now let me summarize the past several years for you, so you won't be extremely lost while I'm telling this whole story, and then we will go back to (at the least the beginning of where this little tale started, and I'll fill in the blanks, where things seem kind of fuzzy.)
[MORE THAN A BLEEP, BUT NOT A MOUNTAIN ... #1 ON THE RADAR] ... My senior year in high school, and throughout my sophmore year in college, my life was a roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs, but I learned a lot about myself. A lot about trust. And a lot about what TO do and what NOT to do in a relationship. It was my first "true love." I had the whole rest of our lives planned out. We were supposed to go to college in the same city, get married, have a happy little family ... You know ... The whole nine yards. This breakup killed me, for a long time.
In retrospect, I thought it was probably one of the best things that I ever did (both being IN the relationship, as well as dealing with all of the breakups and the getting back togethers), although at the time, my heart was so broken, that I thought my world was just simply ending (I found him cheating. More than once). I thought I would never move on. Amazingly, I did. And in the process, I learned a lot; A lot about who I was, what I deserved, how strong I was; and what I was and what I wasn't willing to put up with. I also learned what were really the most important aspects (at least, to me), in a relationship. [UPDATE: IT TOOK US A WHILE, BUT WE ARE NOW FRIENDS AGAIN. WE STILL KEEP IN TOUCH, ALTHOUGH IT'S ONLY MAYBE ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS OR ONCE A YEAR]
I dated several guys here and there for the next few years. Even had a few "boyfriends" but none that were really "the one." Then finally, when I moved to STL, for grad school, for some strange reason, between moving there in July of 2006 and Xmas of 06, this guy from home and I fell "head over heels" for each other. And fast. And by fast ... I'm talking, like lightening speed. We worked together for a few months before I left, and were always friends. Our first "date," so to speak, was after work one day. My best friend, he, and I all went to Bahama Breeze for some drinks and apps after we got off work, and then we went to go see a movie. But this was the type of hanging out that we did before I left. Want to know a juicy secret? Once it was time for me to leave town, I went to go to his house, to go visit quickly (he just lived a few minutes away) and say goodbye. I didn't realize how close we had gotten, so quickly, but I just cried. and cried. and cried. I just couldn't leave him. And truth be told ... Mr Macho Man cried when I left too.
During one of my visits home, we started talking to each other more. We would hang out when I went home, and when I went back to school, we would talk every day. He told me he loved me after like 3 weeks. And the weird thing was ... I loved him too. We connected on this weird level, that no one else really understood. We were so completely different from each other, and no one understood it, but it made perfect sense to us. He was this total rebel, that was so angry with the world. All he wanted to do was get drunk and smoke pot, and be the typical "hot topic" angry person. He dropped out of high school and got his GED. And here I was. I didn't do drugs. Sure, I drank, but within moderation. So of course, I would be the one scraping him up off of the floor, keeping him from getting into fights, and then driving us home. I was in grad school for my PhD. I wanted kids. He hated kids. We were complete opposites. But it worked. When I packed up to go back to STL in Jan (after that Xmas 06), packing him up, was part of the list of duties and things to fit in my tiny mustang. We just fit together, he and I. it was just ... right.
[ENGAGEMENT #1; BOUGHT RING, ALTHOUGH WE NEVER ACTUALLY PLANNED ANYTHING]We got engaged about two months after he had been there. I truly just thought everything was perfect, and it was everyone else that didnt understand. We were together the rest of my time in STL, with plenty of ups and downs, his personal battles with drug and alcohol addictions, and with staying faithful when he just wasn't in his right mind. But i knew it wasnt him making The choices. It was the drugs. I'll never forget the night that i woke up to the door to the loft slamming shut, and i found him butt ass naked, peeing In the hallway. Or the night he just rolled Over In bed, and ever so nonchalantly said, "im addicted to heroin." or how many people told me that he cheated on me, but to this day, he still denies it. I really feel in my heart, that it wasnt him. It was the drugs. He probably doesnt even know what he had done! But how could i not know all of this as it was happening? Was i blind to it? Was i in denial? Did i love him So much that i just didnt want To see it? Or did i just WANT to be loved so badly, that i refused to believe It? We moved home a few years later. We tried moving in a new house together, but once he was back home, and with all of his friends, and there were even more ways to get what he wanted, his downward spiral got even worse. Then we tried living separately, but still being together. We tried to work through it a few different ways ... Living together, living separately ... We just couldn't make it work. We were on two different paths of our lives at that time. But we would be forever linked by our ink and our love (one year while we were in STL, our Valentine's gifts to one another were matching tattoos. No ... nothing cheesy, or super "Ooooohhhhhh, y'all are gonne have bad luck for forever!" We got anatomical hearts, with a dagger going through it, with a banner that read "til death" ... just like our love. .[HOLD ON A MINUTE FOR FOLLOW-UP ON CURRENT STATUS]
There was another blip on the radar there, for another 6 months or so, and ended up being a good friendS for several years, but we no longer speak either.
[MAJOR RELATIONSHIP #2 - TALKED ABOUT MARRIAGE, BUT THERE WAS NO RING, ETC]And then one of the true loves of my life. Probably the most seemingly perfect relationship I've ever been in. We never fought. The only one fight that i ever remember, was that i got really drunk one night, and i attempted to drive home, but i got lost. He was so mad at me. But only for being so stupid. I was drunk, and alone, and in a terrible part of town. And he was at work, so he couldnt leave and come save me. I'll always remember, "One day, I'm going to wait until we're both off, and both sober, and I'm going to take you to where you were at that night, so you will know why i was so worried." It pains my heart to have hurt/scared him (or anyone, for that matter, so deeply, but mostly it just touches my heart to know that someone cared that much about me to be that worried.
The only problem we ever really had was his "Baby Mama Drama," if you will. She was the one that left him, but apparently she expected him to come crawling back. And when he told her that he was in another relationship, it infuriated her so much, that it became her life's goal to do anything and everything at all possible, in order to destroy it. But worse than that, she wanted (and succeeded) at making it as hard on him to see the kids as she could. And trust me when I say, she made it damn near impossible. First, it was a fake pregnancy to try to get him back. When that didn't work, she said that if he wouldnt let her and the the kids move back in, then she would take them and move several states away. When he didn't let them move in, she picked them up and moved. At this point, we would go down there once a month for a long weekend to visit the kids. THEN, she decided to make even THAT more difficult, by getting the courts involved, and saying that i had to sleep overnight at another residence, and then return again in the morning.
He had been married once - decades before. And always said that he would never get married again. And he and the mother of his children had never gotten married. But after we had been together for about four months, we were sitting in his car, in the driveway, talking. He knew how important it was to me, to have the big happy Cinderella fairytale wedding and marriage and happy ending. And as awkward and strange as this sounds ... It was perfect, coming from him, as he was just not a "truly romantic person." the short version was, he told me how much he loved me. And that I had showed him how he could TRULY love again. Sinply ... be ALIVE. That I made something come alive, that had been dead for a very long time. And that if getting married meant that much to me, then we could get married one day. And that was probably the single most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me, to this day. Well, after many more perfect months for us, and much unnecessary BS from baby momma, fast forward to months later
I will never truly know the real reason that we broke up, as there were never, to my knowledge, any problems with our relationship. It was probably the most stereotypical perfect relationship that i will ever have. All I really know, is that the Xmas of 2010, he went out of town to see the kids, and I couldn't go that trip, due to work. And when he came home, we were broken up. He was going to pick up, and move to FL (Where she has take the kids to, anddo his best to see the kids as much as humanly possible). This was only reason I had for our breakup; at least that way, he could see his kids every day. See all blogs on here, starting from the earliest, through 2-10-11, and then 5-19-11[WE STILL TALK VERY RARELY. BUT IT'S HARD. ON BOTH OF US. SO WE DON'T DO IT OFTEN. WE MOSTLY GO THROUGH MUTUAL FRIENDS AND FAMILY JUST TO CHECK ON EACH OTHER, AND MAKE SURE EACH OTHER ARE OK. MAYBE IT WILL BE EASIER ONE DAY. BUT PROBABLY NOT, AS LONG AS BABY MOMMA IS AROUND. SHE IS STILL CONVINCED THAT I WAS JUST A "MISTRESS." THAT'S ACTUALLY HOW SHE REFERS TO ME, LOL. THAT THE ENTIRE YEAR THAT HE AND I WERE TOGETHER, AND SHE AND THE KIDS WERE LIVING IN ANOTHER STATE, THAT THEY WERE ACTUALLY STILL TOGETHER. DELUSIONAL, MUCH?????]
Then came another worthless two month stalker blurb. When we first started talking, everything was great. it was this perfect little honeymoon stage, where i hung the moon, and he would do anything for me. after tao few weeks, he started staying here every day. he didn't have a car, but i had been in that situation before with people, so i didn't mind driving him around, or sharing the car. we were together pretty much together 24/7. (For the good part of the relationship, although he worked with people from the most recent boyfriend listed just above, see blog 4-18-11). then, randomly one day, which happened to be either our 2 or 3 month anniversary (i don't really remember), he decided that he wanted to hang out with his friends. which normally, I would have zero problem with, but I had already made some plans for us, because it was a kind of special day. anyway, he ended up choosing his friends that night, and pretty much never came back for at least a few months, rather than a few random days here and there. Once I told him that I never wanted to see him again, then the stalker part started, and lasted at least another year, maybe a year and a half ... He was just plain crazy. He's the main reason I eventually had to change my phone number. the one that I had had for like 13 years. It really really sucked. And it pissed me off. But it pissed me off in such a way, that I simply couldn't deal with him anymore.
[ENGAGEMENT #3 ... MADE IT 6 WEEKS UP UNTIL "I DO"] And then the most recent. The one that I broke up with, 6 weeks before we were to stand before the altar and say our "I Do's." (We met, afrer I had left TGI Friday's, after being there for over 5 years. I went to Cracker Barrel for 6 months, and it was absolutely terrible! I ended up going back to TGIF after 6 months. Almost immediately upon my return to TGIF, I went downstairs to look at the keg room, to ensure that by beer pars were right. It was terrible!!! So, then I called the supervisors over at Budweiser, explained the situation, and asked them to send me my driver. When he finally got there, as nicely as I could, I cussed him out. Over the course of the next 3 months, we would just talk about random things, as we got to know one another better, as he would drop off the weekly delivery. Eventually, after 3 months, he asked me out. It was a Wednesday. We were supposed to go out on Sunday. We ended up hanging out that night. The night my best friend had my neice. He let me come over and eat and run, while she was havin her c-section. After that, we ended up hanging out that night, and pretty much every other night after that(see blog 9-29-11).
Fast forward about a year. Include NBA basketball games, NFL games, family vacations, traveling to see his parents, vacations with just us, typical couple's fights and ups and downs, birthdays, Christmas's, etc. We had been talking about starting out family, having kids, getting married, etc. Finally, even after already talking about these things, we got up one Saturday morning (the day before Mother's day 2012, and he says, "Let's go pick out your ring today baby. I want you to be able to get what ever you want). Now fast forward over another year. 6 weeks before our wedding. Now, at this point I know him, and I know him rather well (at least, I think I do ...), I find a few things interesting. 1) In the beginning of our relationship, every night, his phone was always plugged into the charger on his side of th bed. 2) I had begun to notice that I would never see or hear his phone, unless he was actually ON IT. So, the Nancy Drew in me starts to take over. I can never sleep at night anyways, so I'm up half the night anyway. Sooo ... for several days in a row, I literally HUNT for his phone. I finally find it ... and I find a text message on his phone, which lets me know he is cheating on me. After more looking into, I discover that it has been going on for approx 10 months. Throughout the whole course of planning the wedding, reserving plaves, and paying non-refundable deposits, mailing invitations, etc. Long story short ... because even though I know I ended up where I need to be, I just don't feel up to discussing any of this any further.
[CURRENT STATUS; SECOND CHANCES. AKA ... ENGAGEMENT #1] So, we haven't talked at all since we broke up, somewhere in 2008-2009. And then ... out of NOWEHERE ... of all times and places ... he sends me a facebook message and friend request, while I'm on my "would-be" honeymoon (July 20-28, 2013), renamed the "mommy-moon," because I took mom instead. (I had already paid the non-refundable deposits, and I REALLY needed to get out of this city!!!) He starts off just asking how things are doing, how am I, etc. 5++ years later. Apparently, he has been through rehab, has been completely clean for almost a year, now has a 10 month old son, and has been thinking about me every day, pretty much for the past 10 years. We exchanged our new numbers, because in 5 years, ours had both changed. I know for a fact, that before Zak and I had offically starting planning the wedding, I had tried calling him. Just to talk about planning the wedding, and making sure that I was doing the right thing. Jeremy probaby knew me better than anyone else. But he had already changed his number by then. He then tells me, that he had tried calling me before he had gone to rehab, but that my number had aready been changed, too. But this would only be the beginning of the list of eery signs of "meant to be."
We end up talking/texting the rest of the time I'm out of town. I get back in town, and we start hanging out. At this point, I find out that he is living with hi sister - who literally lives one block away from me. He can walk to my house in litterally 5 minutes. Now, we talk and/are together, literally every day. The weird thing is ... it's like we picked up, right where we left off. Except, without all of the bad stuff, of course. He has done a lot of growing up, and tackling of demons. He is back in school. He has a son, which at the moment, his mom watches over during the week, and we have him on Sat and Sun. Insert eery moment, yet again. I feel like this is God's moment of telling me to not freak out about the endometriosis, and whether or not I have to have surgery, and just get everything taken out. Van is the most perfect child in the whole world, and I would be perfectly happy, if he is the only "child" that I ever get to have. And I feel blessed that God has placed him in my life, along with this person that I DO love so much. The second or third night after we had begun hanging out, we both kind of blurted out the "I love you's," without even thinking about it. And we both meant it. Because ... again ... it was just like we traveled back in time 5 years. And even then ... we both fall in love fast. But this time, it wasn't even new. We were just falling BACK IN love. Or maybe just reigniting the fire that was always there. And right now, It's just like I have my old J back. The perfect way was he was, before the demons took him over.
And when he was sober, he was always the sweetest person in the entire world to me. And I know that he adores the ground that I walk on. But that's not all it's about. The thing is ... it works both ways. Because he knows that without a doubt, I will do everything within my power to help him with his demons, with his son, and to help him accomplish every dream he ever wanted in life. He could make some random/off-the-cuff comment about wanting something (anything - a watch, a jersey, it doesn't matter), and miraculously ... just a few days later, it would just show up at the house. But the point of all of this is ... when you are blessed with second chances like this, you grab them by the horns and you fight that bull with every ounce of strength that you've got. And then, with even some more strength that you didn't even know you had. It's like that superhuman strength that mom's have when they lift entire busses off of their chilren. That's me right now. Because I'm not going to lose my first love again. Not when this second chance was literally THROWN in my lap, at the perfect time. Right now, we're just kind of taking things as they come. And it's all in a really messed up, non-typical dating order or fashion. But that's always been how we did things. we never did them the normal way. and that's one of the things I always loved about us. They would be playing a Mozart waltz on the dance floor, and we would bust out with the "Dougie." Not that either of us dances ... but you get the point ...
Stay tuned ...
Maybe I'll have some new lessons for study, next week. That concludes this week's lesson, class.
Behind my laugh, the truth is ... I'm falling apart.
Behind my smile, there are tears every night.
Behind my smile, I am always having an internal fight ... just to stay alive.
Now let me summarize the past several years for you, so you won't be extremely lost while I'm telling this whole story, and then we will go back to (at the least the beginning of where this little tale started, and I'll fill in the blanks, where things seem kind of fuzzy.)
[MORE THAN A BLEEP, BUT NOT A MOUNTAIN ... #1 ON THE RADAR] ... My senior year in high school, and throughout my sophmore year in college, my life was a roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs, but I learned a lot about myself. A lot about trust. And a lot about what TO do and what NOT to do in a relationship. It was my first "true love." I had the whole rest of our lives planned out. We were supposed to go to college in the same city, get married, have a happy little family ... You know ... The whole nine yards. This breakup killed me, for a long time.
In retrospect, I thought it was probably one of the best things that I ever did (both being IN the relationship, as well as dealing with all of the breakups and the getting back togethers), although at the time, my heart was so broken, that I thought my world was just simply ending (I found him cheating. More than once). I thought I would never move on. Amazingly, I did. And in the process, I learned a lot; A lot about who I was, what I deserved, how strong I was; and what I was and what I wasn't willing to put up with. I also learned what were really the most important aspects (at least, to me), in a relationship. [UPDATE: IT TOOK US A WHILE, BUT WE ARE NOW FRIENDS AGAIN. WE STILL KEEP IN TOUCH, ALTHOUGH IT'S ONLY MAYBE ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS OR ONCE A YEAR]
I dated several guys here and there for the next few years. Even had a few "boyfriends" but none that were really "the one." Then finally, when I moved to STL, for grad school, for some strange reason, between moving there in July of 2006 and Xmas of 06, this guy from home and I fell "head over heels" for each other. And fast. And by fast ... I'm talking, like lightening speed. We worked together for a few months before I left, and were always friends. Our first "date," so to speak, was after work one day. My best friend, he, and I all went to Bahama Breeze for some drinks and apps after we got off work, and then we went to go see a movie. But this was the type of hanging out that we did before I left. Want to know a juicy secret? Once it was time for me to leave town, I went to go to his house, to go visit quickly (he just lived a few minutes away) and say goodbye. I didn't realize how close we had gotten, so quickly, but I just cried. and cried. and cried. I just couldn't leave him. And truth be told ... Mr Macho Man cried when I left too.
During one of my visits home, we started talking to each other more. We would hang out when I went home, and when I went back to school, we would talk every day. He told me he loved me after like 3 weeks. And the weird thing was ... I loved him too. We connected on this weird level, that no one else really understood. We were so completely different from each other, and no one understood it, but it made perfect sense to us. He was this total rebel, that was so angry with the world. All he wanted to do was get drunk and smoke pot, and be the typical "hot topic" angry person. He dropped out of high school and got his GED. And here I was. I didn't do drugs. Sure, I drank, but within moderation. So of course, I would be the one scraping him up off of the floor, keeping him from getting into fights, and then driving us home. I was in grad school for my PhD. I wanted kids. He hated kids. We were complete opposites. But it worked. When I packed up to go back to STL in Jan (after that Xmas 06), packing him up, was part of the list of duties and things to fit in my tiny mustang. We just fit together, he and I. it was just ... right.
[ENGAGEMENT #1; BOUGHT RING, ALTHOUGH WE NEVER ACTUALLY PLANNED ANYTHING]We got engaged about two months after he had been there. I truly just thought everything was perfect, and it was everyone else that didnt understand. We were together the rest of my time in STL, with plenty of ups and downs, his personal battles with drug and alcohol addictions, and with staying faithful when he just wasn't in his right mind. But i knew it wasnt him making The choices. It was the drugs. I'll never forget the night that i woke up to the door to the loft slamming shut, and i found him butt ass naked, peeing In the hallway. Or the night he just rolled Over In bed, and ever so nonchalantly said, "im addicted to heroin." or how many people told me that he cheated on me, but to this day, he still denies it. I really feel in my heart, that it wasnt him. It was the drugs. He probably doesnt even know what he had done! But how could i not know all of this as it was happening? Was i blind to it? Was i in denial? Did i love him So much that i just didnt want To see it? Or did i just WANT to be loved so badly, that i refused to believe It? We moved home a few years later. We tried moving in a new house together, but once he was back home, and with all of his friends, and there were even more ways to get what he wanted, his downward spiral got even worse. Then we tried living separately, but still being together. We tried to work through it a few different ways ... Living together, living separately ... We just couldn't make it work. We were on two different paths of our lives at that time. But we would be forever linked by our ink and our love (one year while we were in STL, our Valentine's gifts to one another were matching tattoos. No ... nothing cheesy, or super "Ooooohhhhhh, y'all are gonne have bad luck for forever!" We got anatomical hearts, with a dagger going through it, with a banner that read "til death" ... just like our love. .[HOLD ON A MINUTE FOR FOLLOW-UP ON CURRENT STATUS]
There was another blip on the radar there, for another 6 months or so, and ended up being a good friendS for several years, but we no longer speak either.
[MAJOR RELATIONSHIP #2 - TALKED ABOUT MARRIAGE, BUT THERE WAS NO RING, ETC]And then one of the true loves of my life. Probably the most seemingly perfect relationship I've ever been in. We never fought. The only one fight that i ever remember, was that i got really drunk one night, and i attempted to drive home, but i got lost. He was so mad at me. But only for being so stupid. I was drunk, and alone, and in a terrible part of town. And he was at work, so he couldnt leave and come save me. I'll always remember, "One day, I'm going to wait until we're both off, and both sober, and I'm going to take you to where you were at that night, so you will know why i was so worried." It pains my heart to have hurt/scared him (or anyone, for that matter, so deeply, but mostly it just touches my heart to know that someone cared that much about me to be that worried.
The only problem we ever really had was his "Baby Mama Drama," if you will. She was the one that left him, but apparently she expected him to come crawling back. And when he told her that he was in another relationship, it infuriated her so much, that it became her life's goal to do anything and everything at all possible, in order to destroy it. But worse than that, she wanted (and succeeded) at making it as hard on him to see the kids as she could. And trust me when I say, she made it damn near impossible. First, it was a fake pregnancy to try to get him back. When that didn't work, she said that if he wouldnt let her and the the kids move back in, then she would take them and move several states away. When he didn't let them move in, she picked them up and moved. At this point, we would go down there once a month for a long weekend to visit the kids. THEN, she decided to make even THAT more difficult, by getting the courts involved, and saying that i had to sleep overnight at another residence, and then return again in the morning.
He had been married once - decades before. And always said that he would never get married again. And he and the mother of his children had never gotten married. But after we had been together for about four months, we were sitting in his car, in the driveway, talking. He knew how important it was to me, to have the big happy Cinderella fairytale wedding and marriage and happy ending. And as awkward and strange as this sounds ... It was perfect, coming from him, as he was just not a "truly romantic person." the short version was, he told me how much he loved me. And that I had showed him how he could TRULY love again. Sinply ... be ALIVE. That I made something come alive, that had been dead for a very long time. And that if getting married meant that much to me, then we could get married one day. And that was probably the single most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me, to this day. Well, after many more perfect months for us, and much unnecessary BS from baby momma, fast forward to months later
I will never truly know the real reason that we broke up, as there were never, to my knowledge, any problems with our relationship. It was probably the most stereotypical perfect relationship that i will ever have. All I really know, is that the Xmas of 2010, he went out of town to see the kids, and I couldn't go that trip, due to work. And when he came home, we were broken up. He was going to pick up, and move to FL (Where she has take the kids to, anddo his best to see the kids as much as humanly possible). This was only reason I had for our breakup; at least that way, he could see his kids every day. See all blogs on here, starting from the earliest, through 2-10-11, and then 5-19-11[WE STILL TALK VERY RARELY. BUT IT'S HARD. ON BOTH OF US. SO WE DON'T DO IT OFTEN. WE MOSTLY GO THROUGH MUTUAL FRIENDS AND FAMILY JUST TO CHECK ON EACH OTHER, AND MAKE SURE EACH OTHER ARE OK. MAYBE IT WILL BE EASIER ONE DAY. BUT PROBABLY NOT, AS LONG AS BABY MOMMA IS AROUND. SHE IS STILL CONVINCED THAT I WAS JUST A "MISTRESS." THAT'S ACTUALLY HOW SHE REFERS TO ME, LOL. THAT THE ENTIRE YEAR THAT HE AND I WERE TOGETHER, AND SHE AND THE KIDS WERE LIVING IN ANOTHER STATE, THAT THEY WERE ACTUALLY STILL TOGETHER. DELUSIONAL, MUCH?????]
Then came another worthless two month stalker blurb. When we first started talking, everything was great. it was this perfect little honeymoon stage, where i hung the moon, and he would do anything for me. after tao few weeks, he started staying here every day. he didn't have a car, but i had been in that situation before with people, so i didn't mind driving him around, or sharing the car. we were together pretty much together 24/7. (For the good part of the relationship, although he worked with people from the most recent boyfriend listed just above, see blog 4-18-11). then, randomly one day, which happened to be either our 2 or 3 month anniversary (i don't really remember), he decided that he wanted to hang out with his friends. which normally, I would have zero problem with, but I had already made some plans for us, because it was a kind of special day. anyway, he ended up choosing his friends that night, and pretty much never came back for at least a few months, rather than a few random days here and there. Once I told him that I never wanted to see him again, then the stalker part started, and lasted at least another year, maybe a year and a half ... He was just plain crazy. He's the main reason I eventually had to change my phone number. the one that I had had for like 13 years. It really really sucked. And it pissed me off. But it pissed me off in such a way, that I simply couldn't deal with him anymore.
[ENGAGEMENT #3 ... MADE IT 6 WEEKS UP UNTIL "I DO"] And then the most recent. The one that I broke up with, 6 weeks before we were to stand before the altar and say our "I Do's." (We met, afrer I had left TGI Friday's, after being there for over 5 years. I went to Cracker Barrel for 6 months, and it was absolutely terrible! I ended up going back to TGIF after 6 months. Almost immediately upon my return to TGIF, I went downstairs to look at the keg room, to ensure that by beer pars were right. It was terrible!!! So, then I called the supervisors over at Budweiser, explained the situation, and asked them to send me my driver. When he finally got there, as nicely as I could, I cussed him out. Over the course of the next 3 months, we would just talk about random things, as we got to know one another better, as he would drop off the weekly delivery. Eventually, after 3 months, he asked me out. It was a Wednesday. We were supposed to go out on Sunday. We ended up hanging out that night. The night my best friend had my neice. He let me come over and eat and run, while she was havin her c-section. After that, we ended up hanging out that night, and pretty much every other night after that(see blog 9-29-11).
Fast forward about a year. Include NBA basketball games, NFL games, family vacations, traveling to see his parents, vacations with just us, typical couple's fights and ups and downs, birthdays, Christmas's, etc. We had been talking about starting out family, having kids, getting married, etc. Finally, even after already talking about these things, we got up one Saturday morning (the day before Mother's day 2012, and he says, "Let's go pick out your ring today baby. I want you to be able to get what ever you want). Now fast forward over another year. 6 weeks before our wedding. Now, at this point I know him, and I know him rather well (at least, I think I do ...), I find a few things interesting. 1) In the beginning of our relationship, every night, his phone was always plugged into the charger on his side of th bed. 2) I had begun to notice that I would never see or hear his phone, unless he was actually ON IT. So, the Nancy Drew in me starts to take over. I can never sleep at night anyways, so I'm up half the night anyway. Sooo ... for several days in a row, I literally HUNT for his phone. I finally find it ... and I find a text message on his phone, which lets me know he is cheating on me. After more looking into, I discover that it has been going on for approx 10 months. Throughout the whole course of planning the wedding, reserving plaves, and paying non-refundable deposits, mailing invitations, etc. Long story short ... because even though I know I ended up where I need to be, I just don't feel up to discussing any of this any further.
[CURRENT STATUS; SECOND CHANCES. AKA ... ENGAGEMENT #1] So, we haven't talked at all since we broke up, somewhere in 2008-2009. And then ... out of NOWEHERE ... of all times and places ... he sends me a facebook message and friend request, while I'm on my "would-be" honeymoon (July 20-28, 2013), renamed the "mommy-moon," because I took mom instead. (I had already paid the non-refundable deposits, and I REALLY needed to get out of this city!!!) He starts off just asking how things are doing, how am I, etc. 5++ years later. Apparently, he has been through rehab, has been completely clean for almost a year, now has a 10 month old son, and has been thinking about me every day, pretty much for the past 10 years. We exchanged our new numbers, because in 5 years, ours had both changed. I know for a fact, that before Zak and I had offically starting planning the wedding, I had tried calling him. Just to talk about planning the wedding, and making sure that I was doing the right thing. Jeremy probaby knew me better than anyone else. But he had already changed his number by then. He then tells me, that he had tried calling me before he had gone to rehab, but that my number had aready been changed, too. But this would only be the beginning of the list of eery signs of "meant to be."
We end up talking/texting the rest of the time I'm out of town. I get back in town, and we start hanging out. At this point, I find out that he is living with hi sister - who literally lives one block away from me. He can walk to my house in litterally 5 minutes. Now, we talk and/are together, literally every day. The weird thing is ... it's like we picked up, right where we left off. Except, without all of the bad stuff, of course. He has done a lot of growing up, and tackling of demons. He is back in school. He has a son, which at the moment, his mom watches over during the week, and we have him on Sat and Sun. Insert eery moment, yet again. I feel like this is God's moment of telling me to not freak out about the endometriosis, and whether or not I have to have surgery, and just get everything taken out. Van is the most perfect child in the whole world, and I would be perfectly happy, if he is the only "child" that I ever get to have. And I feel blessed that God has placed him in my life, along with this person that I DO love so much. The second or third night after we had begun hanging out, we both kind of blurted out the "I love you's," without even thinking about it. And we both meant it. Because ... again ... it was just like we traveled back in time 5 years. And even then ... we both fall in love fast. But this time, it wasn't even new. We were just falling BACK IN love. Or maybe just reigniting the fire that was always there. And right now, It's just like I have my old J back. The perfect way was he was, before the demons took him over.
And when he was sober, he was always the sweetest person in the entire world to me. And I know that he adores the ground that I walk on. But that's not all it's about. The thing is ... it works both ways. Because he knows that without a doubt, I will do everything within my power to help him with his demons, with his son, and to help him accomplish every dream he ever wanted in life. He could make some random/off-the-cuff comment about wanting something (anything - a watch, a jersey, it doesn't matter), and miraculously ... just a few days later, it would just show up at the house. But the point of all of this is ... when you are blessed with second chances like this, you grab them by the horns and you fight that bull with every ounce of strength that you've got. And then, with even some more strength that you didn't even know you had. It's like that superhuman strength that mom's have when they lift entire busses off of their chilren. That's me right now. Because I'm not going to lose my first love again. Not when this second chance was literally THROWN in my lap, at the perfect time. Right now, we're just kind of taking things as they come. And it's all in a really messed up, non-typical dating order or fashion. But that's always been how we did things. we never did them the normal way. and that's one of the things I always loved about us. They would be playing a Mozart waltz on the dance floor, and we would bust out with the "Dougie." Not that either of us dances ... but you get the point ...
Stay tuned ...
Maybe I'll have some new lessons for study, next week. That concludes this week's lesson, class.
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