Behind my smile is a broken heart
Behind my laugh, the truth is ... I'm falling apart.
Behind my smile, there are tears every night.
Behind my smile, I am always having an internal fight ... just to stay alive.
Now let me summarize the past several years for you, so you won't be extremely lost while I'm telling this whole story, and then we will go back to (at the least the beginning of where this little tale started, and I'll fill in the blanks, where things seem kind of fuzzy.)
[MORE THAN A BLEEP, BUT NOT A MOUNTAIN ... #1 ON THE RADAR] ... My senior year in high school, and throughout my sophmore year in college, my life was a roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs, but I learned a lot about myself. A lot about trust. And a lot about what TO do and what NOT to do in a relationship. It was my first "true love." I had the whole rest of our lives planned out. We were supposed to go to college in the same city, get married, have a happy little family ... You know ... The whole nine yards. This breakup killed me, for a long time.
In retrospect, I thought it was probably one of the best things that I ever did (both being IN the relationship, as well as dealing with all of the breakups and the getting back togethers), although at the time, my heart was so broken, that I thought my world was just simply ending (I found him cheating. More than once). I thought I would never move on. Amazingly, I did. And in the process, I learned a lot; A lot about who I was, what I deserved, how strong I was; and what I was and what I wasn't willing to put up with. I also learned what were really the most important aspects (at least, to me), in a relationship. [UPDATE: IT TOOK US A WHILE, BUT WE ARE NOW FRIENDS AGAIN. WE STILL KEEP IN TOUCH, ALTHOUGH IT'S ONLY MAYBE ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS OR ONCE A YEAR]
I dated several guys here and there for the next few years. Even had a few "boyfriends" but none that were really "the one." Then finally, when I moved to STL, for grad school, for some strange reason, between moving there in July of 2006 and Xmas of 06, this guy from home and I fell "head over heels" for each other. And fast. And by fast ... I'm talking, like lightening speed. We worked together for a few months before I left, and were always friends. Our first "date," so to speak, was after work one day. My best friend, he, and I all went to Bahama Breeze for some drinks and apps after we got off work, and then we went to go see a movie. But this was the type of hanging out that we did before I left. Want to know a juicy secret? Once it was time for me to leave town, I went to go to his house, to go visit quickly (he just lived a few minutes away) and say goodbye. I didn't realize how close we had gotten, so quickly, but I just cried. and cried. and cried. I just couldn't leave him. And truth be told ... Mr Macho Man cried when I left too.
During one of my visits home, we started talking to each other more. We would hang out when I went home, and when I went back to school, we would talk every day. He told me he loved me after like 3 weeks. And the weird thing was ... I loved him too. We connected on this weird level, that no one else really understood. We were so completely different from each other, and no one understood it, but it made perfect sense to us. He was this total rebel, that was so angry with the world. All he wanted to do was get drunk and smoke pot, and be the typical "hot topic" angry person. He dropped out of high school and got his GED. And here I was. I didn't do drugs. Sure, I drank, but within moderation. So of course, I would be the one scraping him up off of the floor, keeping him from getting into fights, and then driving us home. I was in grad school for my PhD. I wanted kids. He hated kids. We were complete opposites. But it worked. When I packed up to go back to STL in Jan (after that Xmas 06), packing him up, was part of the list of duties and things to fit in my tiny mustang. We just fit together, he and I. it was just ... right.
[ENGAGEMENT #1; BOUGHT RING, ALTHOUGH WE NEVER ACTUALLY PLANNED ANYTHING]We got engaged about two months after he had been there. I truly just thought everything was perfect, and it was everyone else that didnt understand. We were together the rest of my time in STL, with plenty of ups and downs, his personal battles with drug and alcohol addictions, and with staying faithful when he just wasn't in his right mind. But i knew it wasnt him making The choices. It was the drugs. I'll never forget the night that i woke up to the door to the loft slamming shut, and i found him butt ass naked, peeing In the hallway. Or the night he just rolled Over In bed, and ever so nonchalantly said, "im addicted to heroin." or how many people told me that he cheated on me, but to this day, he still denies it. I really feel in my heart, that it wasnt him. It was the drugs. He probably doesnt even know what he had done! But how could i not know all of this as it was happening? Was i blind to it? Was i in denial? Did i love him So much that i just didnt want To see it? Or did i just WANT to be loved so badly, that i refused to believe It? We moved home a few years later. We tried moving in a new house together, but once he was back home, and with all of his friends, and there were even more ways to get what he wanted, his downward spiral got even worse. Then we tried living separately, but still being together. We tried to work through it a few different ways ... Living together, living separately ... We just couldn't make it work. We were on two different paths of our lives at that time. But we would be forever linked by our ink and our love (one year while we were in STL, our Valentine's gifts to one another were matching tattoos. No ... nothing cheesy, or super "Ooooohhhhhh, y'all are gonne have bad luck for forever!" We got anatomical hearts, with a dagger going through it, with a banner that read "til death" ... just like our love. .[HOLD ON A MINUTE FOR FOLLOW-UP ON CURRENT STATUS]
There was another blip on the radar there, for another 6 months or so, and ended up being a good friendS for several years, but we no longer speak either.
[MAJOR RELATIONSHIP #2 - TALKED ABOUT MARRIAGE, BUT THERE WAS NO RING, ETC]And then one of the true loves of my life. Probably the most seemingly perfect relationship I've ever been in. We never fought. The only one fight that i ever remember, was that i got really drunk one night, and i attempted to drive home, but i got lost. He was so mad at me. But only for being so stupid. I was drunk, and alone, and in a terrible part of town. And he was at work, so he couldnt leave and come save me. I'll always remember, "One day, I'm going to wait until we're both off, and both sober, and I'm going to take you to where you were at that night, so you will know why i was so worried." It pains my heart to have hurt/scared him (or anyone, for that matter, so deeply, but mostly it just touches my heart to know that someone cared that much about me to be that worried.
The only problem we ever really had was his "Baby Mama Drama," if you will. She was the one that left him, but apparently she expected him to come crawling back. And when he told her that he was in another relationship, it infuriated her so much, that it became her life's goal to do anything and everything at all possible, in order to destroy it. But worse than that, she wanted (and succeeded) at making it as hard on him to see the kids as she could. And trust me when I say, she made it damn near impossible. First, it was a fake pregnancy to try to get him back. When that didn't work, she said that if he wouldnt let her and the the kids move back in, then she would take them and move several states away. When he didn't let them move in, she picked them up and moved. At this point, we would go down there once a month for a long weekend to visit the kids. THEN, she decided to make even THAT more difficult, by getting the courts involved, and saying that i had to sleep overnight at another residence, and then return again in the morning.
He had been married once - decades before. And always said that he would never get married again. And he and the mother of his children had never gotten married. But after we had been together for about four months, we were sitting in his car, in the driveway, talking. He knew how important it was to me, to have the big happy Cinderella fairytale wedding and marriage and happy ending. And as awkward and strange as this sounds ... It was perfect, coming from him, as he was just not a "truly romantic person." the short version was, he told me how much he loved me. And that I had showed him how he could TRULY love again. Sinply ... be ALIVE. That I made something come alive, that had been dead for a very long time. And that if getting married meant that much to me, then we could get married one day. And that was probably the single most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me, to this day. Well, after many more perfect months for us, and much unnecessary BS from baby momma, fast forward to months later
I will never truly know the real reason that we broke up, as there were never, to my knowledge, any problems with our relationship. It was probably the most stereotypical perfect relationship that i will ever have. All I really know, is that the Xmas of 2010, he went out of town to see the kids, and I couldn't go that trip, due to work. And when he came home, we were broken up. He was going to pick up, and move to FL (Where she has take the kids to, anddo his best to see the kids as much as humanly possible). This was only reason I had for our breakup; at least that way, he could see his kids every day. See all blogs on here, starting from the earliest, through 2-10-11, and then 5-19-11[WE STILL TALK VERY RARELY. BUT IT'S HARD. ON BOTH OF US. SO WE DON'T DO IT OFTEN. WE MOSTLY GO THROUGH MUTUAL FRIENDS AND FAMILY JUST TO CHECK ON EACH OTHER, AND MAKE SURE EACH OTHER ARE OK. MAYBE IT WILL BE EASIER ONE DAY. BUT PROBABLY NOT, AS LONG AS BABY MOMMA IS AROUND. SHE IS STILL CONVINCED THAT I WAS JUST A "MISTRESS." THAT'S ACTUALLY HOW SHE REFERS TO ME, LOL. THAT THE ENTIRE YEAR THAT HE AND I WERE TOGETHER, AND SHE AND THE KIDS WERE LIVING IN ANOTHER STATE, THAT THEY WERE ACTUALLY STILL TOGETHER. DELUSIONAL, MUCH?????]
Then came another worthless two month stalker blurb. When we first started talking, everything was great. it was this perfect little honeymoon stage, where i hung the moon, and he would do anything for me. after tao few weeks, he started staying here every day. he didn't have a car, but i had been in that situation before with people, so i didn't mind driving him around, or sharing the car. we were together pretty much together 24/7. (For the good part of the relationship, although he worked with people from the most recent boyfriend listed just above, see blog 4-18-11). then, randomly one day, which happened to be either our 2 or 3 month anniversary (i don't really remember), he decided that he wanted to hang out with his friends. which normally, I would have zero problem with, but I had already made some plans for us, because it was a kind of special day. anyway, he ended up choosing his friends that night, and pretty much never came back for at least a few months, rather than a few random days here and there. Once I told him that I never wanted to see him again, then the stalker part started, and lasted at least another year, maybe a year and a half ... He was just plain crazy. He's the main reason I eventually had to change my phone number. the one that I had had for like 13 years. It really really sucked. And it pissed me off. But it pissed me off in such a way, that I simply couldn't deal with him anymore.
[ENGAGEMENT #3 ... MADE IT 6 WEEKS UP UNTIL "I DO"] And then the most recent. The one that I broke up with, 6 weeks before we were to stand before the altar and say our "I Do's." (We met, afrer I had left TGI Friday's, after being there for over 5 years. I went to Cracker Barrel for 6 months, and it was absolutely terrible! I ended up going back to TGIF after 6 months. Almost immediately upon my return to TGIF, I went downstairs to look at the keg room, to ensure that by beer pars were right. It was terrible!!! So, then I called the supervisors over at Budweiser, explained the situation, and asked them to send me my driver. When he finally got there, as nicely as I could, I cussed him out. Over the course of the next 3 months, we would just talk about random things, as we got to know one another better, as he would drop off the weekly delivery. Eventually, after 3 months, he asked me out. It was a Wednesday. We were supposed to go out on Sunday. We ended up hanging out that night. The night my best friend had my neice. He let me come over and eat and run, while she was havin her c-section. After that, we ended up hanging out that night, and pretty much every other night after that(see blog 9-29-11).
Fast forward about a year. Include NBA basketball games, NFL games, family vacations, traveling to see his parents, vacations with just us, typical couple's fights and ups and downs, birthdays, Christmas's, etc. We had been talking about starting out family, having kids, getting married, etc. Finally, even after already talking about these things, we got up one Saturday morning (the day before Mother's day 2012, and he says, "Let's go pick out your ring today baby. I want you to be able to get what ever you want). Now fast forward over another year. 6 weeks before our wedding. Now, at this point I know him, and I know him rather well (at least, I think I do ...), I find a few things interesting. 1) In the beginning of our relationship, every night, his phone was always plugged into the charger on his side of th bed. 2) I had begun to notice that I would never see or hear his phone, unless he was actually ON IT. So, the Nancy Drew in me starts to take over. I can never sleep at night anyways, so I'm up half the night anyway. Sooo ... for several days in a row, I literally HUNT for his phone. I finally find it ... and I find a text message on his phone, which lets me know he is cheating on me. After more looking into, I discover that it has been going on for approx 10 months. Throughout the whole course of planning the wedding, reserving plaves, and paying non-refundable deposits, mailing invitations, etc. Long story short ... because even though I know I ended up where I need to be, I just don't feel up to discussing any of this any further.
[CURRENT STATUS; SECOND CHANCES. AKA ... ENGAGEMENT #1] So, we haven't talked at all since we broke up, somewhere in 2008-2009. And then ... out of NOWEHERE ... of all times and places ... he sends me a facebook message and friend request, while I'm on my "would-be" honeymoon (July 20-28, 2013), renamed the "mommy-moon," because I took mom instead. (I had already paid the non-refundable deposits, and I REALLY needed to get out of this city!!!) He starts off just asking how things are doing, how am I, etc. 5++ years later. Apparently, he has been through rehab, has been completely clean for almost a year, now has a 10 month old son, and has been thinking about me every day, pretty much for the past 10 years. We exchanged our new numbers, because in 5 years, ours had both changed. I know for a fact, that before Zak and I had offically starting planning the wedding, I had tried calling him. Just to talk about planning the wedding, and making sure that I was doing the right thing. Jeremy probaby knew me better than anyone else. But he had already changed his number by then. He then tells me, that he had tried calling me before he had gone to rehab, but that my number had aready been changed, too. But this would only be the beginning of the list of eery signs of "meant to be."
We end up talking/texting the rest of the time I'm out of town. I get back in town, and we start hanging out. At this point, I find out that he is living with hi sister - who literally lives one block away from me. He can walk to my house in litterally 5 minutes. Now, we talk and/are together, literally every day. The weird thing is ... it's like we picked up, right where we left off. Except, without all of the bad stuff, of course. He has done a lot of growing up, and tackling of demons. He is back in school. He has a son, which at the moment, his mom watches over during the week, and we have him on Sat and Sun. Insert eery moment, yet again. I feel like this is God's moment of telling me to not freak out about the endometriosis, and whether or not I have to have surgery, and just get everything taken out. Van is the most perfect child in the whole world, and I would be perfectly happy, if he is the only "child" that I ever get to have. And I feel blessed that God has placed him in my life, along with this person that I DO love so much. The second or third night after we had begun hanging out, we both kind of blurted out the "I love you's," without even thinking about it. And we both meant it. Because ... again ... it was just like we traveled back in time 5 years. And even then ... we both fall in love fast. But this time, it wasn't even new. We were just falling BACK IN love. Or maybe just reigniting the fire that was always there. And right now, It's just like I have my old J back. The perfect way was he was, before the demons took him over.
And when he was sober, he was always the sweetest person in the entire world to me. And I know that he adores the ground that I walk on. But that's not all it's about. The thing is ... it works both ways. Because he knows that without a doubt, I will do everything within my power to help him with his demons, with his son, and to help him accomplish every dream he ever wanted in life. He could make some random/off-the-cuff comment about wanting something (anything - a watch, a jersey, it doesn't matter), and miraculously ... just a few days later, it would just show up at the house. But the point of all of this is ... when you are blessed with second chances like this, you grab them by the horns and you fight that bull with every ounce of strength that you've got. And then, with even some more strength that you didn't even know you had. It's like that superhuman strength that mom's have when they lift entire busses off of their chilren. That's me right now. Because I'm not going to lose my first love again. Not when this second chance was literally THROWN in my lap, at the perfect time. Right now, we're just kind of taking things as they come. And it's all in a really messed up, non-typical dating order or fashion. But that's always been how we did things. we never did them the normal way. and that's one of the things I always loved about us. They would be playing a Mozart waltz on the dance floor, and we would bust out with the "Dougie." Not that either of us dances ... but you get the point ...
Stay tuned ...
Maybe I'll have some new lessons for study, next week. That concludes this week's lesson, class.
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