beyond my level of comprehension

things i will never understand ...

ill never understand why ...

you would leave the one person you have ever truly been in love with, in order to attempt to settle for someone else that you know you won't be happy with, no matter what the justification.

any self-respecting woman would tolerate being with a man, KNOWING full well that he is in love with another woman.  regardless of any delusional fantasies she has that he still might have some inkling of desire to be with her.  regardless of any games that she is playing, and just the fact that she doesn't want him to be happy without her, therefore he simply must be with her instead.  SOME part of her knows that he is in love with me.  And that will never make sense to me.

how you can just completely turn off ALL emotions.  even those towards me.  How you can just leave for a week, come back, and seem to just not care about me at all.  I know you do.  Because when you sit down in front of me, and talk, you break down.  And I know that's why you are ignoring me.  And I know that's why you HAVE to shut down.  So you're capable of doing what you think is best.  I just don't know how you can do it.  I don't know WHY you do it.  I don't know why you're so dead set on leaving.  I don't know why you're so dead set on thinking this is what's best for the kids.  I disagree.  SO wholeheartedly.  This will, without a doubt, be the biggest disagreement we have for the rest of our lives.  And, yes, I say it like that, because I refuse to believe that the rest of our lives is over.  We care too much about one another for it to be over.  I'll continue to talk to a brick wall, and share my opinions, and be the loud, obnoxious, opinionated, stubborn girl that YOU fell in love with.  But I'm not giving up on you.  I care too much about you, and too much about us, to just roll over.  So ... as you think ... or don't think, as you be with her ... ok ... i'm not going to think about that, because it makes me want to throw up.  Let's start over.  So ... as you think, and spend time with the kids, and hopefully realize what I'm telling you about there being ways that we can spend just as much, or at least, ALMOST as much, but more QUALITY time with the kids ... TOGETHER ... until you realize that ... i will continue talking your brick wall.  And enduring the pain of you ignoring me everyday.  I'll bear that burden for us for now.  Just spend time with the kids.  Because that's what you need the most in your life.

I love you.  As always.

From SelfiSH to SelfLESS

So I'm sitting in the shower this morning. Having my thinking time. As I do every day. Today, my thoughts turn to how frustrated I am, by the fact that in my 30 years of life, I feel like all I have done is spent my life trying to make everyone else happy. And now what? I am 30 years old, and have seemingly nothing to show for it. So what did I decide? Screw this. I am going to live for me. I am going to say eff the rest of em, and just look out for me. Just do what makes me happy.

Immediately, God spoke to me, and said ... No, Ann. I made you this way for a reason. There is a reason that you are the way that I made you. I made you this way, because there aren't enough people that look out for others. Philippians 2:1-7 says,0 "So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,"

Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

I am supposed to continue being the person that I am. Continue doing everything that I can to make my friends and family and all of those around me happy. And eventually ... one day ... someone will come around that will do the same thing for me.

Aunt Ann

OK. i just need to vent about a few things real quickly. No. I have never been pregnant. i have never been through 9 1/2 months of carrying a child within myself, and going through the actual pains of childbirth (even though that I liken my pains of endometriosis to that of having contractions). So, no. I do not have children that are ACTUALLY my own. I do not have children that I have raised from day one, that live with me 24/7, and that I put up with 365 days a year. I will be the first person to admit that. I will also be the first person to tell you that I would cry from PURE JOY to see a plus sign, or two lines, or whatever other form of "positive" there is on that damn pee stick, to show that I AM pregnant, and would be able to experience all of these things. I want my own children. SO incredibly badly, that there is absolutely NO way that I can express it to you in mere words. none. whatsoever. there are ABSOLUTELY no words to express to you how badly I want children of my own.

However ... and this is a BIG however ... that does NOT mean that I do not know what I am talking about when I am talking about children. Why is that, do you ask? That is because, due to my love of children, I take my love for children to a level that most people would describe as ridiculous or extreme. The children of my best friends, those of whomever I am dating, and even those of my employees ... I treat as if they were my own. I have an entire baby room at my house - with a crib, a glider and ottoman, and a dresser. I have clothes, diapers, wipes, ointments, baby Tylenol, shampoo, bath mats, bath toys, a diaper bag, bottles, baby plates and silverware, food and snacks, and every possible other thing that you could imagine that any "typical parent" might need. I don't know how else to explain to you ... I LOVE KIDS. Everyone aforementioned ... their children have known me since they were in the womb. They all call me Aunt Ann. more than half of them come to my house on a REGULAR basis. 2 or 3 of them have lived with me for various amounts of time, and I have actually RAISED. I woke up with them i the middle of the night, I fed them 3 times a day plus snacks, I did nap time, I sang and rocked them to sleep, I clothed them, I changed the shitty diapers, I did bath time ... I. raised. them. They called me "mommy."

So for someone to tell me that I don't know what I am doing with a child, just because I didn't push one out of my vagina, or because there isn't one that lives in my house 24/7/365 ... I do actually take as an insult. because, quite frankly, I feel as though I'm a better mother than a pretty large percentage of those who have pushed that watermelon out of their vagina. It's just like when a mother adopts their child. Does that mean that they're not their mother? no. same thing here. Just because I didn't push a watermelon through a tennis ball doesn't mean that I don't know how to take care of a tiny human. It's about love. and intuition. and experience. And I can guarantee you one thing ... I have all three. Ask all of the mothers (or fathers, may it be the case), in my Facebook album entitled "My Kiddos."

that is all. end rant. F the rest of you that want to believe otherwise. quite frankly, i really just don't give a shit what you think. you can be as close minded as you want. but when we have to make a surprise stop at my house, because someone doesn't have something for their OWN child, and ... oh wait ... Aunt Ann does ... yeah. That's what I thought. Go fuck yourself.

When one week feels like 3 years ...

If one week is 7 days, therefore 24 hrs X 7 days, therefore 60 min X each hour, and 60 sec per min ... each week = 604,800 seconds in a week

If you say one week feels like 3 years, and one year is 52 weeks, that is 94,348,800 seconds in those theoretical three years.

There is a whole lot that you can cover in that amount of time. And if you consider that one week is the equivalent to three years, then one second is the approximate equivalent to 2.5 minutes. So you're definitely going at lightning speed. And while most of that is perfectly ok with you (albeit, insane to the rest of the world), there are still things left to be covered that there simply isn't enough time to have been covered yet.

Sure ... you can establish within 23 minutes that you've found your soulmate. That ONE person in the world that accepts you for who you are, and loves you no matter what. The one who makes your heart beat faster, and you can never stop thinking about. The one you trust your whole life with. The one you WANT to make a life with ... spend the rest of your life with. Make a family with.

You can easily (or relatively easily, for the purposes of this case)decide on all of the easy things. ie, if youre sure its right, when you move in, when you get married, when you start the family, what furniture to keep, move, etc, etc, etc

But there are so many things that are so much harder ... like accepting each other's baggage, and all that comes with it. Like the fact that I have been broken up with in terrible situations more than once ... and two of them, you are theoretically both of the two guys, rolled into one. Do I want to be jealous? Do I want to worry? Hell no. I don't want to think about this bull shit at ALL! But it's there. It's always there. I can never stop thinking about it. For one, yes, of course your son is the number one person in your entire life. And therefore his mother will be there, whether I like it or not, for the next 18 years. But you want to know the truth? I fucking hate it. Know why? Because I've been there. When mother and father sit there and text or call and talk incessantly, and it always "about the kids," and it's always "so important," and half the time it doesn't have to do with shit except mom trying to get back with dad, or one trying to piss off the other one, and I'm just supposed to sit there with a damn smile on my face like everything is fucking peachy? Well guess what? It's not. Know why? Because for one, I don't even know what the hell yall are talking about, and for two, the whole time I am feeling like she is more important than me. Not your son ... her. Because it isn't "ok, here's the deal with your son," and it's over. It's always some long drawn out hour or more conversation. And you, self admittedly, have stated that you "love us all equally" ... whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.

What else bothers me? sex. and you already know it, and you already know why. I think we've officially beat this subject to a dead horse.

Last but not least. This subject is the hardest for me to talk about, and will probably be the hardest for you to read. Your mom. Now am I trying to replace her? Hell no. My mother is my OWN best friend. Am I trying to tell you not to be there for her? Hell no. I know that she needs you to be there for her. But again, if we are discussing planning a life together ... then does not that make her MY mom too? OR are WE going quickly, but you and your MOM are on an entirely different level? Just like when we talked before. How to me, I am most important, but to her, she is most important. I'm not trying to take any mother/son time away from you and her. But I also don't want you to wait until 3 months before we're supposed to get married, when you finally decide to tell her. I don't want you to be living with me, but NOT be living with me, unless mother has given you the approval for the night. And I know a lot of this sound harsh. And I don't mean for it to sound that way. And that's why I haven't said any of it yet. Because there is no easy way to.

But then there is everything else:

1) how do we want to raise our children (crying, spanking, discipline, etc)

2) how many do we want?

3) how often and honest are we going to be?

4) when we get married, and even essentially now, seeing as we have supposedly already promised the rest of our lives to each other, at which point, the two people are to become one, why is it that I am "equally loved, along with 4 other people?"

5) how do we manage our finances? what is most important? bills? private school? going out?

we have both been through shitty relationships. and we have both very recently ended some. and we both are old enough that we have figured out exactly what we want. and to the best of both of our knowledge, that is each other. we want a family. we want marriage. we want people we can trust. we just want EACH OTHER! But we have to start doing more of your favorite word (communicating) and less of your favorite activity (ummm .... duh!), and make sure we are doing what we are both sure is right. And we know that we're doing everything we can, to make it the last time. for both of us.

The 6 Month Roller Coaster Ride From Hell

WARNING:

Must be at least 48" Tall to Ride this Ride

No Pace Makers, No Pregnant Women, and no one that is easily disturbed my motion sickness

No one that has any head, neck or back injuries, or may be disturbed by sudden jarring movements

Rated NC-17 for Violence, Foul Language, and Sexual References

And last but not least, let us remember ... "Thou shalt cast no judgement, lest ye be judged."

Let us begin ...

Now I am about to take you on the longest, crazies, most insane roller coaster ride that you can ever imagine. One that is so long, and so hellacious that you will just keep hoping, and praying that the end is somewhere in sight. There will be the slow, climbing ups, where you can hear the cranks turning, and you just know the top is eventually going to get there, and then once it does, the bottom is so far down, and you start falling so ridiculously fast, that your heart jumps into your throat, and you can't breathe, or think, and the only reaction you can make is to scream bloody murder. There will be the slow, steaming, curvacious turns, as if you were strolling along the lazy river, and then all of the sudden, you'll wind up on the of the circle wheels, that I was always afraid of when I was a kid, because I didn't want to do anything that would make me go upside down, because I couldn't decide if I was going to barf all over someone, or fall out of my seat.

And this ride ... this never ending, hellacious ride that I am describing to you ... this ride, has been my life since June 1st, 2013. One, giant 8 1/2 month roller coaster ride from HELL.

June 1st - 6 weeks before I am about to get married. All monies already invested. I find out that my fiance has been cheating on me. For ALMOST A YEAR. Approx 2 weeks later - I get "fired" for the purposes of the story from my job. No reason, at all, whatsoever. Approx 1 week later - my Maid of Honor, Matron of Honor, and 1 of 2 Bridesmaids decide to still go on my Bachelorette trip, which has been renamed, "Cheaper than a Divorce" party. We get home, at which point, My Bridesmaid and Maid of Honor/Best Friend of 16 years decide how much of a "selfish, wretched person I am," (which, at least in my own eyes, as well as the Matron of Honor, has absolutely ZERO merit), and neither one of them has said a single word to me since.

July 20 - day of my supposed wedding - mother and I travel on my honeymoon (as it has already been paid for). We re-dub it the "Mommy-Moon". At some time during this trip, my fiance (we called ourselves engaged, however we never actually did any sort of planning of a wedding, so call that what you may), finds me on facebook. We haven't spoken in over 5 years. Apparently, he has fixed some of the demons that were the cause of our demise, and has recently had a son (6 months old, at the time). We text a little while I am back in town. We decide to meet up when I get back, because apparently he is back in school and living at his sister's house, which is like a block away. When we meet up, we say, "hey, this is like old times, but minus the shitty part, we can try this again. plus, i LOVE your son."

Throughout July, Aug, Sep - I have a friend/coworker living with me. She, also has a son. The joke between us, is that I am her mother, and her son, Hunter, is my grandson. He calls us both Mom. I am still unemployed at this point, although I am applying for jobs. It's just that nothing is coming up.

Somewhere in here, my dad comes over, and talks about how trashy people with tattoos are (FYI, I have 6), they're all bad news, how dare my roommate have a biracial child, etc, etc, etc. In general, old school thinking. Get with it dad. I call my mom, and tell her I'm not talking to him anymore, because he is racist and judgmental, and can't dictate my life. We also have a family wedding coming up, to which he tells me I can't bring my boyfriend to, because he has tattoos, and that would bring shame upon the family (bc clearly, tattoos mean you are going to hell, and you can't dress up for a wedding and put on a damn long sleeve button up shirt). This then causes Mom to make the three of us (Ann, mom, and Dad, go to counseling, at which point dad pretty much admits that he doesn't see a point in going, bc he's going to do what he wants to do, and that's just all there is to it.) However, I do finally bust out and tell him that I, do in fact, have tattoos. I tell my father, who has been telling me, for 15 years, that if i ever got tattoos, he would disown me, that I had 6 tattoos. One for when my grandmother died. One for when my grandfather died. One to get me through grad school. A Bible verse. And did I go to jail? Do drugs? Become a delinquent? No. He couldn't really say much, but DAMN! Did it feel good. I also told him that for the past 10 years, how every time he mentioned something or someone with tattoos, I felt like his derogatory remarks were pointing straight at me. I told him that he was racist, and judgmental, and that I didn't appreciate any of it. And you know what? That felt good too.

>A few months later, I notice several of my belongings missing. I question roommate about it. The minute i even attempt to ask her, she flips out, and decides she is moving out, and starts packing. Guess what? Now she's gone, and so is my grandson. Another child gone. No Christmas for me and Hunter either. And then, of course, she starts sending me a million texts about how I am a terrible person, and I better watch my back, etc,etc, etc ... so I am forced to get a restraining order. Because I ... simply put ... I just aint got time got that bull shit.

A few months later, back pops up boyfriends demise. Therefore, break up with him, again, I do. And I lose my "son." Child #3, near and dear to my heart, lost in less than 6 months. And these things may seem simple, and not mean much to you ... but when you love kids as much as I do, and you WANT them as desperately as I do, and you have been putting yourself through hellish pain for 7 years, just for the mere HOPE, that you MAY be able to have your own one day, and you are used to being able to see them every day ... even thinking about it again is absolutely heart-wrenching and tear jerking.

I spend Christmas and the next few weeks by myself. In a really deep, dark place. My dad has once again, reared his ugly head, shown his true colors, and cussed me like dog shit, until the sun set. All while I a preparing to go to a job interview. Because, of course, that would be the most appropriate time to tell your daughter how worthless she is, and that she needs to get her shit straight (and yes ... that was very much so, the PG version). Until finally, I talk to my OTHER Bridesmaid, and she helps me realize ... throughout all of this bullshit, and this shitty ass, crotchety old roller coaster that needs to be torn the fuck down ... I have lost sight of me. Of who I am. The Ann that used to always walk around with a smile on her face, and joke around, and be optimistic about everything, and make everyone laugh at the stupid, retarded jokes she would make ... "Oooorrrrrrange you glad I'm not a banana???" Yes. Stupid things like that. I've lost sight of myself. Of the things I stand for. Of the kind of life I want to live.

So what do I do? I say fuck this roller coaster. I pull the emergency breaks, and I jump the hell off! Because I'm not riding this bull shit ride anymore! I'm going to find me again. The goofy, stupid, optimistic, generous, Ann that is deep inside me, trying to crawl out from this shell, otherwise known as hell, and find her way back into the sunlight. Oh, new friend, that I have never actually met. You don't have any food, because you just moved here, and you're running a tab at work to eat? That is unacceptable. Let me be slightly creepy, find out where you work, and come put a bunch of groceries in your car. Oh, new friend, that has very quickly become a very good friend, your daughter is acting inappropriately, and not listening to you? You just wait ... because she is GONNA listen to me, whether she likes it or not. oh, recently made ex boyfriend, you're finally admitting you need to go to rehab and asking for a ride? yes, by all means, let me drop what i am doing and get your ass OUT there! Therefore ... my new superhero name has become Princess Annabelle :)

But do you know what the best part about ALL of that is?!?!? As soon as the real ME started coming out ... the rest made an immediate follow. The puzzle pieces starting putting themselves together. And at such a rapid rate, that I couldn't even keep up. It's like, literally, my entire life's plan that I had in my head, but playing out in seconds rather than days, months or years.

Ex: Meet future husband online ... exchange 3 sentences each ... give him my phone number (never, ever done in my entire life)

start texting ... agree on every subject or thing we talk about. i mention that I had actually posted that same day, hours earlier about either getting in vitro, or a surrogate. He says no, we can wait on that. 23 minutes from the first text, i say, "so when are we getting married?"

he responds with a date ... only a few weeks away. so yes. he is just as insane as i am.

text another 15 minutes. we went to high school together.

we decide we must meet up. right this second. he tells me he will be waiting outside, to meet his future wife.

we establish that i have to write everything down for both of us in my day planner, bc we both have terrible memories. i say thats fine, you just have to listen to what i say, damn it!

We establish that love is like a dream, that finally comes reality.

but most importantly ...

2-in-1 ... "To Keep FB or not to Keep" and "Update on Life/Freedom of Speech."

I. Too keep or not to keep ... that is the question


A. I started my facebook when it was just beginning, and you had too have a college email address to join (as they were adding universities, one at a time). The original purpose was two fold - to get a hold of our classmates if we had questions about anything, and didn't have their number, and so that as we graduated,, we would be able to keep in touch with one another, as we all move to various cities, states, and even countries.


When Facebook began to expand its crowd, and allow everyone to join, I was simultaneously excited, whilst also afraid. I new that it meant that I would also be able to keep in touch with my out of town friends and family, as well as work acquaintances, or class mates who had graduated early, or not at all. But, on the negative side, there are always those people that you feel obligated to "friend," ie, coworkers, people from school that you know but you really didn't like, family members that you know never liked you, or the dreaded in-laws (no, that does not imlpy that everyone's in-laws are terrible. it's just a fact of life. they exist. some people hate their inlaws.)


B. Pro's
1) Keeping in touch with old friends
2) Benefits of community - ie, local crafters, lost&found, supporting local businesses in general, first word on wrecks, concerts, etc;
3) Birthday and Anniversary Reminder!
4) it's like a digital diary, that all of your friends can write on and you can look years and years back, and see life events, pictures, and all those embarrassing things you wish you could forget. Not to mention all of the different haircut, style trends, etc. And then now, people are starting to keep FB accounts for their kids when they are born, which I personally think is an AWESOME idea ... they can see who all is in their life, have a digital diary of their ENTIRE life from the day they are born, with pictures, comments from friends, family, and loved ones ... i mean ... how freaking could is that?!?!?!
5) It's an outlet, and a release of your freedom of speech, without having to blast it across the world. If you don't want to read it, keep scrolling.


C. Con's
1) People that are two faced, and pretend to be nice to your face, and then either intentionally not invite you to something that you should be invited to, or worse yet, post a nice comment about me, and then you read something that you either don't like, or you disagree with, so you delete the nice comment you comment that you posted the other day.
2) Filtering through all of the new adds and suggestions to join candy crush, mob mafia, blah, blah ...
3) To go through through all the scammers that send you friend requests, and who know don't know who the hell they are, or the people that hack your account, and then send crazy emails to your friends, etc
4) The drama it causes, with all of the young (or old) petty facebookers out there. They see a post, call a friend and start a game of telephone (which of course, we call know, means that it changes a bit, with every additional phone call). "OMG, Girl! Did you see what Ann just posted! I can't believe it! I'm sure she was talking about me. And how bitchy was that? And you KNOW she was lying!" etc, etc, etc. How about this ... GET a life. If you don't like what i post, don't read it. But let's get real ... i dont like or agree with half of what is out there, but that doesn't mean I have to act like I'm 12 and start a drama fest. Just keep scrolling, and get over it. Nobody is forcing you to read it OR agree with it.




II. i will not delve TOO much into my personal life, bc it is just that - my personal life. I know that all of you except one (those of you that matter, is it) , know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And I'm sure that the one that does not know, WOULD know if he/she would not being so judgmental. So I'm not even going to take the time to tell you here, on a public forum, all that I am doing to rectify a problem that I DID NOT START. THAT I NEVER STARTED. THAT I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT EVER TRY TO FIX. I shouldn't have to defend myself to you. I should not have to tell you that I am the ONLY one dong ANYTHING right now, and the absolute final law has been laid down. and You, of all people, should know that, I would never leave my love to drown. And to the rest of you, that think I'm a freaking idiot for believing that fairy tells come in all shape, sizes, colors, vehicles, and houses, and pets ... screw you all. i'm not Cinderella, or Belle, or the Little Mermaid, or any of the rest of them. i like black and hot pink. on my clothes, AND in my hair. I'm not 5'6", and I don't weigh 120 lbs. I have curves, tattoos, and lots of earrings. I don't want to ride off in a horse and Chariot. Just maybe a really cool Jeep Wrangler or a Tahoe. Or if I miraculously become ridiculously rich in the next 10 years, maybe a hummer or an escalade limo. and I want cupcakes instead of a real cake. I want either one of my friends kids or one my kids (god willing, one day) to be the flower girl and ring barer. I want to wear chuck taylors- the whole wedding party. Every girl has her own idea of a fairy tail, and what a fairy tail princess is , and she sees who she's walking towards at the end of the aisle. As tattooed, as atypical, or as any other "strange" word you may wish to choose.

Cliff's note's version - Yes. I am a moron. He is a moron. We are moronically in love. Dr Seuss has a quote about it. look it up. We lost each other for over 5 years, because he was being a giant moron, and wouldn't let me help him fix his moronic ways. we found our way back together. this time, he is actually listening on the things that matter. and no. that doesn't mean that im a dictator, and i rule his life. it means that i do what i have to do, to ensure i can do as much as possible (which still isn't everything), to make sure he isn't a COMPLETE moron. And yes. we fight. because we're both very stubborn. And we both always want to be right. And neither of us want to be told what to do. And when either of feel like shit, we're in TERRIBLE moods. But if one of feels good, when the other feels bad, we will jump up and over the moon and back, to do any and everything we can to make it better. To the extent last night, that I kept asking him so many thing, "Can I do this? Do you want this?," that he finally told me to just be quiet and leave him alone. But let's be honest ... what relationship is perfect? None. thats which one. And if it is, it's because you don't know that he has been cheating on you behind your back for 10 months. Annnddd ... a far as I'm concerned, I would LOVE for all of our friends and family to be involved in our lives. But only in a supportive manner. We both have a lot of very serious stressors in our lives. if you don't know what they are, you either aren't very observant, or you don't listen very well. So if the support isn't there for one or both of us, don't prepare to see one or much of the other. We are a team. And we support each other(note ... yes, i am speaking for myself only as he is currently asleep, and unavailable to consult, and i don't want to attach his name to anything without his permission, although i am about 99.9% sure he would agree). The main goal of my life, at the moment, is to delete as many unnessesary BS as possible, and aim for as much simplicity as possible. I already have a ton of UNavoidale BS, so let's gert rid of as much as I can.




III. Solutions

A. Delete facebook all together

B. Do a SERIOUS deleting session of about 80% of my friends list

C. Any other brilliant ideas that you all might have. I'm up for suggestions ...

When life gives you lemons ...

Hell. I dunno. I have a whole damn lemon forrest in my back yard right now. I could probably open up a market and sell them as fresh produce. At least then, I could make some money off of all of my misfortune!

Anyways ... Let me tell you all the Cliff's notes version of my life since about June.

1) I find out my fiance has been cheating on me. I knew something fishy was going on, so I went through his phone in the middle of the night, one night. As soon as I opened it, there were two new texts. I opened it up to a picture of some other female's ass. After a few weeks, much fighting, and much ado, I find out he has apparently been doing this for almost 10 months. Almost 1/2 of our relationship. All the while telling me to buy my dress, buy the invitations, pay the non refundable deposits for the reception site and ceremony site, coming to tastings with me, having me purchase the groomsmen outfits, having the girls order their dresses, having me spend almost $800 on our bridal party gifts. Etc, etc, etc. you get the point. By the end, I (well, my parents and i) were out a good $20K. Am I glad I found out before the wedding? Of course. Am I still pissed? You can bet your britches. Does he help me pay for anything (including the credit card bill he helped run up, or the car he had me cosign/be the main signee for? Of course not.

2) I get fired. For absolutely no reason at all, whatsoever. For the second time within a year. (which of course, in turn, makes me look like a terrible employee, and therefore, in the following months, makes it damn near impossible to get a job. For two reasons. One, I just got fired twice in a row. For two, I can't seem to work at one job for even a year.) but back to why I got fired. First, I must explain why I got hired. This particular restaurant had only been opened for maybe 4 months when I got there. They had already been through two GM's. They had yet to make a profit. Why, you may ask? They were only serving breakfast and lunch, only open 6 days a week, gave discounts to everyone under the sun, and paid 3 separate managers to work 6 am-3 pm. They brought me on to turn a profit. Plain and simple. I added a breakfast bar (cappuccino and espresso and pastries), I added dinner, and I started doing private events. I also cleaned up our downstairs area, hung tv's, and did a lot of marketing with the local hotels, and downtown businesses. Anyways, after about 6 months (as I was promised that if I completed all of these things, and if we started making money), I was terminated. The only explanation that I got was that the owner wanted to "go in a different direction." they gave me a months severance pay, and sent me on my way. I had never received any verbal or written warnings or write-ups. Just, ok, thanks for doing all the hard stuff. Now we are done with you.

3) not a week or so after that, my bridesmaids and I decided to continue our plans and go on my bachelorette trip, even though I wasn't getting married. We called it the "cheaper than a divorce" party. The very first thing i do, is give every girl their present for being in the wedding that they were now not going to be in - a personalized (by them, and therefore every pair was different) pair of Chuck Taylor tennis shoes. Each pair cost between $70-80 apiece, plus tax. But I still wanted them to have them. After getting off to a rough start, and me having to personally drive, and on top of that, drive my own 2004 car (for excuses such as "only my dad can take out my child's car seat" in a brand new accord, or " we won't be comfortable in my car bc it's too small" in a two door, almost new car, we left. In the oldest car of the 4. While noone else offered to help drive. The weekend went relatively well. Obviously, when you put 4 females alone together for 48 hours, something is bound to happen. But like I said ... It was mostly good. I wanted everyone to be happy, and get to do what they wanted to do, and they did, except for one thing. The only thing I put my foot down on ( and I wouldn't even say it like that, bc that's not how it happened), was that I didn't want to go to the City Museum. Yes, of museums, this is the least "museum-like," but it was still a bachelorette party, and the goal was to get out of Memphis, spend time together and have fun. I felt like we had gotten to do this, and I didn't want to do to a museum an hour before they closed, and pay $15 to get in. We had some issues with the hotel (which I solved, and even ended up getting the hotel room for free). But even after I had paid my own way through the whole weekend (which, let's admit ... Code and etiquette says I was not supposed to do, however I did not have a problem doing, and gotten the hotel room for free, I had people that were bitching about pitching in to pay for gas money. Really?!?!?! WTF?!?!? Then, as we are driving home, one of the girls attempts to confiscate my phone from me (because I am driving and looking at pictures, and it was so unsafe). Not offer to drive. Just steal my phone, like I am a 3 y/o. Then, when we got home, some actions occurred by the two girls I've known the longest ... Since the 6th grade. So, about 15 Years. I was told how selfish I was, how all we did was what I wanted to do, etc, etc. and then they promptly left. And I haven't talked to either of them since that day in mid June.

4) After my fiance and I had broken up, i had a friend and her son move in with me. I had worked with her for a while, and thought I knew her relatively well, and she didn't have anywhere else to go. So I thought I was doing what was right. But as a roommate, she never cleaned. She hardly ever did the dishes. She YELLED at her son to go to sleep, at ALL hours of the night. And she thought that because she had an EBT card, and helped buy groceries, (emphasis on the world helped, because it was still 95% her and her sons), that all she had to buy was food. For the longest, she didn't even buy her own toilet paper. And I'm about 99% sure that the entire time she lived here, the only thing she ever bought was laundry detergent (and that was about 1/2 way through). She NEVER bought drier sheets, paper towels, dishwasher soap, trash bags, or anything like that. ..... we will revisit her later.

5) my Mom and I go on my "Mommy-moon." that just kinda was what it was. Towards the end of it, out of nowhere, my OTHER fiance from like 6 or 7 years ago, that I havent said a single word to, in over 5 years, finds me on facebook, and randomly sends me a message, asking me how I am. We proceed to catch up, he tells me he has gone to rehab, has had a son, is in school ... all sorts of things. It seems as though he has finally gotten his shit together. When I get home, we get together and hang out (as friends). We realize that we still care about each other, and the reasons that I was forced to break up with him, he has seemingly fixed, so we try to give this whole thing another shot. Things started off almost perfectly, between us. And, I fell in love with his son the exact moment that I met him. However, the roomate preferred the all female style house. That's when trouble started brewing. My medicine started disappearing. My money started disappearing. Roomate started being a super bitch. Obviously roommate started causing a rift b/w boyfriend and myself, not to mention that he wasn't quite as "remade" as he made himself out to be. After the second time my medicine was gone, I had to file a police report, or my dr (a pain management OBGYN) wouldn't see me anymore. As soon as I called the police, and they showed up, she flipped her lid, and pretty much kicked herself out of the house. Then, she started sending me threatening text messages, such as "dumb bitch, you better watch your back," and things of that nature. Therefore, I was forced to get a restraining order against her. As for the boyfriend, even after she left, money and pills still ended up missing. His only excuses were that I "must have spent it somewhere and I dont remember" and that "I either hid it from myself, or I took 22 pills, and just don't remember." Now, I don't know if he thinks I'm a complete moron, or what, exactly makes him think I'm going to believe some bologna like that, but out the door, he went to. While his excuse to his family was, "She just thinks she's too good for everybody. No one is good enough for her."

6) Admist all of this, my father (who was worried about me dating him again, due to what happened the last time we were together) pretty much gave me the ultimatum of, I either choose him and the rest of my family, or I choose someone who could potentially BE my family, when the rest of my family is dead. Insert decision of a lifetime.

7) And, then there are the reasons why I will randomly tell you that I am having a bad day, or I don't feel good. For those of you that don't know much about me, or much about these words that I'm about to use, here goes:

a) I have endometriosis. I have had it as long as I can remember. The dr's have been wanting me to have a hysterectomy since I was about 23. I've had surgery twice, and gone through fake menopause twice. I'm hoping to have surgery again before the end of the year. And I've decided to try to have a child on my own in 2014. If it doesn't happen by then, I'll go on and take it out, and go the adoption route. But, here's info on endo:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/endometriosis/DS00289
b) I have lupus. Incredibly bad joint pain and stiffness, headaches, memory loss. If I do too much, too fast, without any break, anywhere in the middle, or I forget to take my medicine, I am worthless. I might as well find somewhere, anywhere to just go on and lay down, because I'm going to go to sleep. In bed, in the office, on the floor wherever I am ... it doesn't matter.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/lupus/DS00115
c) severe migraines. We're talking about the kind of migraines where you can hear every sound. Like the leaves rustling in the backyard. And the cars driving down the road. And the dog breathing. And your watch ticking. But you hear them all at once. And any slight bit of light, makes your head hurt even more. Put the two together, and you are running to the bathroom to throw up. That's why my bedroom is painted DARK purple, and the only two windows have wooden slat blinds that STAY closed, AND curtains over the blinds. It's like a cave.
d) Irritable Bowel Syndrome - caused by stress and all the meds
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/irritable-bowel-syndrome/DS00106
e) panic attacks, OCD, arthritis ... you know ... only about 1/2 of the medical dictionary.



So ... that's me. that's my life. that's why i bitch and moan sometimes. errr ...a lot.