To my future daughter/neices/all single women ... and those guys that are just nosey

There will be many different types of men in your life ... and many different types of love. And I encourage you to experience them all as you grow up. I encourage you to find someone whom you love so fiercely, with such raw emotion and passion that you don't even know how to describe it or what to do with yourself. And then when it ends, and your heart is shattered into a million pieces, I want you to know that you WILL find the strength and courage to continue on, and you WILL still find love again. It will be a different, and better kind of love. Possibly not as earth-shattering, but equally as important and even more fulfilling. And as you age, and mature, you will learn that you don't actually WANT that earth-shattering, heart-breaking, gut-wrenching kind of love. You will learn that stability, consistency, respect, and loyalty are quite possibly the sexiest qualities you can find in a man. And they can be just as toe-curling as a really steamy romp in the bedroom. When you find that one person that can honestly be your EVERYTHING - your soul-mate, your best friend, your lover, your partner-in-crime, your strength in your time of weakness ... THAT will be "the one." But I also encourage you to have your experiences with each one of your loves, as you are growing up, before you find "the one" that you decide will become your happily ever after. Because I don't know that it's ever truly possible to really appreciate the real thing, without having first experienced heartbreak. I know that I, personally, had two people that I would have sworn to you at the time, that I was going to marry. And two people (one was the same as the aforementioned) that we just ALWAYS had perfect ... chemisty **wink,wink** And that one person who was in both categories, I was six weeks from walking down the aisle with. And then ... I found out he had been cheating on me. For a year. That's right, girls ... a year. As in, the entire time we had been planning the wedding. I say all this to say ... when you find that "special someone" that everything is ssssooooo perfect, and you have SsssOoooo much chemistry, and you are SO in love, and your heart beats a bajillion miles an hour, and everything seems like the perfect fairy tale ... enjoy it. Please ... enjoy it! It's part of your youth, and you will have an amazing time for as long as it lasts. Mine was about two years. But ladies ... he is NOT "the one." "The one" makes your heart flutter in a different way. He will be your best friend. Instead of saying "I want to go to this party/concert/game" he will say "let's go to this family event/come meet my brother/sister/parents/etc". Instead of saying will you buy me ______, he will bring you home a little special something, "just because." Instead of complaining about what's wrong with him or how he doesn't feel good, he will ask about your day, how you're doing, and ask if you've eaten. When you make dinner, he might help you. With my parents, they joke that my dad is my mom's sous chef. At my house, it doesn't matter what I make, but no matter what I make, the response is always, "Thanks baby, that was SO good." You're going to eat it, you're going to like it, and you're going to be appreciative of it. The joke at my house is "I could make fried dog turds, and you would eat it." So, like I said earlier ... stability, consistency, respect, and loyalty. Loyalty is pretty self explanatory. You should be the only person in your signficant other's love life. You should know that. You should FEEL like it. You should never have any reason to question it. If there is reason for doubt, you need to address it. Because if he is doing something that makes you feel like there could be someone else, and I know this feeling all too well ... it will haunt you. It will keep you up at night. You will lose sleep. And with me, it made me feel like everyone else knew a secret, and I was the punch-line of the joke. You deserve better than to ever feel like this. You must demand it. And no matter what, stay true to yourself. Respect. You must first respect yourself, and then you must demand it from everyone else. If you don't first respect yourself, then the second is impossible. But once the first is accomplished, then the second should automatically follow. But if he doesn't respect you, then no amount of love will be able to fix this. Consistency. I could set a clock by my hubby's routine, and by our routine in the morning. And you know what? That is incredibly comforting. Because it let's me know that there's no "funny business" going on. And I know that he is always going to call and let me know if something is going to change with the schedule. I always know that he is safe, and where he is, and therefore I don't have to worry. If and when the schedule and/or the consistency changes ... THAT'S when I would start to worry. Appreciation. This one is the most amusing to me. Because men always want to have their egos stroked, and hear about how wonderful and amazing they are, and want us to thank them for everything, etc etc. They want to be spoiled, and have us cater to their every wimb, and treat them like the king of the castle. Likewise, they get their panties in a wad when they do something for us, and we don't acknowledge or thank them for it. "Hey, did you see that I unloaded the dishwasher?" (What he means is, "Hey, don't you see that I unloaded the dishwasher?!?! Aren't you going to tell me what a great job I did, and thank me for it?" And what you really want to say is, "Congratulations! I do the dishes the other 364 days out the year ... you never thank ME for doing them! LOL") So it's a fine line ... appreciation, that is. Because men often forget to thank us for all of the things we do. Or maybe we are just more sensitive, and we want to be appreciated just as much as they do. I read once, that the reason that men don't acknowledge and verbally thank us (women), is because that would be acknowledging that they "need" our help, and they don't want to acknowledge that they "need" anyone's help, because they are "so superior and can do anything by themselves" (kind of like the whole "We don't ask for directions" thing). But that doesn't change the fact that we still want to be appreciated and we want them to verbally acknowledge all of the sweet and thoughtful things that we do for them. However, the truth of the matter is ... we will probably just never get that to the extent that we really want. So we're much better off simply knowing and accepting that fact, and blaming it on "asking for directions," then we are dwelling on it. So, girls, I leave you with this ... love. Love hard, love freely, and keep an open mind and an open heart. One day, after you've experienced love, and a broken heart, and you've put it back together with super-glue and duct tape (maybe even missing a few pieces) ... you will find "the one." But "the one" will look a lot more like "the boy next door" than Prince Charming. Honey ... Prince Charming was the one you almost married. He knew all the right things to say, and he knew exactly what you wanted to hear. That's how he got away with everything for so long. But "the boy next door" ... he will be your best friend over everything else. He's your fairy tale ending and your happily every after.

You can glue a broken plate back together, but it's never the same.

How I've always felt about you. And still do.

It's funny to me, how the first way I say that I knew that I loved you was the first time I saw your rage. I say that because I felt like it was because you were going to make Memphis and Chop get along, because they HAD to. Because they were going to be together forever. Because it made me feel protected. Like you would always protect me.

Little did I know, that half a year later ... after broken picture frames, and broken mirrors ... broken plates, and holes in the walls ... holes in the doors, and holes in my heart ... after you had me crying and wishing I could crawl away into one of your holes in the wall ... or sitting on the couch trying to be as still and quiet as I could, hoping not to bring out the demon inside you ... little did I know that that same rage that made me love you, would be brought against me.

As messed up as it all is ... I still love you. And I don't know if it's because I know who are, or if it's because I know who you COULD be. I don't know if it's because I just fell in love with all of the broken promises, or all of the perfect things you told me. I don't know if it's because we both just wanted someone to come home to at night. But I made you a promise so early on, and I never broke it. A promise that I would never give up on you. Even when you put holes in the walls of our house, and instead of fixing them, you just covered them up instead of taking the time to actually FIX them, I never gave up on you. And even when you picked up Chop off of me and threw him across the room, to make me get out of bed, I still never gave up on you. Even when you pulled me up off of the couch by my shirt, choking me, I still never gave up on you. Even now that you're gone, I still am trying every way I know how, to get you to understand ... I never gave up on you. You did. You gave up on yourself, you gave up on me, and you gave up on us. You gave up on "now and forever more." You gave up on our family. You gave up on a promise that you made me, that you would never leave, and that you would always make it work. And even if you still don't want us to be together, that's fine. But I still need you to know ... I NEVER GAVE UP ON YOU.

But I lied to you in the beginning. About something trivial (at least, to me). We won't mention anything you did, because apparently what I did was all that mattered, and everything you did not matter one bit. And ever since then, you didn't believe anything I said. You didn't see anything I did. You never saw that I worked on the days I could barely get out of bed. You never saw all the days that I woke up on my days off, just to wake you up, or bring you coffee in bed. All you saw were the things I DIDN'T do. The days you didn't have the "right" clean underwear. Or the days you had to walk to the dryer to get clean socks. You never washed a single dish the entire time you lived here. You didn't even know where anything WAS in the kitchen. You didn't think about all the times I could have gone and spent my money on myself, and done something I wanted to do. But instead, I spent it on you. Something I knew you would like. On food. On tires. On clothes for you. On the kids. On anything BUT me. To you, it was just "my choice." And it was. But I could never mention that to you. Because then I was holding it over your head. And I didn't want to hold it over your head. I wanted you to realize, and acknowledge, that you had the best thing you ever had. That you had someone that truly cared more about you than they cared about themselves. Because that's when you know you have the relationship you're supposed to be in forever. That's called selfLESS love - putting the other person first. But in our relationship, we BOTH put you first. And that's not fair. And that's why we would always fight. Because even when we would disagree about something, whenever I started to talk ... you just wanted to hear yourself speak.

I promised you I wouldn't call the police. Why in the WORLD do you think I begged Kevin all day to come??? And as far as why I even said I wanted you to leave in the FIRST place ... #1) You said you were leavin anyway. Did I want you to? Hell no. Of course not. I love you, and I want/wanted us to work it out. I thought we needed some time apart ... maybe you stay at your mom's for a week or something ... I don't know. #2) B ... the minute you put your hands on me, things changed. And the more I thought about it, the more things had escalated. And you keep saying that it was me, and that I had made you do it, but I didn't make you do anything. I was in bed trying to sleep, and you would come in there once every hour being mad about something else. I wasn't even WITH you, and you kept coming in there TO ME! I'm sorry, but yes. I WAS scared to be around you by myself. Until you had cooled off, I WAS SCARED. And I have every valid right to feel that way. And trust me ... I told Betsy a thousand times that I wasn't calling the cops. WHY? BECAUSE I love you, BECAUSE I wasn't trying to cause any trouble, and BECAUSE I didn't want to get you in trouble. Read everything I said to Kevin. That's the exact same thing I told him! But if she never told me that she was even going to, until after she did ... I'm sorry, but I don't know how you think I am supposed to control someone's actions who isn't anywhere around me, about something I don't even know she's doing.

So many things keep running through my head. You probably never even loved me. We were probably never even GOING to get married. You were probably just using me the whole time. Nobody could ever PHYSICALLY hurt the person they love, and then just walk away, and never talk to them again. It's just not that easy. And not even want to know why they told them to leave? Or even care? Not possible. And if you CAN walk away, and have zero interest in talking to them about absolutely nothing ... not care that they racked up $25,000 in credit cards in the six months you were together, plus YOUR car, and you want to take it ALL with you, but not pay for it, or even TALK about how it's going to get paid ... clearly you just don't care. So the question remains ... why do I care?

For the record ... I WAS serious about getting married. When I said I wanted to write our own vows, I actually did ... So here they are:

I know we found each other a little bit later in life ... But if I could do it all over again, I would choose you every single time. I would wait another ten years, if it meant I would still get to spend the rest of my life with you. Now that I have you in my life, I know that each day will be a happy, exciting, adventurous, and peaceful one. You make me heart and soul smile, in a way that it never has before. I want to thank you with all of my heart for making the last year the best year of my life, thus far. It was in 2015, that we met, that we became closer, and that we finally began to understand one another. And I know that this year, and every other year of my life, will bring me even more happiness, as long as you are by my side each and every moment. I promise that I will always continue to not only tell you, but to SHOW you, how much I love you. That you are the most important person in my life. That I will always put your wants and needs before my own. I look forward to many, many more amazing years with you by my side. I wish you all of the happiness in the world, my dear handsome amazing partner, in our life to come. You are, and always will be, the pillar of my strength. You are my strength. You are my rock. I will never stop looking up to you. I look up to you in times of conflict, and I will stand behind you to keep your feet firm. I will always support you, and I will never, EVER give up on you. You are my forever.

I know that everything you do, you do for our family. And you do things every day that make me even more proud of you than I thought I could ever be. Every time I look at you, I know that I am marrying the right man. I know that I have finally found the one person who has learned to accept me for who I am. Who loves me for everything I have to offer him. I know that I will be spending the rest of my life with my best friend. When I look in your eyes, I am home. When I look in your heart, I know I have found my true love. In your soul, I have finally found my mate. With you, I am finally whole. I'm full, and alive. You make me laugh. You're my rock. You are what keeps me going every day. You are what inspires me. What are the magic in my days. You make me laugh, and you teach me the meaning of love. You keep me at peace. You provide a safe place for my heart, unlike anywhere I've ever known. You are more of an amazement to me every single day.

I love you. Today and every day. And no matter what happens ... no matter the argument, no matter what problems we face ... I vow to you that I will be willing to put in the effort to fix it. I always told you ... I will be getting married once, and it will be for the rest of my life. And like you've always said ... You're stuck with me forever. I am yours and you are mine. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and every other day. Until the day we die.

You planted a seed in me

You planted a seed in me You probably don't even know what all those few words meant that first day Or what all I felt when I heard you say All you did was let me know when I went to reach for my own chopsticks And tell me that you had already gotten some for me You said, "What? You've never had anybody treat you like that?" And I've never really thought about it like you did, Or looked into it the that way But as we were eating, and you put your hand on my knee You asked if it was ok. I was blown away. I didn't know what to say. I just smiled. And nodded. And in my heart, I knew I liked this guy. And then the more I spent time with you, the more I began to learn That that very first day, you had planted a seed in my heart. And that seed of love had begun to grow. Because every day, so very fast, I had started to care for you more and more. And the more I knew about you, the more I loved you. And then you came here. And when you come to bed every night, Naked, and raw, and as pure as can be ... It's the same way as how you love me. Your love is pure and raw. No bull shit. No make-up and frills. And that's exactly what I want, and exactly why I love you. Along with a list 20 miles long of other things. You planted a seed in me. And now our love is naked, pure, and raw. One day our seed will grow to be the biggest and most beautiful Magnolia tree in someone's neighborhood. And there will be a crazy leaf lady neighbor that won't like it, and that will want to cut it down. But because it will be so strong, and rooted, and firm, and unshakeable ... It won't go anywhere. Because our love is pure, naked, and raw. Rooted, firm, and unshakeable. They say the Pisces not only want to find their lover, but their Spiritual mate, their best friend, and their eternal soul mate. They say that's why it takes so many of us so long To find "the one." Because we are continually searching for the one that fate has set in store for us. The one who is meant to be our Happily Ever After. Our "eternal soul mate." I've found it all. I have Found MY ALL. In you. YOU are my everything. You are my seed. You are my naked, raw, unbridled, pure, passionate, eternal love that I have been searching for. You are my best friend, and you can be my worst enemy, for it is only you that knows my faults so well. You are my lover, and my Mr Grey. You are my companion, and he whom I would choose over everyone else to do ANYTHING with. You are my other half. For when I am weak, you are strong. When I cannot find the words, you speak for me. When I am overbearing, you sit back and listen. And when I want to nurture you, you sit back and let me. You are my heart and my soul. My heart beats in YOUR chest. For if you weren't here, I don't know what I would do. You are the reason I wake in the mornings, and I can't sleep until I hear your breathing change and I know you're asleep. When you planted that seed ... You became my world.

Being in love with you means ...

1) you're my best friend.

2) my confidant.

3) you're my sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray.

4) I will always be honest with you. I will never lie or deceive you. I couldn't, even if I tried.

5) I want to do anything and everything I can to help you. To make your day and life easier. Bc when you're happy, it makes me happy.

6) you're my lover. But it's more than that ... Read the lyrics to Ludacris' "Nasty Girl"

7) that I accept both of our pasts for what they are, and even appreciate them. Bc if it weren't for what we both came from, we wouldn't be together today. Our past made us who we are now. They taught us more than we could ever know. And a huge part of how we communicate with one another is based off of what we each learned in our past failed relationships.

8) I always be in your corner. I will always be on your side. I will always be on your team, and cheering you on. And even when I think you're wrong or i disagree with you ... No one will know but me and you ... But I will tell you as respectfully as I can, and I will tell you why.

9) you will never be hungry. And if you are, I'll be hungry with you, and it will be bc were at a really terrible time in our life. But I will be right by your side through it all.

10) you'll be the Clyde to my Bonnie.

11) we will fall off the couch, laughing in our underwear, every time you get a Charlie horse.

12) I'll always wake you up, every morning, with a cup of coffee ... Or something better ;)

13) we will make time for fun things every once n a while, like concerts or going out of town. Bc sometimes, we just deserve to have a little fun.

14) I'll never take you for granted. And I will always do everything within my power to make you as happy as you make me. Each and every day.

15) you complete me. I know it seems cliche and terrible. I know I'm not supposed to say things like that. I know that I am supposed to be "enough" on my own, and all of these other things ... And Lord knows that I have been there and done all of those things too. We both have. But when I just sit and think of all I could ever want in life ... What am I lacking that I CANNOT give myself ... It's you. You're the person by my side, that I can always talk to. The one that makes me smile when I'm having a bad day. The one I get to come home to every day. The one I get to go to bed with every night. The face I wake up to every morning. The voice the tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful. The hand that pulls my hair and grabs my ass. The eyes that watch over me, and can read my soul. YOU are everything I always needed but never knew I wanted. I didn't know how bad I needed you until you were here. And that's why everything is so different now. I am so different now. You'll never completely know who I was before, because I'll never completely be the same again. You've changed me. But I love so very much who I am today. I love this person because I love who I am when I'm with you.

Standing Up

We all know all of the typical quotes. Or quotations, if you really and truly want me to be grammatically correct.

"Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody is going to know whether you did it or not."

-Oprah Winfrey

"Nothing is at last sacred but the inegrity of your own mind."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul and a trait of a true coward. There is nothing intelligent about not standing up for yourself. You may not win every battle. However - everyone will at least know what you stood for - YOU!"

-Shannon L. Adler

"If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything."

Gordan A. Eadie

"Stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone."

Sophie Scholl

These quotes are all different ways of essentially saying the same thing. Always do what your heart leads you to do. Even when it's hard. Even when it goes against the grain. Even when society may not want you to do it. Even when you may not have anyone by your side. Because when you genuinely know, in your heart of hearts, that what you're doing is the right thing, then that will always eventually come to light in the end ... whether your intentions are to protect the innocent in the future, or to help bring justice to the guilty in the present. It is not our right, as people, to judge ANYone. That is God's right, alone. However, it IS our right to help protect our fellow brothers and sisters. And if we do not speak up and bring these situations to light that need to be spoken about, and continue to avoid them, or sweep them under the rug, so to say, then our world will continue to become more and more corrupt, and continue to become a worse and worse, and less safe place to raise OUR children. We must stand up for what we KNOW is right. And refuse to accept anything less!

So ... I know right about now, you are all wondering what in the craw-fish I'm talking about and/or referring to. Well ... As one of the quotations says above ... I'm not writing all of this so that everyone knows WHY I am doing what I'm doing. If you should come to find out, well, then good for you. You know. Just know that the REASON I am doing is NOT because of me. It is so that it will not happen to anyone else. And if you DON'T know what I'm talking about, then that's just fine and dandy too ... because I still personally think that it's great advice ;)

So stand tall. Stand firm. And stand confident, in knowing that even if you are standing alone ... you are doing the right thing.

When the voice is only a faint whisper ...

For those of you that seem to be finding yourself in a place where you think you are lost, and you don't know what to do ... where you think things are hopeless ... let me tell you ... I've been there. It doesn't matter what the situation is. Has a person most near and dear to your heart died? Have you lost the love of your life, for one reason or another? Do you feel like everyone that you ever trusted, or that everyone you SHOULD be able to trust, has betrayed you in one way or another? Do you find it difficult to open up your heart to anyone else, due to these circumstances? Have you been plagued with illness, and wondered how you were ever going to be able to get yourself out of bed each day? Do you feel so alone in this world, that you wonder if anyone will ever come along to fill that void in your heart? Have you ever lost your job, and done everything you could to make ends meet? Raking leaves, cutting coupons, and transferring perscriptions from one pharmacy to another, just to get a few dollars to spend at that store? Have you lived off of food stamps? Worked 2 or 3 jobs at a time, just to make ends meet? Friends ... I've been there. Everything I just said ... I've been in each and every one of those situations. Lived through every single one of them.

You know that they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. They say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

There's the story about the person who had the terrible day, and then later asks God why everything went wrong.
He says, "God, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise."
"Why did you let so much stuff happen to me today? I mean ... I woke up late, my car took forever to start, at luch, they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait ... On the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call, and on top of it all, when I got home, I just wanted to soak my feet in my new foot massager and relax. But it wouldn't work! Nothing went right today!! Why did you do that?"
God answered, "Let me see ... the death angel was at your bed this morning, so I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. So I let you sleep through that. I didn't let your car start, because there was a drunk driver on your route, that would have hit you if you were on the road. The first person that made your sandwich today was sick, and I didn't want you to get whatever they had, because I knew you couldn't afford to miss work. Your phone went dead, because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, so I didn't even let you talk to them, so that you would be covered. Oh ... and that foot massager ... it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think that you wanted to be in the dark."
He responded, "I'm sorry God."
"Don't be sorry. Just learn to trust me. In all things - the good times and in the bad."
"I will trust you."
"And don't doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan."

Now while everything said above is true ... and it's true, that God won't give us more than we can handle ... that doesn't mean that we won't struggle with it. And sometimes, we won't just automatically know what we are supposed to do. It doesn't mean that there won't be hard. There will be times that we have to fight tooth and nail. And even when we try SO hard to listen, and try to hear what God is telling us to do, or what the right thing is to do ... sometimes that voice is just a faint whisper. Sometimes we have to simply trust our instincts, and figure that out for ourselves. Sometimes we have to push ourselves to go outside of our comfort zone, and try something that maybe we don't know if we are ready for. Something we might not have done before. Sometimes we have to take a chance. And sometimes, we might fail. But sometimes ... taking that chance will be the greatest thing that ever happens to us. And if we don't ever take that chance, we would have never known what the world was like, on the other side of that mountain we had to climb. It's like a rainbow, after a stormy rain. Even though the sun hasn't quite come out from behind the clouds, the rain has stopped, and you begin to see the rainbow. And sometimes ... that one brave soul will follow that rainbow to the other end, to reach the pot of gold. And that's the person that reaps the biggest reward. That person that takes the biggest risk, is the one that gets the biggest benefit. But it's not without challeneges. It's not without facing fears. It's not without staring adversity in the face. But sometimes in life ... to get what we want, we have to stand up against what may seem uncomfortable. What may seem scary. What may seem different, or what we think could have the potential to hurt us. Because sometimes ... it just might be worth it.

beyond my level of comprehension

things i will never understand ...

ill never understand why ...

you would leave the one person you have ever truly been in love with, in order to attempt to settle for someone else that you know you won't be happy with, no matter what the justification.

any self-respecting woman would tolerate being with a man, KNOWING full well that he is in love with another woman.  regardless of any delusional fantasies she has that he still might have some inkling of desire to be with her.  regardless of any games that she is playing, and just the fact that she doesn't want him to be happy without her, therefore he simply must be with her instead.  SOME part of her knows that he is in love with me.  And that will never make sense to me.

how you can just completely turn off ALL emotions.  even those towards me.  How you can just leave for a week, come back, and seem to just not care about me at all.  I know you do.  Because when you sit down in front of me, and talk, you break down.  And I know that's why you are ignoring me.  And I know that's why you HAVE to shut down.  So you're capable of doing what you think is best.  I just don't know how you can do it.  I don't know WHY you do it.  I don't know why you're so dead set on leaving.  I don't know why you're so dead set on thinking this is what's best for the kids.  I disagree.  SO wholeheartedly.  This will, without a doubt, be the biggest disagreement we have for the rest of our lives.  And, yes, I say it like that, because I refuse to believe that the rest of our lives is over.  We care too much about one another for it to be over.  I'll continue to talk to a brick wall, and share my opinions, and be the loud, obnoxious, opinionated, stubborn girl that YOU fell in love with.  But I'm not giving up on you.  I care too much about you, and too much about us, to just roll over.  So ... as you think ... or don't think, as you be with her ... ok ... i'm not going to think about that, because it makes me want to throw up.  Let's start over.  So ... as you think, and spend time with the kids, and hopefully realize what I'm telling you about there being ways that we can spend just as much, or at least, ALMOST as much, but more QUALITY time with the kids ... TOGETHER ... until you realize that ... i will continue talking your brick wall.  And enduring the pain of you ignoring me everyday.  I'll bear that burden for us for now.  Just spend time with the kids.  Because that's what you need the most in your life.

I love you.  As always.