Being in love with you means ...

1) you're my best friend.

2) my confidant.

3) you're my sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray.

4) I will always be honest with you. I will never lie or deceive you. I couldn't, even if I tried.

5) I want to do anything and everything I can to help you. To make your day and life easier. Bc when you're happy, it makes me happy.

6) you're my lover. But it's more than that ... Read the lyrics to Ludacris' "Nasty Girl"

7) that I accept both of our pasts for what they are, and even appreciate them. Bc if it weren't for what we both came from, we wouldn't be together today. Our past made us who we are now. They taught us more than we could ever know. And a huge part of how we communicate with one another is based off of what we each learned in our past failed relationships.

8) I always be in your corner. I will always be on your side. I will always be on your team, and cheering you on. And even when I think you're wrong or i disagree with you ... No one will know but me and you ... But I will tell you as respectfully as I can, and I will tell you why.

9) you will never be hungry. And if you are, I'll be hungry with you, and it will be bc were at a really terrible time in our life. But I will be right by your side through it all.

10) you'll be the Clyde to my Bonnie.

11) we will fall off the couch, laughing in our underwear, every time you get a Charlie horse.

12) I'll always wake you up, every morning, with a cup of coffee ... Or something better ;)

13) we will make time for fun things every once n a while, like concerts or going out of town. Bc sometimes, we just deserve to have a little fun.

14) I'll never take you for granted. And I will always do everything within my power to make you as happy as you make me. Each and every day.

15) you complete me. I know it seems cliche and terrible. I know I'm not supposed to say things like that. I know that I am supposed to be "enough" on my own, and all of these other things ... And Lord knows that I have been there and done all of those things too. We both have. But when I just sit and think of all I could ever want in life ... What am I lacking that I CANNOT give myself ... It's you. You're the person by my side, that I can always talk to. The one that makes me smile when I'm having a bad day. The one I get to come home to every day. The one I get to go to bed with every night. The face I wake up to every morning. The voice the tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful. The hand that pulls my hair and grabs my ass. The eyes that watch over me, and can read my soul. YOU are everything I always needed but never knew I wanted. I didn't know how bad I needed you until you were here. And that's why everything is so different now. I am so different now. You'll never completely know who I was before, because I'll never completely be the same again. You've changed me. But I love so very much who I am today. I love this person because I love who I am when I'm with you.

Standing Up

We all know all of the typical quotes. Or quotations, if you really and truly want me to be grammatically correct.

"Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody is going to know whether you did it or not."

-Oprah Winfrey

"Nothing is at last sacred but the inegrity of your own mind."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul and a trait of a true coward. There is nothing intelligent about not standing up for yourself. You may not win every battle. However - everyone will at least know what you stood for - YOU!"

-Shannon L. Adler

"If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything."

Gordan A. Eadie

"Stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone."

Sophie Scholl

These quotes are all different ways of essentially saying the same thing. Always do what your heart leads you to do. Even when it's hard. Even when it goes against the grain. Even when society may not want you to do it. Even when you may not have anyone by your side. Because when you genuinely know, in your heart of hearts, that what you're doing is the right thing, then that will always eventually come to light in the end ... whether your intentions are to protect the innocent in the future, or to help bring justice to the guilty in the present. It is not our right, as people, to judge ANYone. That is God's right, alone. However, it IS our right to help protect our fellow brothers and sisters. And if we do not speak up and bring these situations to light that need to be spoken about, and continue to avoid them, or sweep them under the rug, so to say, then our world will continue to become more and more corrupt, and continue to become a worse and worse, and less safe place to raise OUR children. We must stand up for what we KNOW is right. And refuse to accept anything less!

So ... I know right about now, you are all wondering what in the craw-fish I'm talking about and/or referring to. Well ... As one of the quotations says above ... I'm not writing all of this so that everyone knows WHY I am doing what I'm doing. If you should come to find out, well, then good for you. You know. Just know that the REASON I am doing is NOT because of me. It is so that it will not happen to anyone else. And if you DON'T know what I'm talking about, then that's just fine and dandy too ... because I still personally think that it's great advice ;)

So stand tall. Stand firm. And stand confident, in knowing that even if you are standing alone ... you are doing the right thing.

When the voice is only a faint whisper ...

For those of you that seem to be finding yourself in a place where you think you are lost, and you don't know what to do ... where you think things are hopeless ... let me tell you ... I've been there. It doesn't matter what the situation is. Has a person most near and dear to your heart died? Have you lost the love of your life, for one reason or another? Do you feel like everyone that you ever trusted, or that everyone you SHOULD be able to trust, has betrayed you in one way or another? Do you find it difficult to open up your heart to anyone else, due to these circumstances? Have you been plagued with illness, and wondered how you were ever going to be able to get yourself out of bed each day? Do you feel so alone in this world, that you wonder if anyone will ever come along to fill that void in your heart? Have you ever lost your job, and done everything you could to make ends meet? Raking leaves, cutting coupons, and transferring perscriptions from one pharmacy to another, just to get a few dollars to spend at that store? Have you lived off of food stamps? Worked 2 or 3 jobs at a time, just to make ends meet? Friends ... I've been there. Everything I just said ... I've been in each and every one of those situations. Lived through every single one of them.

You know that they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. They say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

There's the story about the person who had the terrible day, and then later asks God why everything went wrong.
He says, "God, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise."
"Why did you let so much stuff happen to me today? I mean ... I woke up late, my car took forever to start, at luch, they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait ... On the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call, and on top of it all, when I got home, I just wanted to soak my feet in my new foot massager and relax. But it wouldn't work! Nothing went right today!! Why did you do that?"
God answered, "Let me see ... the death angel was at your bed this morning, so I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. So I let you sleep through that. I didn't let your car start, because there was a drunk driver on your route, that would have hit you if you were on the road. The first person that made your sandwich today was sick, and I didn't want you to get whatever they had, because I knew you couldn't afford to miss work. Your phone went dead, because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, so I didn't even let you talk to them, so that you would be covered. Oh ... and that foot massager ... it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think that you wanted to be in the dark."
He responded, "I'm sorry God."
"Don't be sorry. Just learn to trust me. In all things - the good times and in the bad."
"I will trust you."
"And don't doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan."

Now while everything said above is true ... and it's true, that God won't give us more than we can handle ... that doesn't mean that we won't struggle with it. And sometimes, we won't just automatically know what we are supposed to do. It doesn't mean that there won't be hard. There will be times that we have to fight tooth and nail. And even when we try SO hard to listen, and try to hear what God is telling us to do, or what the right thing is to do ... sometimes that voice is just a faint whisper. Sometimes we have to simply trust our instincts, and figure that out for ourselves. Sometimes we have to push ourselves to go outside of our comfort zone, and try something that maybe we don't know if we are ready for. Something we might not have done before. Sometimes we have to take a chance. And sometimes, we might fail. But sometimes ... taking that chance will be the greatest thing that ever happens to us. And if we don't ever take that chance, we would have never known what the world was like, on the other side of that mountain we had to climb. It's like a rainbow, after a stormy rain. Even though the sun hasn't quite come out from behind the clouds, the rain has stopped, and you begin to see the rainbow. And sometimes ... that one brave soul will follow that rainbow to the other end, to reach the pot of gold. And that's the person that reaps the biggest reward. That person that takes the biggest risk, is the one that gets the biggest benefit. But it's not without challeneges. It's not without facing fears. It's not without staring adversity in the face. But sometimes in life ... to get what we want, we have to stand up against what may seem uncomfortable. What may seem scary. What may seem different, or what we think could have the potential to hurt us. Because sometimes ... it just might be worth it.

beyond my level of comprehension

things i will never understand ...

ill never understand why ...

you would leave the one person you have ever truly been in love with, in order to attempt to settle for someone else that you know you won't be happy with, no matter what the justification.

any self-respecting woman would tolerate being with a man, KNOWING full well that he is in love with another woman.  regardless of any delusional fantasies she has that he still might have some inkling of desire to be with her.  regardless of any games that she is playing, and just the fact that she doesn't want him to be happy without her, therefore he simply must be with her instead.  SOME part of her knows that he is in love with me.  And that will never make sense to me.

how you can just completely turn off ALL emotions.  even those towards me.  How you can just leave for a week, come back, and seem to just not care about me at all.  I know you do.  Because when you sit down in front of me, and talk, you break down.  And I know that's why you are ignoring me.  And I know that's why you HAVE to shut down.  So you're capable of doing what you think is best.  I just don't know how you can do it.  I don't know WHY you do it.  I don't know why you're so dead set on leaving.  I don't know why you're so dead set on thinking this is what's best for the kids.  I disagree.  SO wholeheartedly.  This will, without a doubt, be the biggest disagreement we have for the rest of our lives.  And, yes, I say it like that, because I refuse to believe that the rest of our lives is over.  We care too much about one another for it to be over.  I'll continue to talk to a brick wall, and share my opinions, and be the loud, obnoxious, opinionated, stubborn girl that YOU fell in love with.  But I'm not giving up on you.  I care too much about you, and too much about us, to just roll over.  So ... as you think ... or don't think, as you be with her ... ok ... i'm not going to think about that, because it makes me want to throw up.  Let's start over.  So ... as you think, and spend time with the kids, and hopefully realize what I'm telling you about there being ways that we can spend just as much, or at least, ALMOST as much, but more QUALITY time with the kids ... TOGETHER ... until you realize that ... i will continue talking your brick wall.  And enduring the pain of you ignoring me everyday.  I'll bear that burden for us for now.  Just spend time with the kids.  Because that's what you need the most in your life.

I love you.  As always.

From SelfiSH to SelfLESS

So I'm sitting in the shower this morning. Having my thinking time. As I do every day. Today, my thoughts turn to how frustrated I am, by the fact that in my 30 years of life, I feel like all I have done is spent my life trying to make everyone else happy. And now what? I am 30 years old, and have seemingly nothing to show for it. So what did I decide? Screw this. I am going to live for me. I am going to say eff the rest of em, and just look out for me. Just do what makes me happy.

Immediately, God spoke to me, and said ... No, Ann. I made you this way for a reason. There is a reason that you are the way that I made you. I made you this way, because there aren't enough people that look out for others. Philippians 2:1-7 says,0 "So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,"

Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

I am supposed to continue being the person that I am. Continue doing everything that I can to make my friends and family and all of those around me happy. And eventually ... one day ... someone will come around that will do the same thing for me.

Aunt Ann

OK. i just need to vent about a few things real quickly. No. I have never been pregnant. i have never been through 9 1/2 months of carrying a child within myself, and going through the actual pains of childbirth (even though that I liken my pains of endometriosis to that of having contractions). So, no. I do not have children that are ACTUALLY my own. I do not have children that I have raised from day one, that live with me 24/7, and that I put up with 365 days a year. I will be the first person to admit that. I will also be the first person to tell you that I would cry from PURE JOY to see a plus sign, or two lines, or whatever other form of "positive" there is on that damn pee stick, to show that I AM pregnant, and would be able to experience all of these things. I want my own children. SO incredibly badly, that there is absolutely NO way that I can express it to you in mere words. none. whatsoever. there are ABSOLUTELY no words to express to you how badly I want children of my own.

However ... and this is a BIG however ... that does NOT mean that I do not know what I am talking about when I am talking about children. Why is that, do you ask? That is because, due to my love of children, I take my love for children to a level that most people would describe as ridiculous or extreme. The children of my best friends, those of whomever I am dating, and even those of my employees ... I treat as if they were my own. I have an entire baby room at my house - with a crib, a glider and ottoman, and a dresser. I have clothes, diapers, wipes, ointments, baby Tylenol, shampoo, bath mats, bath toys, a diaper bag, bottles, baby plates and silverware, food and snacks, and every possible other thing that you could imagine that any "typical parent" might need. I don't know how else to explain to you ... I LOVE KIDS. Everyone aforementioned ... their children have known me since they were in the womb. They all call me Aunt Ann. more than half of them come to my house on a REGULAR basis. 2 or 3 of them have lived with me for various amounts of time, and I have actually RAISED. I woke up with them i the middle of the night, I fed them 3 times a day plus snacks, I did nap time, I sang and rocked them to sleep, I clothed them, I changed the shitty diapers, I did bath time ... I. raised. them. They called me "mommy."

So for someone to tell me that I don't know what I am doing with a child, just because I didn't push one out of my vagina, or because there isn't one that lives in my house 24/7/365 ... I do actually take as an insult. because, quite frankly, I feel as though I'm a better mother than a pretty large percentage of those who have pushed that watermelon out of their vagina. It's just like when a mother adopts their child. Does that mean that they're not their mother? no. same thing here. Just because I didn't push a watermelon through a tennis ball doesn't mean that I don't know how to take care of a tiny human. It's about love. and intuition. and experience. And I can guarantee you one thing ... I have all three. Ask all of the mothers (or fathers, may it be the case), in my Facebook album entitled "My Kiddos."

that is all. end rant. F the rest of you that want to believe otherwise. quite frankly, i really just don't give a shit what you think. you can be as close minded as you want. but when we have to make a surprise stop at my house, because someone doesn't have something for their OWN child, and ... oh wait ... Aunt Ann does ... yeah. That's what I thought. Go fuck yourself.

When one week feels like 3 years ...

If one week is 7 days, therefore 24 hrs X 7 days, therefore 60 min X each hour, and 60 sec per min ... each week = 604,800 seconds in a week

If you say one week feels like 3 years, and one year is 52 weeks, that is 94,348,800 seconds in those theoretical three years.

There is a whole lot that you can cover in that amount of time. And if you consider that one week is the equivalent to three years, then one second is the approximate equivalent to 2.5 minutes. So you're definitely going at lightning speed. And while most of that is perfectly ok with you (albeit, insane to the rest of the world), there are still things left to be covered that there simply isn't enough time to have been covered yet.

Sure ... you can establish within 23 minutes that you've found your soulmate. That ONE person in the world that accepts you for who you are, and loves you no matter what. The one who makes your heart beat faster, and you can never stop thinking about. The one you trust your whole life with. The one you WANT to make a life with ... spend the rest of your life with. Make a family with.

You can easily (or relatively easily, for the purposes of this case)decide on all of the easy things. ie, if youre sure its right, when you move in, when you get married, when you start the family, what furniture to keep, move, etc, etc, etc

But there are so many things that are so much harder ... like accepting each other's baggage, and all that comes with it. Like the fact that I have been broken up with in terrible situations more than once ... and two of them, you are theoretically both of the two guys, rolled into one. Do I want to be jealous? Do I want to worry? Hell no. I don't want to think about this bull shit at ALL! But it's there. It's always there. I can never stop thinking about it. For one, yes, of course your son is the number one person in your entire life. And therefore his mother will be there, whether I like it or not, for the next 18 years. But you want to know the truth? I fucking hate it. Know why? Because I've been there. When mother and father sit there and text or call and talk incessantly, and it always "about the kids," and it's always "so important," and half the time it doesn't have to do with shit except mom trying to get back with dad, or one trying to piss off the other one, and I'm just supposed to sit there with a damn smile on my face like everything is fucking peachy? Well guess what? It's not. Know why? Because for one, I don't even know what the hell yall are talking about, and for two, the whole time I am feeling like she is more important than me. Not your son ... her. Because it isn't "ok, here's the deal with your son," and it's over. It's always some long drawn out hour or more conversation. And you, self admittedly, have stated that you "love us all equally" ... whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.

What else bothers me? sex. and you already know it, and you already know why. I think we've officially beat this subject to a dead horse.

Last but not least. This subject is the hardest for me to talk about, and will probably be the hardest for you to read. Your mom. Now am I trying to replace her? Hell no. My mother is my OWN best friend. Am I trying to tell you not to be there for her? Hell no. I know that she needs you to be there for her. But again, if we are discussing planning a life together ... then does not that make her MY mom too? OR are WE going quickly, but you and your MOM are on an entirely different level? Just like when we talked before. How to me, I am most important, but to her, she is most important. I'm not trying to take any mother/son time away from you and her. But I also don't want you to wait until 3 months before we're supposed to get married, when you finally decide to tell her. I don't want you to be living with me, but NOT be living with me, unless mother has given you the approval for the night. And I know a lot of this sound harsh. And I don't mean for it to sound that way. And that's why I haven't said any of it yet. Because there is no easy way to.

But then there is everything else:

1) how do we want to raise our children (crying, spanking, discipline, etc)

2) how many do we want?

3) how often and honest are we going to be?

4) when we get married, and even essentially now, seeing as we have supposedly already promised the rest of our lives to each other, at which point, the two people are to become one, why is it that I am "equally loved, along with 4 other people?"

5) how do we manage our finances? what is most important? bills? private school? going out?

we have both been through shitty relationships. and we have both very recently ended some. and we both are old enough that we have figured out exactly what we want. and to the best of both of our knowledge, that is each other. we want a family. we want marriage. we want people we can trust. we just want EACH OTHER! But we have to start doing more of your favorite word (communicating) and less of your favorite activity (ummm .... duh!), and make sure we are doing what we are both sure is right. And we know that we're doing everything we can, to make it the last time. for both of us.