When I'm With You ...

When I'm with you I feel at home When I'm with you, I feel such a peace about myself When I'm with you, I never feel alone When I'm with you, my heart and mind are at ease. When I'm with you, I know I have found my forever Knowing you are by my side, makes me happier than I could ever imagine I feel such a calm about myself that I never thought would happen We finally made it right, found our place, in each other, made it home. In your arms, or laying beside you I've never been more at ease Nothing has ever felt so right, Holding you so close, never wanting to let go I hold you next to me, I hold you so tight For I want time to stop in that moment For that moment is what my dreams are made of. We haven't always been perfect We haven't always done everything the right way But this time ... Right here, right now ... This time, I just know we're both here to stay. I will give you everything I have ... All that I am All I ask for in return, is you give me your love Your love, your faithfulness, your trust, all that you can To each other, we should have nothing to prove We already know that love exists Now ... Let's let our love prevail.

For those of you that are too damn nosey for your own good

Since there are apparently several of you that have nothing better to do than to read my facebook status's and posts, take your own opinion of what they may or may not mean, take your pre-conceived notion (or one-sided story) of what may or may not have happened to me in my life recently, and then go on and show my ex what I posted, along with whatever hyped up version of what you think it means ... Let me address a few things for you. 1) When I said "What's always crazy to me is when you finally realize that what you had all along was never real. You're not sure if you should be mad or laugh ... But one thing is for sure ... It makes it so much easier to just keep on rollin' ... #neverlookingback" ... It was after finding some of the following posts that he had made. Some of these were DURING the course of our relationship. Some of them were either the DAY we broke up, or during the week or two after we broke up. Now, please keep in mind, we broke up on Jan 13 (2 weeks ago). We were planning on getting married by the end of the month of this January (ie ... now). Now ... it is of my own personal opinion that if you are planning on marrying someone, obviously you care a LOT about them. So I, personally, feel that you wouldn't be thinking about other people ... certainly not WHILE you are together. Also, regardless of how the breakup went, it would make logical sense to me, that you wouldn't IMMEDIATELY be hitting on other women. But again ... maybe that's just me. But the post I made, was put up after seeing that he had made the following comments on various women's pictures on various social media sites. All were made either throughout our relationship, or just recently, right after our breakup ... 1) Person #1 "Astonishingly Gorgeous Lady" 5 days ago 2) "Very Beautiful" 4 weeks ago 3) Person #2 "Very Gorgeous Lady" 3 days ago 4) "Gorgeous ladies!" 2 days ago 5) Person #3 "Naturally Gorgeous" 6 days ago 6) "Wow! #model" 2 weeks ago 7) Person #4 - her to him "Who forgot to call ? Xoxo Hmmm" 20 weeks ago 8) Person #5 "Beautiful!" 24 weeks ago 9) Person #6 Supermodel!" 22 weeks ago 10) "So Naturally Beautiful" 30 weeks ago 11) Person #7 "Wow" 27 weeks ago 12) "Shhhhhhh gorgeous" 27 weeks ago 13) "Wow sexiness" 27 weeks ago 14) "Beautiful" 27 weeks ago 15) "Damn it Bobby!" 27 weeks ago 16) Person #8 "Astoundingly Naturally Gorgeous #WORDSDOYOUNOJUSTICE" 3 weeks ago 17) Person #9 "Gorgeous" 7 weeks ago - I would post more, but honestly, I just don't feel like spending any more time finding them. These are just a few from the profiles that aren't even private ... which just goes to show how many more there are, where those came from. 2) The second thing I would like to address, is why I have made so many comments regarding social media, and why I feel that it is the downfall of relationships. That, and how I feel that relationships seem to no longer be able to have the focus of monogamy. I feel that the above listings firmly show some data to support that logic. Along with that, throughout our relationship, we continually argued over one particular friend that I had ... and we never spoke often. And when we did, all it was, was a few texts. We never hung out, the entire time we were together. However, apparently, it was a REALLY big problem that he was my "friend" on social media, and "liked" all of the pictures I posted. So, I was told that I needed to "de-friend" him. However, he was allowed to be "friends" with all of the above women, and follow pages such as the following: 1) INSTABESTBOOTIES - posting nothing but pictures of women's asses in thongs 2) BUTTBUILDING - "World's best butts and bodies" 3) TITTZNTATTZ 4) BOOBSBUTTSBIGTRUCKS 5) 10-20 "Instagram models" - ie girls w practically naked pics 6) 10-20 "Work-Out/I'm Fit" pages - People who workout and pose in their workout gear 1/2 naked - but again - it's a problem for me to be friends with one guy. but it's ok for you to not only look at naked women all day, but FLIRT with them also, as if you're single. 3) As for the "Open Letter to the Boy Who Didn't Appreciate Me" ... there have been several boys/men who haven't appreciated me. But this one was probably the worst of all. Bc I did more for him that I have for anyone else. I would wake up early every single day of the week, just to wake him up. Bc he slept thru his own alarms. I made and brought him coffee in bed. Every single day. I would pack him lunch, plenty of times writing him sweet notes to go in it. I would make sure he was ready for work, and out the door, before I would even start to get ready myself. And we had to be at work at the SAME TIME. And we BOTH worked DOWNTOWN. If he ever wanted or needed anything ... I got it. If he needed appointments made ... I made them. I did all of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, bday/christmas present shopping. I paid all of the bills. I made all of the dinners, AND I cleaned the dishes. The entire time he lived with me, he never cleaned ONE SINGLE DISH. He didn't even know where the dishes WENT. He never ONCE ran the dishwasher. He never washed clothes. He never bought his own underwear. I had to make him a bank account. When he wanted a new truck, how did he get it? Me. When he wanted a $2,000 gold chain ...? Me. When he needed new tires ...? Me. I would drop any and everything for that boy to make him happy. And what was he doing the whole time ...? Talking to other women. That's why we made the joint facebook in the first place. Because that's what he was doing on his facebook account. Asking other women if he could hook up with them, and asking for naked pictures. But I stupidly stayed with him. Bc I loved him. There would be a day once every month or two where it would seem like he appreciated me ... but looking back on it now ... it seems like all he was doing was throwing me a bone, so I would just keep doing everything for him. Being his sugar momma. Treating him like a spoiled little brat. Soooooo ... you tell me. Am I just bitching? Am I blowing things out of proportion? Or is maybe your friend just not the person you thought he was ...?

You know when ...

Sometimes when you jump in feet first, the first thing you break is your heart. But sometimes, things actually work. Sometimes, it's the right one. And sometimes, you want it to be right so bad, that you would do anything to make it work. And sometimes I actually wonder if that's what this is for you ... Bc I know how bad you want it ... And Lord knows, I don't want to get hurt again ... Call me crazy, but my head says that my feet hit the ground. And my heart could tell you exactly when it knew. At this point in my life, I want consistency, stability, respect, and loyalty. You've given me all four since day one. That makes me want to give you the whole world. I would give you the entire world, served on a plate for breakfast if I could. With your coffee, of course ;) Never before have I even desired, much less attempted, to do so much for someone. To be at their beck and call. But I truly have the desire to do that for you. And I honestly don't even know why. I just know that I would go to the ends of this earth to make you happy. You came into my life one day and I knew I didn't ever want you to leave. You came to spend the night, and you never DID leave. I just hope this IS our happily ever after. The fairy tale ending that we've both been looking for, for so long.

To my future daughter/neices/all single women ... and those guys that are just nosey

There will be many different types of men in your life ... and many different types of love. And I encourage you to experience them all as you grow up. I encourage you to find someone whom you love so fiercely, with such raw emotion and passion that you don't even know how to describe it or what to do with yourself. And then when it ends, and your heart is shattered into a million pieces, I want you to know that you WILL find the strength and courage to continue on, and you WILL still find love again. It will be a different, and better kind of love. Possibly not as earth-shattering, but equally as important and even more fulfilling. And as you age, and mature, you will learn that you don't actually WANT that earth-shattering, heart-breaking, gut-wrenching kind of love. You will learn that stability, consistency, respect, and loyalty are quite possibly the sexiest qualities you can find in a man. And they can be just as toe-curling as a really steamy romp in the bedroom. When you find that one person that can honestly be your EVERYTHING - your soul-mate, your best friend, your lover, your partner-in-crime, your strength in your time of weakness ... THAT will be "the one." But I also encourage you to have your experiences with each one of your loves, as you are growing up, before you find "the one" that you decide will become your happily ever after. Because I don't know that it's ever truly possible to really appreciate the real thing, without having first experienced heartbreak. I know that I, personally, had two people that I would have sworn to you at the time, that I was going to marry. And two people (one was the same as the aforementioned) that we just ALWAYS had perfect ... chemisty **wink,wink** And that one person who was in both categories, I was six weeks from walking down the aisle with. And then ... I found out he had been cheating on me. For a year. That's right, girls ... a year. As in, the entire time we had been planning the wedding. I say all this to say ... when you find that "special someone" that everything is ssssooooo perfect, and you have SsssOoooo much chemistry, and you are SO in love, and your heart beats a bajillion miles an hour, and everything seems like the perfect fairy tale ... enjoy it. Please ... enjoy it! It's part of your youth, and you will have an amazing time for as long as it lasts. Mine was about two years. But ladies ... he is NOT "the one." "The one" makes your heart flutter in a different way. He will be your best friend. Instead of saying "I want to go to this party/concert/game" he will say "let's go to this family event/come meet my brother/sister/parents/etc". Instead of saying will you buy me ______, he will bring you home a little special something, "just because." Instead of complaining about what's wrong with him or how he doesn't feel good, he will ask about your day, how you're doing, and ask if you've eaten. When you make dinner, he might help you. With my parents, they joke that my dad is my mom's sous chef. At my house, it doesn't matter what I make, but no matter what I make, the response is always, "Thanks baby, that was SO good." You're going to eat it, you're going to like it, and you're going to be appreciative of it. The joke at my house is "I could make fried dog turds, and you would eat it." So, like I said earlier ... stability, consistency, respect, and loyalty. Loyalty is pretty self explanatory. You should be the only person in your signficant other's love life. You should know that. You should FEEL like it. You should never have any reason to question it. If there is reason for doubt, you need to address it. Because if he is doing something that makes you feel like there could be someone else, and I know this feeling all too well ... it will haunt you. It will keep you up at night. You will lose sleep. And with me, it made me feel like everyone else knew a secret, and I was the punch-line of the joke. You deserve better than to ever feel like this. You must demand it. And no matter what, stay true to yourself. Respect. You must first respect yourself, and then you must demand it from everyone else. If you don't first respect yourself, then the second is impossible. But once the first is accomplished, then the second should automatically follow. But if he doesn't respect you, then no amount of love will be able to fix this. Consistency. I could set a clock by my hubby's routine, and by our routine in the morning. And you know what? That is incredibly comforting. Because it let's me know that there's no "funny business" going on. And I know that he is always going to call and let me know if something is going to change with the schedule. I always know that he is safe, and where he is, and therefore I don't have to worry. If and when the schedule and/or the consistency changes ... THAT'S when I would start to worry. Appreciation. This one is the most amusing to me. Because men always want to have their egos stroked, and hear about how wonderful and amazing they are, and want us to thank them for everything, etc etc. They want to be spoiled, and have us cater to their every wimb, and treat them like the king of the castle. Likewise, they get their panties in a wad when they do something for us, and we don't acknowledge or thank them for it. "Hey, did you see that I unloaded the dishwasher?" (What he means is, "Hey, don't you see that I unloaded the dishwasher?!?! Aren't you going to tell me what a great job I did, and thank me for it?" And what you really want to say is, "Congratulations! I do the dishes the other 364 days out the year ... you never thank ME for doing them! LOL") So it's a fine line ... appreciation, that is. Because men often forget to thank us for all of the things we do. Or maybe we are just more sensitive, and we want to be appreciated just as much as they do. I read once, that the reason that men don't acknowledge and verbally thank us (women), is because that would be acknowledging that they "need" our help, and they don't want to acknowledge that they "need" anyone's help, because they are "so superior and can do anything by themselves" (kind of like the whole "We don't ask for directions" thing). But that doesn't change the fact that we still want to be appreciated and we want them to verbally acknowledge all of the sweet and thoughtful things that we do for them. However, the truth of the matter is ... we will probably just never get that to the extent that we really want. So we're much better off simply knowing and accepting that fact, and blaming it on "asking for directions," then we are dwelling on it. So, girls, I leave you with this ... love. Love hard, love freely, and keep an open mind and an open heart. One day, after you've experienced love, and a broken heart, and you've put it back together with super-glue and duct tape (maybe even missing a few pieces) ... you will find "the one." But "the one" will look a lot more like "the boy next door" than Prince Charming. Honey ... Prince Charming was the one you almost married. He knew all the right things to say, and he knew exactly what you wanted to hear. That's how he got away with everything for so long. But "the boy next door" ... he will be your best friend over everything else. He's your fairy tale ending and your happily every after.

You can glue a broken plate back together, but it's never the same.

How I've always felt about you. And still do.

It's funny to me, how the first way I say that I knew that I loved you was the first time I saw your rage. I say that because I felt like it was because you were going to make Memphis and Chop get along, because they HAD to. Because they were going to be together forever. Because it made me feel protected. Like you would always protect me.

Little did I know, that half a year later ... after broken picture frames, and broken mirrors ... broken plates, and holes in the walls ... holes in the doors, and holes in my heart ... after you had me crying and wishing I could crawl away into one of your holes in the wall ... or sitting on the couch trying to be as still and quiet as I could, hoping not to bring out the demon inside you ... little did I know that that same rage that made me love you, would be brought against me.

As messed up as it all is ... I still love you. And I don't know if it's because I know who are, or if it's because I know who you COULD be. I don't know if it's because I just fell in love with all of the broken promises, or all of the perfect things you told me. I don't know if it's because we both just wanted someone to come home to at night. But I made you a promise so early on, and I never broke it. A promise that I would never give up on you. Even when you put holes in the walls of our house, and instead of fixing them, you just covered them up instead of taking the time to actually FIX them, I never gave up on you. And even when you picked up Chop off of me and threw him across the room, to make me get out of bed, I still never gave up on you. Even when you pulled me up off of the couch by my shirt, choking me, I still never gave up on you. Even now that you're gone, I still am trying every way I know how, to get you to understand ... I never gave up on you. You did. You gave up on yourself, you gave up on me, and you gave up on us. You gave up on "now and forever more." You gave up on our family. You gave up on a promise that you made me, that you would never leave, and that you would always make it work. And even if you still don't want us to be together, that's fine. But I still need you to know ... I NEVER GAVE UP ON YOU.

But I lied to you in the beginning. About something trivial (at least, to me). We won't mention anything you did, because apparently what I did was all that mattered, and everything you did not matter one bit. And ever since then, you didn't believe anything I said. You didn't see anything I did. You never saw that I worked on the days I could barely get out of bed. You never saw all the days that I woke up on my days off, just to wake you up, or bring you coffee in bed. All you saw were the things I DIDN'T do. The days you didn't have the "right" clean underwear. Or the days you had to walk to the dryer to get clean socks. You never washed a single dish the entire time you lived here. You didn't even know where anything WAS in the kitchen. You didn't think about all the times I could have gone and spent my money on myself, and done something I wanted to do. But instead, I spent it on you. Something I knew you would like. On food. On tires. On clothes for you. On the kids. On anything BUT me. To you, it was just "my choice." And it was. But I could never mention that to you. Because then I was holding it over your head. And I didn't want to hold it over your head. I wanted you to realize, and acknowledge, that you had the best thing you ever had. That you had someone that truly cared more about you than they cared about themselves. Because that's when you know you have the relationship you're supposed to be in forever. That's called selfLESS love - putting the other person first. But in our relationship, we BOTH put you first. And that's not fair. And that's why we would always fight. Because even when we would disagree about something, whenever I started to talk ... you just wanted to hear yourself speak.

I promised you I wouldn't call the police. Why in the WORLD do you think I begged Kevin all day to come??? And as far as why I even said I wanted you to leave in the FIRST place ... #1) You said you were leavin anyway. Did I want you to? Hell no. Of course not. I love you, and I want/wanted us to work it out. I thought we needed some time apart ... maybe you stay at your mom's for a week or something ... I don't know. #2) B ... the minute you put your hands on me, things changed. And the more I thought about it, the more things had escalated. And you keep saying that it was me, and that I had made you do it, but I didn't make you do anything. I was in bed trying to sleep, and you would come in there once every hour being mad about something else. I wasn't even WITH you, and you kept coming in there TO ME! I'm sorry, but yes. I WAS scared to be around you by myself. Until you had cooled off, I WAS SCARED. And I have every valid right to feel that way. And trust me ... I told Betsy a thousand times that I wasn't calling the cops. WHY? BECAUSE I love you, BECAUSE I wasn't trying to cause any trouble, and BECAUSE I didn't want to get you in trouble. Read everything I said to Kevin. That's the exact same thing I told him! But if she never told me that she was even going to, until after she did ... I'm sorry, but I don't know how you think I am supposed to control someone's actions who isn't anywhere around me, about something I don't even know she's doing.

So many things keep running through my head. You probably never even loved me. We were probably never even GOING to get married. You were probably just using me the whole time. Nobody could ever PHYSICALLY hurt the person they love, and then just walk away, and never talk to them again. It's just not that easy. And not even want to know why they told them to leave? Or even care? Not possible. And if you CAN walk away, and have zero interest in talking to them about absolutely nothing ... not care that they racked up $25,000 in credit cards in the six months you were together, plus YOUR car, and you want to take it ALL with you, but not pay for it, or even TALK about how it's going to get paid ... clearly you just don't care. So the question remains ... why do I care?

For the record ... I WAS serious about getting married. When I said I wanted to write our own vows, I actually did ... So here they are:

I know we found each other a little bit later in life ... But if I could do it all over again, I would choose you every single time. I would wait another ten years, if it meant I would still get to spend the rest of my life with you. Now that I have you in my life, I know that each day will be a happy, exciting, adventurous, and peaceful one. You make me heart and soul smile, in a way that it never has before. I want to thank you with all of my heart for making the last year the best year of my life, thus far. It was in 2015, that we met, that we became closer, and that we finally began to understand one another. And I know that this year, and every other year of my life, will bring me even more happiness, as long as you are by my side each and every moment. I promise that I will always continue to not only tell you, but to SHOW you, how much I love you. That you are the most important person in my life. That I will always put your wants and needs before my own. I look forward to many, many more amazing years with you by my side. I wish you all of the happiness in the world, my dear handsome amazing partner, in our life to come. You are, and always will be, the pillar of my strength. You are my strength. You are my rock. I will never stop looking up to you. I look up to you in times of conflict, and I will stand behind you to keep your feet firm. I will always support you, and I will never, EVER give up on you. You are my forever.

I know that everything you do, you do for our family. And you do things every day that make me even more proud of you than I thought I could ever be. Every time I look at you, I know that I am marrying the right man. I know that I have finally found the one person who has learned to accept me for who I am. Who loves me for everything I have to offer him. I know that I will be spending the rest of my life with my best friend. When I look in your eyes, I am home. When I look in your heart, I know I have found my true love. In your soul, I have finally found my mate. With you, I am finally whole. I'm full, and alive. You make me laugh. You're my rock. You are what keeps me going every day. You are what inspires me. What are the magic in my days. You make me laugh, and you teach me the meaning of love. You keep me at peace. You provide a safe place for my heart, unlike anywhere I've ever known. You are more of an amazement to me every single day.

I love you. Today and every day. And no matter what happens ... no matter the argument, no matter what problems we face ... I vow to you that I will be willing to put in the effort to fix it. I always told you ... I will be getting married once, and it will be for the rest of my life. And like you've always said ... You're stuck with me forever. I am yours and you are mine. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and every other day. Until the day we die.