Sunday, January 14, 2018

Why Justice isn't Always JUST





Corruption in MS Judicial System                                            
       Tips the Scales Beyond                   The Point of No Return


There have been plenty of times, especially recently, where the MS state Judicial System has grossly let us down, as we, the people.  As a whole, I would say that it would not be over-reaching to state that MS continues to be what could be referred to as a “Good ‘Ole Boys” state. There is, however recently, the time when it was finally discovered that the former MS corrections commissioner Chris Epps was leading a bribery scandal, and he was arrested, sentenced, and fined.  However, when only a few years ago, then Judge Reedy was found with his hand up a young girl’s skirt, his only punishment was to step back from judgeship and return to being a practicing attorney, have his name go unprinted in the phonebook, and have all records of his story expunged from the internet.  So which Attn Reedy could this be?  And why does the state of MS not treat everyone fairly?  Why do we continue to see lawsuits versus the state, with wrongful deaths occurring of inmates while in the care of the Desoto County Prison System?  Clearly, we have an underlying problem at play with our judicial system.

I’m going to tell you a story about someone that MS is persecuting unfairly.  I won’t give you his name, because you need to see the situation for what it is, no matter who it is about. To give you some history, about twenty years ago, his motto would have been that he is “Grinding to shine.”  But he has learned a lot in those twenty years.  He is a two-time convicted felon.  He would be the first one to admit to any crime that he committed, and willing to pay the price for it.  But in the past few years, his life has become drastically different.  His motto has changed.  Now he say he’s “Grinding to disappear.”  He doesn’t want to be in the spotlight anymore.  He wants to be forgotten … by almost everyone.  I’m writing this because he is the father of my godson. And all he wants to do is follow the rules, be left alone, and be there for his family and his son.

So let me tell you a little bit about how he is being persecuted by the state of MS, and every arm of its judicial system.  First, this whole thing started when he was pulled over for an improper turn.  At this point, he was made to exit the vehicle, which was then searched.  The police found a sheathed dirk knife (and a machete, which, oddly enough is NOT considered a weapon).  What the police didn’t know was that the dirk knife wasn’t considered a weapon until it was unsheathed. So he ended up winning that indictment – but not before a whole host of other instances of harassment ensued.

One particular officer has been harassing him almost to the point of stalking.  His name is Officer Danny Wilkey.  He also perjured himself on the stand in the aforementioned indictment, as he changed his statement from what he originally said.  When the defendant was serving as his own co-counsel and questioning Officer Wilkey, the defendant was so quick to ask him questions and so fast to retort with follow-ups, that Officer Wilkey (even though he had his police report in his hand), kept tripping over his responses.  Seeing as the defendant had the TRUTH on his side, and didn’t have to think about his answers, he didn’t have to stop and think about his answer, and therefore his response time was immediate, and his answers never faltered.  However, unfortunately the same cannot be said about Officer Wilkey.

Officers Wilkey and Perkins were two of the officers there on the scene the night of the turn signal debacle.  There were six police cars at the scene, even though Officer Wilkey said that the line was busy so he couldn’t phone in the call.  While the defendant was in handcuffs in the back of the police car, his girlfriend (and mother of his son) was on the curb of the sidewalk.  One of the officers asked her if she knew what the defendant’s tattoos meant.  She replied that yes, of course she did, because he is a very honest person.  They responded that he wasn’t a good person and that she was hanging out with the wrong crowd and that he was going to influence her, etc.  The police then walked away slightly and started talking amongst themselves, and the girlfriend overheard them.  While the defendant openly admits that he was once a member of a gang, he also gave himself to God in 2010, had a child in 2015, and has since made very different lifestyle choices.  His life is currently about nothing but his family and God.  His girlfriend overheard the officer’s saying that they were going to find a way to make the traffic stop gang-related (simply because of his tattoos), and the fact that he USED to be affiliated).   This ALONE is falsification of a police report.  She then overheard them saying they couldn’t do it, followed by them said “We’ll figure it out.”

After his dirk knife was confiscated this morning, he was arrested.  But let me give a little more detail of how, exactly, we got from A to Z …  After they initially pulled them over for the turn signal, they were immediately asked to pull over, exit the vehicle, and asked if the police could search the vehicle.  T Officer Wilkey (the stalker, if you will) was the officer that pulled them over, however five other police cars magically appeared.  After hours of searching through the vehicle, they confiscated the dirk knife, but did not give him a property receipt.  They proceeded to arrest him, because he had a warrant for his arrest for child support. His bond was $2,500 to get out of jail.  When he was released from jail, he had a ticket for the improper turn, careless driving, no insurance, and no license.  He served one hundred hours of community service for this.  Upon completion, he asked the judge what he could do to get his dirk knife back, as it was from his father, who had recently passed away.  The judge told him that if he did not have a property receipt, to go to the front desk at the police station and talk to whomever was there.  Right as he was walking out of the courtroom, NINE officers were there prepared to arrest him (the defendant).  However … they weren’t exactly completely prepared … as they didn’t have the warrant.  The defendant asked them repeatedly to see the warrant, and the only answer that he was given was that it “wasn’t ready yet.”  He was then brought to the county jail where he was processed and he finally saw the warrant for having a “felony possession of a dirk knike” in his vehicle, which came to be the aforementioned indictment, of which he was unanimously found innocent. 

To this day, the defendant still does not have his dirk knife back.  The police’s reasoning is that they have to keep it because it is “evidence in a case.”  However doesn’t it being “evidence in a case” imply that there is an actual CASE or CRIME?  Should not the defendant be able to re-obtain the property that his late father left him, seeing as no crime has been committed, and there is not case to solve?  If the only “crime” to speak of was the “felony possession” … the jury unanimously voted that that particular item was not to be considered a weapon for various reasons; so should not the police return the property to its rightful owner? 

The whole trial, it was evident that the prosecuting team, the judge, and possibly even his own attorney were all on their own team, fighting against the defendant … fighting for him to lose.  They all had their own mindset that for one, they were the good guys and he was the bad guy, and for two, that he was a stupid bad guy.  Everything that he thought of that was either an idea that might help him, or a smart idea … they would just shoot it down.  He wanted to get a hair sample for his girlfriend to prove that she had never done heroin, because one of the police officers was trying to say that she was a heroin addict.  He wanted to prove that the officer was lying and show their perjury.  He was told that it had nothing to do with the case.  He wanted to sit as co-counsel – everyone opposed him.  When the trial was over, and he had finally won, the prosecuting attorney and Attn Jack Jones came to him and said something to the effect of  “It’s ok, we’re still working on [getting you on] something [else].”

While on parole, the defendant has been meeting with his parole officer, as per schedule.  Even his parole officer, Mr. Smith, has said “You need to nip shit in the bud and file a lawsuit against the state of Mississippi” for all of the heinous crimes against [your] civil rights.  The Civil Right Act of 1983 protects the defendant against being persecuted in a manner such as this, in so many ways, to such a degree.  But the worst part about it is, that it’s the Judicial System that is the one doing the violating - the police force, the attorneys, and the judges.  The sad part is … it’s not the first time that this had happened.  What’s even worse is, the last stop, the penal system, might have the worst reputation of them all.  Have you seen how many lawsuits are out there?  How many wrongful death suits there are, while in MS correctional facilities … how many lawsuits there are for brazen assaults by correctional officers, for no reason at all, all within the state of Mississippi?

This particular man … while you all may not know him in person … I am telling you that he is more than willing to go to jail for a crime that he committed.  However, as previously stated, since he has given his life to God, and since he had his son, his life is only about his family and the righteous path. The problem is, however, that is he goes to jail in Mississippi … for ANYTHING … for any amount of time … they (the use of they, in this sense, you can refer to it is “The Good ‘Ole Boys System”) will use their powers to dispose of him, whether it is getting another inmate to beat him up or kill him, or get a correctional officer to do it himself.  While it is 100 % true that we do not foresee any reason that he should be or should WARRANT being arrested, that does not mean that the MS police force will not fabricate some excuse, such as the previous “improper turn.”  All that we are asking here is for the bare minimum … his life.  In the ideal case, we could have his parole transferred to Memphis, TN, so that he would not have to go to MS anymore.  In the next step above that, we would ask that, should be arrested for whatever reason, he be placed on inter-state compact to Shelby County.  This is all being done because this man has been unjustly and unlawfully judged on his supposed actions rather than his ACTUAL actions and his character.  His past is not the same as his present.  Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.  These strong arms of justice need to remember that no one is perfect … and there isn’t necessarily always just the “Good Guys” and the “Bad Guys.”  Sometimes we learn our lessons later in life.  But isn’t the point in life just that we learn them …?

Thank you all for your time, in reading this short blog!  It means SO much to us and our cause.  Please share with everyone you can think  of!  Let’s spread this like wildfire, for two reasons … To get the words out that MS’s justice system isn’t as pristine as they like everyone to think it is, and to get more justice in our lives!  Thanks so much everyone J

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

When I'm With You ...

When I'm with you I feel at home When I'm with you, I feel such a peace about myself When I'm with you, I never feel alone When I'm with you, my heart and mind are at ease. When I'm with you, I know I have found my forever Knowing you are by my side, makes me happier than I could ever imagine I feel such a calm about myself that I never thought would happen We finally made it right, found our place, in each other, made it home. In your arms, or laying beside you I've never been more at ease Nothing has ever felt so right, Holding you so close, never wanting to let go I hold you next to me, I hold you so tight For I want time to stop in that moment For that moment is what my dreams are made of. We haven't always been perfect We haven't always done everything the right way But this time ... Right here, right now ... This time, I just know we're both here to stay. I will give you everything I have ... All that I am All I ask for in return, is you give me your love Your love, your faithfulness, your trust, all that you can To each other, we should have nothing to prove We already know that love exists Now ... Let's let our love prevail.

Monday, February 1, 2016

For those of you that are too damn nosey for your own good

Since there are apparently several of you that have nothing better to do than to read my facebook status's and posts, take your own opinion of what they may or may not mean, take your pre-conceived notion (or one-sided story) of what may or may not have happened to me in my life recently, and then go on and show my ex what I posted, along with whatever hyped up version of what you think it means ... Let me address a few things for you. 1) When I said "What's always crazy to me is when you finally realize that what you had all along was never real. You're not sure if you should be mad or laugh ... But one thing is for sure ... It makes it so much easier to just keep on rollin' ... #neverlookingback" ... It was after finding some of the following posts that he had made. Some of these were DURING the course of our relationship. Some of them were either the DAY we broke up, or during the week or two after we broke up. Now, please keep in mind, we broke up on Jan 13 (2 weeks ago). We were planning on getting married by the end of the month of this January (ie ... now). Now ... it is of my own personal opinion that if you are planning on marrying someone, obviously you care a LOT about them. So I, personally, feel that you wouldn't be thinking about other people ... certainly not WHILE you are together. Also, regardless of how the breakup went, it would make logical sense to me, that you wouldn't IMMEDIATELY be hitting on other women. But again ... maybe that's just me. But the post I made, was put up after seeing that he had made the following comments on various women's pictures on various social media sites. All were made either throughout our relationship, or just recently, right after our breakup ... 1) Person #1 "Astonishingly Gorgeous Lady" 5 days ago 2) "Very Beautiful" 4 weeks ago 3) Person #2 "Very Gorgeous Lady" 3 days ago 4) "Gorgeous ladies!" 2 days ago 5) Person #3 "Naturally Gorgeous" 6 days ago 6) "Wow! #model" 2 weeks ago 7) Person #4 - her to him "Who forgot to call ? Xoxo Hmmm" 20 weeks ago 8) Person #5 "Beautiful!" 24 weeks ago 9) Person #6 Supermodel!" 22 weeks ago 10) "So Naturally Beautiful" 30 weeks ago 11) Person #7 "Wow" 27 weeks ago 12) "Shhhhhhh gorgeous" 27 weeks ago 13) "Wow sexiness" 27 weeks ago 14) "Beautiful" 27 weeks ago 15) "Damn it Bobby!" 27 weeks ago 16) Person #8 "Astoundingly Naturally Gorgeous #WORDSDOYOUNOJUSTICE" 3 weeks ago 17) Person #9 "Gorgeous" 7 weeks ago - I would post more, but honestly, I just don't feel like spending any more time finding them. These are just a few from the profiles that aren't even private ... which just goes to show how many more there are, where those came from. 2) The second thing I would like to address, is why I have made so many comments regarding social media, and why I feel that it is the downfall of relationships. That, and how I feel that relationships seem to no longer be able to have the focus of monogamy. I feel that the above listings firmly show some data to support that logic. Along with that, throughout our relationship, we continually argued over one particular friend that I had ... and we never spoke often. And when we did, all it was, was a few texts. We never hung out, the entire time we were together. However, apparently, it was a REALLY big problem that he was my "friend" on social media, and "liked" all of the pictures I posted. So, I was told that I needed to "de-friend" him. However, he was allowed to be "friends" with all of the above women, and follow pages such as the following: 1) INSTABESTBOOTIES - posting nothing but pictures of women's asses in thongs 2) BUTTBUILDING - "World's best butts and bodies" 3) TITTZNTATTZ 4) BOOBSBUTTSBIGTRUCKS 5) 10-20 "Instagram models" - ie girls w practically naked pics 6) 10-20 "Work-Out/I'm Fit" pages - People who workout and pose in their workout gear 1/2 naked - but again - it's a problem for me to be friends with one guy. but it's ok for you to not only look at naked women all day, but FLIRT with them also, as if you're single. 3) As for the "Open Letter to the Boy Who Didn't Appreciate Me" ... there have been several boys/men who haven't appreciated me. But this one was probably the worst of all. Bc I did more for him that I have for anyone else. I would wake up early every single day of the week, just to wake him up. Bc he slept thru his own alarms. I made and brought him coffee in bed. Every single day. I would pack him lunch, plenty of times writing him sweet notes to go in it. I would make sure he was ready for work, and out the door, before I would even start to get ready myself. And we had to be at work at the SAME TIME. And we BOTH worked DOWNTOWN. If he ever wanted or needed anything ... I got it. If he needed appointments made ... I made them. I did all of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, bday/christmas present shopping. I paid all of the bills. I made all of the dinners, AND I cleaned the dishes. The entire time he lived with me, he never cleaned ONE SINGLE DISH. He didn't even know where the dishes WENT. He never ONCE ran the dishwasher. He never washed clothes. He never bought his own underwear. I had to make him a bank account. When he wanted a new truck, how did he get it? Me. When he wanted a $2,000 gold chain ...? Me. When he needed new tires ...? Me. I would drop any and everything for that boy to make him happy. And what was he doing the whole time ...? Talking to other women. That's why we made the joint facebook in the first place. Because that's what he was doing on his facebook account. Asking other women if he could hook up with them, and asking for naked pictures. But I stupidly stayed with him. Bc I loved him. There would be a day once every month or two where it would seem like he appreciated me ... but looking back on it now ... it seems like all he was doing was throwing me a bone, so I would just keep doing everything for him. Being his sugar momma. Treating him like a spoiled little brat. Soooooo ... you tell me. Am I just bitching? Am I blowing things out of proportion? Or is maybe your friend just not the person you thought he was ...?

Saturday, January 16, 2016

You know when ...

Sometimes when you jump in feet first, the first thing you break is your heart. But sometimes, things actually work. Sometimes, it's the right one. And sometimes, you want it to be right so bad, that you would do anything to make it work. And sometimes I actually wonder if that's what this is for you ... Bc I know how bad you want it ... And Lord knows, I don't want to get hurt again ... Call me crazy, but my head says that my feet hit the ground. And my heart could tell you exactly when it knew. At this point in my life, I want consistency, stability, respect, and loyalty. You've given me all four since day one. That makes me want to give you the whole world. I would give you the entire world, served on a plate for breakfast if I could. With your coffee, of course ;) Never before have I even desired, much less attempted, to do so much for someone. To be at their beck and call. But I truly have the desire to do that for you. And I honestly don't even know why. I just know that I would go to the ends of this earth to make you happy. You came into my life one day and I knew I didn't ever want you to leave. You came to spend the night, and you never DID leave. I just hope this IS our happily ever after. The fairy tale ending that we've both been looking for, for so long.

To my future daughter/neices/all single women ... and those guys that are just nosey

There will be many different types of men in your life ... and many different types of love. And I encourage you to experience them all as you grow up. I encourage you to find someone whom you love so fiercely, with such raw emotion and passion that you don't even know how to describe it or what to do with yourself. And then when it ends, and your heart is shattered into a million pieces, I want you to know that you WILL find the strength and courage to continue on, and you WILL still find love again. It will be a different, and better kind of love. Possibly not as earth-shattering, but equally as important and even more fulfilling. And as you age, and mature, you will learn that you don't actually WANT that earth-shattering, heart-breaking, gut-wrenching kind of love. You will learn that stability, consistency, respect, and loyalty are quite possibly the sexiest qualities you can find in a man. And they can be just as toe-curling as a really steamy romp in the bedroom. When you find that one person that can honestly be your EVERYTHING - your soul-mate, your best friend, your lover, your partner-in-crime, your strength in your time of weakness ... THAT will be "the one." But I also encourage you to have your experiences with each one of your loves, as you are growing up, before you find "the one" that you decide will become your happily ever after. Because I don't know that it's ever truly possible to really appreciate the real thing, without having first experienced heartbreak. I know that I, personally, had two people that I would have sworn to you at the time, that I was going to marry. And two people (one was the same as the aforementioned) that we just ALWAYS had perfect ... chemisty **wink,wink** And that one person who was in both categories, I was six weeks from walking down the aisle with. And then ... I found out he had been cheating on me. For a year. That's right, girls ... a year. As in, the entire time we had been planning the wedding. I say all this to say ... when you find that "special someone" that everything is ssssooooo perfect, and you have SsssOoooo much chemistry, and you are SO in love, and your heart beats a bajillion miles an hour, and everything seems like the perfect fairy tale ... enjoy it. Please ... enjoy it! It's part of your youth, and you will have an amazing time for as long as it lasts. Mine was about two years. But ladies ... he is NOT "the one." "The one" makes your heart flutter in a different way. He will be your best friend. Instead of saying "I want to go to this party/concert/game" he will say "let's go to this family event/come meet my brother/sister/parents/etc". Instead of saying will you buy me ______, he will bring you home a little special something, "just because." Instead of complaining about what's wrong with him or how he doesn't feel good, he will ask about your day, how you're doing, and ask if you've eaten. When you make dinner, he might help you. With my parents, they joke that my dad is my mom's sous chef. At my house, it doesn't matter what I make, but no matter what I make, the response is always, "Thanks baby, that was SO good." You're going to eat it, you're going to like it, and you're going to be appreciative of it. The joke at my house is "I could make fried dog turds, and you would eat it." So, like I said earlier ... stability, consistency, respect, and loyalty. Loyalty is pretty self explanatory. You should be the only person in your signficant other's love life. You should know that. You should FEEL like it. You should never have any reason to question it. If there is reason for doubt, you need to address it. Because if he is doing something that makes you feel like there could be someone else, and I know this feeling all too well ... it will haunt you. It will keep you up at night. You will lose sleep. And with me, it made me feel like everyone else knew a secret, and I was the punch-line of the joke. You deserve better than to ever feel like this. You must demand it. And no matter what, stay true to yourself. Respect. You must first respect yourself, and then you must demand it from everyone else. If you don't first respect yourself, then the second is impossible. But once the first is accomplished, then the second should automatically follow. But if he doesn't respect you, then no amount of love will be able to fix this. Consistency. I could set a clock by my hubby's routine, and by our routine in the morning. And you know what? That is incredibly comforting. Because it let's me know that there's no "funny business" going on. And I know that he is always going to call and let me know if something is going to change with the schedule. I always know that he is safe, and where he is, and therefore I don't have to worry. If and when the schedule and/or the consistency changes ... THAT'S when I would start to worry. Appreciation. This one is the most amusing to me. Because men always want to have their egos stroked, and hear about how wonderful and amazing they are, and want us to thank them for everything, etc etc. They want to be spoiled, and have us cater to their every wimb, and treat them like the king of the castle. Likewise, they get their panties in a wad when they do something for us, and we don't acknowledge or thank them for it. "Hey, did you see that I unloaded the dishwasher?" (What he means is, "Hey, don't you see that I unloaded the dishwasher?!?! Aren't you going to tell me what a great job I did, and thank me for it?" And what you really want to say is, "Congratulations! I do the dishes the other 364 days out the year ... you never thank ME for doing them! LOL") So it's a fine line ... appreciation, that is. Because men often forget to thank us for all of the things we do. Or maybe we are just more sensitive, and we want to be appreciated just as much as they do. I read once, that the reason that men don't acknowledge and verbally thank us (women), is because that would be acknowledging that they "need" our help, and they don't want to acknowledge that they "need" anyone's help, because they are "so superior and can do anything by themselves" (kind of like the whole "We don't ask for directions" thing). But that doesn't change the fact that we still want to be appreciated and we want them to verbally acknowledge all of the sweet and thoughtful things that we do for them. However, the truth of the matter is ... we will probably just never get that to the extent that we really want. So we're much better off simply knowing and accepting that fact, and blaming it on "asking for directions," then we are dwelling on it. So, girls, I leave you with this ... love. Love hard, love freely, and keep an open mind and an open heart. One day, after you've experienced love, and a broken heart, and you've put it back together with super-glue and duct tape (maybe even missing a few pieces) ... you will find "the one." But "the one" will look a lot more like "the boy next door" than Prince Charming. Honey ... Prince Charming was the one you almost married. He knew all the right things to say, and he knew exactly what you wanted to hear. That's how he got away with everything for so long. But "the boy next door" ... he will be your best friend over everything else. He's your fairy tale ending and your happily every after.

You can glue a broken plate back together, but it's never the same.

How I've always felt about you. And still do.


It's funny to me, how the first way I say that I knew that I loved you was the first time I saw your rage. I say that because I felt like it was because you were going to make Memphis and Chop get along, because they HAD to. Because they were going to be together forever. Because it made me feel protected. Like you would always protect me.


Little did I know, that half a year later ... after broken picture frames, and broken mirrors ... broken plates, and holes in the walls ... holes in the doors, and holes in my heart ... after you had me crying and wishing I could crawl away into one of your holes in the wall ... or sitting on the couch trying to be as still and quiet as I could, hoping not to bring out the demon inside you ... little did I know that that same rage that made me love you, would be brought against me.


As messed up as it all is ... I still love you. And I don't know if it's because I know who are, or if it's because I know who you COULD be. I don't know if it's because I just fell in love with all of the broken promises, or all of the perfect things you told me. I don't know if it's because we both just wanted someone to come home to at night. But I made you a promise so early on, and I never broke it. A promise that I would never give up on you. Even when you put holes in the walls of our house, and instead of fixing them, you just covered them up instead of taking the time to actually FIX them, I never gave up on you. And even when you picked up Chop off of me and threw him across the room, to make me get out of bed, I still never gave up on you. Even when you pulled me up off of the couch by my shirt, choking me, I still never gave up on you. Even now that you're gone, I still am trying every way I know how, to get you to understand ... I never gave up on you. You did. You gave up on yourself, you gave up on me, and you gave up on us. You gave up on "now and forever more." You gave up on our family. You gave up on a promise that you made me, that you would never leave, and that you would always make it work. And even if you still don't want us to be together, that's fine. But I still need you to know ... I NEVER GAVE UP ON YOU.


But I lied to you in the beginning. About something trivial (at least, to me). We won't mention anything you did, because apparently what I did was all that mattered, and everything you did not matter one bit. And ever since then, you didn't believe anything I said. You didn't see anything I did. You never saw that I worked on the days I could barely get out of bed. You never saw all the days that I woke up on my days off, just to wake you up, or bring you coffee in bed. All you saw were the things I DIDN'T do. The days you didn't have the "right" clean underwear. Or the days you had to walk to the dryer to get clean socks. You never washed a single dish the entire time you lived here. You didn't even know where anything WAS in the kitchen. You didn't think about all the times I could have gone and spent my money on myself, and done something I wanted to do. But instead, I spent it on you. Something I knew you would like. On food. On tires. On clothes for you. On the kids. On anything BUT me. To you, it was just "my choice." And it was. But I could never mention that to you. Because then I was holding it over your head. And I didn't want to hold it over your head. I wanted you to realize, and acknowledge, that you had the best thing you ever had. That you had someone that truly cared more about you than they cared about themselves. Because that's when you know you have the relationship you're supposed to be in forever. That's called selfLESS love - putting the other person first. But in our relationship, we BOTH put you first. And that's not fair. And that's why we would always fight. Because even when we would disagree about something, whenever I started to talk ... you just wanted to hear yourself speak.


I promised you I wouldn't call the police. Why in the WORLD do you think I begged Kevin all day to come??? And as far as why I even said I wanted you to leave in the FIRST place ... #1) You said you were leavin anyway. Did I want you to? Hell no. Of course not. I love you, and I want/wanted us to work it out. I thought we needed some time apart ... maybe you stay at your mom's for a week or something ... I don't know. #2) B ... the minute you put your hands on me, things changed. And the more I thought about it, the more things had escalated. And you keep saying that it was me, and that I had made you do it, but I didn't make you do anything. I was in bed trying to sleep, and you would come in there once every hour being mad about something else. I wasn't even WITH you, and you kept coming in there TO ME! I'm sorry, but yes. I WAS scared to be around you by myself. Until you had cooled off, I WAS SCARED. And I have every valid right to feel that way. And trust me ... I told Betsy a thousand times that I wasn't calling the cops. WHY? BECAUSE I love you, BECAUSE I wasn't trying to cause any trouble, and BECAUSE I didn't want to get you in trouble. Read everything I said to Kevin. That's the exact same thing I told him! But if she never told me that she was even going to, until after she did ... I'm sorry, but I don't know how you think I am supposed to control someone's actions who isn't anywhere around me, about something I don't even know she's doing.


So many things keep running through my head. You probably never even loved me. We were probably never even GOING to get married. You were probably just using me the whole time. Nobody could ever PHYSICALLY hurt the person they love, and then just walk away, and never talk to them again. It's just not that easy. And not even want to know why they told them to leave? Or even care? Not possible. And if you CAN walk away, and have zero interest in talking to them about absolutely nothing ... not care that they racked up $25,000 in credit cards in the six months you were together, plus YOUR car, and you want to take it ALL with you, but not pay for it, or even TALK about how it's going to get paid ... clearly you just don't care. So the question remains ... why do I care?


For the record ... I WAS serious about getting married. When I said I wanted to write our own vows, I actually did ... So here they are:


I know we found each other a little bit later in life ... But if I could do it all over again, I would choose you every single time. I would wait another ten years, if it meant I would still get to spend the rest of my life with you. Now that I have you in my life, I know that each day will be a happy, exciting, adventurous, and peaceful one. You make me heart and soul smile, in a way that it never has before. I want to thank you with all of my heart for making the last year the best year of my life, thus far. It was in 2015, that we met, that we became closer, and that we finally began to understand one another. And I know that this year, and every other year of my life, will bring me even more happiness, as long as you are by my side each and every moment. I promise that I will always continue to not only tell you, but to SHOW you, how much I love you. That you are the most important person in my life. That I will always put your wants and needs before my own. I look forward to many, many more amazing years with you by my side. I wish you all of the happiness in the world, my dear handsome amazing partner, in our life to come. You are, and always will be, the pillar of my strength. You are my strength. You are my rock. I will never stop looking up to you. I look up to you in times of conflict, and I will stand behind you to keep your feet firm. I will always support you, and I will never, EVER give up on you. You are my forever.


I know that everything you do, you do for our family. And you do things every day that make me even more proud of you than I thought I could ever be. Every time I look at you, I know that I am marrying the right man. I know that I have finally found the one person who has learned to accept me for who I am. Who loves me for everything I have to offer him. I know that I will be spending the rest of my life with my best friend. When I look in your eyes, I am home. When I look in your heart, I know I have found my true love. In your soul, I have finally found my mate. With you, I am finally whole. I'm full, and alive. You make me laugh. You're my rock. You are what keeps me going every day. You are what inspires me. What are the magic in my days. You make me laugh, and you teach me the meaning of love. You keep me at peace. You provide a safe place for my heart, unlike anywhere I've ever known. You are more of an amazement to me every single day.


I love you. Today and every day. And no matter what happens ... no matter the argument, no matter what problems we face ... I vow to you that I will be willing to put in the effort to fix it. I always told you ... I will be getting married once, and it will be for the rest of my life. And like you've always said ... You're stuck with me forever. I am yours and you are mine. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and every other day. Until the day we die.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

You planted a seed in me

You planted a seed in me You probably don't even know what all those few words meant that first day Or what all I felt when I heard you say All you did was let me know when I went to reach for my own chopsticks And tell me that you had already gotten some for me You said, "What? You've never had anybody treat you like that?" And I've never really thought about it like you did, Or looked into it the that way But as we were eating, and you put your hand on my knee You asked if it was ok. I was blown away. I didn't know what to say. I just smiled. And nodded. And in my heart, I knew I liked this guy. And then the more I spent time with you, the more I began to learn That that very first day, you had planted a seed in my heart. And that seed of love had begun to grow. Because every day, so very fast, I had started to care for you more and more. And the more I knew about you, the more I loved you. And then you came here. And when you come to bed every night, Naked, and raw, and as pure as can be ... It's the same way as how you love me. Your love is pure and raw. No bull shit. No make-up and frills. And that's exactly what I want, and exactly why I love you. Along with a list 20 miles long of other things. You planted a seed in me. And now our love is naked, pure, and raw. One day our seed will grow to be the biggest and most beautiful Magnolia tree in someone's neighborhood. And there will be a crazy leaf lady neighbor that won't like it, and that will want to cut it down. But because it will be so strong, and rooted, and firm, and unshakeable ... It won't go anywhere. Because our love is pure, naked, and raw. Rooted, firm, and unshakeable. They say the Pisces not only want to find their lover, but their Spiritual mate, their best friend, and their eternal soul mate. They say that's why it takes so many of us so long To find "the one." Because we are continually searching for the one that fate has set in store for us. The one who is meant to be our Happily Ever After. Our "eternal soul mate." I've found it all. I have Found MY ALL. In you. YOU are my everything. You are my seed. You are my naked, raw, unbridled, pure, passionate, eternal love that I have been searching for. You are my best friend, and you can be my worst enemy, for it is only you that knows my faults so well. You are my lover, and my Mr Grey. You are my companion, and he whom I would choose over everyone else to do ANYTHING with. You are my other half. For when I am weak, you are strong. When I cannot find the words, you speak for me. When I am overbearing, you sit back and listen. And when I want to nurture you, you sit back and let me. You are my heart and my soul. My heart beats in YOUR chest. For if you weren't here, I don't know what I would do. You are the reason I wake in the mornings, and I can't sleep until I hear your breathing change and I know you're asleep. When you planted that seed ... You became my world.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Being in love with you means ...

1) you're my best friend.


2) my confidant.


3) you're my sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray.


4) I will always be honest with you. I will never lie or deceive you. I couldn't, even if I tried.


5) I want to do anything and everything I can to help you. To make your day and life easier. Bc when you're happy, it makes me happy.

6) you're my lover. But it's more than that ... Read the lyrics to Ludacris' "Nasty Girl"


7) that I accept both of our pasts for what they are, and even appreciate them. Bc if it weren't for what we both came from, we wouldn't be together today. Our past made us who we are now. They taught us more than we could ever know. And a huge part of how we communicate with one another is based off of what we each learned in our past failed relationships.


8) I always be in your corner. I will always be on your side. I will always be on your team, and cheering you on. And even when I think you're wrong or i disagree with you ... No one will know but me and you ... But I will tell you as respectfully as I can, and I will tell you why.


9) you will never be hungry. And if you are, I'll be hungry with you, and it will be bc were at a really terrible time in our life. But I will be right by your side through it all.


10) you'll be the Clyde to my Bonnie.


11) we will fall off the couch, laughing in our underwear, every time you get a Charlie horse.


12) I'll always wake you up, every morning, with a cup of coffee ... Or something better ;)


13) we will make time for fun things every once n a while, like concerts or going out of town. Bc sometimes, we just deserve to have a little fun.


14) I'll never take you for granted. And I will always do everything within my power to make you as happy as you make me. Each and every day.


15) you complete me. I know it seems cliche and terrible. I know I'm not supposed to say things like that. I know that I am supposed to be "enough" on my own, and all of these other things ... And Lord knows that I have been there and done all of those things too. We both have. But when I just sit and think of all I could ever want in life ... What am I lacking that I CANNOT give myself ... It's you. You're the person by my side, that I can always talk to. The one that makes me smile when I'm having a bad day. The one I get to come home to every day. The one I get to go to bed with every night. The face I wake up to every morning. The voice the tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful. The hand that pulls my hair and grabs my ass. The eyes that watch over me, and can read my soul. YOU are everything I always needed but never knew I wanted. I didn't know how bad I needed you until you were here. And that's why everything is so different now. I am so different now. You'll never completely know who I was before, because I'll never completely be the same again. You've changed me. But I love so very much who I am today. I love this person because I love who I am when I'm with you.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Standing Up

We all know all of the typical quotes. Or quotations, if you really and truly want me to be grammatically correct.


"Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody is going to know whether you did it or not."

-Oprah Winfrey


"Nothing is at last sacred but the inegrity of your own mind."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


"Staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul and a trait of a true coward. There is nothing intelligent about not standing up for yourself. You may not win every battle. However - everyone will at least know what you stood for - YOU!"

-Shannon L. Adler


"If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything."

Gordan A. Eadie


"Stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone."

Sophie Scholl




These quotes are all different ways of essentially saying the same thing. Always do what your heart leads you to do. Even when it's hard. Even when it goes against the grain. Even when society may not want you to do it. Even when you may not have anyone by your side. Because when you genuinely know, in your heart of hearts, that what you're doing is the right thing, then that will always eventually come to light in the end ... whether your intentions are to protect the innocent in the future, or to help bring justice to the guilty in the present. It is not our right, as people, to judge ANYone. That is God's right, alone. However, it IS our right to help protect our fellow brothers and sisters. And if we do not speak up and bring these situations to light that need to be spoken about, and continue to avoid them, or sweep them under the rug, so to say, then our world will continue to become more and more corrupt, and continue to become a worse and worse, and less safe place to raise OUR children. We must stand up for what we KNOW is right. And refuse to accept anything less!


So ... I know right about now, you are all wondering what in the craw-fish I'm talking about and/or referring to. Well ... As one of the quotations says above ... I'm not writing all of this so that everyone knows WHY I am doing what I'm doing. If you should come to find out, well, then good for you. You know. Just know that the REASON I am doing is NOT because of me. It is so that it will not happen to anyone else. And if you DON'T know what I'm talking about, then that's just fine and dandy too ... because I still personally think that it's great advice ;)


So stand tall. Stand firm. And stand confident, in knowing that even if you are standing alone ... you are doing the right thing.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

When the voice is only a faint whisper ...

For those of you that seem to be finding yourself in a place where you think you are lost, and you don't know what to do ... where you think things are hopeless ... let me tell you ... I've been there. It doesn't matter what the situation is. Has a person most near and dear to your heart died? Have you lost the love of your life, for one reason or another? Do you feel like everyone that you ever trusted, or that everyone you SHOULD be able to trust, has betrayed you in one way or another? Do you find it difficult to open up your heart to anyone else, due to these circumstances? Have you been plagued with illness, and wondered how you were ever going to be able to get yourself out of bed each day? Do you feel so alone in this world, that you wonder if anyone will ever come along to fill that void in your heart? Have you ever lost your job, and done everything you could to make ends meet? Raking leaves, cutting coupons, and transferring perscriptions from one pharmacy to another, just to get a few dollars to spend at that store? Have you lived off of food stamps? Worked 2 or 3 jobs at a time, just to make ends meet? Friends ... I've been there. Everything I just said ... I've been in each and every one of those situations. Lived through every single one of them.

You know that they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. They say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

There's the story about the person who had the terrible day, and then later asks God why everything went wrong.
He says, "God, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise."
"Why did you let so much stuff happen to me today? I mean ... I woke up late, my car took forever to start, at luch, they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait ... On the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call, and on top of it all, when I got home, I just wanted to soak my feet in my new foot massager and relax. But it wouldn't work! Nothing went right today!! Why did you do that?"
God answered, "Let me see ... the death angel was at your bed this morning, so I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. So I let you sleep through that. I didn't let your car start, because there was a drunk driver on your route, that would have hit you if you were on the road. The first person that made your sandwich today was sick, and I didn't want you to get whatever they had, because I knew you couldn't afford to miss work. Your phone went dead, because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, so I didn't even let you talk to them, so that you would be covered. Oh ... and that foot massager ... it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think that you wanted to be in the dark."
He responded, "I'm sorry God."
"Don't be sorry. Just learn to trust me. In all things - the good times and in the bad."
"I will trust you."
"And don't doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan."

Now while everything said above is true ... and it's true, that God won't give us more than we can handle ... that doesn't mean that we won't struggle with it. And sometimes, we won't just automatically know what we are supposed to do. It doesn't mean that there won't be hard. There will be times that we have to fight tooth and nail. And even when we try SO hard to listen, and try to hear what God is telling us to do, or what the right thing is to do ... sometimes that voice is just a faint whisper. Sometimes we have to simply trust our instincts, and figure that out for ourselves. Sometimes we have to push ourselves to go outside of our comfort zone, and try something that maybe we don't know if we are ready for. Something we might not have done before. Sometimes we have to take a chance. And sometimes, we might fail. But sometimes ... taking that chance will be the greatest thing that ever happens to us. And if we don't ever take that chance, we would have never known what the world was like, on the other side of that mountain we had to climb. It's like a rainbow, after a stormy rain. Even though the sun hasn't quite come out from behind the clouds, the rain has stopped, and you begin to see the rainbow. And sometimes ... that one brave soul will follow that rainbow to the other end, to reach the pot of gold. And that's the person that reaps the biggest reward. That person that takes the biggest risk, is the one that gets the biggest benefit. But it's not without challeneges. It's not without facing fears. It's not without staring adversity in the face. But sometimes in life ... to get what we want, we have to stand up against what may seem uncomfortable. What may seem scary. What may seem different, or what we think could have the potential to hurt us. Because sometimes ... it just might be worth it.

beyond my level of comprehension

things i will never understand ...

ill never understand why ...

you would leave the one person you have ever truly been in love with, in order to attempt to settle for someone else that you know you won't be happy with, no matter what the justification.

any self-respecting woman would tolerate being with a man, KNOWING full well that he is in love with another woman.  regardless of any delusional fantasies she has that he still might have some inkling of desire to be with her.  regardless of any games that she is playing, and just the fact that she doesn't want him to be happy without her, therefore he simply must be with her instead.  SOME part of her knows that he is in love with me.  And that will never make sense to me.

how you can just completely turn off ALL emotions.  even those towards me.  How you can just leave for a week, come back, and seem to just not care about me at all.  I know you do.  Because when you sit down in front of me, and talk, you break down.  And I know that's why you are ignoring me.  And I know that's why you HAVE to shut down.  So you're capable of doing what you think is best.  I just don't know how you can do it.  I don't know WHY you do it.  I don't know why you're so dead set on leaving.  I don't know why you're so dead set on thinking this is what's best for the kids.  I disagree.  SO wholeheartedly.  This will, without a doubt, be the biggest disagreement we have for the rest of our lives.  And, yes, I say it like that, because I refuse to believe that the rest of our lives is over.  We care too much about one another for it to be over.  I'll continue to talk to a brick wall, and share my opinions, and be the loud, obnoxious, opinionated, stubborn girl that YOU fell in love with.  But I'm not giving up on you.  I care too much about you, and too much about us, to just roll over.  So ... as you think ... or don't think, as you be with her ... ok ... i'm not going to think about that, because it makes me want to throw up.  Let's start over.  So ... as you think, and spend time with the kids, and hopefully realize what I'm telling you about there being ways that we can spend just as much, or at least, ALMOST as much, but more QUALITY time with the kids ... TOGETHER ... until you realize that ... i will continue talking your brick wall.  And enduring the pain of you ignoring me everyday.  I'll bear that burden for us for now.  Just spend time with the kids.  Because that's what you need the most in your life.

I love you.  As always.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

From SelfiSH to SelfLESS

So I'm sitting in the shower this morning. Having my thinking time. As I do every day. Today, my thoughts turn to how frustrated I am, by the fact that in my 30 years of life, I feel like all I have done is spent my life trying to make everyone else happy. And now what? I am 30 years old, and have seemingly nothing to show for it. So what did I decide? Screw this. I am going to live for me. I am going to say eff the rest of em, and just look out for me. Just do what makes me happy.


Immediately, God spoke to me, and said ... No, Ann. I made you this way for a reason. There is a reason that you are the way that I made you. I made you this way, because there aren't enough people that look out for others. Philippians 2:1-7 says,0 "So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,"


Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."


I am supposed to continue being the person that I am. Continue doing everything that I can to make my friends and family and all of those around me happy. And eventually ... one day ... someone will come around that will do the same thing for me.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Aunt Ann

OK. i just need to vent about a few things real quickly. No. I have never been pregnant. i have never been through 9 1/2 months of carrying a child within myself, and going through the actual pains of childbirth (even though that I liken my pains of endometriosis to that of having contractions). So, no. I do not have children that are ACTUALLY my own. I do not have children that I have raised from day one, that live with me 24/7, and that I put up with 365 days a year. I will be the first person to admit that. I will also be the first person to tell you that I would cry from PURE JOY to see a plus sign, or two lines, or whatever other form of "positive" there is on that damn pee stick, to show that I AM pregnant, and would be able to experience all of these things. I want my own children. SO incredibly badly, that there is absolutely NO way that I can express it to you in mere words. none. whatsoever. there are ABSOLUTELY no words to express to you how badly I want children of my own.

However ... and this is a BIG however ... that does NOT mean that I do not know what I am talking about when I am talking about children. Why is that, do you ask? That is because, due to my love of children, I take my love for children to a level that most people would describe as ridiculous or extreme. The children of my best friends, those of whomever I am dating, and even those of my employees ... I treat as if they were my own. I have an entire baby room at my house - with a crib, a glider and ottoman, and a dresser. I have clothes, diapers, wipes, ointments, baby Tylenol, shampoo, bath mats, bath toys, a diaper bag, bottles, baby plates and silverware, food and snacks, and every possible other thing that you could imagine that any "typical parent" might need. I don't know how else to explain to you ... I LOVE KIDS. Everyone aforementioned ... their children have known me since they were in the womb. They all call me Aunt Ann. more than half of them come to my house on a REGULAR basis. 2 or 3 of them have lived with me for various amounts of time, and I have actually RAISED. I woke up with them i the middle of the night, I fed them 3 times a day plus snacks, I did nap time, I sang and rocked them to sleep, I clothed them, I changed the shitty diapers, I did bath time ... I. raised. them. They called me "mommy."

So for someone to tell me that I don't know what I am doing with a child, just because I didn't push one out of my vagina, or because there isn't one that lives in my house 24/7/365 ... I do actually take as an insult. because, quite frankly, I feel as though I'm a better mother than a pretty large percentage of those who have pushed that watermelon out of their vagina. It's just like when a mother adopts their child. Does that mean that they're not their mother? no. same thing here. Just because I didn't push a watermelon through a tennis ball doesn't mean that I don't know how to take care of a tiny human. It's about love. and intuition. and experience. And I can guarantee you one thing ... I have all three. Ask all of the mothers (or fathers, may it be the case), in my Facebook album entitled "My Kiddos."

that is all. end rant. F the rest of you that want to believe otherwise. quite frankly, i really just don't give a shit what you think. you can be as close minded as you want. but when we have to make a surprise stop at my house, because someone doesn't have something for their OWN child, and ... oh wait ... Aunt Ann does ... yeah. That's what I thought. Go fuck yourself.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

When one week feels like 3 years ...

If one week is 7 days, therefore 24 hrs X 7 days, therefore 60 min X each hour, and 60 sec per min ... each week = 604,800 seconds in a week

If you say one week feels like 3 years, and one year is 52 weeks, that is 94,348,800 seconds in those theoretical three years.

There is a whole lot that you can cover in that amount of time. And if you consider that one week is the equivalent to three years, then one second is the approximate equivalent to 2.5 minutes. So you're definitely going at lightning speed. And while most of that is perfectly ok with you (albeit, insane to the rest of the world), there are still things left to be covered that there simply isn't enough time to have been covered yet.

Sure ... you can establish within 23 minutes that you've found your soulmate. That ONE person in the world that accepts you for who you are, and loves you no matter what. The one who makes your heart beat faster, and you can never stop thinking about. The one you trust your whole life with. The one you WANT to make a life with ... spend the rest of your life with. Make a family with.

You can easily (or relatively easily, for the purposes of this case)decide on all of the easy things. ie, if youre sure its right, when you move in, when you get married, when you start the family, what furniture to keep, move, etc, etc, etc

But there are so many things that are so much harder ... like accepting each other's baggage, and all that comes with it. Like the fact that I have been broken up with in terrible situations more than once ... and two of them, you are theoretically both of the two guys, rolled into one. Do I want to be jealous? Do I want to worry? Hell no. I don't want to think about this bull shit at ALL! But it's there. It's always there. I can never stop thinking about it. For one, yes, of course your son is the number one person in your entire life. And therefore his mother will be there, whether I like it or not, for the next 18 years. But you want to know the truth? I fucking hate it. Know why? Because I've been there. When mother and father sit there and text or call and talk incessantly, and it always "about the kids," and it's always "so important," and half the time it doesn't have to do with shit except mom trying to get back with dad, or one trying to piss off the other one, and I'm just supposed to sit there with a damn smile on my face like everything is fucking peachy? Well guess what? It's not. Know why? Because for one, I don't even know what the hell yall are talking about, and for two, the whole time I am feeling like she is more important than me. Not your son ... her. Because it isn't "ok, here's the deal with your son," and it's over. It's always some long drawn out hour or more conversation. And you, self admittedly, have stated that you "love us all equally" ... whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.

What else bothers me? sex. and you already know it, and you already know why. I think we've officially beat this subject to a dead horse.

Last but not least. This subject is the hardest for me to talk about, and will probably be the hardest for you to read. Your mom. Now am I trying to replace her? Hell no. My mother is my OWN best friend. Am I trying to tell you not to be there for her? Hell no. I know that she needs you to be there for her. But again, if we are discussing planning a life together ... then does not that make her MY mom too? OR are WE going quickly, but you and your MOM are on an entirely different level? Just like when we talked before. How to me, I am most important, but to her, she is most important. I'm not trying to take any mother/son time away from you and her. But I also don't want you to wait until 3 months before we're supposed to get married, when you finally decide to tell her. I don't want you to be living with me, but NOT be living with me, unless mother has given you the approval for the night. And I know a lot of this sound harsh. And I don't mean for it to sound that way. And that's why I haven't said any of it yet. Because there is no easy way to.

But then there is everything else:

1) how do we want to raise our children (crying, spanking, discipline, etc)

2) how many do we want?

3) how often and honest are we going to be?

4) when we get married, and even essentially now, seeing as we have supposedly already promised the rest of our lives to each other, at which point, the two people are to become one, why is it that I am "equally loved, along with 4 other people?"

5) how do we manage our finances? what is most important? bills? private school? going out?

we have both been through shitty relationships. and we have both very recently ended some. and we both are old enough that we have figured out exactly what we want. and to the best of both of our knowledge, that is each other. we want a family. we want marriage. we want people we can trust. we just want EACH OTHER! But we have to start doing more of your favorite word (communicating) and less of your favorite activity (ummm .... duh!), and make sure we are doing what we are both sure is right. And we know that we're doing everything we can, to make it the last time. for both of us.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

The 6 Month Roller Coaster Ride From Hell

WARNING:

Must be at least 48" Tall to Ride this Ride

No Pace Makers, No Pregnant Women, and no one that is easily disturbed my motion sickness

No one that has any head, neck or back injuries, or may be disturbed by sudden jarring movements

Rated NC-17 for Violence, Foul Language, and Sexual References

And last but not least, let us remember ... "Thou shalt cast no judgement, lest ye be judged."

Let us begin ...

Now I am about to take you on the longest, crazies, most insane roller coaster ride that you can ever imagine. One that is so long, and so hellacious that you will just keep hoping, and praying that the end is somewhere in sight. There will be the slow, climbing ups, where you can hear the cranks turning, and you just know the top is eventually going to get there, and then once it does, the bottom is so far down, and you start falling so ridiculously fast, that your heart jumps into your throat, and you can't breathe, or think, and the only reaction you can make is to scream bloody murder. There will be the slow, steaming, curvacious turns, as if you were strolling along the lazy river, and then all of the sudden, you'll wind up on the of the circle wheels, that I was always afraid of when I was a kid, because I didn't want to do anything that would make me go upside down, because I couldn't decide if I was going to barf all over someone, or fall out of my seat.

And this ride ... this never ending, hellacious ride that I am describing to you ... this ride, has been my life since June 1st, 2013. One, giant 8 1/2 month roller coaster ride from HELL.

June 1st - 6 weeks before I am about to get married. All monies already invested. I find out that my fiance has been cheating on me. For ALMOST A YEAR. Approx 2 weeks later - I get "fired" for the purposes of the story from my job. No reason, at all, whatsoever. Approx 1 week later - my Maid of Honor, Matron of Honor, and 1 of 2 Bridesmaids decide to still go on my Bachelorette trip, which has been renamed, "Cheaper than a Divorce" party. We get home, at which point, My Bridesmaid and Maid of Honor/Best Friend of 16 years decide how much of a "selfish, wretched person I am," (which, at least in my own eyes, as well as the Matron of Honor, has absolutely ZERO merit), and neither one of them has said a single word to me since.

July 20 - day of my supposed wedding - mother and I travel on my honeymoon (as it has already been paid for). We re-dub it the "Mommy-Moon". At some time during this trip, my fiance (we called ourselves engaged, however we never actually did any sort of planning of a wedding, so call that what you may), finds me on facebook. We haven't spoken in over 5 years. Apparently, he has fixed some of the demons that were the cause of our demise, and has recently had a son (6 months old, at the time). We text a little while I am back in town. We decide to meet up when I get back, because apparently he is back in school and living at his sister's house, which is like a block away. When we meet up, we say, "hey, this is like old times, but minus the shitty part, we can try this again. plus, i LOVE your son."

Throughout July, Aug, Sep - I have a friend/coworker living with me. She, also has a son. The joke between us, is that I am her mother, and her son, Hunter, is my grandson. He calls us both Mom. I am still unemployed at this point, although I am applying for jobs. It's just that nothing is coming up.

Somewhere in here, my dad comes over, and talks about how trashy people with tattoos are (FYI, I have 6), they're all bad news, how dare my roommate have a biracial child, etc, etc, etc. In general, old school thinking. Get with it dad. I call my mom, and tell her I'm not talking to him anymore, because he is racist and judgmental, and can't dictate my life. We also have a family wedding coming up, to which he tells me I can't bring my boyfriend to, because he has tattoos, and that would bring shame upon the family (bc clearly, tattoos mean you are going to hell, and you can't dress up for a wedding and put on a damn long sleeve button up shirt). This then causes Mom to make the three of us (Ann, mom, and Dad, go to counseling, at which point dad pretty much admits that he doesn't see a point in going, bc he's going to do what he wants to do, and that's just all there is to it.) However, I do finally bust out and tell him that I, do in fact, have tattoos. I tell my father, who has been telling me, for 15 years, that if i ever got tattoos, he would disown me, that I had 6 tattoos. One for when my grandmother died. One for when my grandfather died. One to get me through grad school. A Bible verse. And did I go to jail? Do drugs? Become a delinquent? No. He couldn't really say much, but DAMN! Did it feel good. I also told him that for the past 10 years, how every time he mentioned something or someone with tattoos, I felt like his derogatory remarks were pointing straight at me. I told him that he was racist, and judgmental, and that I didn't appreciate any of it. And you know what? That felt good too.

>A few months later, I notice several of my belongings missing. I question roommate about it. The minute i even attempt to ask her, she flips out, and decides she is moving out, and starts packing. Guess what? Now she's gone, and so is my grandson. Another child gone. No Christmas for me and Hunter either. And then, of course, she starts sending me a million texts about how I am a terrible person, and I better watch my back, etc,etc, etc ... so I am forced to get a restraining order. Because I ... simply put ... I just aint got time got that bull shit.

A few months later, back pops up boyfriends demise. Therefore, break up with him, again, I do. And I lose my "son." Child #3, near and dear to my heart, lost in less than 6 months. And these things may seem simple, and not mean much to you ... but when you love kids as much as I do, and you WANT them as desperately as I do, and you have been putting yourself through hellish pain for 7 years, just for the mere HOPE, that you MAY be able to have your own one day, and you are used to being able to see them every day ... even thinking about it again is absolutely heart-wrenching and tear jerking.

I spend Christmas and the next few weeks by myself. In a really deep, dark place. My dad has once again, reared his ugly head, shown his true colors, and cussed me like dog shit, until the sun set. All while I a preparing to go to a job interview. Because, of course, that would be the most appropriate time to tell your daughter how worthless she is, and that she needs to get her shit straight (and yes ... that was very much so, the PG version). Until finally, I talk to my OTHER Bridesmaid, and she helps me realize ... throughout all of this bullshit, and this shitty ass, crotchety old roller coaster that needs to be torn the fuck down ... I have lost sight of me. Of who I am. The Ann that used to always walk around with a smile on her face, and joke around, and be optimistic about everything, and make everyone laugh at the stupid, retarded jokes she would make ... "Oooorrrrrrange you glad I'm not a banana???" Yes. Stupid things like that. I've lost sight of myself. Of the things I stand for. Of the kind of life I want to live.

So what do I do? I say fuck this roller coaster. I pull the emergency breaks, and I jump the hell off! Because I'm not riding this bull shit ride anymore! I'm going to find me again. The goofy, stupid, optimistic, generous, Ann that is deep inside me, trying to crawl out from this shell, otherwise known as hell, and find her way back into the sunlight. Oh, new friend, that I have never actually met. You don't have any food, because you just moved here, and you're running a tab at work to eat? That is unacceptable. Let me be slightly creepy, find out where you work, and come put a bunch of groceries in your car. Oh, new friend, that has very quickly become a very good friend, your daughter is acting inappropriately, and not listening to you? You just wait ... because she is GONNA listen to me, whether she likes it or not. oh, recently made ex boyfriend, you're finally admitting you need to go to rehab and asking for a ride? yes, by all means, let me drop what i am doing and get your ass OUT there! Therefore ... my new superhero name has become Princess Annabelle :)

But do you know what the best part about ALL of that is?!?!? As soon as the real ME started coming out ... the rest made an immediate follow. The puzzle pieces starting putting themselves together. And at such a rapid rate, that I couldn't even keep up. It's like, literally, my entire life's plan that I had in my head, but playing out in seconds rather than days, months or years.

Ex: Meet future husband online ... exchange 3 sentences each ... give him my phone number (never, ever done in my entire life)

start texting ... agree on every subject or thing we talk about. i mention that I had actually posted that same day, hours earlier about either getting in vitro, or a surrogate. He says no, we can wait on that. 23 minutes from the first text, i say, "so when are we getting married?"

he responds with a date ... only a few weeks away. so yes. he is just as insane as i am.

text another 15 minutes. we went to high school together.

we decide we must meet up. right this second. he tells me he will be waiting outside, to meet his future wife.

we establish that i have to write everything down for both of us in my day planner, bc we both have terrible memories. i say thats fine, you just have to listen to what i say, damn it!

We establish that love is like a dream, that finally comes reality.

but most importantly ...

Thursday, November 21, 2013

2-in-1 ... "To Keep FB or not to Keep" and "Update on Life/Freedom of Speech."

I. Too keep or not to keep ... that is the question


A. I started my facebook when it was just beginning, and you had too have a college email address to join (as they were adding universities, one at a time). The original purpose was two fold - to get a hold of our classmates if we had questions about anything, and didn't have their number, and so that as we graduated,, we would be able to keep in touch with one another, as we all move to various cities, states, and even countries.


When Facebook began to expand its crowd, and allow everyone to join, I was simultaneously excited, whilst also afraid. I new that it meant that I would also be able to keep in touch with my out of town friends and family, as well as work acquaintances, or class mates who had graduated early, or not at all. But, on the negative side, there are always those people that you feel obligated to "friend," ie, coworkers, people from school that you know but you really didn't like, family members that you know never liked you, or the dreaded in-laws (no, that does not imlpy that everyone's in-laws are terrible. it's just a fact of life. they exist. some people hate their inlaws.)


B. Pro's
1) Keeping in touch with old friends
2) Benefits of community - ie, local crafters, lost&found, supporting local businesses in general, first word on wrecks, concerts, etc;
3) Birthday and Anniversary Reminder!
4) it's like a digital diary, that all of your friends can write on and you can look years and years back, and see life events, pictures, and all those embarrassing things you wish you could forget. Not to mention all of the different haircut, style trends, etc. And then now, people are starting to keep FB accounts for their kids when they are born, which I personally think is an AWESOME idea ... they can see who all is in their life, have a digital diary of their ENTIRE life from the day they are born, with pictures, comments from friends, family, and loved ones ... i mean ... how freaking could is that?!?!?!
5) It's an outlet, and a release of your freedom of speech, without having to blast it across the world. If you don't want to read it, keep scrolling.


C. Con's
1) People that are two faced, and pretend to be nice to your face, and then either intentionally not invite you to something that you should be invited to, or worse yet, post a nice comment about me, and then you read something that you either don't like, or you disagree with, so you delete the nice comment you comment that you posted the other day.
2) Filtering through all of the new adds and suggestions to join candy crush, mob mafia, blah, blah ...
3) To go through through all the scammers that send you friend requests, and who know don't know who the hell they are, or the people that hack your account, and then send crazy emails to your friends, etc
4) The drama it causes, with all of the young (or old) petty facebookers out there. They see a post, call a friend and start a game of telephone (which of course, we call know, means that it changes a bit, with every additional phone call). "OMG, Girl! Did you see what Ann just posted! I can't believe it! I'm sure she was talking about me. And how bitchy was that? And you KNOW she was lying!" etc, etc, etc. How about this ... GET a life. If you don't like what i post, don't read it. But let's get real ... i dont like or agree with half of what is out there, but that doesn't mean I have to act like I'm 12 and start a drama fest. Just keep scrolling, and get over it. Nobody is forcing you to read it OR agree with it.




II. i will not delve TOO much into my personal life, bc it is just that - my personal life. I know that all of you except one (those of you that matter, is it) , know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And I'm sure that the one that does not know, WOULD know if he/she would not being so judgmental. So I'm not even going to take the time to tell you here, on a public forum, all that I am doing to rectify a problem that I DID NOT START. THAT I NEVER STARTED. THAT I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT EVER TRY TO FIX. I shouldn't have to defend myself to you. I should not have to tell you that I am the ONLY one dong ANYTHING right now, and the absolute final law has been laid down. and You, of all people, should know that, I would never leave my love to drown. And to the rest of you, that think I'm a freaking idiot for believing that fairy tells come in all shape, sizes, colors, vehicles, and houses, and pets ... screw you all. i'm not Cinderella, or Belle, or the Little Mermaid, or any of the rest of them. i like black and hot pink. on my clothes, AND in my hair. I'm not 5'6", and I don't weigh 120 lbs. I have curves, tattoos, and lots of earrings. I don't want to ride off in a horse and Chariot. Just maybe a really cool Jeep Wrangler or a Tahoe. Or if I miraculously become ridiculously rich in the next 10 years, maybe a hummer or an escalade limo. and I want cupcakes instead of a real cake. I want either one of my friends kids or one my kids (god willing, one day) to be the flower girl and ring barer. I want to wear chuck taylors- the whole wedding party. Every girl has her own idea of a fairy tail, and what a fairy tail princess is , and she sees who she's walking towards at the end of the aisle. As tattooed, as atypical, or as any other "strange" word you may wish to choose.

Cliff's note's version - Yes. I am a moron. He is a moron. We are moronically in love. Dr Seuss has a quote about it. look it up. We lost each other for over 5 years, because he was being a giant moron, and wouldn't let me help him fix his moronic ways. we found our way back together. this time, he is actually listening on the things that matter. and no. that doesn't mean that im a dictator, and i rule his life. it means that i do what i have to do, to ensure i can do as much as possible (which still isn't everything), to make sure he isn't a COMPLETE moron. And yes. we fight. because we're both very stubborn. And we both always want to be right. And neither of us want to be told what to do. And when either of feel like shit, we're in TERRIBLE moods. But if one of feels good, when the other feels bad, we will jump up and over the moon and back, to do any and everything we can to make it better. To the extent last night, that I kept asking him so many thing, "Can I do this? Do you want this?," that he finally told me to just be quiet and leave him alone. But let's be honest ... what relationship is perfect? None. thats which one. And if it is, it's because you don't know that he has been cheating on you behind your back for 10 months. Annnddd ... a far as I'm concerned, I would LOVE for all of our friends and family to be involved in our lives. But only in a supportive manner. We both have a lot of very serious stressors in our lives. if you don't know what they are, you either aren't very observant, or you don't listen very well. So if the support isn't there for one or both of us, don't prepare to see one or much of the other. We are a team. And we support each other(note ... yes, i am speaking for myself only as he is currently asleep, and unavailable to consult, and i don't want to attach his name to anything without his permission, although i am about 99.9% sure he would agree). The main goal of my life, at the moment, is to delete as many unnessesary BS as possible, and aim for as much simplicity as possible. I already have a ton of UNavoidale BS, so let's gert rid of as much as I can.




III. Solutions

A. Delete facebook all together

B. Do a SERIOUS deleting session of about 80% of my friends list

C. Any other brilliant ideas that you all might have. I'm up for suggestions ...