Thank you all for your time, in reading this short blog! It means SO much to us and our cause. Please share with everyone you can think of! Let’s spread this like wildfire, for two reasons … To get the words out that MS’s justice system isn’t as pristine as they like everyone to think it is, and to get more justice in our lives! Thanks so much everyone J
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Why Justice isn't Always JUST
Thank you all for your time, in reading this short blog! It means SO much to us and our cause. Please share with everyone you can think of! Let’s spread this like wildfire, for two reasons … To get the words out that MS’s justice system isn’t as pristine as they like everyone to think it is, and to get more justice in our lives! Thanks so much everyone J
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
When I'm With You ...
Monday, February 1, 2016
For those of you that are too damn nosey for your own good
Saturday, January 16, 2016
You know when ...
To my future daughter/neices/all single women ... and those guys that are just nosey
You can glue a broken plate back together, but it's never the same.
How I've always felt about you. And still do.
It's funny to me, how the first way I say that I knew that I loved you was the first time I saw your rage. I say that because I felt like it was because you were going to make Memphis and Chop get along, because they HAD to. Because they were going to be together forever. Because it made me feel protected. Like you would always protect me.
Little did I know, that half a year later ... after broken picture frames, and broken mirrors ... broken plates, and holes in the walls ... holes in the doors, and holes in my heart ... after you had me crying and wishing I could crawl away into one of your holes in the wall ... or sitting on the couch trying to be as still and quiet as I could, hoping not to bring out the demon inside you ... little did I know that that same rage that made me love you, would be brought against me.
As messed up as it all is ... I still love you. And I don't know if it's because I know who are, or if it's because I know who you COULD be. I don't know if it's because I just fell in love with all of the broken promises, or all of the perfect things you told me. I don't know if it's because we both just wanted someone to come home to at night. But I made you a promise so early on, and I never broke it. A promise that I would never give up on you. Even when you put holes in the walls of our house, and instead of fixing them, you just covered them up instead of taking the time to actually FIX them, I never gave up on you. And even when you picked up Chop off of me and threw him across the room, to make me get out of bed, I still never gave up on you. Even when you pulled me up off of the couch by my shirt, choking me, I still never gave up on you. Even now that you're gone, I still am trying every way I know how, to get you to understand ... I never gave up on you. You did. You gave up on yourself, you gave up on me, and you gave up on us. You gave up on "now and forever more." You gave up on our family. You gave up on a promise that you made me, that you would never leave, and that you would always make it work. And even if you still don't want us to be together, that's fine. But I still need you to know ... I NEVER GAVE UP ON YOU.
But I lied to you in the beginning. About something trivial (at least, to me). We won't mention anything you did, because apparently what I did was all that mattered, and everything you did not matter one bit. And ever since then, you didn't believe anything I said. You didn't see anything I did. You never saw that I worked on the days I could barely get out of bed. You never saw all the days that I woke up on my days off, just to wake you up, or bring you coffee in bed. All you saw were the things I DIDN'T do. The days you didn't have the "right" clean underwear. Or the days you had to walk to the dryer to get clean socks. You never washed a single dish the entire time you lived here. You didn't even know where anything WAS in the kitchen. You didn't think about all the times I could have gone and spent my money on myself, and done something I wanted to do. But instead, I spent it on you. Something I knew you would like. On food. On tires. On clothes for you. On the kids. On anything BUT me. To you, it was just "my choice." And it was. But I could never mention that to you. Because then I was holding it over your head. And I didn't want to hold it over your head. I wanted you to realize, and acknowledge, that you had the best thing you ever had. That you had someone that truly cared more about you than they cared about themselves. Because that's when you know you have the relationship you're supposed to be in forever. That's called selfLESS love - putting the other person first. But in our relationship, we BOTH put you first. And that's not fair. And that's why we would always fight. Because even when we would disagree about something, whenever I started to talk ... you just wanted to hear yourself speak.
I promised you I wouldn't call the police. Why in the WORLD do you think I begged Kevin all day to come??? And as far as why I even said I wanted you to leave in the FIRST place ... #1) You said you were leavin anyway. Did I want you to? Hell no. Of course not. I love you, and I want/wanted us to work it out. I thought we needed some time apart ... maybe you stay at your mom's for a week or something ... I don't know. #2) B ... the minute you put your hands on me, things changed. And the more I thought about it, the more things had escalated. And you keep saying that it was me, and that I had made you do it, but I didn't make you do anything. I was in bed trying to sleep, and you would come in there once every hour being mad about something else. I wasn't even WITH you, and you kept coming in there TO ME! I'm sorry, but yes. I WAS scared to be around you by myself. Until you had cooled off, I WAS SCARED. And I have every valid right to feel that way. And trust me ... I told Betsy a thousand times that I wasn't calling the cops. WHY? BECAUSE I love you, BECAUSE I wasn't trying to cause any trouble, and BECAUSE I didn't want to get you in trouble. Read everything I said to Kevin. That's the exact same thing I told him! But if she never told me that she was even going to, until after she did ... I'm sorry, but I don't know how you think I am supposed to control someone's actions who isn't anywhere around me, about something I don't even know she's doing.
So many things keep running through my head. You probably never even loved me. We were probably never even GOING to get married. You were probably just using me the whole time. Nobody could ever PHYSICALLY hurt the person they love, and then just walk away, and never talk to them again. It's just not that easy. And not even want to know why they told them to leave? Or even care? Not possible. And if you CAN walk away, and have zero interest in talking to them about absolutely nothing ... not care that they racked up $25,000 in credit cards in the six months you were together, plus YOUR car, and you want to take it ALL with you, but not pay for it, or even TALK about how it's going to get paid ... clearly you just don't care. So the question remains ... why do I care?
For the record ... I WAS serious about getting married. When I said I wanted to write our own vows, I actually did ... So here they are:
I know we found each other a little bit later in life ... But if I could do it all over again, I would choose you every single time. I would wait another ten years, if it meant I would still get to spend the rest of my life with you. Now that I have you in my life, I know that each day will be a happy, exciting, adventurous, and peaceful one. You make me heart and soul smile, in a way that it never has before. I want to thank you with all of my heart for making the last year the best year of my life, thus far. It was in 2015, that we met, that we became closer, and that we finally began to understand one another. And I know that this year, and every other year of my life, will bring me even more happiness, as long as you are by my side each and every moment. I promise that I will always continue to not only tell you, but to SHOW you, how much I love you. That you are the most important person in my life. That I will always put your wants and needs before my own. I look forward to many, many more amazing years with you by my side. I wish you all of the happiness in the world, my dear handsome amazing partner, in our life to come. You are, and always will be, the pillar of my strength. You are my strength. You are my rock. I will never stop looking up to you. I look up to you in times of conflict, and I will stand behind you to keep your feet firm. I will always support you, and I will never, EVER give up on you. You are my forever.
I know that everything you do, you do for our family. And you do things every day that make me even more proud of you than I thought I could ever be. Every time I look at you, I know that I am marrying the right man. I know that I have finally found the one person who has learned to accept me for who I am. Who loves me for everything I have to offer him. I know that I will be spending the rest of my life with my best friend. When I look in your eyes, I am home. When I look in your heart, I know I have found my true love. In your soul, I have finally found my mate. With you, I am finally whole. I'm full, and alive. You make me laugh. You're my rock. You are what keeps me going every day. You are what inspires me. What are the magic in my days. You make me laugh, and you teach me the meaning of love. You keep me at peace. You provide a safe place for my heart, unlike anywhere I've ever known. You are more of an amazement to me every single day.
I love you. Today and every day. And no matter what happens ... no matter the argument, no matter what problems we face ... I vow to you that I will be willing to put in the effort to fix it. I always told you ... I will be getting married once, and it will be for the rest of my life. And like you've always said ... You're stuck with me forever. I am yours and you are mine. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and every other day. Until the day we die.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
You planted a seed in me
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Being in love with you means ...
1) you're my best friend.
2) my confidant.
3) you're my sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray.
4) I will always be honest with you. I will never lie or deceive you. I couldn't, even if I tried.
5) I want to do anything and everything I can to help you. To make your day and life easier. Bc when you're happy, it makes me happy.
6) you're my lover. But it's more than that ... Read the lyrics to Ludacris' "Nasty Girl"
7) that I accept both of our pasts for what they are, and even appreciate them. Bc if it weren't for what we both came from, we wouldn't be together today. Our past made us who we are now. They taught us more than we could ever know. And a huge part of how we communicate with one another is based off of what we each learned in our past failed relationships.
8) I always be in your corner. I will always be on your side. I will always be on your team, and cheering you on. And even when I think you're wrong or i disagree with you ... No one will know but me and you ... But I will tell you as respectfully as I can, and I will tell you why.
9) you will never be hungry. And if you are, I'll be hungry with you, and it will be bc were at a really terrible time in our life. But I will be right by your side through it all.
10) you'll be the Clyde to my Bonnie.
11) we will fall off the couch, laughing in our underwear, every time you get a Charlie horse.
12) I'll always wake you up, every morning, with a cup of coffee ... Or something better ;)
13) we will make time for fun things every once n a while, like concerts or going out of town. Bc sometimes, we just deserve to have a little fun.
14) I'll never take you for granted. And I will always do everything within my power to make you as happy as you make me. Each and every day.
15) you complete me. I know it seems cliche and terrible. I know I'm not supposed to say things like that. I know that I am supposed to be "enough" on my own, and all of these other things ... And Lord knows that I have been there and done all of those things too. We both have. But when I just sit and think of all I could ever want in life ... What am I lacking that I CANNOT give myself ... It's you. You're the person by my side, that I can always talk to. The one that makes me smile when I'm having a bad day. The one I get to come home to every day. The one I get to go to bed with every night. The face I wake up to every morning. The voice the tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful. The hand that pulls my hair and grabs my ass. The eyes that watch over me, and can read my soul. YOU are everything I always needed but never knew I wanted. I didn't know how bad I needed you until you were here. And that's why everything is so different now. I am so different now. You'll never completely know who I was before, because I'll never completely be the same again. You've changed me. But I love so very much who I am today. I love this person because I love who I am when I'm with you.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Standing Up
We all know all of the typical quotes. Or quotations, if you really and truly want me to be grammatically correct.
"Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody is going to know whether you did it or not."
-Oprah Winfrey
"Nothing is at last sacred but the inegrity of your own mind."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul and a trait of a true coward. There is nothing intelligent about not standing up for yourself. You may not win every battle. However - everyone will at least know what you stood for - YOU!"
-Shannon L. Adler
"If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything."
Gordan A. Eadie
"Stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone."
Sophie Scholl
These quotes are all different ways of essentially saying the same thing. Always do what your heart leads you to do. Even when it's hard. Even when it goes against the grain. Even when society may not want you to do it. Even when you may not have anyone by your side. Because when you genuinely know, in your heart of hearts, that what you're doing is the right thing, then that will always eventually come to light in the end ... whether your intentions are to protect the innocent in the future, or to help bring justice to the guilty in the present. It is not our right, as people, to judge ANYone. That is God's right, alone. However, it IS our right to help protect our fellow brothers and sisters. And if we do not speak up and bring these situations to light that need to be spoken about, and continue to avoid them, or sweep them under the rug, so to say, then our world will continue to become more and more corrupt, and continue to become a worse and worse, and less safe place to raise OUR children. We must stand up for what we KNOW is right. And refuse to accept anything less!
So ... I know right about now, you are all wondering what in the craw-fish I'm talking about and/or referring to. Well ... As one of the quotations says above ... I'm not writing all of this so that everyone knows WHY I am doing what I'm doing. If you should come to find out, well, then good for you. You know. Just know that the REASON I am doing is NOT because of me. It is so that it will not happen to anyone else. And if you DON'T know what I'm talking about, then that's just fine and dandy too ... because I still personally think that it's great advice ;)
So stand tall. Stand firm. And stand confident, in knowing that even if you are standing alone ... you are doing the right thing.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
When the voice is only a faint whisper ...
You know that they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. They say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.
There's the story about the person who had the terrible day, and then later asks God why everything went wrong.
He says, "God, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise."
"Why did you let so much stuff happen to me today? I mean ... I woke up late, my car took forever to start, at luch, they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait ... On the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call, and on top of it all, when I got home, I just wanted to soak my feet in my new foot massager and relax. But it wouldn't work! Nothing went right today!! Why did you do that?"
God answered, "Let me see ... the death angel was at your bed this morning, so I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. So I let you sleep through that. I didn't let your car start, because there was a drunk driver on your route, that would have hit you if you were on the road. The first person that made your sandwich today was sick, and I didn't want you to get whatever they had, because I knew you couldn't afford to miss work. Your phone went dead, because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, so I didn't even let you talk to them, so that you would be covered. Oh ... and that foot massager ... it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think that you wanted to be in the dark."
He responded, "I'm sorry God."
"Don't be sorry. Just learn to trust me. In all things - the good times and in the bad."
"I will trust you."
"And don't doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan."
Now while everything said above is true ... and it's true, that God won't give us more than we can handle ... that doesn't mean that we won't struggle with it. And sometimes, we won't just automatically know what we are supposed to do. It doesn't mean that there won't be hard. There will be times that we have to fight tooth and nail. And even when we try SO hard to listen, and try to hear what God is telling us to do, or what the right thing is to do ... sometimes that voice is just a faint whisper. Sometimes we have to simply trust our instincts, and figure that out for ourselves. Sometimes we have to push ourselves to go outside of our comfort zone, and try something that maybe we don't know if we are ready for. Something we might not have done before. Sometimes we have to take a chance. And sometimes, we might fail. But sometimes ... taking that chance will be the greatest thing that ever happens to us. And if we don't ever take that chance, we would have never known what the world was like, on the other side of that mountain we had to climb. It's like a rainbow, after a stormy rain. Even though the sun hasn't quite come out from behind the clouds, the rain has stopped, and you begin to see the rainbow. And sometimes ... that one brave soul will follow that rainbow to the other end, to reach the pot of gold. And that's the person that reaps the biggest reward. That person that takes the biggest risk, is the one that gets the biggest benefit. But it's not without challeneges. It's not without facing fears. It's not without staring adversity in the face. But sometimes in life ... to get what we want, we have to stand up against what may seem uncomfortable. What may seem scary. What may seem different, or what we think could have the potential to hurt us. Because sometimes ... it just might be worth it.
beyond my level of comprehension
ill never understand why ...
you would leave the one person you have ever truly been in love with, in order to attempt to settle for someone else that you know you won't be happy with, no matter what the justification.
any self-respecting woman would tolerate being with a man, KNOWING full well that he is in love with another woman. regardless of any delusional fantasies she has that he still might have some inkling of desire to be with her. regardless of any games that she is playing, and just the fact that she doesn't want him to be happy without her, therefore he simply must be with her instead. SOME part of her knows that he is in love with me. And that will never make sense to me.
how you can just completely turn off ALL emotions. even those towards me. How you can just leave for a week, come back, and seem to just not care about me at all. I know you do. Because when you sit down in front of me, and talk, you break down. And I know that's why you are ignoring me. And I know that's why you HAVE to shut down. So you're capable of doing what you think is best. I just don't know how you can do it. I don't know WHY you do it. I don't know why you're so dead set on leaving. I don't know why you're so dead set on thinking this is what's best for the kids. I disagree. SO wholeheartedly. This will, without a doubt, be the biggest disagreement we have for the rest of our lives. And, yes, I say it like that, because I refuse to believe that the rest of our lives is over. We care too much about one another for it to be over. I'll continue to talk to a brick wall, and share my opinions, and be the loud, obnoxious, opinionated, stubborn girl that YOU fell in love with. But I'm not giving up on you. I care too much about you, and too much about us, to just roll over. So ... as you think ... or don't think, as you be with her ... ok ... i'm not going to think about that, because it makes me want to throw up. Let's start over. So ... as you think, and spend time with the kids, and hopefully realize what I'm telling you about there being ways that we can spend just as much, or at least, ALMOST as much, but more QUALITY time with the kids ... TOGETHER ... until you realize that ... i will continue talking your brick wall. And enduring the pain of you ignoring me everyday. I'll bear that burden for us for now. Just spend time with the kids. Because that's what you need the most in your life.
I love you. As always.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
From SelfiSH to SelfLESS
So I'm sitting in the shower this morning. Having my thinking time. As I do every day. Today, my thoughts turn to how frustrated I am, by the fact that in my 30 years of life, I feel like all I have done is spent my life trying to make everyone else happy. And now what? I am 30 years old, and have seemingly nothing to show for it. So what did I decide? Screw this. I am going to live for me. I am going to say eff the rest of em, and just look out for me. Just do what makes me happy.
Immediately, God spoke to me, and said ... No, Ann. I made you this way for a reason. There is a reason that you are the way that I made you. I made you this way, because there aren't enough people that look out for others. Philippians 2:1-7 says,0 "So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,"
Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."
I am supposed to continue being the person that I am. Continue doing everything that I can to make my friends and family and all of those around me happy. And eventually ... one day ... someone will come around that will do the same thing for me.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Aunt Ann
OK. i just need to vent about a few things real quickly. No. I have never been pregnant. i have never been through 9 1/2 months of carrying a child within myself, and going through the actual pains of childbirth (even though that I liken my pains of endometriosis to that of having contractions). So, no. I do not have children that are ACTUALLY my own. I do not have children that I have raised from day one, that live with me 24/7, and that I put up with 365 days a year. I will be the first person to admit that. I will also be the first person to tell you that I would cry from PURE JOY to see a plus sign, or two lines, or whatever other form of "positive" there is on that damn pee stick, to show that I AM pregnant, and would be able to experience all of these things. I want my own children. SO incredibly badly, that there is absolutely NO way that I can express it to you in mere words. none. whatsoever. there are ABSOLUTELY no words to express to you how badly I want children of my own.
However ... and this is a BIG however ... that does NOT mean that I do not know what I am talking about when I am talking about children. Why is that, do you ask? That is because, due to my love of children, I take my love for children to a level that most people would describe as ridiculous or extreme. The children of my best friends, those of whomever I am dating, and even those of my employees ... I treat as if they were my own. I have an entire baby room at my house - with a crib, a glider and ottoman, and a dresser. I have clothes, diapers, wipes, ointments, baby Tylenol, shampoo, bath mats, bath toys, a diaper bag, bottles, baby plates and silverware, food and snacks, and every possible other thing that you could imagine that any "typical parent" might need. I don't know how else to explain to you ... I LOVE KIDS. Everyone aforementioned ... their children have known me since they were in the womb. They all call me Aunt Ann. more than half of them come to my house on a REGULAR basis. 2 or 3 of them have lived with me for various amounts of time, and I have actually RAISED. I woke up with them i the middle of the night, I fed them 3 times a day plus snacks, I did nap time, I sang and rocked them to sleep, I clothed them, I changed the shitty diapers, I did bath time ... I. raised. them. They called me "mommy."
So for someone to tell me that I don't know what I am doing with a child, just because I didn't push one out of my vagina, or because there isn't one that lives in my house 24/7/365 ... I do actually take as an insult. because, quite frankly, I feel as though I'm a better mother than a pretty large percentage of those who have pushed that watermelon out of their vagina. It's just like when a mother adopts their child. Does that mean that they're not their mother? no. same thing here. Just because I didn't push a watermelon through a tennis ball doesn't mean that I don't know how to take care of a tiny human. It's about love. and intuition. and experience. And I can guarantee you one thing ... I have all three. Ask all of the mothers (or fathers, may it be the case), in my Facebook album entitled "My Kiddos."
that is all. end rant. F the rest of you that want to believe otherwise. quite frankly, i really just don't give a shit what you think. you can be as close minded as you want. but when we have to make a surprise stop at my house, because someone doesn't have something for their OWN child, and ... oh wait ... Aunt Ann does ... yeah. That's what I thought. Go fuck yourself.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
When one week feels like 3 years ...
If one week is 7 days, therefore 24 hrs X 7 days, therefore 60 min X each hour, and 60 sec per min ... each week = 604,800 seconds in a week
If you say one week feels like 3 years, and one year is 52 weeks, that is 94,348,800 seconds in those theoretical three years.
There is a whole lot that you can cover in that amount of time. And if you consider that one week is the equivalent to three years, then one second is the approximate equivalent to 2.5 minutes. So you're definitely going at lightning speed. And while most of that is perfectly ok with you (albeit, insane to the rest of the world), there are still things left to be covered that there simply isn't enough time to have been covered yet.
Sure ... you can establish within 23 minutes that you've found your soulmate. That ONE person in the world that accepts you for who you are, and loves you no matter what. The one who makes your heart beat faster, and you can never stop thinking about. The one you trust your whole life with. The one you WANT to make a life with ... spend the rest of your life with. Make a family with.
You can easily (or relatively easily, for the purposes of this case)decide on all of the easy things. ie, if youre sure its right, when you move in, when you get married, when you start the family, what furniture to keep, move, etc, etc, etc
But there are so many things that are so much harder ... like accepting each other's baggage, and all that comes with it. Like the fact that I have been broken up with in terrible situations more than once ... and two of them, you are theoretically both of the two guys, rolled into one. Do I want to be jealous? Do I want to worry? Hell no. I don't want to think about this bull shit at ALL! But it's there. It's always there. I can never stop thinking about it. For one, yes, of course your son is the number one person in your entire life. And therefore his mother will be there, whether I like it or not, for the next 18 years. But you want to know the truth? I fucking hate it. Know why? Because I've been there. When mother and father sit there and text or call and talk incessantly, and it always "about the kids," and it's always "so important," and half the time it doesn't have to do with shit except mom trying to get back with dad, or one trying to piss off the other one, and I'm just supposed to sit there with a damn smile on my face like everything is fucking peachy? Well guess what? It's not. Know why? Because for one, I don't even know what the hell yall are talking about, and for two, the whole time I am feeling like she is more important than me. Not your son ... her. Because it isn't "ok, here's the deal with your son," and it's over. It's always some long drawn out hour or more conversation. And you, self admittedly, have stated that you "love us all equally" ... whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.
What else bothers me? sex. and you already know it, and you already know why. I think we've officially beat this subject to a dead horse.
Last but not least. This subject is the hardest for me to talk about, and will probably be the hardest for you to read. Your mom. Now am I trying to replace her? Hell no. My mother is my OWN best friend. Am I trying to tell you not to be there for her? Hell no. I know that she needs you to be there for her. But again, if we are discussing planning a life together ... then does not that make her MY mom too? OR are WE going quickly, but you and your MOM are on an entirely different level? Just like when we talked before. How to me, I am most important, but to her, she is most important. I'm not trying to take any mother/son time away from you and her. But I also don't want you to wait until 3 months before we're supposed to get married, when you finally decide to tell her. I don't want you to be living with me, but NOT be living with me, unless mother has given you the approval for the night. And I know a lot of this sound harsh. And I don't mean for it to sound that way. And that's why I haven't said any of it yet. Because there is no easy way to.
But then there is everything else:
1) how do we want to raise our children (crying, spanking, discipline, etc)
2) how many do we want?
3) how often and honest are we going to be?
4) when we get married, and even essentially now, seeing as we have supposedly already promised the rest of our lives to each other, at which point, the two people are to become one, why is it that I am "equally loved, along with 4 other people?"
5) how do we manage our finances? what is most important? bills? private school? going out?
we have both been through shitty relationships. and we have both very recently ended some. and we both are old enough that we have figured out exactly what we want. and to the best of both of our knowledge, that is each other. we want a family. we want marriage. we want people we can trust. we just want EACH OTHER! But we have to start doing more of your favorite word (communicating) and less of your favorite activity (ummm .... duh!), and make sure we are doing what we are both sure is right. And we know that we're doing everything we can, to make it the last time. for both of us.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
The 6 Month Roller Coaster Ride From Hell
WARNING:
Must be at least 48" Tall to Ride this Ride
No Pace Makers, No Pregnant Women, and no one that is easily disturbed my motion sickness
No one that has any head, neck or back injuries, or may be disturbed by sudden jarring movements
Rated NC-17 for Violence, Foul Language, and Sexual References
And last but not least, let us remember ... "Thou shalt cast no judgement, lest ye be judged."
Let us begin ...
Now I am about to take you on the longest, crazies, most insane roller coaster ride that you can ever imagine. One that is so long, and so hellacious that you will just keep hoping, and praying that the end is somewhere in sight. There will be the slow, climbing ups, where you can hear the cranks turning, and you just know the top is eventually going to get there, and then once it does, the bottom is so far down, and you start falling so ridiculously fast, that your heart jumps into your throat, and you can't breathe, or think, and the only reaction you can make is to scream bloody murder. There will be the slow, steaming, curvacious turns, as if you were strolling along the lazy river, and then all of the sudden, you'll wind up on the of the circle wheels, that I was always afraid of when I was a kid, because I didn't want to do anything that would make me go upside down, because I couldn't decide if I was going to barf all over someone, or fall out of my seat.
And this ride ... this never ending, hellacious ride that I am describing to you ... this ride, has been my life since June 1st, 2013. One, giant 8 1/2 month roller coaster ride from HELL.
June 1st - 6 weeks before I am about to get married. All monies already invested. I find out that my fiance has been cheating on me. For ALMOST A YEAR. Approx 2 weeks later - I get "fired" for the purposes of the story from my job. No reason, at all, whatsoever. Approx 1 week later - my Maid of Honor, Matron of Honor, and 1 of 2 Bridesmaids decide to still go on my Bachelorette trip, which has been renamed, "Cheaper than a Divorce" party. We get home, at which point, My Bridesmaid and Maid of Honor/Best Friend of 16 years decide how much of a "selfish, wretched person I am," (which, at least in my own eyes, as well as the Matron of Honor, has absolutely ZERO merit), and neither one of them has said a single word to me since.
July 20 - day of my supposed wedding - mother and I travel on my honeymoon (as it has already been paid for). We re-dub it the "Mommy-Moon". At some time during this trip, my fiance (we called ourselves engaged, however we never actually did any sort of planning of a wedding, so call that what you may), finds me on facebook. We haven't spoken in over 5 years. Apparently, he has fixed some of the demons that were the cause of our demise, and has recently had a son (6 months old, at the time). We text a little while I am back in town. We decide to meet up when I get back, because apparently he is back in school and living at his sister's house, which is like a block away. When we meet up, we say, "hey, this is like old times, but minus the shitty part, we can try this again. plus, i LOVE your son."
Throughout July, Aug, Sep - I have a friend/coworker living with me. She, also has a son. The joke between us, is that I am her mother, and her son, Hunter, is my grandson. He calls us both Mom. I am still unemployed at this point, although I am applying for jobs. It's just that nothing is coming up.
Somewhere in here, my dad comes over, and talks about how trashy people with tattoos are (FYI, I have 6), they're all bad news, how dare my roommate have a biracial child, etc, etc, etc. In general, old school thinking. Get with it dad. I call my mom, and tell her I'm not talking to him anymore, because he is racist and judgmental, and can't dictate my life. We also have a family wedding coming up, to which he tells me I can't bring my boyfriend to, because he has tattoos, and that would bring shame upon the family (bc clearly, tattoos mean you are going to hell, and you can't dress up for a wedding and put on a damn long sleeve button up shirt). This then causes Mom to make the three of us (Ann, mom, and Dad, go to counseling, at which point dad pretty much admits that he doesn't see a point in going, bc he's going to do what he wants to do, and that's just all there is to it.) However, I do finally bust out and tell him that I, do in fact, have tattoos. I tell my father, who has been telling me, for 15 years, that if i ever got tattoos, he would disown me, that I had 6 tattoos. One for when my grandmother died. One for when my grandfather died. One to get me through grad school. A Bible verse. And did I go to jail? Do drugs? Become a delinquent? No. He couldn't really say much, but DAMN! Did it feel good. I also told him that for the past 10 years, how every time he mentioned something or someone with tattoos, I felt like his derogatory remarks were pointing straight at me. I told him that he was racist, and judgmental, and that I didn't appreciate any of it. And you know what? That felt good too.
>A few months later, I notice several of my belongings missing. I question roommate about it. The minute i even attempt to ask her, she flips out, and decides she is moving out, and starts packing. Guess what? Now she's gone, and so is my grandson. Another child gone. No Christmas for me and Hunter either. And then, of course, she starts sending me a million texts about how I am a terrible person, and I better watch my back, etc,etc, etc ... so I am forced to get a restraining order. Because I ... simply put ... I just aint got time got that bull shit.
A few months later, back pops up boyfriends demise. Therefore, break up with him, again, I do. And I lose my "son." Child #3, near and dear to my heart, lost in less than 6 months. And these things may seem simple, and not mean much to you ... but when you love kids as much as I do, and you WANT them as desperately as I do, and you have been putting yourself through hellish pain for 7 years, just for the mere HOPE, that you MAY be able to have your own one day, and you are used to being able to see them every day ... even thinking about it again is absolutely heart-wrenching and tear jerking.
I spend Christmas and the next few weeks by myself. In a really deep, dark place. My dad has once again, reared his ugly head, shown his true colors, and cussed me like dog shit, until the sun set. All while I a preparing to go to a job interview. Because, of course, that would be the most appropriate time to tell your daughter how worthless she is, and that she needs to get her shit straight (and yes ... that was very much so, the PG version). Until finally, I talk to my OTHER Bridesmaid, and she helps me realize ... throughout all of this bullshit, and this shitty ass, crotchety old roller coaster that needs to be torn the fuck down ... I have lost sight of me. Of who I am. The Ann that used to always walk around with a smile on her face, and joke around, and be optimistic about everything, and make everyone laugh at the stupid, retarded jokes she would make ... "Oooorrrrrrange you glad I'm not a banana???" Yes. Stupid things like that. I've lost sight of myself. Of the things I stand for. Of the kind of life I want to live.
So what do I do? I say fuck this roller coaster. I pull the emergency breaks, and I jump the hell off! Because I'm not riding this bull shit ride anymore! I'm going to find me again. The goofy, stupid, optimistic, generous, Ann that is deep inside me, trying to crawl out from this shell, otherwise known as hell, and find her way back into the sunlight. Oh, new friend, that I have never actually met. You don't have any food, because you just moved here, and you're running a tab at work to eat? That is unacceptable. Let me be slightly creepy, find out where you work, and come put a bunch of groceries in your car. Oh, new friend, that has very quickly become a very good friend, your daughter is acting inappropriately, and not listening to you? You just wait ... because she is GONNA listen to me, whether she likes it or not. oh, recently made ex boyfriend, you're finally admitting you need to go to rehab and asking for a ride? yes, by all means, let me drop what i am doing and get your ass OUT there! Therefore ... my new superhero name has become Princess Annabelle :)
But do you know what the best part about ALL of that is?!?!? As soon as the real ME started coming out ... the rest made an immediate follow. The puzzle pieces starting putting themselves together. And at such a rapid rate, that I couldn't even keep up. It's like, literally, my entire life's plan that I had in my head, but playing out in seconds rather than days, months or years.
Ex: Meet future husband online ... exchange 3 sentences each ... give him my phone number (never, ever done in my entire life)
start texting ... agree on every subject or thing we talk about. i mention that I had actually posted that same day, hours earlier about either getting in vitro, or a surrogate. He says no, we can wait on that. 23 minutes from the first text, i say, "so when are we getting married?"
he responds with a date ... only a few weeks away. so yes. he is just as insane as i am.
text another 15 minutes. we went to high school together.
we decide we must meet up. right this second. he tells me he will be waiting outside, to meet his future wife.
we establish that i have to write everything down for both of us in my day planner, bc we both have terrible memories. i say thats fine, you just have to listen to what i say, damn it!
We establish that love is like a dream, that finally comes reality. but most importantly ...Thursday, November 21, 2013
2-in-1 ... "To Keep FB or not to Keep" and "Update on Life/Freedom of Speech."
A. I started my facebook when it was just beginning, and you had too have a college email address to join (as they were adding universities, one at a time). The original purpose was two fold - to get a hold of our classmates if we had questions about anything, and didn't have their number, and so that as we graduated,, we would be able to keep in touch with one another, as we all move to various cities, states, and even countries.
When Facebook began to expand its crowd, and allow everyone to join, I was simultaneously excited, whilst also afraid. I new that it meant that I would also be able to keep in touch with my out of town friends and family, as well as work acquaintances, or class mates who had graduated early, or not at all. But, on the negative side, there are always those people that you feel obligated to "friend," ie, coworkers, people from school that you know but you really didn't like, family members that you know never liked you, or the dreaded in-laws (no, that does not imlpy that everyone's in-laws are terrible. it's just a fact of life. they exist. some people hate their inlaws.)
B. Pro's
1) Keeping in touch with old friends
2) Benefits of community - ie, local crafters, lost&found, supporting local businesses in general, first word on wrecks, concerts, etc;
3) Birthday and Anniversary Reminder!
4) it's like a digital diary, that all of your friends can write on and you can look years and years back, and see life events, pictures, and all those embarrassing things you wish you could forget. Not to mention all of the different haircut, style trends, etc. And then now, people are starting to keep FB accounts for their kids when they are born, which I personally think is an AWESOME idea ... they can see who all is in their life, have a digital diary of their ENTIRE life from the day they are born, with pictures, comments from friends, family, and loved ones ... i mean ... how freaking could is that?!?!?!
5) It's an outlet, and a release of your freedom of speech, without having to blast it across the world. If you don't want to read it, keep scrolling.
C. Con's
1) People that are two faced, and pretend to be nice to your face, and then either intentionally not invite you to something that you should be invited to, or worse yet, post a nice comment about me, and then you read something that you either don't like, or you disagree with, so you delete the nice comment you comment that you posted the other day.
2) Filtering through all of the new adds and suggestions to join candy crush, mob mafia, blah, blah ...
3) To go through through all the scammers that send you friend requests, and who know don't know who the hell they are, or the people that hack your account, and then send crazy emails to your friends, etc
4) The drama it causes, with all of the young (or old) petty facebookers out there. They see a post, call a friend and start a game of telephone (which of course, we call know, means that it changes a bit, with every additional phone call). "OMG, Girl! Did you see what Ann just posted! I can't believe it! I'm sure she was talking about me. And how bitchy was that? And you KNOW she was lying!" etc, etc, etc. How about this ... GET a life. If you don't like what i post, don't read it. But let's get real ... i dont like or agree with half of what is out there, but that doesn't mean I have to act like I'm 12 and start a drama fest. Just keep scrolling, and get over it. Nobody is forcing you to read it OR agree with it.
II. i will not delve TOO much into my personal life, bc it is just that - my personal life. I know that all of you except one (those of you that matter, is it) , know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And I'm sure that the one that does not know, WOULD know if he/she would not being so judgmental. So I'm not even going to take the time to tell you here, on a public forum, all that I am doing to rectify a problem that I DID NOT START. THAT I NEVER STARTED. THAT I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT EVER TRY TO FIX. I shouldn't have to defend myself to you. I should not have to tell you that I am the ONLY one dong ANYTHING right now, and the absolute final law has been laid down. and You, of all people, should know that, I would never leave my love to drown. And to the rest of you, that think I'm a freaking idiot for believing that fairy tells come in all shape, sizes, colors, vehicles, and houses, and pets ... screw you all. i'm not Cinderella, or Belle, or the Little Mermaid, or any of the rest of them. i like black and hot pink. on my clothes, AND in my hair. I'm not 5'6", and I don't weigh 120 lbs. I have curves, tattoos, and lots of earrings. I don't want to ride off in a horse and Chariot. Just maybe a really cool Jeep Wrangler or a Tahoe. Or if I miraculously become ridiculously rich in the next 10 years, maybe a hummer or an escalade limo. and I want cupcakes instead of a real cake. I want either one of my friends kids or one my kids (god willing, one day) to be the flower girl and ring barer. I want to wear chuck taylors- the whole wedding party. Every girl has her own idea of a fairy tail, and what a fairy tail princess is , and she sees who she's walking towards at the end of the aisle. As tattooed, as atypical, or as any other "strange" word you may wish to choose.
Cliff's note's version - Yes. I am a moron. He is a moron. We are moronically in love. Dr Seuss has a quote about it. look it up. We lost each other for over 5 years, because he was being a giant moron, and wouldn't let me help him fix his moronic ways. we found our way back together. this time, he is actually listening on the things that matter. and no. that doesn't mean that im a dictator, and i rule his life. it means that i do what i have to do, to ensure i can do as much as possible (which still isn't everything), to make sure he isn't a COMPLETE moron. And yes. we fight. because we're both very stubborn. And we both always want to be right. And neither of us want to be told what to do. And when either of feel like shit, we're in TERRIBLE moods. But if one of feels good, when the other feels bad, we will jump up and over the moon and back, to do any and everything we can to make it better. To the extent last night, that I kept asking him so many thing, "Can I do this? Do you want this?," that he finally told me to just be quiet and leave him alone. But let's be honest ... what relationship is perfect? None. thats which one. And if it is, it's because you don't know that he has been cheating on you behind your back for 10 months. Annnddd ... a far as I'm concerned, I would LOVE for all of our friends and family to be involved in our lives. But only in a supportive manner. We both have a lot of very serious stressors in our lives. if you don't know what they are, you either aren't very observant, or you don't listen very well. So if the support isn't there for one or both of us, don't prepare to see one or much of the other. We are a team. And we support each other(note ... yes, i am speaking for myself only as he is currently asleep, and unavailable to consult, and i don't want to attach his name to anything without his permission, although i am about 99.9% sure he would agree). The main goal of my life, at the moment, is to delete as many unnessesary BS as possible, and aim for as much simplicity as possible. I already have a ton of UNavoidale BS, so let's gert rid of as much as I can.
III. Solutions
A. Delete facebook all together
B. Do a SERIOUS deleting session of about 80% of my friends list
C. Any other brilliant ideas that you all might have. I'm up for suggestions ...

