Dogs are territorial animals. This means that they "stake out a claim" to a particular space, area, or object. They let other people and animals know about their claim by marking it with a variety of methods and at many levels of intensity. Some pets may go to the extreme of urinating or defecating to mark a particular area as their own. Urine-marking is the most common of territorial marking behaviors. Many times, it's because your pet has a conflict with other animals in your home. When there's instability in the pack hierarchy, a dog may feel a need to establish his dominance by urine-marking his territory. Or, if one animal is intimidating another animal, the bullied animal may express his anxiety by urine-marking.
I went through this with two of my dogs - Memphis and Captain. At first, when Memphis was a puppy, Captain loved him - because Memphis was still small, and Captain presumed that he still maintained the dominant role in the house. But, once Memphis began to outgrow him, and surpass him in size, weight, and, presumably, dominance, Captain began to have STRONG issues against this change in dominance. There began to arise a dominance STRUGGLE within our household. First, Captain began marking his territory everywhere. Then, the 25 pound puggle began trying to attack the 80 pound full-blooded pit-bull, as if he could really do some damage to him - trying to show him who was REALLY boss of the house. Just as dogs have struggles when there are instabilities in pack hierarchies, and they are intimidated by these changes in the hierarchy, and these changes necessitate the dogs marking their territory, humans are intimidated by changes in hierarchies, and ALSO feel the need to mark their territory.
Displaying male dominance is a major part of the flirting and dating scene. Historically, women need a mate who can protect her and their offspring, as well as provide for them until they can fend for themselves. One main thing women seek is a male with 'Alpha Male' dominance characteristics. Men playing the 'flirting game' display their 'Alpha Maleness' in subtle ways. For example, men stake out their territory when they are seeking a woman. Men mark their territory by stretching out their arms and legs to take up more room, plus set out their personal positions on a table or bar: car keys, drink, and coins. These behaviors are much more desireable than peeing on the furniture like some animals do, in order to mark their territory! However, female territorial marking is much more lude. They are much more 'subtle,' yet vulgar and unrefined. Women will do things such as, leave an item of theirs behind in your house, intentionally, when you are not officially together, in case another female comes over, just so that if another woman DOES come, she will know that someone else is 'supposed' to be there, leaving a sign for others to 'back off.' Or, specific to the current facebook fad we are all in now, she will do things like post certain comments or pictures on 'his' FB page, so that any other possible female callers will be forewarned that he is happily 'taken.' Even if he is not. But what is the worst, most crass, most uncouth, vulgar of all things the female does to mark her territory? The backlash. When she sees something that another female does that threatens her and who she sees as 'her man,' she feels threatened by it, and she feels the need to mark her territory and display her dominance over him, and respond with some sort of directly related snappy retort, but she attempts to mask it with some sacchariferous statement. When she does it in this fashion, only other females will know what she is doing (being calculating, malicious, and just downright evil), yet the unmindful male at hand is completely oblivious to that which is going on around him.
Case in point ... a facebook status I posted ... "What's the minor heart attack of the day? That would be the pit bull hopping the back fence in order to chase the seductive, manipulative cat next door. What's the lesson learned for the day? Those that you love always come running back home." Keep in mind, my status is on MY profile, which is private, so the female 'responding' to this does not have immediate access to see this, nor did my information somehow get posted to her. Someone either showed it to her, or she hacked into my page through someone else's account. She then 'responded' by posting a picture of her and the someone i was referring to (about coming home) with a tagline that said "My heart is home," and tagged him in the picture, so that it also showed up on his page. Within a few hours of my status. So ... like i said ... territorial marking. In nondescript, premeditated, manipulative ways.
Dogs mark their territory. So do people. Both cases are equally annoying. Some examples can go so far as to leading up to the gag reflex. We need to really watch what it is we do. And watch what it is those AROUND us do. And be AWARE of what is going on, and not let people manipulate US, or the situations we're in. Nobody wants to be standing in a puddle of piss. Or worse, wake up next to a bed wetter. Words to the wise ... Think on these things ...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
i know i probably shouldn't be surprised ...
but i kind of am, a little bit. i mean ... you left today. as in ... packed the remainder of your things into your little teeny-tiny fuel-efficient car, and drove your punk ass to FL. and didn't say goodbye. even after i texted you yesterday, and SPECIFICALLY told you that i knew you were leaving today, and it surely would be nice if i could see and/or talk to you to say goodbye. to which i got absolutely no response. shock ... i know. but still ... a small part of me was still holding out hope that ... no matter how much you were closing out your emotions towards me, and trying to forget about me, so that it wouldn't hurt ... you would still want to see me before you actually LEFT TOWN. For good. I mean ... FUCK! i just don't GET how you can completely just ... all of the sudden ... cut me out, like i don't exist at all anymore. especially when you continue to tell me how much you still love me, and how you'll always care. i don't fucking GET IT! because all i know is how you're acting. and actions speak SO much louder than words. especially right now. and right now, your actions are telling me to "eat shit, and die." that you could care less if I DID die.
i don't even know. i'm at a loss. i'm ready to move on. to try to forget about you. to not hurt everyday. but i still can't get you out of my head. i don't want to think, every day, about why you're NOT thinking about me. about WHY you don't care. or wonder if you do, but don't want to. or wonder how you can just NOT think. or care. it's too many thoughts, running rampant through my head. when apparently there are none going through yours. it's not fair.
i don't even know. i'm at a loss. i'm ready to move on. to try to forget about you. to not hurt everyday. but i still can't get you out of my head. i don't want to think, every day, about why you're NOT thinking about me. about WHY you don't care. or wonder if you do, but don't want to. or wonder how you can just NOT think. or care. it's too many thoughts, running rampant through my head. when apparently there are none going through yours. it's not fair.
Friday, January 7, 2011
I might need more of a challenge ...
so ... i got my first review yesterday. it was my eighth shift. I was rated a 4 out of 5. An "exceeds expectations." i had 104 out of 125. if I had had 114, i would have had the highest rating possible ... which, from what i hear, NEVER happens for new people, and HARDLY ever happens for even the most seasoned employees.
so, as the GM of the store is giving me my eval, she starts asking me questions ... "were you the GM of your last store? how do you know so much about food cost and recipe adherence? were you the top of your class at MIT training?" then to be followed by ... "the only reason i gave you 3's (meets expectations) on this stuff, is because i know you do it, but you don't really make a point to come to me and TELL me about when you do it. just make more of a point to communicate to me about ... blah, blah, blah ... " well, alrighty then! tell me how you really feel about me! lol.
it's gotta make you feel at least a little good ... but at the same time, makes you wonder. for one ... if you already think i'm doing this well ... and all you have to go on, is the past two weeks of my life ... which HAPPEN to be like ... the two worst weeks EVER ... then really ... there's only UP to go from here, right? i mean ... you've already admitted that you've seen me running circles around everybody, and ... you haven't even seen me bring my "A-game" yet. so ... i'm just sayin ... how long will it take me to move up? go to the next level? how long before i become bored with what i'm doing. so what's my plan? become GM within 12-18 months. 6 figures. before i'm 30. and have enough money to do whatever i want. travel where i want. buy what i want. for who i want. support myself. same as my plan has always been - be self-sufficient. not have to depend on anyone else. because you can't. you can't depend on anyone but yourself.
so, as the GM of the store is giving me my eval, she starts asking me questions ... "were you the GM of your last store? how do you know so much about food cost and recipe adherence? were you the top of your class at MIT training?" then to be followed by ... "the only reason i gave you 3's (meets expectations) on this stuff, is because i know you do it, but you don't really make a point to come to me and TELL me about when you do it. just make more of a point to communicate to me about ... blah, blah, blah ... " well, alrighty then! tell me how you really feel about me! lol.
it's gotta make you feel at least a little good ... but at the same time, makes you wonder. for one ... if you already think i'm doing this well ... and all you have to go on, is the past two weeks of my life ... which HAPPEN to be like ... the two worst weeks EVER ... then really ... there's only UP to go from here, right? i mean ... you've already admitted that you've seen me running circles around everybody, and ... you haven't even seen me bring my "A-game" yet. so ... i'm just sayin ... how long will it take me to move up? go to the next level? how long before i become bored with what i'm doing. so what's my plan? become GM within 12-18 months. 6 figures. before i'm 30. and have enough money to do whatever i want. travel where i want. buy what i want. for who i want. support myself. same as my plan has always been - be self-sufficient. not have to depend on anyone else. because you can't. you can't depend on anyone but yourself.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
in love ... or in love with the IDEA of love ..?
Great relationships begin with two people who are each self-confident and who come to each other with the openness to see and accept the other as a unique and wonderful people. If there is true love and an alignment of fundamental values, the two people can choose to join their lives and vow never to criticize one another's nature - the essence that makes them uniquely themselves. And these relationships are the ones where, in actual fact, the notion of love is more important than the reality. The parties desire each other for reasons of comfort, security, stability, sex, intimacy or merely to fill the gaping void that emerges from where a solid self should be.
But let's not confuse that both 'love' & being 'in love' has comparatively little to do with a successful relationship, which is about respect, loyalty, and compromise. Sure, love helps, but love alone is not enough and, leads to a dysfunctional, albeit passionate relationship. The "Beatles" were wrong. Love is NOT all you need. Unfortunately ... I have come to realize that I 'fall in love' with almost EVERY guy I date. It may even be perceived as coming across as "flaky." Maybe I just 'love' the way it makes me feel. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. Maybe I just have the ability to see the best in ANYone. Maybe I just see the "heart" in everyone, and can see past the rest of it, in order to be able to get the feeling of "love" that everyone so badly wants to feel. That warm and cozy feeling, so deep inside. Maybe we just decide that we want to be 'in love' and fall for the next person that shows potential.
As a teenager, my first few relationships were relationships which I dove into – I did not really know the guys, nor did I really question if we were a good match – everything was exciting and so, I allowed my feelings to do the talking, and it steered ... alright. Ever since *this* one though, the one who I actually *REALLY* fell in love with – respecting who he was, admiring him, and wanting to be with him forever, I noted that at the end, the point where I became a zombie, crying, wailing and good old fashioned boohooing ... somewhere, somehow I had forgotten to love myself and somewhere, somehow, loving another person had screwed me over ... deeply. It had brought me to this point, where I seriously questioned my ability to ever be able to love anyone again.
Now over the course of the past few weeks, I’ve come to realize that these guys – guys who I may hang out with in the next few ... weeks/months/years ... are guys who I will probably label as too much work. I dread the possibility of casting them aside in the “no thanks” pile. I’m starting to feel the meaning of the phrase “finding love takes work,” and this process of dating - of interviewing, of dinners - of small talk is starting to seem ... incredulously tedious. I dread comparing everyone to you. Holding everyone up to your standard. The standard of being "In love." Not being "in love with love." Sure ... the idea seems great. It brings out the best in everyone. It sure does make me happy, to have someone to be with. Maybe I've been a serial monogamist ... my whole life. But I don't want to settle. I don't want to be complacent. I don't want to just ... be content. I want to be HAPPY. Like I was with YOU.
Compared to my teenage self ... my self with you ... my feelings – wary of the whole heart wrenching game that is love - are now buried somewhere in the back, and my brain (which was virtually nonexistent as a young, immature lover) now sees the need to do all the talking. I now see the necessity of "examining" men – scrutinize them, if you will - to see if they will provide a good future in a painstakingly rational manner. Job? Check. Well mannered? Check. Good looking? Check. Crazy ex? GOD, NO! Children? Debatable. Love? Important ... but we can work on that. It is this end result – my inability to find someone to stir up my feelings and to capture my breath - that is troublesome. Is my heart really broken? Have I learned to love myself so much that I can’t find someone worthy of potential love and with that potential heart break?
They say that you can’t find love; love finds you and when you least expect it, boom! It happens. With one look, somehow the perfect guy with the perfect glance and timing will look your way and somewhere, somehow your breath will be captured. Well, that happened once, and look where it got me. Sitting back and waiting is no problem for me, given that I currently have no desire to fill *his* shoes. But here's where the ‘what ifs’ then seep in. What if I will never get past *him*? What if I never meet a new *the one*? Someone that lives up to the standards that *you've* left a legacy behind for ...? What if I meet him, but somehow I cant find it within myself to devote my whole heart into it? Because I can't seem to find all of the pieces (of my heart), to finish putting it all back together ...? And finally, what if I’ll be alone forever (however long that is)? Will I just end up being the crazy dog lady forever ...?
Now with the art of growing, realizing, and learning from past mistakes ... being single and learning to love yourself isn’t so bad. Hell, I always remember anniversaries ... maybe I'll just continue to get gifts ... and just give them to myself. I know I’ll like whatever I get me :) However, by human nature, we gravitate towards companionship. Humans (by nature) are not solitary animals. Although at times, we like to think we are. It just seems that true love, by ITS nature, is hard to find, and hard to keep, thus making the process, well ... hard. So ... at the end of this giant epilogue... i pose this two-fold question. First, was I truly in love, or simply in love with the IDEA of love? Secondly, have I fallen out of love with the idea of being in love, or have I just given up on finding true love, yet again?
I've fallen in love too many times to count. But I've fallen pretty hard only a few times. These few times, I've ultimately gotten my heart ripped out and stomped on. I guess I find it easy to love people. So I fall for them, and when I fall it's almost always hard. The question is, how hard. In the end I always get burned. This last time was the worst. I suppose that the deeper in love you fall, the longer and harder the fall is in the end. The harder you love, the worse the heartbreak hurts. Love is a roller coaster. The highs are so fucking high. But the lows are the lowest depths, that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
But let's not confuse that both 'love' & being 'in love' has comparatively little to do with a successful relationship, which is about respect, loyalty, and compromise. Sure, love helps, but love alone is not enough and, leads to a dysfunctional, albeit passionate relationship. The "Beatles" were wrong. Love is NOT all you need. Unfortunately ... I have come to realize that I 'fall in love' with almost EVERY guy I date. It may even be perceived as coming across as "flaky." Maybe I just 'love' the way it makes me feel. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. Maybe I just have the ability to see the best in ANYone. Maybe I just see the "heart" in everyone, and can see past the rest of it, in order to be able to get the feeling of "love" that everyone so badly wants to feel. That warm and cozy feeling, so deep inside. Maybe we just decide that we want to be 'in love' and fall for the next person that shows potential.
As a teenager, my first few relationships were relationships which I dove into – I did not really know the guys, nor did I really question if we were a good match – everything was exciting and so, I allowed my feelings to do the talking, and it steered ... alright. Ever since *this* one though, the one who I actually *REALLY* fell in love with – respecting who he was, admiring him, and wanting to be with him forever, I noted that at the end, the point where I became a zombie, crying, wailing and good old fashioned boohooing ... somewhere, somehow I had forgotten to love myself and somewhere, somehow, loving another person had screwed me over ... deeply. It had brought me to this point, where I seriously questioned my ability to ever be able to love anyone again.
Now over the course of the past few weeks, I’ve come to realize that these guys – guys who I may hang out with in the next few ... weeks/months/years ... are guys who I will probably label as too much work. I dread the possibility of casting them aside in the “no thanks” pile. I’m starting to feel the meaning of the phrase “finding love takes work,” and this process of dating - of interviewing, of dinners - of small talk is starting to seem ... incredulously tedious. I dread comparing everyone to you. Holding everyone up to your standard. The standard of being "In love." Not being "in love with love." Sure ... the idea seems great. It brings out the best in everyone. It sure does make me happy, to have someone to be with. Maybe I've been a serial monogamist ... my whole life. But I don't want to settle. I don't want to be complacent. I don't want to just ... be content. I want to be HAPPY. Like I was with YOU.
Compared to my teenage self ... my self with you ... my feelings – wary of the whole heart wrenching game that is love - are now buried somewhere in the back, and my brain (which was virtually nonexistent as a young, immature lover) now sees the need to do all the talking. I now see the necessity of "examining" men – scrutinize them, if you will - to see if they will provide a good future in a painstakingly rational manner. Job? Check. Well mannered? Check. Good looking? Check. Crazy ex? GOD, NO! Children? Debatable. Love? Important ... but we can work on that. It is this end result – my inability to find someone to stir up my feelings and to capture my breath - that is troublesome. Is my heart really broken? Have I learned to love myself so much that I can’t find someone worthy of potential love and with that potential heart break?
They say that you can’t find love; love finds you and when you least expect it, boom! It happens. With one look, somehow the perfect guy with the perfect glance and timing will look your way and somewhere, somehow your breath will be captured. Well, that happened once, and look where it got me. Sitting back and waiting is no problem for me, given that I currently have no desire to fill *his* shoes. But here's where the ‘what ifs’ then seep in. What if I will never get past *him*? What if I never meet a new *the one*? Someone that lives up to the standards that *you've* left a legacy behind for ...? What if I meet him, but somehow I cant find it within myself to devote my whole heart into it? Because I can't seem to find all of the pieces (of my heart), to finish putting it all back together ...? And finally, what if I’ll be alone forever (however long that is)? Will I just end up being the crazy dog lady forever ...?
Now with the art of growing, realizing, and learning from past mistakes ... being single and learning to love yourself isn’t so bad. Hell, I always remember anniversaries ... maybe I'll just continue to get gifts ... and just give them to myself. I know I’ll like whatever I get me :) However, by human nature, we gravitate towards companionship. Humans (by nature) are not solitary animals. Although at times, we like to think we are. It just seems that true love, by ITS nature, is hard to find, and hard to keep, thus making the process, well ... hard. So ... at the end of this giant epilogue... i pose this two-fold question. First, was I truly in love, or simply in love with the IDEA of love? Secondly, have I fallen out of love with the idea of being in love, or have I just given up on finding true love, yet again?
I've fallen in love too many times to count. But I've fallen pretty hard only a few times. These few times, I've ultimately gotten my heart ripped out and stomped on. I guess I find it easy to love people. So I fall for them, and when I fall it's almost always hard. The question is, how hard. In the end I always get burned. This last time was the worst. I suppose that the deeper in love you fall, the longer and harder the fall is in the end. The harder you love, the worse the heartbreak hurts. Love is a roller coaster. The highs are so fucking high. But the lows are the lowest depths, that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
it's all in vain
i try so hard ...but it's all in vain ...
what's the point in you randomly texting me ... out of the blue ... at 1 am ... to tell me that you'll ALWAYS care? that you'll never stop? that you will ALWAYS want me in your life? but that you don't see how that's possible right now, given the "current situation." oh ... you mean ... given that you're in love with me, but that you're trying to make it work with her? i can see how constant communication with the woman you love would make that harder ...
but what's the point in ignoring someone that you love? pretending like ridding yourself of everything that could remind you of them, and completely acting as though they don't exist, could REALLY make you stop loving them?
and let me just ask you this ... you say that you all have talked ... that she's somehow "matured" in the past year or so ... well ... have you ever taken into consideration the fact that she could have lied to you in the past month, just the same as she lied to you over the past year. not to mention the past nine or ten? have you ever thought about that? do you realize how many people she and i know in common? how many people have come up to me and said, "Really? But she went gay. When they broke up, she tried to date everybody on the entire team. And what about Alaska guy? He came up here for a week." out of nowhere. i didn't even ask for that information. what good does it do me? i've already lost everything i could ever want. but you should know things like that. and you should be able to see past the facade of someone just showing you what they want you to see, just so they can get what they want. after all ... that's all she's been doing for the past 10 years.
i'm so tired of people telling me what they think i need to hear, but not being of any help to me. you tell me how much you care, but it doesn't do me any good. your family all loves me so much more than they do her, and they'll seek me out to tell me they miss me, or they're thinking of me, but i can't ACTUALLY talk to them, because they're YOUR family. they're they only ones that know you well enough to understand WHY you do what you do, but they can't offer me any advice. because they're on your side. even if they disagree with you. they won't actually talk to me about it, or offer me any advice, other than "it is what it is." But them and your best friend are the only ones that actually GET you.
everyone else just wants to tell me what an asshole you are for treating me the way you did. or tell me that you simply MUST have been cheating on me before this, to have just left me the way you did. or that i'm just working my way through the 5 stages of depression. i don't want to hear any of those things. i don't want to hear about how i'm in denial. or how i bargaining my way through this. i already KNOW that i'm angry. i don't need to hear any of this. i don't want to hear about how i deserve so much better. about how intelligent i am, or how beautiful i am, or how loving and giving i am, and that i deserve someone that will treat me "right." i know this too. and you did. treat me right, that is. until now. i don't want to hear about how i need to move on, and get over you, because i shouldn't waste my time on someone that could forget about me so easily. on someone that could give up on me so easily. bc that's so much easier said than done. even if i know it is what i *should* do.
there's no easy answers to my problem. no simple solutions. i just wish people would stop pretending like they could and would handle it with such ease. like they know exactly what they would do. or how they would feel. because they don't. and it't not them. i'm the one living it. and i still don't know.
what's the point in you randomly texting me ... out of the blue ... at 1 am ... to tell me that you'll ALWAYS care? that you'll never stop? that you will ALWAYS want me in your life? but that you don't see how that's possible right now, given the "current situation." oh ... you mean ... given that you're in love with me, but that you're trying to make it work with her? i can see how constant communication with the woman you love would make that harder ...
but what's the point in ignoring someone that you love? pretending like ridding yourself of everything that could remind you of them, and completely acting as though they don't exist, could REALLY make you stop loving them?
and let me just ask you this ... you say that you all have talked ... that she's somehow "matured" in the past year or so ... well ... have you ever taken into consideration the fact that she could have lied to you in the past month, just the same as she lied to you over the past year. not to mention the past nine or ten? have you ever thought about that? do you realize how many people she and i know in common? how many people have come up to me and said, "Really? But she went gay. When they broke up, she tried to date everybody on the entire team. And what about Alaska guy? He came up here for a week." out of nowhere. i didn't even ask for that information. what good does it do me? i've already lost everything i could ever want. but you should know things like that. and you should be able to see past the facade of someone just showing you what they want you to see, just so they can get what they want. after all ... that's all she's been doing for the past 10 years.
i'm so tired of people telling me what they think i need to hear, but not being of any help to me. you tell me how much you care, but it doesn't do me any good. your family all loves me so much more than they do her, and they'll seek me out to tell me they miss me, or they're thinking of me, but i can't ACTUALLY talk to them, because they're YOUR family. they're they only ones that know you well enough to understand WHY you do what you do, but they can't offer me any advice. because they're on your side. even if they disagree with you. they won't actually talk to me about it, or offer me any advice, other than "it is what it is." But them and your best friend are the only ones that actually GET you.
everyone else just wants to tell me what an asshole you are for treating me the way you did. or tell me that you simply MUST have been cheating on me before this, to have just left me the way you did. or that i'm just working my way through the 5 stages of depression. i don't want to hear any of those things. i don't want to hear about how i'm in denial. or how i bargaining my way through this. i already KNOW that i'm angry. i don't need to hear any of this. i don't want to hear about how i deserve so much better. about how intelligent i am, or how beautiful i am, or how loving and giving i am, and that i deserve someone that will treat me "right." i know this too. and you did. treat me right, that is. until now. i don't want to hear about how i need to move on, and get over you, because i shouldn't waste my time on someone that could forget about me so easily. on someone that could give up on me so easily. bc that's so much easier said than done. even if i know it is what i *should* do.
there's no easy answers to my problem. no simple solutions. i just wish people would stop pretending like they could and would handle it with such ease. like they know exactly what they would do. or how they would feel. because they don't. and it't not them. i'm the one living it. and i still don't know.
Monday, January 3, 2011
had a bad day again ...
do you know why it hurts so much?
because it still makes no sense to me. no matter who you talk to, and no matter what you say ... you still makes it seem like you dont really want to do it. like its something you feel like you HAVE to do, rather than what you actually WANT to do. thats why its so hard for me. if you would just tell me that you woke up one day, and decided that you didnt love me anymore, and that you realized you were in love with jessica ... sure ... i would be dumbfounded, but it would make more sense to me.
i dunno ...
but instead ... you makes it seem like, you're still in love with me, but instead ... you're going to do something that you'll never be happy with, bc you feels like the kids need both parents. i dont get that. bc i feel like, even though i understand they need both parents, that its the wrong decision, bc of the repercussions that it will have on the kids. therefore i dont get it. and its really fucking hard. not to mention, if you supposedly still love me, and you feel so bad, why are you completely fucking ignoring me?!?!?
its like ... you just woke up one day, and couldnt care less if i fell off the face of the earth. and ... considering we just moved in together, and were talking about getting married, and dropping everything to move to FL ... it hurts. it really fucking hurts. its like i dont even know who you are anymore. instead ... you are only a shell of the man i used to know. saying you're sorry, and you feel bad for hurting me. but ignoring me, and making the same decision. all the same.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
i have my ways, you know ...
so ... i have my ways ... of being a little secret agent. and my secret agent skills have allowed me access. access into hacking into top secret, "hey ... i blocked you from my FB ... how the hell do you know what my status is ...???" yeah ... well ... like i said. i got skills. MAD, MMMAAAADDDDD skills.
But here's where i get confused. well ... not so much confused. i feel like i *think* i know what it means, but i dont want to think i know what it means, if im wrong, because if im wrong, its just going to get my hopes up. her status right now is something along the lines of ... "headed back to tampa. same reasons to stay. same reasons to leave." now ... i dont want to read too much into it, but it sounds to me like the same thing as when she left the first time. she was still in love with you, so she didn't want to leave. but you were in love with me, so she did want to leave, at the same time. maybe thats just want i want it to mean. maybe i'm reading too much into it. i don't know.
then her next status. "leaving full of hope." now ... does this mean that she's confident in you all patching things up, or something more towards my benefit? like ... you all talked about what's going on in his head, and things aren't as set in stone as she wishes they were, and she's simply hoping that they'll work out as she wants them to?
maybe i shouldn't be checking up on her stati ... but when i can't get ANYTHING from you, it's kind of defeating, because i don't have a clue as to what's going on. I don't have ANY idea where you stand, or what you're thinking ... if you're thinking about me ... if I'm on your mind ... if I still have a chance. If you miss me ... if i'll ever hear from you again ... if you even want me in your life anymore.
it's hard. REALLY hard. it's hard to sit and wait. it's hard to accept you turning into a brick wall. it's hard knowing that you've been sharing a bed with her for a week. it's hard knowing that you're moving to another state in a few weeks. it's hard to keep writing you knowing i'll probably not get a response. but do you know what the HARDEST part is? knowing that no matter how hard all of this is ... i can't stop loving you. Not for a second. not for a minute, or an hour, or a day. Not long enough to hate you. even when i DO hate you ... i love you more than i hate you, so it doesn't really matter.
But here's where i get confused. well ... not so much confused. i feel like i *think* i know what it means, but i dont want to think i know what it means, if im wrong, because if im wrong, its just going to get my hopes up. her status right now is something along the lines of ... "headed back to tampa. same reasons to stay. same reasons to leave." now ... i dont want to read too much into it, but it sounds to me like the same thing as when she left the first time. she was still in love with you, so she didn't want to leave. but you were in love with me, so she did want to leave, at the same time. maybe thats just want i want it to mean. maybe i'm reading too much into it. i don't know.
then her next status. "leaving full of hope." now ... does this mean that she's confident in you all patching things up, or something more towards my benefit? like ... you all talked about what's going on in his head, and things aren't as set in stone as she wishes they were, and she's simply hoping that they'll work out as she wants them to?
maybe i shouldn't be checking up on her stati ... but when i can't get ANYTHING from you, it's kind of defeating, because i don't have a clue as to what's going on. I don't have ANY idea where you stand, or what you're thinking ... if you're thinking about me ... if I'm on your mind ... if I still have a chance. If you miss me ... if i'll ever hear from you again ... if you even want me in your life anymore.
it's hard. REALLY hard. it's hard to sit and wait. it's hard to accept you turning into a brick wall. it's hard knowing that you've been sharing a bed with her for a week. it's hard knowing that you're moving to another state in a few weeks. it's hard to keep writing you knowing i'll probably not get a response. but do you know what the HARDEST part is? knowing that no matter how hard all of this is ... i can't stop loving you. Not for a second. not for a minute, or an hour, or a day. Not long enough to hate you. even when i DO hate you ... i love you more than i hate you, so it doesn't really matter.
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