it's all in vain

i try so hard ...but it's all in vain ...


what's the point in you randomly texting me ... out of the blue ... at 1 am ... to tell me that you'll ALWAYS care?  that you'll never stop?  that you will ALWAYS want me in your life?  but that you don't see how that's possible right now, given the "current situation."  oh ... you mean ... given that you're in love with me, but that you're trying to make it work with her?  i can see how constant communication with the woman you love would make that harder ...

but what's the point in ignoring someone that you love?  pretending like ridding yourself of everything that could remind you of them, and completely acting as though they don't exist, could REALLY make you stop loving them?

and let me just ask you this ... you say that you all have talked ... that she's somehow "matured" in the past year or so ... well ... have you ever taken into consideration the fact that she could have lied to you in the past month, just the same as she lied to you over the past year.  not to mention the past nine or ten?  have you ever thought about that?  do you realize how many people she and i know in common?  how many people have come up to me and said, "Really? But she went gay.  When they broke up, she tried to date everybody on the entire team.  And what about Alaska guy?  He came up here for a week."  out of nowhere.  i didn't even ask for that information.  what good does it do me?  i've already lost everything i could ever want.  but you should know things like that.  and you should be able to see past the facade of someone just showing you what they want you to see, just so they can get what they want.  after all ... that's all she's been doing for the past 10 years.

i'm so tired of people telling me what they think i need to hear, but not being of any help to me.  you tell me how much you care, but it doesn't do me any good.  your family all loves me so much more than they do her, and they'll seek me out to tell me they miss me, or they're thinking of me, but i can't ACTUALLY talk to them, because they're YOUR family.  they're they only ones that know you well enough to understand WHY you do what you do, but they can't offer me any advice.  because they're on your side.  even if they disagree with you.  they won't actually talk to me about it, or offer me any advice, other than "it is what it is."  But them and your best friend are the only ones that actually GET you.

everyone else just wants to tell me what an asshole you are for treating me the way you did.  or tell me that you simply MUST have been cheating on me before this, to have just left me the way you did.  or that i'm just working my way through the 5 stages of depression.  i don't want to hear any of those things.  i don't want to hear about how i'm in denial.  or how i bargaining my way through this.  i already KNOW that i'm angry.  i don't need to hear any of this.  i don't want to hear about how i deserve so much better. about how intelligent i am, or how beautiful i am, or how loving and giving i am, and that i deserve someone that will treat me "right."  i know this too.  and you did.  treat me right, that is.  until now.  i don't want to hear about how i need to move on, and get over you, because i shouldn't waste my time on someone that could forget about me so easily.  on someone that could give up on me so easily.  bc that's so much easier said than done.  even if i know it is what i *should* do.

there's no easy answers to my problem.  no simple solutions.  i just wish people would stop pretending like they could and would handle it with such ease.  like they know exactly what they would do.  or how they would feel.  because they don't.  and it't not them.  i'm the one living it.  and i still don't know.