i have my ways, you know ...

so ... i have my ways ... of being a little secret agent.  and my secret agent skills have allowed me access.  access into hacking into top secret, "hey ... i blocked you from my FB ... how the hell do you know what my status is ...???"  yeah ... well ... like i said.  i got skills.  MAD, MMMAAAADDDDD skills.

But here's where i get confused.  well ... not so much confused.  i feel like i *think* i know what it means, but i dont want to think i know what it means, if im wrong, because if im wrong, its just going to get my hopes up.   her status right now is something along the lines of ... "headed back to tampa. same reasons to stay. same reasons to leave."  now ...  i dont want to read too much into it, but it sounds to me like the same thing as when she left the first time. she was still in love with you, so she didn't want to leave. but you were in love with me, so she did want to leave, at the same time. maybe thats just want i want it to mean.  maybe i'm reading too much into it.  i don't know. 

then her next status.  "leaving full of hope."  now ... does this mean that she's confident in you all patching things up, or something more towards my benefit?  like ... you all talked about what's going on in his head, and things aren't as set in stone as she wishes they were, and she's simply hoping that they'll work out as she wants them to?

maybe i shouldn't be checking up on her stati ... but when i can't get ANYTHING from you, it's kind of defeating, because i don't have a clue as to what's going on.  I don't have ANY idea where you stand, or what you're thinking ... if you're thinking about me ... if I'm on your mind ... if I still have a chance.  If you miss me ... if i'll ever hear from you again ... if you even want me in your life anymore.

it's hard.  REALLY hard.  it's hard to sit and wait.  it's hard to accept you turning into a brick wall.  it's hard knowing that you've been sharing a bed with her for a week.  it's hard knowing that you're moving to another state in a few weeks.  it's hard to keep writing you knowing i'll probably not get a response.  but do you know what the HARDEST part is?  knowing that no matter how hard all of this is ... i can't stop loving you.  Not for a second.  not for a minute, or an hour, or a day.  Not long enough to hate you. even when i DO hate you ... i love you more than i hate you, so it doesn't really matter.