But let's not confuse that both 'love' & being 'in love' has comparatively little to do with a successful relationship, which is about respect, loyalty, and compromise. Sure, love helps, but love alone is not enough and, leads to a dysfunctional, albeit passionate relationship. The "Beatles" were wrong. Love is NOT all you need. Unfortunately ... I have come to realize that I 'fall in love' with almost EVERY guy I date. It may even be perceived as coming across as "flaky." Maybe I just 'love' the way it makes me feel. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. Maybe I just have the ability to see the best in ANYone. Maybe I just see the "heart" in everyone, and can see past the rest of it, in order to be able to get the feeling of "love" that everyone so badly wants to feel. That warm and cozy feeling, so deep inside. Maybe we just decide that we want to be 'in love' and fall for the next person that shows potential.
As a teenager, my first few relationships were relationships which I dove into – I did not really know the guys, nor did I really question if we were a good match – everything was exciting and so, I allowed my feelings to do the talking, and it steered ... alright. Ever since *this* one though, the one who I actually *REALLY* fell in love with – respecting who he was, admiring him, and wanting to be with him forever, I noted that at the end, the point where I became a zombie, crying, wailing and good old fashioned boohooing ... somewhere, somehow I had forgotten to love myself and somewhere, somehow, loving another person had screwed me over ... deeply. It had brought me to this point, where I seriously questioned my ability to ever be able to love anyone again.
Now over the course of the past few weeks, I’ve come to realize that these guys – guys who I may hang out with in the next few ... weeks/months/years ... are guys who I will probably label as too much work. I dread the possibility of casting them aside in the “no thanks” pile. I’m starting to feel the meaning of the phrase “finding love takes work,” and this process of dating - of interviewing, of dinners - of small talk is starting to seem ... incredulously tedious. I dread comparing everyone to you. Holding everyone up to your standard. The standard of being "In love." Not being "in love with love." Sure ... the idea seems great. It brings out the best in everyone. It sure does make me happy, to have someone to be with. Maybe I've been a serial monogamist ... my whole life. But I don't want to settle. I don't want to be complacent. I don't want to just ... be content. I want to be HAPPY. Like I was with YOU.
Compared to my teenage self ... my self with you ... my feelings – wary of the whole heart wrenching game that is love - are now buried somewhere in the back, and my brain (which was virtually nonexistent as a young, immature lover) now sees the need to do all the talking. I now see the necessity of "examining" men – scrutinize them, if you will - to see if they will provide a good future in a painstakingly rational manner. Job? Check. Well mannered? Check. Good looking? Check. Crazy ex? GOD, NO! Children? Debatable. Love? Important ... but we can work on that. It is this end result – my inability to find someone to stir up my feelings and to capture my breath - that is troublesome. Is my heart really broken? Have I learned to love myself so much that I can’t find someone worthy of potential love and with that potential heart break?
They say that you can’t find love; love finds you and when you least expect it, boom! It happens. With one look, somehow the perfect guy with the perfect glance and timing will look your way and somewhere, somehow your breath will be captured. Well, that happened once, and look where it got me. Sitting back and waiting is no problem for me, given that I currently have no desire to fill *his* shoes. But here's where the ‘what ifs’ then seep in. What if I will never get past *him*? What if I never meet a new *the one*? Someone that lives up to the standards that *you've* left a legacy behind for ...? What if I meet him, but somehow I cant find it within myself to devote my whole heart into it? Because I can't seem to find all of the pieces (of my heart), to finish putting it all back together ...? And finally, what if I’ll be alone forever (however long that is)? Will I just end up being the crazy dog lady forever ...?
Now with the art of growing, realizing, and learning from past mistakes ... being single and learning to love yourself isn’t so bad. Hell, I always remember anniversaries ... maybe I'll just continue to get gifts ... and just give them to myself. I know I’ll like whatever I get me :) However, by human nature, we gravitate towards companionship. Humans (by nature) are not solitary animals. Although at times, we like to think we are. It just seems that true love, by ITS nature, is hard to find, and hard to keep, thus making the process, well ... hard. So ... at the end of this giant epilogue... i pose this two-fold question. First, was I truly in love, or simply in love with the IDEA of love? Secondly, have I fallen out of love with the idea of being in love, or have I just given up on finding true love, yet again?
I've fallen in love too many times to count. But I've fallen pretty hard only a few times. These few times, I've ultimately gotten my heart ripped out and stomped on. I guess I find it easy to love people. So I fall for them, and when I fall it's almost always hard. The question is, how hard. In the end I always get burned. This last time was the worst. I suppose that the deeper in love you fall, the longer and harder the fall is in the end. The harder you love, the worse the heartbreak hurts. Love is a roller coaster. The highs are so fucking high. But the lows are the lowest depths, that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
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