It's not the fact that I miss you. It's not the fact that I can't see you every day. It's not the fact that I don't get to come home to you at night. It's not even the fact that you ... for lack of better words ... and as much as it kills me to even let these words come out of my mouth ... it's not the fact that you left me for your bitch-ass ... word-I-won't-say-here-because-i'm not-sure-who-all's-reading-this ex ... It's the fact that you completely ignore me. 99% of the time. And sometimes ... you'll randomly answer me. But when you do, it's either a simple emoji face, or a two or three letter word. And then, when I respond back to that, with something along the lines of ... "WTF does that mean?" ... you don't respond at all.
No ... What kills me the most is you ignoring me. I can handle you leaving ... As long as I tell myself it was for the kids. That you still love me. That's you only left and went back to her because you think that's what will be best for the kids. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm in denial. But ... that's how I feel about it. After all ... that IS what you told me. But when you keep ignoring me ... it's like a dagger to the heart. And every time you keep silent ... and I hear nothing in response, the dagger twists a little bit deeper. Because it just feels like you don't care. Like ... suddenly ... I could just fall off the face of the earth, and it wouldn't matter to you at all. Whether that's the case or not, that's how it makes me feel. Sometimes, I can rationalize myself through the hurt, so it's not so bad ... but I can never completely rationalize it away.
I just wish I knew SOMETHING. Anything. Had some INKLING of what was going on in your head. Or some INKLING of insight into the future. I don't know. There's definitely bad days ... and worse days. I won't say good days ... but there's more tolerable days. I just wish I knew what I was supposed to do ...
I miss you. So much.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
It's funny how ...
life can make you think of the strangest things ...
As I was at work this morning, listening to every possible love song you could imagine, playing on the radio overhead, I began thinking. I began questioning several things. I began wondering if you were thinking of me. If Isa had a good birthday. What you were doing for New Years. If you missed me. Then I corrected myself. Of course you missed me. And no, I wasn't being conceited about that. I just knew that, no matter how glad you were to be back with the kids, you still loved me, and wished I could be there too. Then I started wondering what you thought about when you went to bed at night. If it was the same. If your thoughts were the same as mine. If you missed coming home to me. Missed me calling you when you were on the way home. Missed me waking up as you walked in the door. Missed our talks as you came into bed. If any of these random things had even crossed your mind. How it was possible that you REALLY could just shut it all off and not talk to me. Out of nowhere. How it was possible ... regardless of how important the kids are to you ... that you would even consider going back to something that you know you don't want. That won't work. Have you really convinced yourself that you could be happy with her? Is that really a conceivable notion in your mind? Or ... heaven forbid ... is it even factual ...? I truly don't believe it is ... but ... unfortunately ... I feel as though you may have convinced yourself that it is. And that is my worst nightmare. I don't want you to settle for something. Or someone. In order to do what you think is best. Even if it's for the kids. Especially when it's NOT best. When it's a HORRIBLE influence for them. When it's HORRIBLE for you. When you could be so happy. Have someone that would treat you RIGHT. Make you HAPPY. And like I've told you before. It doesn't have to be me. I want so badly for it TO be me. But it doesn't have to be. But I know one thing. It's NOT her. You know it as well as I do. You just want it to be right now, because you think it will be best for the kids if you're together.
But ... back to the point. I was at work this morning, listening to every possible love song, playing on the radio. It made me think. And start questioning the meaning of life, lol. Or at least ... the meaning of life, here lately. Then ... more importantly ... it made me wonder about life. MY life. Right now. It's like I'm living out the movie, "The Notebook." You and me ... we're Noah and Allie. Not the money, and who's doing the writing, and we don't know the ending ... yet ... officially ... :) (wink, wink) ... But the whole ... writing letters, every day. And, I almost feel like ... you're not getting them, because I almost don't KNOW if you're getting them, because you're not RESPONDING to them. And ... even now ... BECAUSE you're not responding to them, and I don't know if you even want them or not ... I'm forced to do it this way. In a blog. So I'm not actually sending them to you. But it's all to you. either way. whether you know it or not. Whether you read it or not. God ... I wish I knew if you read it. Either way ... this whole pen-pal thing is one sided. But I want you to know you're loved. I want you to know that ... even when you're having a bad day ... there's still someone that's always going to be there for you. There's still someone that cares. There's still someone that loves you unconditionally. That will support you. That will never try to manipulate your decisions or actions. I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere.
He drew a circle to shut me out. A heretic rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win, we drew a circle that took him in. ~ Edwin Markham
Have you ever really thought about unconditional love? Ever REALLY thought about it? TRUE love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give. Which is everything. So ... while I wonder what you're thinking ... and wish that you would respond ... somehow ... I'm ok that I don't know. That you're not saying anything. And I'll continue to sit here and do as I am, and show you how much I love you. Because I'm not giving up on you.
You know the only other thing that I was wondering about today? Why does everyone keep telling me ... "It is what it is?" I mean ... these are both people that know me, as well as people that know you. I know that they're all just trying to help me move on, and stop hurting, but ... as least ... the ones that know you ... are they trying to tell me something that I don't know? Or are they just trying to tell me to do what they think is best for me? It almost makes it harder. Because it makes me start to question everything. Logic behind things. Reasoning for actions. It's so hard sometimes. Hard to understand. Hard to cope. Other times, things come easily. Then ... people say things, or make me start questioning and wondering, which makes me start thinking. Too hard. I just want ... well ... let's not even begin to talk about what I want. Because there's SO many things I want. Ranging all the way from simply you simply texting me to say hello, that you miss me and wanted to say hi ... to you calling and telling me that you need me to move with you ... to you just walking back in the door, saying that you're back home. Just to name a few. I don't even care anymore. I don't care what happens. I don't care where life takes me. I just know one thing. My life needs YOU in it. That's all I know. I know that if I have that ONE qualifier, everything else will be ok.
Just like we always said ... "You and me together, we can do ANYTHING."
I need you to know that again.
As I was at work this morning, listening to every possible love song you could imagine, playing on the radio overhead, I began thinking. I began questioning several things. I began wondering if you were thinking of me. If Isa had a good birthday. What you were doing for New Years. If you missed me. Then I corrected myself. Of course you missed me. And no, I wasn't being conceited about that. I just knew that, no matter how glad you were to be back with the kids, you still loved me, and wished I could be there too. Then I started wondering what you thought about when you went to bed at night. If it was the same. If your thoughts were the same as mine. If you missed coming home to me. Missed me calling you when you were on the way home. Missed me waking up as you walked in the door. Missed our talks as you came into bed. If any of these random things had even crossed your mind. How it was possible that you REALLY could just shut it all off and not talk to me. Out of nowhere. How it was possible ... regardless of how important the kids are to you ... that you would even consider going back to something that you know you don't want. That won't work. Have you really convinced yourself that you could be happy with her? Is that really a conceivable notion in your mind? Or ... heaven forbid ... is it even factual ...? I truly don't believe it is ... but ... unfortunately ... I feel as though you may have convinced yourself that it is. And that is my worst nightmare. I don't want you to settle for something. Or someone. In order to do what you think is best. Even if it's for the kids. Especially when it's NOT best. When it's a HORRIBLE influence for them. When it's HORRIBLE for you. When you could be so happy. Have someone that would treat you RIGHT. Make you HAPPY. And like I've told you before. It doesn't have to be me. I want so badly for it TO be me. But it doesn't have to be. But I know one thing. It's NOT her. You know it as well as I do. You just want it to be right now, because you think it will be best for the kids if you're together.
But ... back to the point. I was at work this morning, listening to every possible love song, playing on the radio. It made me think. And start questioning the meaning of life, lol. Or at least ... the meaning of life, here lately. Then ... more importantly ... it made me wonder about life. MY life. Right now. It's like I'm living out the movie, "The Notebook." You and me ... we're Noah and Allie. Not the money, and who's doing the writing, and we don't know the ending ... yet ... officially ... :) (wink, wink) ... But the whole ... writing letters, every day. And, I almost feel like ... you're not getting them, because I almost don't KNOW if you're getting them, because you're not RESPONDING to them. And ... even now ... BECAUSE you're not responding to them, and I don't know if you even want them or not ... I'm forced to do it this way. In a blog. So I'm not actually sending them to you. But it's all to you. either way. whether you know it or not. Whether you read it or not. God ... I wish I knew if you read it. Either way ... this whole pen-pal thing is one sided. But I want you to know you're loved. I want you to know that ... even when you're having a bad day ... there's still someone that's always going to be there for you. There's still someone that cares. There's still someone that loves you unconditionally. That will support you. That will never try to manipulate your decisions or actions. I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere.
He drew a circle to shut me out. A heretic rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win, we drew a circle that took him in. ~ Edwin Markham
Have you ever really thought about unconditional love? Ever REALLY thought about it? TRUE love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give. Which is everything. So ... while I wonder what you're thinking ... and wish that you would respond ... somehow ... I'm ok that I don't know. That you're not saying anything. And I'll continue to sit here and do as I am, and show you how much I love you. Because I'm not giving up on you.
You know the only other thing that I was wondering about today? Why does everyone keep telling me ... "It is what it is?" I mean ... these are both people that know me, as well as people that know you. I know that they're all just trying to help me move on, and stop hurting, but ... as least ... the ones that know you ... are they trying to tell me something that I don't know? Or are they just trying to tell me to do what they think is best for me? It almost makes it harder. Because it makes me start to question everything. Logic behind things. Reasoning for actions. It's so hard sometimes. Hard to understand. Hard to cope. Other times, things come easily. Then ... people say things, or make me start questioning and wondering, which makes me start thinking. Too hard. I just want ... well ... let's not even begin to talk about what I want. Because there's SO many things I want. Ranging all the way from simply you simply texting me to say hello, that you miss me and wanted to say hi ... to you calling and telling me that you need me to move with you ... to you just walking back in the door, saying that you're back home. Just to name a few. I don't even care anymore. I don't care what happens. I don't care where life takes me. I just know one thing. My life needs YOU in it. That's all I know. I know that if I have that ONE qualifier, everything else will be ok.
Just like we always said ... "You and me together, we can do ANYTHING."
I need you to know that again.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Inner Peace
It's weird. I have such an inner peace about myself. I'm not sure if it's because I've finally figured out how I'm going to handle all of this, or if it's because I truly am THAT confident that everything will end up as it's supposed to. And ... for the record ... NO. I don't mean, that everything will be ok, no matter what you decide, although I'm sure that will be the case as well. But I really am that confident that true love will prevail. I'm just really not worried about it anymore. I'm ok with allowing you some time to do what you need to do to figure out whatever it is that you need to figure out. Allow you the freedom to make some mistakes. Do what you need to do. Be there for the kids. And then realize that you need me too.
I came up with what I'm going to do for your birthday. I started working on the plans today. The thoughts and beginnings of the planning stages brings so much joy to me, that I cannot wait to know what the final product does for you. Not that I will get to see the look on your face ... unless of course, you face time me with that nifty iphone 4, we both have ;) And if you don't ... it's ok. Because I know it will make you smile. I can already see the look on your face. You may even shed a tear. Just one though, lol. I mean ... not to be TOO confident or anything ... but ... it's gonna be pretty fabulous ;) At least ... I think so :) :) :)
Don't get me wrong. There's times that I get sad. And I always miss you. And I still don't understand, completely, why you're doing what you're doing. But I support you. And I always will. Even if sometimes I think you're crazy. And even if it hurts. Really bad. I just wish you weren't such a doody head when you were doing what you had to do. And I wish you tried harder at making me understand. Instead of saying, "I don't expect you to understand." And I wish that you didn't ignore me, like you wished I would go away. Because that's what it feels like. Yet we both know that's not what you want. Everyone on the PLANET knows thats not what you want. Otherwise, you would just tell me to go away. And not tell me that I'm the last person in the world that you want to hurt. You wouldn't tell me that you'll always love me. You're not a liar. You're not an asshole. You're just not. I don't like you right now; I don't understand you right now; but I'll always love and support you. Even when you're being a poo-poo doo-doo stinky butt.
Yup. That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it :)
I came up with what I'm going to do for your birthday. I started working on the plans today. The thoughts and beginnings of the planning stages brings so much joy to me, that I cannot wait to know what the final product does for you. Not that I will get to see the look on your face ... unless of course, you face time me with that nifty iphone 4, we both have ;) And if you don't ... it's ok. Because I know it will make you smile. I can already see the look on your face. You may even shed a tear. Just one though, lol. I mean ... not to be TOO confident or anything ... but ... it's gonna be pretty fabulous ;) At least ... I think so :) :) :)
Don't get me wrong. There's times that I get sad. And I always miss you. And I still don't understand, completely, why you're doing what you're doing. But I support you. And I always will. Even if sometimes I think you're crazy. And even if it hurts. Really bad. I just wish you weren't such a doody head when you were doing what you had to do. And I wish you tried harder at making me understand. Instead of saying, "I don't expect you to understand." And I wish that you didn't ignore me, like you wished I would go away. Because that's what it feels like. Yet we both know that's not what you want. Everyone on the PLANET knows thats not what you want. Otherwise, you would just tell me to go away. And not tell me that I'm the last person in the world that you want to hurt. You wouldn't tell me that you'll always love me. You're not a liar. You're not an asshole. You're just not. I don't like you right now; I don't understand you right now; but I'll always love and support you. Even when you're being a poo-poo doo-doo stinky butt.
Yup. That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it :)
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
here's the plan, stan
OK. So ... I'm getting the feeling that you're not going to be responding to any form of communication that I send your way, be it via text or email. We already know that you're not going to answer the phone, OR return the phone call, so that's already a given. What I DON'T know is why. I've tossed a few explanations around in my head ... here's what I've come up with thus far. a) you're completely shutting off all emotions towards me, thus making it easier for you to walk away from me, and back to jes and "the family." however, the reason i still don't understand this option is, why does that mean that you can't even talk to me? does that just make it harder? make you miss me? can you not shut off the emotions if you're still in contact with me? b) you suddenly woke up one day and realized that you no longer have any emotional ties to me. either you no longer care about me, and therefore could care less if you hurt me, or you woke up one day and realized, "I hate this bitch." now ... do i see this as a very likely option? no. but hey. it could happen. c) jes gave you an ultimatum. if you ever talk to ann again, this thing between us will NOT work. she sees you even talking to me as "emotional cheating," or something of that sort. well, i hate to break it to her, but if you even think about me, or love me ... REGARDLESS of it you're talking me ... the feeling is still there. the part that disappoints me is ... i never thought that you were the type of man that would let someone tell you what you were and were not allowed to do. or who you were and were not allowed to talk to.
But anyways ... here's my idea. Instead of bombarding you with every thought that goes through my head, or making you feel bad every time i miss you (which, i DON'T do, by the way, because i miss you every second, of every minute, of every day ... just FYI), i've decided to model my communication with you after your communication with jes and the kids from the past year. hey ... she still got to talk to you, and annoy you, and be a constant hurdle in our relationship, so i get to too, right?!?!? yes. it's gay. i know. but until you either tell me to fuck off, or i miraculously decide that i hate you more than i love you (which i don't foresee happening anytime ... well ... ever), i don't intend on going away. it's like my very own form of custody ... of you :) bahaha. you know it made you laugh. it's kind of like visitation, except i don't ever get to see you :( or talk to you :( but you get to see me :) so ... since i don't take nearly as many cute pictures as the kids do, i can't exactly text you a zillions pictures a day. and since i can't get you to skype with me, i can't really do that twice a week. However, i can do some sort of combination of the above. so here's my plan ... until you decide that you're ready to respond ... in some way shape form or fashion ... with either a hello ... or a fuck off ... i'm going to send you some sort of picture on Saturday's, and an email on Wednesday's. So those will be your happy days. Hopefully ... :) i mean ... who wouldn't be excited to see a picture of this cute face?!?!?!?
Anywho ... i hope you like my plan. I hope you are laughing at my retarded, stubborn, OCD ass. I hope you have a wonderful birthday with Isa. Please find a quick moment when Jes isn't in the room, and give her a big hug and tell her I said happy birthday, that i love her, and that it's her day to be a princess.
I love you, Christopher. I talk to you soon. Or ... you'll see me soon, rather :)
But anyways ... here's my idea. Instead of bombarding you with every thought that goes through my head, or making you feel bad every time i miss you (which, i DON'T do, by the way, because i miss you every second, of every minute, of every day ... just FYI), i've decided to model my communication with you after your communication with jes and the kids from the past year. hey ... she still got to talk to you, and annoy you, and be a constant hurdle in our relationship, so i get to too, right?!?!? yes. it's gay. i know. but until you either tell me to fuck off, or i miraculously decide that i hate you more than i love you (which i don't foresee happening anytime ... well ... ever), i don't intend on going away. it's like my very own form of custody ... of you :) bahaha. you know it made you laugh. it's kind of like visitation, except i don't ever get to see you :( or talk to you :( but you get to see me :) so ... since i don't take nearly as many cute pictures as the kids do, i can't exactly text you a zillions pictures a day. and since i can't get you to skype with me, i can't really do that twice a week. However, i can do some sort of combination of the above. so here's my plan ... until you decide that you're ready to respond ... in some way shape form or fashion ... with either a hello ... or a fuck off ... i'm going to send you some sort of picture on Saturday's, and an email on Wednesday's. So those will be your happy days. Hopefully ... :) i mean ... who wouldn't be excited to see a picture of this cute face?!?!?!?
Anywho ... i hope you like my plan. I hope you are laughing at my retarded, stubborn, OCD ass. I hope you have a wonderful birthday with Isa. Please find a quick moment when Jes isn't in the room, and give her a big hug and tell her I said happy birthday, that i love her, and that it's her day to be a princess.
I love you, Christopher. I talk to you soon. Or ... you'll see me soon, rather :)
Monday, December 27, 2010
Explanation of Entries Therein ...
Not that I actually expect anyone other than myself to actually read any of this ... but if you do ...
here's the cliff's note's version of what's going on. if you start at the bottom, and work your way up from here, you ought to be pretty caught up. but the main gist of it is, i'm pretty sure that at the rate i'm going, if i keep writing a million FB notes, and sending *him* a million emails/texts ... in order to get all of these thoughts and feelings out of my head ... someone out there on the receiving end of my cyber world of therapy is going to get REALLY tired of it. So here is my solution. Because ... the bottom line is ... I HAVE to get it out somewhere. So ... here it is.
Because I'm tired of the hurt/pain/feelings I keep dealing with. One minutem /i'm completely numb, and I just want to feel something. Anything. And the next minute I'm in so much pain that I just wish I could make it stop. So I can breathe. If only for a second. I'm just trying to remember why I want to be here. What there is to look forward to. Feel like all hope isn't lost.
here's the cliff's note's version of what's going on. if you start at the bottom, and work your way up from here, you ought to be pretty caught up. but the main gist of it is, i'm pretty sure that at the rate i'm going, if i keep writing a million FB notes, and sending *him* a million emails/texts ... in order to get all of these thoughts and feelings out of my head ... someone out there on the receiving end of my cyber world of therapy is going to get REALLY tired of it. So here is my solution. Because ... the bottom line is ... I HAVE to get it out somewhere. So ... here it is.
Because I'm tired of the hurt/pain/feelings I keep dealing with. One minutem /i'm completely numb, and I just want to feel something. Anything. And the next minute I'm in so much pain that I just wish I could make it stop. So I can breathe. If only for a second. I'm just trying to remember why I want to be here. What there is to look forward to. Feel like all hope isn't lost.
maybe i'm just a hopeless romantic ...
but I've always felt like love was a noble act of self-giving. The more you love, the more you lose a part of yourself. But somehow, you don't become less of who you are. In fact, you end up being complete. Love isn't about finding someone you can live with. It's about finding someone you can't live without. When you love someone, you shouldn't give up without a fight.
so here's today's fight. yes ... i DO think WE should be just as important as work and the children. That doesn't mean pushing the kids off to the background and ignoring their needs, or never staying late at work. It means making time for each other every day with a phone call to say hi or perhaps make sure that we have some quiet time together at the end of the day. It means setting aside a few hours each week to go out on a "date" and not discuss issues like bills, child-discipline, baby momma drama, etc. it means sometimes setting aside my own wishes because yours needs are more important, and knowing that you will do the same for me, on occasion. It means complimenting each other, appreciating each other, and listening to what you say makes you happy -- and doing it even though i can't imagine why something like letting the guys hold a Super Bowl party at the house brings them so much satisfaction.
It means choosing the job offer that pays a little less or sounds a little less prestigious, if it means that you won't have as many of those weekend nights, can spend less time commuting, or are expected to be at work 40 hours a week instead of 55. It also means that if I choose to be with you, someone who already has children, I am doing so with the understanding of the importance that the children play in your life, and we work together to balance your/our need to spend time with the children and give them emotional as well as financial support.
I just hope that you see that we CAN figure out a way to balance everyone's needs for attention, time, energy and love, and that we can develop the perspective to make this successful.
so here's today's fight. yes ... i DO think WE should be just as important as work and the children. That doesn't mean pushing the kids off to the background and ignoring their needs, or never staying late at work. It means making time for each other every day with a phone call to say hi or perhaps make sure that we have some quiet time together at the end of the day. It means setting aside a few hours each week to go out on a "date" and not discuss issues like bills, child-discipline, baby momma drama, etc. it means sometimes setting aside my own wishes because yours needs are more important, and knowing that you will do the same for me, on occasion. It means complimenting each other, appreciating each other, and listening to what you say makes you happy -- and doing it even though i can't imagine why something like letting the guys hold a Super Bowl party at the house brings them so much satisfaction.
It means choosing the job offer that pays a little less or sounds a little less prestigious, if it means that you won't have as many of those weekend nights, can spend less time commuting, or are expected to be at work 40 hours a week instead of 55. It also means that if I choose to be with you, someone who already has children, I am doing so with the understanding of the importance that the children play in your life, and we work together to balance your/our need to spend time with the children and give them emotional as well as financial support.
I just hope that you see that we CAN figure out a way to balance everyone's needs for attention, time, energy and love, and that we can develop the perspective to make this successful.
things i already miss
sneaking into your bathroom when you're gone, just because it smells like you.
waking up in the morning, rolling over, and staring at you :)
coming to your side of the bed in the morning and kissing your shaven head goodbye.
when i wake up about 2:30 in the morning, and call you to see if you're going to be home soon.
when you get home at night, and you come into the room to kiss me hello.
when you come into bed, and i roll over, onto you, and go straight back to sleep.
knowing that once a month, we get to go to FL to see your family. and the kids :'(
walking down your mom's dock with Isa and looking for fishes.
how every time we go to the monkey, it reminds me of the first time.
how you used to come up behind me when i was in the other room, and put your hands around my waist. God, you're so sexy.
the way you taste and smell when i kiss you, and how i started drinking coffee just because i love your coffee breathe.
how every time you want to make fun of me, you say "You're so cute."
the way you make fun of my a's and b's.
the way Ben used to say, "What's up, dude."
the way every time i see you walk out of the shower, i just want to follow you, so i can rip your towel off.
the way you send me special emoji's when you want some booty ;)
going to the movies, and getting two orders of nachos because neither of us wants to share.
the way you always eat your ice in your drink.
the way you were my personal tech support.
the way we teach each other things we should both already know to do ... like you teach me how to make coffee, and i teach you ... i dunno ... ill come back to that one ;)
the way we're so different, but we mesh so perfectly.
the way that when i'm flustered or angry, just talking to you, brings me back to a level of sanity where i can cope again.
the way that i never liked to hold hands when your fingers AREN'T interlocking, but that's what you like to do, and so now, that's all I can ever imagine doing. Because you're the only hand i want to hold.
the first time I ever met Ben and Isa, and we made dinner at the house, and Isa and I made pasta, and we colored after dinner. She liked me. She still does. I miss her.
the first time that you went to FL without me. And we talked when you got back. sitting on your bed. about how we both felt like we were in high school. and how in love we were. and how we never ever wanted to be apart. and how from then on, i had to go with you, because we could never again go that long without being together. because we were so much in love.
the first time we talked about getting married. in your car. in my driveway. after i made us leave dan mcguiness. and you said you were willing to "give up your stance against marriage." because you knew how you felt about me. and it (your stance) just really wasn't that important anymore. and as unromantic as that may have sounded to anyone else in the world ... it meant a lot to me. because i know you. and i know what that meant to you.
the letter you wrote me for my birthday last year. i still have it. i still keep it on my bed table. to this day. it's never left. My favorite line ..."even now, when you hold my hand, i am using my other hand to pinch myself ... I know it's early yet in this thing we have going on. But it's already special to me (and pretty f'ing cool, too.)." I bet you forgot about that, didn't you? it's still on your computer, if you want to read the rest of it :)
I'm sorry if this just makes this all that much harder on you. but it's helping me. i think. maybe over time, it'll get better. maybe it won't. like you said, it's a pretty unique situation. and just like you don't know how to deal with it, neither do i. so i'm writing. a lot. and i'm trying to get some of it out now, and NOT with physical violence, and before that one time that i may happen to see you in public or, dear lord ... say it isnt so ... talk to you ... so that i don't scream and yell and bitch and moan. so here is my therapy. take it as you may.
waking up in the morning, rolling over, and staring at you :)
coming to your side of the bed in the morning and kissing your shaven head goodbye.
when i wake up about 2:30 in the morning, and call you to see if you're going to be home soon.
when you get home at night, and you come into the room to kiss me hello.
when you come into bed, and i roll over, onto you, and go straight back to sleep.
knowing that once a month, we get to go to FL to see your family. and the kids :'(
walking down your mom's dock with Isa and looking for fishes.
how every time we go to the monkey, it reminds me of the first time.
how you used to come up behind me when i was in the other room, and put your hands around my waist. God, you're so sexy.
the way you taste and smell when i kiss you, and how i started drinking coffee just because i love your coffee breathe.
how every time you want to make fun of me, you say "You're so cute."
the way you make fun of my a's and b's.
the way Ben used to say, "What's up, dude."
the way every time i see you walk out of the shower, i just want to follow you, so i can rip your towel off.
the way you send me special emoji's when you want some booty ;)
going to the movies, and getting two orders of nachos because neither of us wants to share.
the way you always eat your ice in your drink.
the way you were my personal tech support.
the way we teach each other things we should both already know to do ... like you teach me how to make coffee, and i teach you ... i dunno ... ill come back to that one ;)
the way we're so different, but we mesh so perfectly.
the way that when i'm flustered or angry, just talking to you, brings me back to a level of sanity where i can cope again.
the way that i never liked to hold hands when your fingers AREN'T interlocking, but that's what you like to do, and so now, that's all I can ever imagine doing. Because you're the only hand i want to hold.
the first time I ever met Ben and Isa, and we made dinner at the house, and Isa and I made pasta, and we colored after dinner. She liked me. She still does. I miss her.
the first time that you went to FL without me. And we talked when you got back. sitting on your bed. about how we both felt like we were in high school. and how in love we were. and how we never ever wanted to be apart. and how from then on, i had to go with you, because we could never again go that long without being together. because we were so much in love.
the first time we talked about getting married. in your car. in my driveway. after i made us leave dan mcguiness. and you said you were willing to "give up your stance against marriage." because you knew how you felt about me. and it (your stance) just really wasn't that important anymore. and as unromantic as that may have sounded to anyone else in the world ... it meant a lot to me. because i know you. and i know what that meant to you.
the letter you wrote me for my birthday last year. i still have it. i still keep it on my bed table. to this day. it's never left. My favorite line ..."even now, when you hold my hand, i am using my other hand to pinch myself ... I know it's early yet in this thing we have going on. But it's already special to me (and pretty f'ing cool, too.)." I bet you forgot about that, didn't you? it's still on your computer, if you want to read the rest of it :)
I'm sorry if this just makes this all that much harder on you. but it's helping me. i think. maybe over time, it'll get better. maybe it won't. like you said, it's a pretty unique situation. and just like you don't know how to deal with it, neither do i. so i'm writing. a lot. and i'm trying to get some of it out now, and NOT with physical violence, and before that one time that i may happen to see you in public or, dear lord ... say it isnt so ... talk to you ... so that i don't scream and yell and bitch and moan. so here is my therapy. take it as you may.
a lesson in contentment
Chris,
I will try ... yet again ... to both, a) understand where it is that you are coming from, and b) get you to understand where it is that I, myself, a coming from.
I DO, unbeknownst to you, understand your logic for how you derived at your decision. The problem is, I don't agree with it. I DO understand that you are trying to get to see the children 365 days a year. I get that. I do. I understand that you think that it will be best for them if they can have both parents in the same house. However, here is where our opinions differ. I think that what you are either failing to realize ... or choosing to ignore (I'm not sure which) ... is that when you choose to settle for something ... when you choose a relationship that you KNOW is not the best for you, not ideal, not the best that you can have (because you NOW know that something so much deeper, so much more TRUE, so much more REAL ... is that you are choosing complacency. You are choosing to be content in something, rather than true joy and happiness. True love. What you are failing to consider, is that, while it would be great for the kids to have both of you in the same house, that is only true if you two have a REAL relationship with one another. The kids are already going to have enough issues with trust and love, because of all the games that she's playing and how many times she has taken them away from you. Used them as pawns in her game of chess, to simply get you back. Her whole agenda is, if she can't have you, then you can't be happy. Well, you were happy. So, she had to have you back. She couldn't have you back, so she moved. Then she started threatening to bring other men into the kids life. That scared you. You don't want to be replaced as Dad. I get that. I totally do. Then she realized that wasn't working. So she had to take it a step further. And now here we are. But you must realize, your decisions don't just affect you, and how much you see the kids. They take a TOLL on the kids too. And there's no need to go immediately back into a setting where you a) don't know if it's going to work, and b) even if it does work, it won't be ideal. Not the type of household where there is resentment, hostility, manipulation, dishonestly, etc. Not one where you are simply content, and you know that you could have something so much better elsewhere. Not one where, when she gets bored, she seeks entertainment elsewhere. Not one where you are constantly stressed out about financial obligations.
This is where I'm coming from. While I DO understand where you're coming from, and you're need to see the kids, and you're desire to do what's best for them, I disagree with what you're thoughts are on what is best. Yes, I believe you need to see them more. But I feel like you are failing to consider other options for fulfilling this need. Such as moving there, but not being with her. Such as joint custody. Such as full custody, seeing as she is moving at least once every six months (which does NOT show a stable home environment). And as soon as you start joining in on her games, and playing into her manipulation tactics, and becoming a pawn in her games, you will then lose any credibility that you might have had in order to keep these possibilities open. Because then you became another unstable parent, in the eyes of the court. If you go down there, and move in with her, AGAIN, and then realize that you're not happy with the same old bullshit, or you're not happy just settling, now having seen the brighter pastures, and then you leave, or she leaves you AGAIN, taking the kids with her, then you're just another unstable parents in their lives.
That's why I am in such full support of you going to your mom's. And thinking. For a while. Alone. And not concentrating on a relationship. With ANYONE. With her, OR me. And I'm fine with that. But I would, HOWEVER, appreciate it if, if and when I call, or text, or email, or WHATEVER ... you would stop being such a fucking ASSHOLE, and ignoring me. Because you and I BOTH know that you ignoring me is not going to make matters ANY better. It will just make me hurt more. And it won't make you stop loving me. Nothing is going to make you stop loving me. You might be able to turn it off, and stop thinking about it for a little while, but it will still creep back into your thoughts every once and while. And it will always be there. You can't make something like that go away. Not when NOTHING wrong ever happened.
I support you Chris. As hard as it is, and as much as I hate to say it, I do. One of the things I love the most about you, is your independance, and the fact that once you make a decision, you stand by your guns, and do as you wish, no matter what anyone around you says. I LOVE the fact that you love your kids as much as you do, and you're willing to do anything in the world for them. I think you are, without a doubt, the best father I have ever met in my entire life. I only wish that you would not turn off the emotional part (at least, towards me), so that my opinions would at least matter. When you love someone, when they COMPLETE you, their opinoins should matter. Especially when it's deciding your future. Your JOINT future. Your livelihood. My only wish and hope is that when you are at your mom's, you will think. You will think about what you really want for the children. If you truly think it is best for them to be raised in an unstable home, with both mom and dad. Or if it's better for them to have two separate homes, like in Memphis, before they left, when they still got to see Dad all the time, and had QUALITY time with Dad, and Dad was truly HAPPY. Not stressed out all the time. Not mad at mom. Not resentful that he was settling, and giving up HIS life, to do what mom wanted to do, or move where mom wanted to move, or give up the woman he was in love with, to try to pretend like he was ok, being content with a small bit of love that he held for the mother of his children, who was NOT the love of his life. It's up to you Chris. Think about it. Who do you think would be the better father?
I love you. I won't deny, I hate the asshole that you're being right now, but I love you all the same.
Ann-
I will try ... yet again ... to both, a) understand where it is that you are coming from, and b) get you to understand where it is that I, myself, a coming from.
I DO, unbeknownst to you, understand your logic for how you derived at your decision. The problem is, I don't agree with it. I DO understand that you are trying to get to see the children 365 days a year. I get that. I do. I understand that you think that it will be best for them if they can have both parents in the same house. However, here is where our opinions differ. I think that what you are either failing to realize ... or choosing to ignore (I'm not sure which) ... is that when you choose to settle for something ... when you choose a relationship that you KNOW is not the best for you, not ideal, not the best that you can have (because you NOW know that something so much deeper, so much more TRUE, so much more REAL ... is that you are choosing complacency. You are choosing to be content in something, rather than true joy and happiness. True love. What you are failing to consider, is that, while it would be great for the kids to have both of you in the same house, that is only true if you two have a REAL relationship with one another. The kids are already going to have enough issues with trust and love, because of all the games that she's playing and how many times she has taken them away from you. Used them as pawns in her game of chess, to simply get you back. Her whole agenda is, if she can't have you, then you can't be happy. Well, you were happy. So, she had to have you back. She couldn't have you back, so she moved. Then she started threatening to bring other men into the kids life. That scared you. You don't want to be replaced as Dad. I get that. I totally do. Then she realized that wasn't working. So she had to take it a step further. And now here we are. But you must realize, your decisions don't just affect you, and how much you see the kids. They take a TOLL on the kids too. And there's no need to go immediately back into a setting where you a) don't know if it's going to work, and b) even if it does work, it won't be ideal. Not the type of household where there is resentment, hostility, manipulation, dishonestly, etc. Not one where you are simply content, and you know that you could have something so much better elsewhere. Not one where, when she gets bored, she seeks entertainment elsewhere. Not one where you are constantly stressed out about financial obligations.
This is where I'm coming from. While I DO understand where you're coming from, and you're need to see the kids, and you're desire to do what's best for them, I disagree with what you're thoughts are on what is best. Yes, I believe you need to see them more. But I feel like you are failing to consider other options for fulfilling this need. Such as moving there, but not being with her. Such as joint custody. Such as full custody, seeing as she is moving at least once every six months (which does NOT show a stable home environment). And as soon as you start joining in on her games, and playing into her manipulation tactics, and becoming a pawn in her games, you will then lose any credibility that you might have had in order to keep these possibilities open. Because then you became another unstable parent, in the eyes of the court. If you go down there, and move in with her, AGAIN, and then realize that you're not happy with the same old bullshit, or you're not happy just settling, now having seen the brighter pastures, and then you leave, or she leaves you AGAIN, taking the kids with her, then you're just another unstable parents in their lives.
That's why I am in such full support of you going to your mom's. And thinking. For a while. Alone. And not concentrating on a relationship. With ANYONE. With her, OR me. And I'm fine with that. But I would, HOWEVER, appreciate it if, if and when I call, or text, or email, or WHATEVER ... you would stop being such a fucking ASSHOLE, and ignoring me. Because you and I BOTH know that you ignoring me is not going to make matters ANY better. It will just make me hurt more. And it won't make you stop loving me. Nothing is going to make you stop loving me. You might be able to turn it off, and stop thinking about it for a little while, but it will still creep back into your thoughts every once and while. And it will always be there. You can't make something like that go away. Not when NOTHING wrong ever happened.
I support you Chris. As hard as it is, and as much as I hate to say it, I do. One of the things I love the most about you, is your independance, and the fact that once you make a decision, you stand by your guns, and do as you wish, no matter what anyone around you says. I LOVE the fact that you love your kids as much as you do, and you're willing to do anything in the world for them. I think you are, without a doubt, the best father I have ever met in my entire life. I only wish that you would not turn off the emotional part (at least, towards me), so that my opinions would at least matter. When you love someone, when they COMPLETE you, their opinoins should matter. Especially when it's deciding your future. Your JOINT future. Your livelihood. My only wish and hope is that when you are at your mom's, you will think. You will think about what you really want for the children. If you truly think it is best for them to be raised in an unstable home, with both mom and dad. Or if it's better for them to have two separate homes, like in Memphis, before they left, when they still got to see Dad all the time, and had QUALITY time with Dad, and Dad was truly HAPPY. Not stressed out all the time. Not mad at mom. Not resentful that he was settling, and giving up HIS life, to do what mom wanted to do, or move where mom wanted to move, or give up the woman he was in love with, to try to pretend like he was ok, being content with a small bit of love that he held for the mother of his children, who was NOT the love of his life. It's up to you Chris. Think about it. Who do you think would be the better father?
I love you. I won't deny, I hate the asshole that you're being right now, but I love you all the same.
Ann-
Yesterday morning ...
It's funny how one of the things I love about you the most, would come to bite me in MY OWN ass one day. I love you for being so independent, & making your own decisions, no matter what those around you may think. And being steadfast and firm in those decisions.
But I will never understand why you would leave the one person that, to this day, you still admit makes you happier than anyone ever has. That you have a love for, that you've never before felt for anyone else.
I love you. I respect you. I support you in any decision you make, if that's what you think is best and thats the decision you make. But right now ... I disagree. I do not understand you right now. Not one bit. I know that you're doing what you think is best for the kids. At least ... That's what you say.
But honestly ... I think you're wrong. And I think part of it is selfish. Not that I'm not being selfish. But I think all you're thinking about is wanting to see them 24/7, 365 days a year. And you think it'll be best if they have mom and dad in the same house. But it WON'T be best if mom and dad are the way you two are. It WON'T be best if dad's heart is always somewhere else.
And you're not considering the fact that there are ways that we can still see them just as often. And still have each other. I know that you think I keep repeating myself. And that this conversation keeps going in circles. And I do. And it does. Because ... Right now ... You're being you. The man I'm so madly in love with. The man that makes a decision and sticks by it, no matter what facts, evidence, or opinions any person in the world may bring to light. But I'm going to keep talking circles around you. Until you either tell me that you can move down there and NOT think about me, and know that you'll be ok without me in your life ... Or until you start to listen to me. REALLY listen to me. And truly HEAR what it is I'm saying. Even if all it is you do is tell me that you'll move down there and take time to yourself to really THINK about what it is your doing. And see the kids every weekend. And fill that emptiness in your heart. But just be YOU. By yourself. Because I have enough faith in us, in our love, and in the STRENGTH of our love, that if you do that, you will realize that you need me to. Not as much as you need the kids. I would never suggest that my importance be equivalent to theirs. But hopefully ... You need me enough to find a solution that integrates us both. I think you owe me that. I think you owe yourself that. I think you owe her and the kids that ... Before you go back to them in hopes that it will work ... But knowing you'll still think about me, and miss me, and NOT being "all in." I don't understand you right now.
But I'm trying. SO so hard. And praying for patience. And peace of mind. And trying so hard to have faith in what I know is true. What I know you can't deny. What I know isn't going away. What you can't forget.
God grant me the serenity ...
But I will never understand why you would leave the one person that, to this day, you still admit makes you happier than anyone ever has. That you have a love for, that you've never before felt for anyone else.
I love you. I respect you. I support you in any decision you make, if that's what you think is best and thats the decision you make. But right now ... I disagree. I do not understand you right now. Not one bit. I know that you're doing what you think is best for the kids. At least ... That's what you say.
But honestly ... I think you're wrong. And I think part of it is selfish. Not that I'm not being selfish. But I think all you're thinking about is wanting to see them 24/7, 365 days a year. And you think it'll be best if they have mom and dad in the same house. But it WON'T be best if mom and dad are the way you two are. It WON'T be best if dad's heart is always somewhere else.
And you're not considering the fact that there are ways that we can still see them just as often. And still have each other. I know that you think I keep repeating myself. And that this conversation keeps going in circles. And I do. And it does. Because ... Right now ... You're being you. The man I'm so madly in love with. The man that makes a decision and sticks by it, no matter what facts, evidence, or opinions any person in the world may bring to light. But I'm going to keep talking circles around you. Until you either tell me that you can move down there and NOT think about me, and know that you'll be ok without me in your life ... Or until you start to listen to me. REALLY listen to me. And truly HEAR what it is I'm saying. Even if all it is you do is tell me that you'll move down there and take time to yourself to really THINK about what it is your doing. And see the kids every weekend. And fill that emptiness in your heart. But just be YOU. By yourself. Because I have enough faith in us, in our love, and in the STRENGTH of our love, that if you do that, you will realize that you need me to. Not as much as you need the kids. I would never suggest that my importance be equivalent to theirs. But hopefully ... You need me enough to find a solution that integrates us both. I think you owe me that. I think you owe yourself that. I think you owe her and the kids that ... Before you go back to them in hopes that it will work ... But knowing you'll still think about me, and miss me, and NOT being "all in." I don't understand you right now.
But I'm trying. SO so hard. And praying for patience. And peace of mind. And trying so hard to have faith in what I know is true. What I know you can't deny. What I know isn't going away. What you can't forget.
God grant me the serenity ...
2011 ... the year of nothing.
i'd love to say it's the year of new beginnings ... but i don't want new beginnings.
or the year of new possibilities ... but i'm not open to them.
i don't even know that i can form fully coherent thoughts right now. all at once ... i'm starting a new job, where i know no one. one that i'm not exactly ... pretty much not AT ALL excited about. i've lost the one person in my life that completely, fully understood me. the one person that completed me in a way that no one ever has, and i doubt no one ever again will. i've always known that i've loved too hard. i fall in love entirely too easily. too quickly. i put too much of myself into it, which allows myself to get hurt to an extent that it feels like i may never recover. but this time was different. this time ... i knew it would be ok. because he was my soul mate. the one person that my world revolved around. no ... MADE my world revolve. and now he's making the ultimate sacrifice ... sacrificing OUR happiness to complete his own emptiness ... so that he can be there for his children. and I can't fault him for that. i want ... MORE than anything for him to be happy. selfishly ... i want to be able to aid in ensuring that goal is accomplished. but regardless ... the pain is still there. i still can't eat, sleep, stop the thoughts and questions from swirling around in my head constantly. the sharp pain of my heart constantly breaking into a million pieces. i can't stop the tears from rolling down my face. i can't stop from hating her, for ripping the children away. for blaming her for being so manipulative, and masterminding the whole plan from the beginning. for dooming our happiness from the start. i can't help from constantly wondering why. wondering if the situation had been different, if the outcome would have been different as well. wondering if things will be best in the end. wondering if the old adage is true ... "if you truely love someone, let them go. if it's meant to be, they'll find their way back to you." if he even does find his way back, if i'll be able to find it in myself to let him back in. if i'll even find a way to make it through the days until then.
i seem to have even lost my own identity. i wasn't "me" anymore. and i was ok with that. i rather liked it. everything about me was associated with him. because ... as i said ... he completed me. i wasn't completely "whole" before. and now i'm just broken and incomplete. and starting a new job, that i don't like, where i know no one. where they tell me precisely how to dress, how to wear my hair, what earrings i CAN'T wear, and a million other things. nothing about me is ME anymore. i don't even know who "me" is anymore.
or the year of new possibilities ... but i'm not open to them.
i don't even know that i can form fully coherent thoughts right now. all at once ... i'm starting a new job, where i know no one. one that i'm not exactly ... pretty much not AT ALL excited about. i've lost the one person in my life that completely, fully understood me. the one person that completed me in a way that no one ever has, and i doubt no one ever again will. i've always known that i've loved too hard. i fall in love entirely too easily. too quickly. i put too much of myself into it, which allows myself to get hurt to an extent that it feels like i may never recover. but this time was different. this time ... i knew it would be ok. because he was my soul mate. the one person that my world revolved around. no ... MADE my world revolve. and now he's making the ultimate sacrifice ... sacrificing OUR happiness to complete his own emptiness ... so that he can be there for his children. and I can't fault him for that. i want ... MORE than anything for him to be happy. selfishly ... i want to be able to aid in ensuring that goal is accomplished. but regardless ... the pain is still there. i still can't eat, sleep, stop the thoughts and questions from swirling around in my head constantly. the sharp pain of my heart constantly breaking into a million pieces. i can't stop the tears from rolling down my face. i can't stop from hating her, for ripping the children away. for blaming her for being so manipulative, and masterminding the whole plan from the beginning. for dooming our happiness from the start. i can't help from constantly wondering why. wondering if the situation had been different, if the outcome would have been different as well. wondering if things will be best in the end. wondering if the old adage is true ... "if you truely love someone, let them go. if it's meant to be, they'll find their way back to you." if he even does find his way back, if i'll be able to find it in myself to let him back in. if i'll even find a way to make it through the days until then.
i seem to have even lost my own identity. i wasn't "me" anymore. and i was ok with that. i rather liked it. everything about me was associated with him. because ... as i said ... he completed me. i wasn't completely "whole" before. and now i'm just broken and incomplete. and starting a new job, that i don't like, where i know no one. where they tell me precisely how to dress, how to wear my hair, what earrings i CAN'T wear, and a million other things. nothing about me is ME anymore. i don't even know who "me" is anymore.
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