life can make you think of the strangest things ...
As I was at work this morning, listening to every possible love song you could imagine, playing on the radio overhead, I began thinking. I began questioning several things. I began wondering if you were thinking of me. If Isa had a good birthday. What you were doing for New Years. If you missed me. Then I corrected myself. Of course you missed me. And no, I wasn't being conceited about that. I just knew that, no matter how glad you were to be back with the kids, you still loved me, and wished I could be there too. Then I started wondering what you thought about when you went to bed at night. If it was the same. If your thoughts were the same as mine. If you missed coming home to me. Missed me calling you when you were on the way home. Missed me waking up as you walked in the door. Missed our talks as you came into bed. If any of these random things had even crossed your mind. How it was possible that you REALLY could just shut it all off and not talk to me. Out of nowhere. How it was possible ... regardless of how important the kids are to you ... that you would even consider going back to something that you know you don't want. That won't work. Have you really convinced yourself that you could be happy with her? Is that really a conceivable notion in your mind? Or ... heaven forbid ... is it even factual ...? I truly don't believe it is ... but ... unfortunately ... I feel as though you may have convinced yourself that it is. And that is my worst nightmare. I don't want you to settle for something. Or someone. In order to do what you think is best. Even if it's for the kids. Especially when it's NOT best. When it's a HORRIBLE influence for them. When it's HORRIBLE for you. When you could be so happy. Have someone that would treat you RIGHT. Make you HAPPY. And like I've told you before. It doesn't have to be me. I want so badly for it TO be me. But it doesn't have to be. But I know one thing. It's NOT her. You know it as well as I do. You just want it to be right now, because you think it will be best for the kids if you're together.
But ... back to the point. I was at work this morning, listening to every possible love song, playing on the radio. It made me think. And start questioning the meaning of life, lol. Or at least ... the meaning of life, here lately. Then ... more importantly ... it made me wonder about life. MY life. Right now. It's like I'm living out the movie, "The Notebook." You and me ... we're Noah and Allie. Not the money, and who's doing the writing, and we don't know the ending ... yet ... officially ... :) (wink, wink) ... But the whole ... writing letters, every day. And, I almost feel like ... you're not getting them, because I almost don't KNOW if you're getting them, because you're not RESPONDING to them. And ... even now ... BECAUSE you're not responding to them, and I don't know if you even want them or not ... I'm forced to do it this way. In a blog. So I'm not actually sending them to you. But it's all to you. either way. whether you know it or not. Whether you read it or not. God ... I wish I knew if you read it. Either way ... this whole pen-pal thing is one sided. But I want you to know you're loved. I want you to know that ... even when you're having a bad day ... there's still someone that's always going to be there for you. There's still someone that cares. There's still someone that loves you unconditionally. That will support you. That will never try to manipulate your decisions or actions. I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere.
He drew a circle to shut me out. A heretic rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win, we drew a circle that took him in. ~ Edwin Markham
Have you ever really thought about unconditional love? Ever REALLY thought about it? TRUE love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give. Which is everything. So ... while I wonder what you're thinking ... and wish that you would respond ... somehow ... I'm ok that I don't know. That you're not saying anything. And I'll continue to sit here and do as I am, and show you how much I love you. Because I'm not giving up on you.
You know the only other thing that I was wondering about today? Why does everyone keep telling me ... "It is what it is?" I mean ... these are both people that know me, as well as people that know you. I know that they're all just trying to help me move on, and stop hurting, but ... as least ... the ones that know you ... are they trying to tell me something that I don't know? Or are they just trying to tell me to do what they think is best for me? It almost makes it harder. Because it makes me start to question everything. Logic behind things. Reasoning for actions. It's so hard sometimes. Hard to understand. Hard to cope. Other times, things come easily. Then ... people say things, or make me start questioning and wondering, which makes me start thinking. Too hard. I just want ... well ... let's not even begin to talk about what I want. Because there's SO many things I want. Ranging all the way from simply you simply texting me to say hello, that you miss me and wanted to say hi ... to you calling and telling me that you need me to move with you ... to you just walking back in the door, saying that you're back home. Just to name a few. I don't even care anymore. I don't care what happens. I don't care where life takes me. I just know one thing. My life needs YOU in it. That's all I know. I know that if I have that ONE qualifier, everything else will be ok.
Just like we always said ... "You and me together, we can do ANYTHING."
I need you to know that again.
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