things i already miss

sneaking into your bathroom when you're gone, just because it smells like you.
waking up in the morning, rolling over, and staring at you :)
coming to your side of the bed in the morning and kissing your shaven head goodbye.
when i wake up about 2:30 in the morning, and call you to see if you're going to be home soon.
when you get home at night, and you come into the room to kiss me hello.
when you come into bed, and i roll over, onto you, and go straight back to sleep.
knowing that once a month, we get to go to FL to see your family.  and the kids :'(
walking down your mom's dock with Isa and looking for fishes.
how every time we go to the monkey, it reminds me of the first time.
how you used to come up behind me when i was in the other room, and put your hands around my waist.  God, you're so sexy.
the way you taste and smell when i kiss you, and how i started drinking coffee just because i love your coffee breathe.
how every time you want to make fun of me, you say "You're so cute."
the way you make fun of my a's and b's.
the way Ben used to say, "What's up, dude."
the way every time i see you walk out of the shower, i just want to follow you, so i can rip your towel off.
the way you send me special emoji's when you want some booty ;)
going to the movies, and getting two orders of nachos because neither of us wants to share.
the way you always eat your ice in your drink.
the way you were my personal tech support.
the way we teach each other things we should both already know to do ... like you teach me how to make coffee, and i teach you ... i dunno ... ill come back to that one ;)
the way we're so different, but we mesh so perfectly.
the way that when i'm flustered or angry, just talking to you, brings me back to a level of sanity where i can cope again.

the way that i never liked to hold hands when your fingers AREN'T interlocking, but that's what you like to do, and so now, that's all I can ever imagine doing.  Because you're the only hand i want to hold.

the first time I ever met Ben and Isa, and we made dinner at the house, and Isa and I made pasta, and we colored after dinner.  She liked me.  She still does.  I miss her. 

the first time that you went to FL without me.  And we talked when you got back.  sitting on your bed.  about how we both felt like we were in high school.  and how in love we were.  and how we never ever wanted to be apart.  and how from then on, i had to go with you, because we could never again go that long without being together. because we were so much in love.

the first time we talked about getting married.  in your car. in my driveway.  after i made us leave dan mcguiness.  and you said you were willing to "give up your stance against marriage."  because you knew how you felt about me.  and it (your stance) just really wasn't that important anymore.  and as unromantic as that may have sounded to anyone else in the world ... it meant a lot to me.  because i know you.  and i know what that meant to you.

the letter you wrote me for my birthday last year.  i still have it.  i still keep it on my bed table.  to this day.  it's never left.  My favorite line ..."even now, when you hold my hand, i am using my other hand to pinch myself ... I know it's early yet in this thing we have going on.  But it's already special to me (and pretty f'ing cool, too.)."  I bet you forgot about that, didn't you?  it's still on your computer, if you want to read the rest of it :)




I'm sorry if this just makes this all that much harder on you.  but it's helping me.  i think.  maybe over time, it'll get better.  maybe it won't.  like you said, it's a pretty unique situation.  and just like you don't know how to deal with it, neither do i.  so i'm writing.  a lot.  and i'm trying to get some of it out now, and NOT with physical violence, and before that one time that i may happen to see you in public or, dear lord ... say it isnt so ... talk to you ... so that i don't scream and yell and bitch and moan.  so here is my therapy.  take it as you may.