2011 ... the year of nothing.

i'd love to say it's the year of new beginnings ... but i don't want new beginnings.
or the year of new possibilities ... but i'm not open to them.

i don't even know that i can form fully coherent thoughts right now.  all at once ... i'm starting a new job, where i know no one.  one that i'm not exactly ... pretty much not AT ALL excited about.  i've lost the one person in my life that completely, fully understood me.  the one person that completed me in a way that no one ever has, and i doubt no one ever again will.  i've always known that i've loved too hard.  i fall in love entirely too easily. too quickly.   i put too much of myself into it, which allows myself to get hurt to an extent that it feels like i may never recover.  but this time was different.  this time ... i knew it would be ok.  because he was my soul mate.  the one person that my world revolved around.  no ... MADE my world revolve.  and now he's making the ultimate sacrifice ... sacrificing OUR happiness to complete his own emptiness ... so that he can be there for his children.  and I can't fault him for that.  i want ... MORE than anything for him to be happy.  selfishly ... i want to be able to aid in ensuring that goal is accomplished.  but regardless ... the pain is still there.  i still can't eat, sleep, stop the thoughts and questions from swirling around in my head constantly.  the sharp pain of my heart constantly breaking into a million pieces.  i can't stop the tears from rolling down my face.  i can't stop from hating her, for ripping the children away.  for blaming her for being so manipulative, and masterminding the whole plan from the beginning.  for dooming our happiness from the start.  i can't help from constantly wondering why.  wondering if the situation had been different, if the outcome would have been different as well.  wondering if things will be best in the end.  wondering if the old adage is true ... "if you truely love someone, let them go.  if it's meant to be, they'll find their way back to you."  if he even does find his way back, if i'll be able to find it in myself to let him back in.  if i'll even find a way to make it through the days until then.

i seem to have even lost my own identity.  i wasn't "me" anymore.  and i was ok with that.  i rather liked it.  everything about me was associated with him.  because ... as i said ... he completed me.  i wasn't completely "whole" before.  and now i'm just broken and incomplete.  and starting a new job, that i don't like, where i know no one.  where they tell me precisely how to dress, how to wear my hair, what earrings i CAN'T wear, and a million other things.  nothing about me is ME anymore.  i don't even know who "me" is anymore.