It's been awhile ...

 ... and I have a lot to catch everyone up on.

let's see ...

1)  i got my next eval at work.  i got a 5 out of 5.  pretty much ... that means i'm god's gift to biscuits and gravy.  yeah ... i know.  we're all surprised.  shock.  amazement.  wonder and awe.

2)  let's see ... what else ... well ... i seem to have worked my way through most of the stages of grief.  we all know i dealt with denial and isolation.  i had my fair share of anger.  i might have even tried some bargaining.  but then i zoomed right through depression and acceptance.  (yes, jon ... i will finally admit it now.  you're right.  go ahead, and say "i told you so.").  i think i had started to finally come to a realization that ... well ... no matter what i know that someone can be in their heart ... no matter what credit i give them for who i think they are and who i want them to be ... all that really matters is the here and now.  and ... in the here and now, all i can see if your present actions, and the way that they affect me.  and ... quite frankly ... i'm a bad ass girl.  and i deserve better than that.  i know what i deserve, and i'm not willing to settle for less.
     Barbara de Angelis once said, "You can't ask for what you want unless you know what it is.  A lot of people don't know what they want, or they want much less than they deserve.  First, you have to figure out what you want.  Second, you have to decide that you deserve it.  Third, you have to believe that you can get it.  And, fourth, you have to have the guts to ask for it."

Right after I had this revelation, one of my very best friends, and a very wise woman, solidified that decision for me.  She told me, ya know, I've always seen it like this.  When we lose something or someone good, you have to look at it like this ... Maybe what we thought we had was "great," but really, it was just "good."  Maybe what happens later is REALLY going to be great.  Maybe we don't even really know what "great" is, yet.  And maybe "great" will be with "them" again ... or maybe it will be with someone new ... but either way ... we deserve GREAT ... and one day ... we'll get "great."  And that's how I am going to choose to look at it.  Because I know what I deserve.  And I DO deserve "great." I deserve to be happy.  And ... now ... I'll remind you of what Marilyn said ...
     "I believe that everything happens for a reason.  People change so that you can learn to let go.  Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right.  You believe lies so that eventually, you will learn to trust no one but yourself.  Sometimes, good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together."

3)  Everything happens for a reason.  Everyone comes in and out of our lives for a reason.  We are but a sum of our parts.  And for everyone that enters and exits our lives, we take a piece of that, and learn something that then becomes a part of who we are.  It molds and shapes us into who we are today.  And there is no sense in regretting the experiences we've had, or those that have hurt us, or that which we've been through ... for without those experiences, and those people, and that pain, we wouldn't have become who we are today.  So take those things, learn from them, grow as a person, and appreciate that which you have been able to experience.  Appreciate those people that you have been able to spend time with, and laugh with, and grow from.  And appreciate the opportunity to go forth, and bring new people INTO your life.  For you never know what new possibilities they may hold.  The future looks extremely bright, indeed, with lots of bright possibilities ahead - big possibilities.  Like the song says - we've just begun. 

     "The future may lie beyond our vision, but it is not completely beyond our control."
          ~ Robert F. Kennedy