From A to Z ...

Z ... You're one in a million.
A ... No. Just the right one. But us together ... That may be.

~ A to Z ~ A to Z ~ A to Z ~ A to Z ~ A to Z ~ A to Z ~ A to Z ~ A to Z ~

A ... Relationships don't really take a whole lot. People try to make them a lot more complicated than they have to be.

You need two people that are in some way attracted to one another, and have mutual respect for one another. Trust comes from that respect. And they need to care enough about each other that they want to make each other happy, ie, not just care about themselves. Everything else comes from there.

It's not really that hard, but a lot of people find it very difficult.

We're on a good road. We want to make each other happy. We both try very hard to do so. We're obviously attracted to each other. Everything else just kinda ... happens. And it is. Because I kinda like you. And you kinda like me. And together, we kinda work.

PS ... Sorry. Didn't mean for that to turn into a book.

Z ... I want you to one day look back and that book be the forward to our story :)

A ... You make me smile. On my face and in my heart. I'll have to write the first chapter soon, huh?

fairy tale endings

I know i've written before about how i believe in fairy tale endings, and soul mates, and how some things are just meant to be. i believe this more now that ever, with the current turn of events.

no matter how much everyone tells me otherwise, or how much everyone may tell me i'm stupid, or crazy, or whatever else ... every day i fall just a little bit more in love with you. and you're not even here.

you know when you watch a movie, and you get to the super stupid sappy part, and you're like ... "yeah right ... this shit only happens in movies." well ... i feel like i'm living that scene out right now. only ... i'm only like a quarter of the way through the movie.

i've literally had people who know about everything going on, say to me ... "i thought that kind of stuff only happened in the movies." it's just all so surreal. but strangely enough, most of the time, i'm pretty at peace with it all. don't get me wrong. there's times that it all hits me like a ton of bricks, and i just completely break down, but for the most part ... i sit and wait.

i go about my life, from day to day ... but no matter what ... no matter where i go, who i meet, or what i do ... no one is you. and i could be wrong. maybe one day ... someone will prove me wrong. but somehow ... i just don't see that happening. i just think some things are meant to be. some of US are just meant to be TOGETHER.

but like i said ... i believe in soul mates. i believe in fate. i believe everything happens for a reason. i believe in living life with no regrets. i believe in happy endings. i believe in fairy tales. i believe in myself. i believe in you. and most importantly ... i believe in us.

sometimes ... we just have to wait awhile.

bitter sweet world

sometimes i wonder if there's actually anyone out there that truly cares about the good of mankind. anyone that cares about anyone but themselves. or is the whole world just filled with selfsih people looking to get a free meal. looking to get that instant gratification. worried about what's in it for them. does anyone ever just do anything to make someone ELSE smile anymore? to make someone ELSE happy?

maybe it's the business i'm in. maybe it's the people i've dated. maybe i've been screwed over one too many times. maybe i'm just jaded. but it seems as though the world has become filled with nothing but people that care about no one but themselves. and when you are one of just a few people that care about others, and there is no one left to care about you ... you just get left behind in the dust. and if you look out for yourself, then you're just like everyone else.

those times when you wish your brain would just stop working.

you know the times when your mind is working in double time. or triple ... or quadruple time ...? and you're doing nothing but re-thinking every decision you've ever made ... or worse ... rethinking the decisions that OTHERS have made, that have affected you, that there's nothing you could have done to change, but you constantly wonder if there's something you could have done to affect the outcome ...

it's hard. knowing the ONE person you feel like you were supposed to be with forever, could just turn and walk away. it's hard. knowing that you're supposed to pick up the pieces and do it all on your own. it hard. knowing that they're going on with their life, doing as they please, with whom they please, when they please. it's hard. constantly wondering if you're just going to be going on with the rest of your life, standing on your own.

all you can do is try your best to be strong and ... snuggle with the puppies. yeah ... i said it. i dont have a whole lot of encouraging words on this one.

Love is Evil, Spell is Backwards,I'll show ya ... EVOL

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship lately. Both the one I'm currently in, and what's gone wrong with the previous ones. Obviously I can't speak for anyone other than myself, so let me do that ...

Not to make excuses ... but I have had a lot of bad experiences in my life. Nothing detrimental, of course. I've never been REALLY abused, I wasn't adopted, etc. Sure ... I've been verbally abused, cheated on, left by boyfriends, and things of that nature.

But here's where I start analyzing ... I think I nit pick. I KNOW I do. Entirely too much. I think it comes from my perfectionistic nature. And the more I love someone, and the more I want the relationship to work, the more I nit pick. I think I nit pick because I'm happy and when I'm happy, I think that "This can't really be true. There has to be something wrong" is what I'm thinking.

My flaws and imperfections seem to be putting a tremendous strain on my current relationship. Out of every relationship I've had with anyone, I want this one to work more than anyone. Its a hard thing to explain when you have such strong feelings about someone, but Im sure somebody out there understands what I mean.

I have trouble trying to say things to him. For example, I have issues with HOW I say things. Sometimes, the tone of my voice and the WAY in which I present certain things can be taken as being condescending. I dont mean it (obviously), it just kind of comes out that way. But there's no excuse for it, and we are both tired of me saying sorry. Or worse ... NOT say it, because I don't even realize that that's how it comes out.


Im think too much sometimes and dont think enough other times. For example, I tend to dwell on mistakes Ive made, and my past, rather than look to the future. Because I've been cheated on so much, and I've been left more than once, I tend to view certain situations in the most negative way possible. In that sense, I tend to be overly pessimistic and paranoid. It's not necessarily that I don't trust him, or that I consciously think he would cheat on me, my mind just automatically goes into the thought process of ... "That doesn't seem right ..." Like when a text goes unanswered, or he stays at work long after he should have gotten off, or if I haven't seen him in days, or something of that nature. I realize that these aren't normal thought patterns, but I can't seem to control these negative/obsessive thoughts. Other times I simply DON'T think, and things just seem to pop out of my mouth at random. Its driving me mad that no matter how much I try, I continue to question the possiblities of what's going on, and what he wants, when he's contintually telling me all he wants is me.

My constant battle of INdependence vs DEpendence. I am a VERY independent person ... MOST of the time. I want to do my own thing, and do things my way, and be in control. MOST of the time. But at the SAME time, I am just as DEpendent on my mate. I CRAVE attention, love, and companionship. I need to know I'm loved, and that you need me, and want me, and appreciate me. I don't want to walk through this battle of life without you by my side. There's so many battles that we face alone already, with work, and everything else, that I need to know that my lifeline is there. That I can text you when I'm having a bad day. That when I'm freaking out, you will know how to calm me down. That when the day is over, you will WANT to be there by my side, to talk about the day, and do ... naughty things :) I don't want to go to bed alone. I want you to be there. By my side. Call it selfish. Maybe it is. But I like waking up next to you. Even if it DOES take me hitting the snooze button for 45 minutes to finally get you to wake up.

I just want the relationship we used to have. The one we say we want together. The little white house, the picket fence, and the family. I want us to trust each other. I'm so attracted to him for all the qualities I saw in you before we were even together. For your self-assuredness, and all the love he showed me before I began to drive him insane. I want Bora-Bora back. Before we drove wach other crazy. When we did our own things, and still wanted to come together at the end of the day, because we love each other so much that we need to complete the day with one another.

I want YOU.

for those of you with nothing better to do ...

than talk about me, and dissect every aspect of my life, and every relationship i've ever had ... i'm sure you're rather entertained by all that there's been. but let's get a few things straight. yes. i've been through a lot. yes. there's been a lot of ups and a lot of downs. yes. i've made some poor decisions. i've picked some less than stellar mates. yes. i've had my heart broken. but do you all REALLY have nothing better to do than sit around and talk about me and my love life? do you REALLY have nothing better to do than critic every aspect of my life, and judge that which you *think* were the downfalls of each relationship? well ... let's consider the factors that you DON'T know.

hmmm ... yes. i used to be engaged. to a man i thought i was madly in love with. we were both young, and liked to party. i mistook his love for partying for his alcoholism. i grew out of partying. his alcoholism turned into more hardcore things, like abusing drugs. once those things took over every aspect of his life, the substances took control of HIM. he started stealing (from me). lying when he got caught. it all cycled out of control. i thought our love could fix it. i kicked him out of the house. we tried to make it work without living together. it wasn't fixable. he still lied, stole, and probably cheated. we were broken. and couldn't be put back together. and for someone to even pose that he "realized that he made the right decision to get away from me" is simply preposterous. since the day i told him i never wanted to talk to him again, he has done nothing but realize that i was the best thing that ever happened to him. and i never want to speak to him again.

and then there's the next love of my life - the man that couldn't live without his children. the two children he made with a woman that he was with for nine years, but would never marry. and in the year that we were together, we had already moved in together, and were talking about marriage - something he had never considered with the mother of his two children. yes. he left me out of nowhere to move to another state, to go back to her (where she had picked up and moved away with the children), so that he could finally be with his kids again, and see them everyday, and try to make it work with her. and i will never fault him for trying to be the best father that he can be. but for people that call themselves BOTH of our friends, to tell him that he's finally back with his "family" and "back where he belongs," and for others to say that I was only with him because he was a manager for the company I worked for (hey ... reality check ... SO WAS I!), or that I got a big head because i was dating him, etc, etc, etc ... is absurd.

And now ... these same people want to start telling my current boyfriend about how I'm such a slut because i've dated these people (apparently being engaged to a person that youve been with almost 3 years, and dating someone else for a year means you get around ...???) ... and that everyone was so right to have left me and moved on. ok ... first of all, not that i have to defend myself in the LEAST ... but for one, i left my fiance, and for COMPLETELY justifiable reasons. And yes, my most recent ex left me. could it be for the kids? maybe. for her? who knows. but regardlgess ... my point in all of this is ... why is it that people have NOTHING better to do than sit around and discuss someone else's relationships/life? have you REALLY got nothing better to do than try to ruin someone else's happiness? i mean ... damn ... i'm sorry your life sucks ... but mine doesn't. in fact ... im QUITE happy with my life, AND my boyfriend :)

build a bridge, and get the hell over your jealousy and miserable life. because i'm not the source of your misery.

thoughts running rampant

i'm tired of people that have nothing better to do than talk about me. than to run their mouths about things they know nothing about. that start rumors, just because they THINK they know something. than people that think they have the right to tell me how many things they think i'm doing wrong, or how im a terrible person, or a terrible friend, or how im breaking so many rules.

who are YOU to judge? really? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." no-one is perfect. and i'm the first to admit that i am FAR from it. but i will say one thing ... i try my damndest TO be. i try my damndest to make everyone happy. and YES. that DOES include myself. pardon me, if i want to be happy too. there's plenty of ways that i follow the rules. and there's plenty of ways that i don't. i'll admit that too. i pick and choose which ones. ill pick them based on relevance and relative levels of importance to me and the situation at hand. i'm a rebel. i can admit that too.

but i will not accept blame for wrongs i have not committed, or guilts for sins that are not mine. i will not sit by, idly, while those around me tarnish my name, or try to say that i am the sole reason that the world is coming to an end.

PLEASE world ... grow up. act your age. mellow out. GEEZ!

emotional mumbo jumbo ...

there's different types of emotional pain, that i feel that everyone can identify with ...

there's the kind where, you feel like you've done absolutely nothing wrong, and you just feel sorry for yourself and blame everything on everyone else.

there's the kind where you let the emotional scars of your past, affect your future, because you can never seem to let the wounds fully heal.

and then there's the kind where, you accept the blame for the actions that you've taken, and realize that you have brought some of the repercussions upon yourself. this kind is the hardest to achieve, and we can never get there all the time. yet it seems to be the epitome of emotional growth. if we can achieve this level of understanding and acceptance only a fractional amount, then we are better off for it. better off ourselves, for we have reached a level of peace, acceptance, and understanding, and better off with the world, for we are no longer placing blame on one another - be it for the past, or the present.

i also believe there's different types of doubt, that everyone can identify with.

there's doubt of ourselves. when we don't believe we can do anything right. we have no faith in ourselves, in our abilities, our capabilities, or in what we deserve. we have no value of self-worth, because we feel as though we are less than first-rate. i don't want me, so why would anyone else?

there's doubt in one another. we don't trust anyone - what they say, what they do, what they look like, what their intentions are, etc. everyone is always "up to something." there is no such thing as an "honest person." no such thing as "good intentions."

i believe that there's different types of people.

there's the optimist. this is the person that is always overly enthusiastic about everything. the "glass is half-full" person. the overly energetic, happy-go-lucky, positive outlook on life, type of person. this person has a tendency to take a favorable or hopeful view of the future.

there's the pessimist. this is the person who is always cynical about everything. the "glass is half-empty" person. the overly gloomy, negative outlook on life, type of person. this person has a tendency hold a state of mind in which one perceives life negatively.

there's the realist. this is the person who has the systematic tendency to predict the most likely outcomes, be it positive OR negative. it's also the excuse that a lot of pessimists use when they don't want to admit that they're pessimists. "I'm not a pessimist, I'm a REALIST!"

but let's take it one step further - the uber-pessimist. this is the person that, rather than seeing the glass half-empty, says that they never even had a glass at all. "Glass? What glass?" this person ... no matter what you do or say ... everything is wrong. don't try to rectify the situation, because it won't matter. it's still wrong.

the main personality types ... and then some ...

Type A - twould be me ... DUH! there's usually very independent, direct, and to the point. they're focused on what they're doing, and almost always relatively insensitive to others that might be around them. they are very decisive and persistent in getting what they want and need.

Type B - the socializer. loves to be the center of attention. they love excitement and are often impatient and demanding as a result of being a "high-energy" type.

and then there are the lesser-known ... types C&D.

Type C - this person thrives on details and accuracy. they want facts - information from which they can verify the details and make a decision. they are consistent in everything they do, because everything has an order or procedure. they are deep, thoughtful, and usually very sensitive.

Type D - this type doesn't like change. they are very supportive of others and are often the type that others turn to when they have a problem.

there's a lot of different types of people in this world. and we all need to learn to love and appreciate all of the differences amongst ourselves. no one is the same. nor should we expect them to be. if we were all cookie-cutter with one another, this world would be an awfully boring place. so once we learn to realize these things ... and move on ... and accept things for that which they are ... and the blame for our own actions ... and fault for our own wrongs ... and appreciate one another for who we are ... things will start to be a lot more ... favorable.

life is a little weird ...

I can hardly remember, the days when I felt free
Never searching, cause it all made sense to me
I will always remember, that point when I found out
All my own plans may never come around
Still we go on, never asking why

I can feel this strange life, leading to a great life
Where everything begins, where everything makes sense
Somebody take this fake life, save me from this plain life
So everything begins, so everything makes sense
And nothing ever ends

life's weird. all of it. you never know what's coming. things are great, and then out of nowhere, this bomb hits you, and you think you'll never come out of it alive. and then ... everything's great again. out of nowhere. and it's scary. because you don't know what to do with it all. it makes you question everything. and wonder why things are great. and where all the good came from. and what to do with it all. especially when you're still kind of broken. you're just apprehensive. about everything. you dont know what to do, or what to say. who to trust. you dont ... really ... know anything. all you know is youre happy again. and you like it. and you dont want it to go away.

isn't it ironic ...?

as so many thoughts are incessantly running through my head ... it's like an ever-constant record, being consistently edited ... always overlaying new sounds, adding new tracks ... overdubbing new musical instruments and tones. it's an on-going project. one that will never end. one that always draws your attention elsewhere. one that will never allow me to stop thinking. never allow me to focus on one thing. and then when i get to the last song ... it starts over. goes back to the beginning. never letting me forget the first track.

It's like Alanis said ...

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

It's a traffic jam when you're already late
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...

It's like ... when someone introduces you to your favorite band. And you start listening to their cd. Over, and over, and over again. Because it's your new favorite. And then ... out of nowhere ... it starts skipping. Because you've listened to it so much. But you don't care, because you still love it. You start skipping over that song, to the next one, so you can keep listening. But then, behind you, your friend starts playing a different cd. Another one, that you start to love too. And now you have another favorite. But instead of having two separate favorite cd's, it's like one big conglomerate ... and you can't separate the two. And most of the time you're focused on one, but other times, your focus drifts. You can't help it, because there's still two tracks being played.

Maybe it just takes time. Maybe the other track will always keep playing. I don't know. How do you ever know?

it's the truth ...

things people say, but we never really listen to ...
but maybe we should, because honestly ... it's the truth ..

1) "Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flickered somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is ... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with." ~ Gillian Anderson

2) "Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves." ~ Henri Frederic Amiel

3) "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one, which has been opened for us." ~ Helen Keller

4) "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is ore important than fear." ~Ambrose Redmoon


Therefore ... what does all of this mean? move on from the past. don't look back. don't be afraid. take it one day at a time. as it comes. embrace life. appreciate the good things.

why should i ...

put my life on pause for you?
question what it is im doing, and where im going?
deprive myself from having fun, or having someone be there for me?
... especially when you already have that for yourself.
constantly be in a state of doubt about everything?
i dont actually doubt anything.
i shouldnt doubt my thoughts, my actions, or my intentions ...
i should move on. and have fun. so i will.


and i wont question anything. not anymore.
i will move on with my life.
and see where it takes me.

like they say ...
never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

no matter how you feel about them. <-- that's my own personal addendum.
because ... quite frankly ... we deserve better than that. at least ... i do.

Continuation of "Wow" ...

so ... today I go to your FB page ... I suppose as a form of self-torture. not that I can really see ALL that much to torture myself, because bitch-cunt-whore has me blocked, so i can't see anything that she has posted, be it on your page or not. anywho ... i do this, only to see that you have me now set to a limited-access profile, where i can no longer see your wall, nor write anything on it, etc. therefore ... i see that this is what we have come to. i proceed to send you a message, along the following lines.

'i have already given you what you have asked for. i am completely ignoring you, as you wish. you have already been ignoring me. if you really wish to continue acting like a 5 year old, then so be it. i will delete you and you don't have to deal with me at all. if you ever want to look me up again, you have plenty of ways to find me.'

here's what i don't get ... this is what you've chosen. you've chosen your path, and now we're both walking down new roads. why is it that we cannot simply embrace our new lives and be happy for one another, without acting as though the past never existed? that is the part that i simply cannot comprehend ... is it that SHE has an issue with you continuing to talk to me, or that you can't handle seeing that i'm not just sitting here waiting? or simply that you don't think you're giving yourself a fair chance with her if you continue to have contact with me? no matter what the choice is ... none of them are justifiable in my eyes. no matter how you try to rationalize your behavior in your own mind ... you're not the person i know. or ... the person i thought i knew, rather.

all i know is ... i'm not sitting here waiting for you to realize that you're making a mistake. no matter how things work out with you and her ... in the least ... you ARE making a mistake by acting as though you can erase your past. or that you would even WANT to erase your past. because you learn from what you've been through. everything you have been through makes and shapes you into who you are today. into who you have become. no matter what way you try to look at it. and until you realize that, and accept the fact that your past is never going away ... you're going to be really miserable trying to just "will" it away.

it's just one of those days ...

Its just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sucks
You don't really know why
But want justify
Rippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
It's just one of those days!

Yup. that's how I feel right now. Limp Bizkit said it just right. today's just got too much going on. a bit more than i might be able to handle at once. i'm astounded by some of the people in this world. by people that i've allowed in my four-walls. i've always thought of myself as a strong person. as someone that took what life handed me, made the best of it, and moved along, knowing that no matter what i encountered, i would be ok. i've always tried my best to make the serenity prayer my mantra ... knowing that there is no point in wishing to change things that are beyond our control. all we can do is wish to be able to accept them.

so ... now that i've finally come to terms with these new changes in my life ... and am doing my best to continue the "fun-having" ... and going out ... and moving on ... which ... btw ... i would consider myself rather successful at :) ... it seems as though every time i conquer the next bend in the road, i find a NEW bend. why is that? why can't i just find a straight-away ... for just a little ways ...? why must this road be so long, and hard ... and wind-ey ...?

everyone comes and goes into one another's lives for a reason. and we don't always know what those reasons are. and we don't always know who those people in our lives are going to be, that are meant to be the KEY players. so sometimes ... we just have to take things one day at a time. and experience things one situation at a time. sometimes the way we handle things afterwards mean more, and overshadow everything that happened previously. but all we can do ... is pray for patience, and guidance, and serenity. acceptance for dealing with the hand that we are dealt. because ... like they say ... until we stop staring at the door that was closed ... we'll never see the new one that was opened for us. and sometimes ... that new door shows us a really great new world. you never know ...

Do you know what I want ...?

Well ... there's a lot ... but let me start with this ... Some people have certain rules or expectations for who they want to date/be with/etc. Must be at least this old, this tall, this blah, that blah. But to be honest, are those truly the things that really matter? Well ... not to me. Not the things that really pinpoint the emotional satisfaction and well-being of our nature. Here's some of the things that I want ...

1)I want someone to appreciate me for me. Someone who comes into it from the beginning with ZERO expectations, and therefore is pleasantly surprised by everything that is known as 'me.'
"The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations."
~ Eli Khamarov
"I do my thing and you do yours.  I am not in this world to live up to
your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are
you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped."
~ Frederick Perls

2)I want to be able to say what I'm feeling. Or what I'm thinking. And be stupid, and silly, and dumb. And say stupid things, like "I miss your face," and "That's dumb," and "I hate your guts," and "Sahmsing." Without people ... and 'that person' ... looking at me like I'm crazy. Or saying "you're cute" when you really just want to make fun of me.
"We are all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find
someone else who's weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them,
and fall in mutual weirdness, and call it love."

3)Someone that can understand and accept me for me ... including all of the letters that are associated in describing me, lol. ADD, OCD, Type A, etc. After all ...it is what it is. I am who I am. Take it or leave it, certain things just won't change ...
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I am
out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my
worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
~ Marilyn Monroe

4)I want someone who sees and knows and loves and appreciates my big heart ... and can help me love and nurture it and myself ... without taking advantage of it ... and me. Without it breaking ... again. Someone that can HELP me to help them, and everyone else in the world, lol. That appreciates that that is part of who I am. And doesn't try to change it. Or take advantage of it.
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit
with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S
relativity."
~ Albert Einstein

5)Someone who is enough like me that we have common interests ... and we get along. And we can do things together, and enjoy ourselves. But someone that is different enough from me that they can teach me things. And broaden my horizons. And maybe even expand what I like ... so I can like MORE things :) And someone that I can do all the the aforementioned things for, as well.
"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are
making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out."
~ Roy Croft

6) Someone that can understand that ... upon occasion ... I have anywhere from moderate to severe panic/anxiety attacks. Sometimes they are justifiable ... sometimes they are not. However, 100% of the time ... should I call on you for assistance in finding my way back to reality, I will expect you to navigate me back to some form of sanity.
"I can't ever imagine not being able to pick up the phone and talk to you.
You keep me sane. You remind me that no matter what's changed, there are some
things that remain ... and those things are what I cherish."


I am needy ... regarding certain things.  I will not even try to deny it. I am ... strange ... about certain things. But I like to think that that's part of what makes me me. My idiosyncrasies. My quirkiness. My ...me-ness :) I'm always going to reinvent certain aspect about myself ... that's just part of life. But there's just certain things that will never change. I will always laugh at things that probably aren't funny, and smile and things that no one else thinks matters. I believe in love, and arguing, and miracles. Sometimes I'll start a stupid argument over nothing. Either because we haven't argued in a while ... or just to prove I'm right. Sometimes ... arguing is just plain fun. But only if you argue back. I text people sitting next to me. I'm a text-a-holic. I have been known to randomly bust out in song. I am fully aware that I am not perfect, however I HATE admitting that I am wrong. I say random, stupid things just because they make me laugh. Like "sahmsing" and "panties." I probably share entirely too much of myself with the internet world ... via FB (yes ... I am a FB whore), and blogging (such as this), etc. I post multiple times a day ... not because I actually care if other people know what I'm doing, or because I think other people actually CARE what I'm doing, but more of an outlet to let my thoughts, feelings, etc get OUT of my head, and somewhere else. It's almost like if I type it out ... I don't have to think, worry, stress over it (whatever "it" may be ...) anymore. Sometimes it's because I want to tell someone something, but it's easier to voice it (or not, really, lol) here, by "not" voicing it. But mostly just getting it out.

So ... before I digress much further ... needless to say. I am me. This IS me. And I rather like me. Now ... the rest of the world just has to learn to deal with "me." :)

Wow

Ya know ... I remember when you deleted the photo album that you had on your profile of just pictures of Jes ... But I guess I just never really expected you to go through the pictures that people had tagged you in, to UNtag yourself.

I mean ... Really??? You don't want my face to show up anywhere in your profile? Dear lord ... How immature can you get?!?!? I'm sorry ... But you fell in love with me. We had a life together. It happened. And even though it's over now ... No amount of ignoring it or trying to cover it up is going to erase the past. And I don't understand why you want to.

It's been awhile ...

 ... and I have a lot to catch everyone up on.

let's see ...

1)  i got my next eval at work.  i got a 5 out of 5.  pretty much ... that means i'm god's gift to biscuits and gravy.  yeah ... i know.  we're all surprised.  shock.  amazement.  wonder and awe.

2)  let's see ... what else ... well ... i seem to have worked my way through most of the stages of grief.  we all know i dealt with denial and isolation.  i had my fair share of anger.  i might have even tried some bargaining.  but then i zoomed right through depression and acceptance.  (yes, jon ... i will finally admit it now.  you're right.  go ahead, and say "i told you so.").  i think i had started to finally come to a realization that ... well ... no matter what i know that someone can be in their heart ... no matter what credit i give them for who i think they are and who i want them to be ... all that really matters is the here and now.  and ... in the here and now, all i can see if your present actions, and the way that they affect me.  and ... quite frankly ... i'm a bad ass girl.  and i deserve better than that.  i know what i deserve, and i'm not willing to settle for less.
     Barbara de Angelis once said, "You can't ask for what you want unless you know what it is.  A lot of people don't know what they want, or they want much less than they deserve.  First, you have to figure out what you want.  Second, you have to decide that you deserve it.  Third, you have to believe that you can get it.  And, fourth, you have to have the guts to ask for it."

Right after I had this revelation, one of my very best friends, and a very wise woman, solidified that decision for me.  She told me, ya know, I've always seen it like this.  When we lose something or someone good, you have to look at it like this ... Maybe what we thought we had was "great," but really, it was just "good."  Maybe what happens later is REALLY going to be great.  Maybe we don't even really know what "great" is, yet.  And maybe "great" will be with "them" again ... or maybe it will be with someone new ... but either way ... we deserve GREAT ... and one day ... we'll get "great."  And that's how I am going to choose to look at it.  Because I know what I deserve.  And I DO deserve "great." I deserve to be happy.  And ... now ... I'll remind you of what Marilyn said ...
     "I believe that everything happens for a reason.  People change so that you can learn to let go.  Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right.  You believe lies so that eventually, you will learn to trust no one but yourself.  Sometimes, good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together."

3)  Everything happens for a reason.  Everyone comes in and out of our lives for a reason.  We are but a sum of our parts.  And for everyone that enters and exits our lives, we take a piece of that, and learn something that then becomes a part of who we are.  It molds and shapes us into who we are today.  And there is no sense in regretting the experiences we've had, or those that have hurt us, or that which we've been through ... for without those experiences, and those people, and that pain, we wouldn't have become who we are today.  So take those things, learn from them, grow as a person, and appreciate that which you have been able to experience.  Appreciate those people that you have been able to spend time with, and laugh with, and grow from.  And appreciate the opportunity to go forth, and bring new people INTO your life.  For you never know what new possibilities they may hold.  The future looks extremely bright, indeed, with lots of bright possibilities ahead - big possibilities.  Like the song says - we've just begun. 

     "The future may lie beyond our vision, but it is not completely beyond our control."
          ~ Robert F. Kennedy

Territorial Marking

Dogs are territorial animals. This means that they "stake out a claim" to a particular space, area, or object. They let other people and animals know about their claim by marking it with a variety of methods and at many levels of intensity.  Some pets may go to the extreme of urinating or defecating to mark a particular area as their own. Urine-marking is the most common of territorial marking behaviors.  Many times, it's because your pet has a conflict with other animals in your home. When there's instability in the pack hierarchy, a dog may feel a need to establish his dominance by urine-marking his territory. Or, if one animal is intimidating another animal, the bullied animal may express his anxiety by urine-marking.

I went through this with two of my dogs - Memphis and Captain.  At first, when Memphis was a puppy, Captain loved him - because Memphis was still small, and Captain presumed that he still maintained the dominant role in the house.  But, once Memphis began to outgrow him, and surpass him in size, weight, and, presumably, dominance, Captain began to have STRONG issues against this change in dominance.  There began to arise a dominance STRUGGLE within our household.  First, Captain began marking his territory everywhere.  Then, the 25 pound puggle began trying to attack the 80 pound full-blooded pit-bull, as if he could really do some damage to him - trying to show him who was REALLY boss of the house.  Just as dogs have struggles when there are instabilities in pack hierarchies, and they are intimidated by these changes in the hierarchy,  and these changes necessitate the dogs marking their territory, humans are intimidated by changes in hierarchies, and ALSO feel the need to mark their territory.

Displaying male dominance is a major part of the flirting and dating scene.  Historically, women need a mate who can protect her and their offspring, as well as provide for them until they can fend for themselves.  One main thing women seek is a male with 'Alpha Male' dominance characteristics.  Men playing the 'flirting game' display their 'Alpha Maleness' in subtle ways.  For example, men stake out their territory when they are seeking a woman.  Men mark their territory by stretching out their arms and legs to take up more room, plus set out their personal positions on a table or bar: car keys, drink, and coins.  These behaviors are much more desireable than peeing on the furniture like some animals do, in order to mark their territory!  However, female territorial marking is much more lude.  They are much more 'subtle,' yet vulgar and unrefined.  Women will do things such as, leave an item of theirs behind in your house, intentionally, when you are not officially together, in case another female comes over, just so that if another woman DOES come, she will know that someone else is 'supposed' to be there, leaving a sign for others to 'back off.'  Or, specific to the current facebook fad we are all in now, she will do things like post certain comments or pictures on 'his' FB page, so that any other possible female callers will be forewarned that he is happily 'taken.' Even if he is not.  But what is the worst, most crass, most uncouth, vulgar of all things the female does to mark her territory?  The backlash.  When she sees something that another female does that threatens her and who she sees as 'her man,' she feels threatened by it, and she feels the need to mark her territory and display her dominance over him, and respond with some sort of directly related snappy retort, but she attempts to mask it with some sacchariferous statement.  When she does it in this fashion, only other females will know what she is doing (being calculating, malicious, and just downright evil), yet the unmindful male at hand is completely oblivious to that which is going on around him.

Case in point ... a facebook status I posted ... "What's the minor heart attack of the day?  That would be the pit bull hopping the back fence in order to chase the seductive, manipulative cat next door.  What's the lesson learned for the day?  Those that you love always come running back home."  Keep in mind, my status is on MY profile, which is private, so the female 'responding' to this does not have immediate access to see this, nor did my information somehow get posted to her.  Someone either showed it to her, or she hacked into my page through someone else's account.  She then 'responded' by posting a picture of her and the someone i was referring to (about coming home) with a tagline that said "My heart is home," and tagged him in the picture, so that it also showed up on his page.  Within a few hours of my status.  So ... like i said ... territorial marking.  In nondescript, premeditated, manipulative ways.

Dogs mark their territory.  So do people.  Both cases are equally annoying.  Some examples can go so far as to leading up to the gag reflex.  We need to really watch what it is we do.  And watch what it is those AROUND us do.  And be AWARE of what is going on, and not let people manipulate US, or the situations we're in.  Nobody wants to be standing in a puddle of piss.  Or worse, wake up next to a bed wetter.  Words to the wise ... Think on these things ...

i know i probably shouldn't be surprised ...

but i kind of am, a little bit.  i mean ... you left today.  as in ... packed the remainder of your things into your little teeny-tiny fuel-efficient car, and drove your punk ass to FL.  and didn't say goodbye.  even after i texted you yesterday, and SPECIFICALLY told you that i knew you were leaving today, and it surely would be nice if i could see and/or talk to you to say goodbye.  to which i got absolutely no response.  shock ... i know.  but still ... a small part of me was still holding out hope that ... no matter how much you were closing out your emotions towards me, and trying to forget about me, so that it wouldn't hurt ... you would still want to see me before you actually LEFT TOWN.  For good.  I mean ... FUCK!  i just don't GET how you can completely just ... all of the sudden ... cut me out, like i don't exist at all anymore.  especially when you continue to tell me how much you still love me, and how you'll always care.  i don't fucking GET IT!  because all i know is how you're acting.  and actions speak SO much louder than words.  especially right now.  and right now, your actions are telling me to "eat shit, and die."  that you could care less if I DID die. 

i don't even know.  i'm at a loss.  i'm ready to move on.  to try to forget about you.  to not hurt everyday.  but i still can't get you out of my head.  i don't want to think, every day, about why you're NOT thinking about me.  about WHY you don't care.  or wonder if you do, but don't want to.  or wonder how you can just NOT think.  or care.  it's too many thoughts, running rampant through my head.  when apparently there are none going through yours.  it's not fair.

I might need more of a challenge ...

so ... i got my first review yesterday.  it was my eighth shift.  I was rated a 4 out of 5.  An "exceeds expectations."  i had 104 out of 125.  if I had had 114, i would have had the highest rating possible ... which, from what i hear, NEVER happens for new people, and HARDLY ever happens for even the most seasoned employees. 

so, as the GM of the store is giving me my eval, she starts asking me questions ... "were you the GM of your last store?  how do you know so much about food cost and recipe adherence?  were you the top of your class at MIT training?"  then to be followed by ... "the only reason i gave you 3's (meets expectations) on this stuff, is because i know you do it, but you don't really make a point to come to me and TELL me about when you do it.  just make more of a point to communicate to me about ... blah, blah, blah ... "  well, alrighty then!  tell me how you really feel about me!  lol.

it's gotta make you feel at least a little good ...  but at the same time, makes you wonder.  for one ... if you already think i'm doing this well ... and all you have to go on, is the past two weeks of my life ... which HAPPEN to be like ... the two worst weeks EVER ... then really ... there's only UP to go from here, right?  i mean ... you've already admitted that you've seen me running circles around everybody, and ... you haven't even seen me bring my "A-game" yet.  so ... i'm just sayin ... how long will it take me to move up?  go to the next level?  how long before i become bored with what i'm doing.  so what's my plan?  become GM within 12-18 months.  6 figures.  before i'm 30.  and have enough money to do whatever i want.  travel where i want.  buy what i want.  for who i want.  support myself.  same as my plan has always been - be self-sufficient.  not have to depend on anyone else.  because you can't.  you can't depend on anyone but yourself.

in love ... or in love with the IDEA of love ..?

Great relationships begin with two people who are each self-confident and who come to each other with the openness to see and accept the other as a unique and wonderful people. If there is true love and an alignment of fundamental values, the two people can choose to join their lives and vow never to criticize one another's nature - the essence that makes them uniquely themselves.  And these relationships are the ones where, in actual fact, the notion of love is more important than the reality. The parties desire each other for reasons of comfort, security, stability, sex, intimacy or merely to fill the gaping void that emerges from where a solid self should be. 

But let's not confuse that both 'love' & being  'in love' has comparatively little to do with a successful relationship, which is about respect, loyalty, and compromise. Sure, love helps, but love alone is not enough and, leads to a dysfunctional, albeit passionate relationship. The "Beatles" were wrong.  Love is NOT all you need.  Unfortunately ... I have come to realize that I 'fall in love' with almost EVERY guy I date.  It may even be perceived as coming across as "flaky."  Maybe I just 'love' the way it makes me feel.  Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic.  Maybe I just have the ability to see the best in ANYone.  Maybe I just see the "heart" in everyone, and can see past the rest of it, in order to be able to get the feeling of "love" that everyone so badly wants to feel.  That warm and cozy feeling, so deep inside.  Maybe we just decide that we want to be 'in love' and fall for the next person that shows potential.

As a teenager, my first few relationships were relationships which I dove into – I did not really know the guys, nor did I really question if we were a good match – everything was exciting and so, I allowed my feelings to do the talking, and it steered ... alright.  Ever since *this* one though, the one who I actually *REALLY* fell in love with – respecting who he was, admiring him, and wanting to be with him forever, I noted that at the end, the point where I became a zombie, crying, wailing and good old fashioned boohooing ... somewhere, somehow I had forgotten to love myself and somewhere, somehow, loving another person had screwed me over ... deeply.  It had brought me to this point, where I seriously questioned my ability to ever be able to love anyone again.

Now over the course of the  past few weeks, I’ve come to realize that these guys – guys who I may hang out with in the next few ... weeks/months/years ... are guys who I will probably label as too much work.  I dread the possibility of casting them aside in the “no thanks” pile.  I’m starting to feel the meaning of the phrase “finding love takes work,” and this process of dating - of interviewing, of dinners - of small talk is starting to seem ... incredulously tedious.  I dread comparing everyone to you.  Holding everyone up to your standard.  The standard of being "In love."  Not being "in love with love."  Sure ... the idea seems great.  It brings out the best in everyone.  It sure does make me happy, to have someone to be with.  Maybe I've been a serial monogamist ... my whole life.  But I don't want to settle.  I don't want to be complacent.  I don't want to just ... be content.  I want to be HAPPY.  Like I was with YOU.


Compared to my teenage self ... my self with you ... my feelings – wary of the whole heart wrenching game that is love - are now buried somewhere in the back, and my brain (which was virtually nonexistent as a young, immature lover) now sees the need to do all the talking.  I now see the necessity of "examining" men – scrutinize them, if you will - to see if they will provide a good future in a painstakingly rational manner.  Job? Check. Well mannered? Check. Good looking? Check. Crazy ex?  GOD, NO!  Children?  Debatable.  Love? Important ... but we can work on that.  It is this end result – my inability to find someone to stir up my feelings and to capture my breath - that is troublesome.  Is my heart really broken? Have I learned to love myself so much that I can’t find someone worthy of potential love and with that potential heart break?

They say that you can’t find love; love finds you and when you least expect it, boom! It happens.  With one look, somehow the perfect guy with the perfect glance and timing will look your way and somewhere, somehow your breath will be captured.  Well, that happened once, and look where it got me.  Sitting back and waiting is no problem for me, given that I currently have no desire to fill *his* shoes.  But here's where the ‘what ifs’ then seep in.  What if I will never get past *him*? What if I never meet a new *the one*?  Someone that lives up to the standards that *you've* left a legacy behind for ...?  What if I meet him, but somehow I cant find it within myself to devote my whole heart into it?  Because I can't seem to find all of the pieces (of my heart), to finish putting it all back together ...?  And finally, what if I’ll be alone forever (however long that is)? Will I just end up being the crazy dog lady forever ...?

Now with the art of growing, realizing, and learning from past mistakes ... being single and learning to love yourself isn’t so bad.  Hell, I always remember anniversaries ... maybe I'll just continue to get gifts ... and just give them to myself.  I know I’ll like whatever I get me :)  However, by human nature, we gravitate towards companionship.  Humans (by nature) are not solitary animals.  Although at times, we like to think we are.  It just seems that true love, by ITS nature, is hard to find, and hard to keep, thus making the process, well ... hard.  So ... at the end of this giant epilogue...  i pose this two-fold question.  First, was I truly in love, or simply in love with the IDEA of love?  Secondly, have I fallen out of love with the idea of being in love, or have I just given up on finding true love, yet again?

I've fallen in love too many times to count.  But I've fallen pretty hard only a few times.  These few times, I've ultimately gotten my heart ripped out and stomped on.  I guess I find it easy to love people. So I fall for them, and when I fall it's almost always hard.  The question is, how hard.  In the end I always get burned.  This last time was the worst.  I suppose that the deeper in love you fall, the longer and harder the fall is in the end.  The harder you love, the worse the heartbreak hurts.  Love is a roller coaster.  The highs are so fucking high.  But the lows are the lowest depths, that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

it's all in vain

i try so hard ...but it's all in vain ...


what's the point in you randomly texting me ... out of the blue ... at 1 am ... to tell me that you'll ALWAYS care?  that you'll never stop?  that you will ALWAYS want me in your life?  but that you don't see how that's possible right now, given the "current situation."  oh ... you mean ... given that you're in love with me, but that you're trying to make it work with her?  i can see how constant communication with the woman you love would make that harder ...

but what's the point in ignoring someone that you love?  pretending like ridding yourself of everything that could remind you of them, and completely acting as though they don't exist, could REALLY make you stop loving them?

and let me just ask you this ... you say that you all have talked ... that she's somehow "matured" in the past year or so ... well ... have you ever taken into consideration the fact that she could have lied to you in the past month, just the same as she lied to you over the past year.  not to mention the past nine or ten?  have you ever thought about that?  do you realize how many people she and i know in common?  how many people have come up to me and said, "Really? But she went gay.  When they broke up, she tried to date everybody on the entire team.  And what about Alaska guy?  He came up here for a week."  out of nowhere.  i didn't even ask for that information.  what good does it do me?  i've already lost everything i could ever want.  but you should know things like that.  and you should be able to see past the facade of someone just showing you what they want you to see, just so they can get what they want.  after all ... that's all she's been doing for the past 10 years.

i'm so tired of people telling me what they think i need to hear, but not being of any help to me.  you tell me how much you care, but it doesn't do me any good.  your family all loves me so much more than they do her, and they'll seek me out to tell me they miss me, or they're thinking of me, but i can't ACTUALLY talk to them, because they're YOUR family.  they're they only ones that know you well enough to understand WHY you do what you do, but they can't offer me any advice.  because they're on your side.  even if they disagree with you.  they won't actually talk to me about it, or offer me any advice, other than "it is what it is."  But them and your best friend are the only ones that actually GET you.

everyone else just wants to tell me what an asshole you are for treating me the way you did.  or tell me that you simply MUST have been cheating on me before this, to have just left me the way you did.  or that i'm just working my way through the 5 stages of depression.  i don't want to hear any of those things.  i don't want to hear about how i'm in denial.  or how i bargaining my way through this.  i already KNOW that i'm angry.  i don't need to hear any of this.  i don't want to hear about how i deserve so much better. about how intelligent i am, or how beautiful i am, or how loving and giving i am, and that i deserve someone that will treat me "right."  i know this too.  and you did.  treat me right, that is.  until now.  i don't want to hear about how i need to move on, and get over you, because i shouldn't waste my time on someone that could forget about me so easily.  on someone that could give up on me so easily.  bc that's so much easier said than done.  even if i know it is what i *should* do.

there's no easy answers to my problem.  no simple solutions.  i just wish people would stop pretending like they could and would handle it with such ease.  like they know exactly what they would do.  or how they would feel.  because they don't.  and it't not them.  i'm the one living it.  and i still don't know.

had a bad day again ...

do you know why it hurts so much?

 

because it still makes no sense to me. no matter who you talk to, and no matter what you say ... you still makes it seem like you dont really want to do it.  like its something you feel like you HAVE to do, rather than what you actually WANT to do.  thats why its so hard for me.  if you would just tell me that you woke up one day, and decided that you didnt love me anymore, and that you realized you were in love with jessica ... sure ... i would be dumbfounded, but it would make more sense to me.

 

i dunno ...

 

but instead ... you makes it seem like, you're still in love with me, but instead ... you're going to do something that you'll never be happy with, bc you feels like the kids need both parents.  i dont get that.  bc i feel like, even though i understand they need both parents, that its the wrong decision, bc of the repercussions that it will have on the kids.  therefore i dont get it. and its really fucking hard. not to mention, if you supposedly still love me, and you feel so bad, why are you completely fucking ignoring me?!?!?

 

its like ... you just woke up one day, and couldnt care less if i fell off the face of the earth.  and ... considering we just moved in together, and were talking about getting married, and dropping everything to move to FL ... it hurts.  it really fucking hurts.  its like i dont even know who you are anymore.  instead ... you are only a shell of the man i used to know.  saying you're sorry, and you feel bad for hurting me.  but ignoring me, and making the same decision.  all the same.

 

i have my ways, you know ...

so ... i have my ways ... of being a little secret agent.  and my secret agent skills have allowed me access.  access into hacking into top secret, "hey ... i blocked you from my FB ... how the hell do you know what my status is ...???"  yeah ... well ... like i said.  i got skills.  MAD, MMMAAAADDDDD skills.

But here's where i get confused.  well ... not so much confused.  i feel like i *think* i know what it means, but i dont want to think i know what it means, if im wrong, because if im wrong, its just going to get my hopes up.   her status right now is something along the lines of ... "headed back to tampa. same reasons to stay. same reasons to leave."  now ...  i dont want to read too much into it, but it sounds to me like the same thing as when she left the first time. she was still in love with you, so she didn't want to leave. but you were in love with me, so she did want to leave, at the same time. maybe thats just want i want it to mean.  maybe i'm reading too much into it.  i don't know. 

then her next status.  "leaving full of hope."  now ... does this mean that she's confident in you all patching things up, or something more towards my benefit?  like ... you all talked about what's going on in his head, and things aren't as set in stone as she wishes they were, and she's simply hoping that they'll work out as she wants them to?

maybe i shouldn't be checking up on her stati ... but when i can't get ANYTHING from you, it's kind of defeating, because i don't have a clue as to what's going on.  I don't have ANY idea where you stand, or what you're thinking ... if you're thinking about me ... if I'm on your mind ... if I still have a chance.  If you miss me ... if i'll ever hear from you again ... if you even want me in your life anymore.

it's hard.  REALLY hard.  it's hard to sit and wait.  it's hard to accept you turning into a brick wall.  it's hard knowing that you've been sharing a bed with her for a week.  it's hard knowing that you're moving to another state in a few weeks.  it's hard to keep writing you knowing i'll probably not get a response.  but do you know what the HARDEST part is?  knowing that no matter how hard all of this is ... i can't stop loving you.  Not for a second.  not for a minute, or an hour, or a day.  Not long enough to hate you. even when i DO hate you ... i love you more than i hate you, so it doesn't really matter.